The Life and Times of KitVonD

New Post on Being Von D

2012-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

A few of you are already followers of my other blog, Being Von D, which I initially started so I could share information about Hubs' and my life with IRL friends and family. However, almost all of my friends and family live in the same city as we do, so there's not much they're missing out on. In light of that, and the fact that I've been blogging here for so long, I've been thinking about what to do with the darn thing! Well I think I've finally come up with a solution. This blog will stay the same, and Being Von D will take on a more "Happily-childless couple" focus. It's not a big change since I've been writing about my happy life with Hubs there since day 1, but I'd like to go more into detail about the unique lifestyle we share. It's definitely not going to just be about all the fun things we get to do since we don't have kids, but it will focus on topics that are somewhat more relatable to a different kind of household - the adults-only, or adult-centric (anything but "childless" or "childfree") family.

I hope you decide to read along. I have a new post over there today about Warming the Home, go check 'er out!

Shop Your Closet

2012-02-16T15:11:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you occasionally (or frequently) get tired and frustrated by your wardrobe, but are too poor/frugal/uninspired to purchase new pieces to spice it up. Shoot, even when I do buy new pieces to add to my existing repertoire I don't know what to do with them half the time! I end up with really cute shoes and jackets that I don't think "go" with my average-looking skirts and pants, so they sit on a hanger in my closet where nobody can appreciate my good style. Meanwhile, I continue to wear the clothes I'm comfortable with, but that don't always do justice to my taste.

Luckily, I have a friend with a similar problem, so we agreed to help one other out. We each spent an afternoon at the other's home, rifling through each other's clothes and putting outfits together. It's amazing what a fresh eye can do for a seemingly stale wardrobe, and now we both have several "new" ensembles to liven up our trousseaux. As it turns out, we already had everything we needed to dress as cute as we want!

If you feel like your wardrobe is a little lackluster, try asking a friend to make outfits out of your existing clothing options, and I bet you'll find that there are at least a few cute combinations you never even thought of. And you won't have to spend a dime!

I needed help with day-to-day outfits and stuff to wear when I'm out with the girls. Annette needed help with work ensembles. Here are a few of our favorites (never mind our makeup-free faces and lack of modeling skills):

I bought this green jacket for work over 3 years ago and haven't worn it for at least 2.

This cropped tweed jacket rarely sees the light of day, but it's making a comeback!

My fave: Khaki trench-style jacket that was part of a skirt suit. I never thought about wearing it separately! Paired with a denim-look skirt and magenta slingbacks that I also hardly ever wear. (This jacket also looks amazing with skinny jeans and peep-toe wedges!)

New office friendly use for a cute and flowy giraffe-print top!

This never-worn-by-Annette woven hand-me-down belt now finishes off 3 or 4 outfits, including 2 work ensembles (one of which includes the pencil skirt above).

We paired this super cute vintage skirt with a sheer blouse and perked it up with accessories to boot!

Now go find some new outfits in your closet!

Valentine

2012-02-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

I can't remember a time when Valentine's Day was a particularly romantic holiday for me. Hubs and I usually stay home and avoid the restaurant swarms, and now that our income has been cut back so much we can't afford flowers marked up 100%. BH (Before Hubs) I rarely had a date on V-Day unless I had a current boyfriend, and before that I was always working in my parents' shop.

Oh how life comes full circle sometimes, eh? Yesterday felt kinda like high school/junior college all over again, but in a really good way! In an effort to kick off my new business venture I plastered flyers all over town and emailed and Facebooked everyone I know to let them know about the Valentine's Day balloon bouquets I was selling. To be honest, word of mouth worked a lot better than the flyers (I only got one sale from them), but in the end it was a BIG success!! I even got an order for a ton of balloons for a local restaurant. The owner remembered me from the days my parents had their party store and she was really happy with the balloons I did for her. It almost feels like I'm in business or something!

After a full busy day, Hubs and I celebrated VD by getting takeout from Macaroni Grill and watching "Arthur." Then I promptly passed out at 10:30 and slept for 11 hours.

I can't wait to get started working on the next leg of this venture! I may have a storefront in the not-too-distant future... :)

Forming positive habits

2012-02-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

Last night my women's group had a great meeting. We talked about habits and positive routines, a very timely topic for me! I haven't been getting into the best habits these past several months. It's just too easy to lounge around the house rather than do something productive, as bad for my mental state as that is. But lo! After hearing what my friend A had to say as presenter, and talking to the ladies last night, I found that there's hope even for the laziest among us! (And by that I mean yours truly.)

Have you heard of flylady.net? A introduced me to it a while back and the website is full of great tips for easily starting and maintaining a housekeeping routine. The goal is never to have to do Spring cleaning again, because you spend a little bit of time each day maintaining various areas of your home. But it starts you off easy: Step 1 is simply to shine your sink. The site suggests adding one thing a day for 31 days, but I'm going even slower, knowing that I need more time to make such a big change for myself. I'm shining my sink and doing all the dishes every day for 2 weeks before moving on to the next step. The cool thing I've noticed though, is that by keeping my kitchen sink clean I'm a lot more motivated to get other stuff done too. (But even on those days I'm not feeling so motivated, at least I know the only thing I'm requiring myself to do is shine that damn sink!) I find myself finishing all the laundry instead of giving up after folding one or two loads, and even picking up on projects I'd left unfinished weeks and weeks ago (today, for example, I finally waxed and contact-papered the drawers in my linen closet).

In addition to starting a housekeeping routine, I'm also ~~attempting~~ committed to start making weekly meal plans. I found a great article on organizedhome.com that outlines how to do such a mysterious and complicated-sounding thing. Seriously, I had no idea where to even start since I'm not much of a cook and I hate grocery shopping, but after reading it I feel like I might actually be able to start planning menus for me and the hubs. Finally, we can start eating more healthily and stop wasting so much food!

The third thing I'm trying to change for myself is to use more positive self-talk. I've noticed that my once charming and humorous habit of self-deprication has turned particularly nasty and is really starting to get me down. I beat myself up over the slightest things I've done or said or didn't do or say. This does not make for a sparkling, confident person, and dammit, I want to be the sparkling, confident person I once was! That said, I'm giving myself the requisite 21 days to allow my new routines to become habit, and no berating myself for missing a day because my cramps left me feeling too miserable to do the dishes (aherm, yesterday...).

I'm hoping all this will help me be better prepared to become the small business owner I dream of and am working on becoming. And I'm thinking it'll also help me be a more content and happy me!

Bad Kitty

2012-01-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hello friends! I know I've been MIA, and after reading ^J^'s post today and being completely incapable of leaving a comment due to Blogger's utter stupidity, I figured I might as well just post and tell everyone that I haven't fallen off the planet.

See? There I am, still on Earth (most of the time).

Now, what's going on with me, you ask? (Come on, humor me!) Actually a lot, which is why I haven't been blogging. I'm a busy bee, trying to make my dreams come true... Thanks to my upbringing by paranoid parents, I'm afraid to say too much in this very public forum, but I will say it has to do with my professional life, and it has to do with parties and other very fun things! I'm hoping this venture will get me out of the financial industry once and for all, and get me on my way to self-employment soon! Wish me luck!

Now for a dramatic recount of Hubs's and my trip to Denver...

Overall it was fun, punctuated by some really not fun moments. First, our descent and landing on the flight in was extremely turbulent, which didn't bother me at all, but poor Hubs's motion sickness got the best of him for the first time ever on a plane. Thank goodness for barf bags. Both of us were still suffering from the awful cough and cold that never ends, too, so neither of us got much sleep that night. But we powered through the next day and had a good time. The tour of the mint was fun, and extremely strict! No joke, three armed officers followed us the whole time - we just wanted to get a good look at all the cool displays they had in there, and the tour guides really rushed us through. When they say it's a 30 minute tour, they mean it's a 30. Minute. Tour. I guess they were afraid we were going to steal a handful of pennies or something.

After that we wandered around the city checking out the sights, then went back to the hotel to rest up before the show we were going to that night. Now, I have to back up a little here. Normally I'm very paranoid about how Atticus is doing at home while Hubs and I are out of town, but this time I decided not to harrass my brother, who was house sitting, right away. But I hadn't heard anything from him by this point, and that was a little unusual. So I checked my phone and... he had just texted saying he forgot to go to my house the day before, and just got there at about 4:00 p.m.! Which meant the cat hadn't eaten in well over 24 hours. My poor starving baby! He was fine of course, but I still freaked out a little. Also, I was plum out of Xanax. So I asked Hubs to go down to the bar and get me a martini to calm my nerves. It helped a lot! And then we were on our way to the show.

Now for a plug: We went to this burlesque show in downtown Denver, and it was really super fun! There were boobies and butt cheeks, but no nipples or anything else south of the border, and the dancers were all shapes and sizes. It was very kitschy and cute, and I had so much fun that I drank like 2 or so more martinis while we were there. Now, 3 (or maybe 3.5) martinis isn't a ridiculous amount for me, but I failed to take one key thing into consideration: I live at sea level and Denver isn't called the Mile High City for nothing. The altitude really took its toll on me that night. Not only was I seriously hungover even after guzzling water for a couple hours before bed, but between the altitude and super dry weather, I also felt like I couldn't breathe. And that led me to the first panic attack I've ever had. At 4 in the morning, on the floor of the hotel bathroom. Did I mention I was plum out of Xanax?

So needless to say (but I will anyway), I was really happy to get home on New Year's Eve, to my sea-level town that actually has humidity, and to my bed, which I was fast asleep in by 10:00 that night. I still like Denver, but I swear, every time I travel I realize there's no place I'd rather live in than Southern California!

Well I hope to be able to give you more information about my upcoming venture soon. :) Until then...

Chill mode

2011-12-27T12:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas was definitely as hectic and dramalicious as ever, but overall it was good. I'd even go so far as to say it was really good. I scored a super sweet new camera from the Hubs, our first really decent one, and have been playing paparazzi for the past three days. He and I also got to be the star auntie and uncle for bringing the biggest gift for two of our nieces. I love that about kids - it doesn't matter so much what's inside the huge package as long as it's huge and it's theirs. (It was one of those cardboard castles that they can color.) But the best part about Christmas was when my SIL D and I were chatting as the day drew to an end, and she sort of asked and sort of told me that she and BIL had chosen Hubs and me to be godparents for their younger daughter. I guess they kind of forgot to ask us three years ago when she was born, but who the hell cares? I'm a godmother :) How freakin' cool is that??

In other, much less interesting news, I'm sick again. More coughing and stuffiness, but now I also have a pretty awesome case of laringitis that makes me sound like a sexy three-pack-a-day stripper. I'm sure it will come in handy tomorrow when I go in for my second interview! Hopefully they'll be able to understand me. And hopefully I don't hack anything up on anyone...

Since yesterday was spent back at the in-laws' opening more presents together, today is the first day Hubs and I can just veg out at home and really unwind. I'm thinking a nap will be in order later on, possibly preceded by eating a lunch that someone else makes for me. Happy end of Christmas!

The most ___ time of the year

2011-12-22T13:19:00.000-08:00

It is so sad how "down" the holiday season seems to be for most Infertiles. In years past, I definitely felt the dark cloud of IF overshadow my holidays. That isn't the case so much this year, but still, thanks to family members who are unwilling to be understanding about the struggles of splitting holidays between dozens of people, I have the Christmas blues.

I was actually doing okay even though I spent almost half of December laid up with back pain and sickness. I was excited about the gifts I got for Hubs and my nieces. I was able to look past the unavoidable hecticness of Christmas Eve and Day, and looked forward to our romantic getaway a few days after. But then my older brother vented his frustrations with coordinating holiday plans to me the other day, which, of course I am more than sympathetic with and I was honestly happy to be a listening ear for him. It just reminded me what a pain in the ass it inevitably is, and how I'm really just trying to please everyone and be everywhere to avoid problems. Not because I actually enjoy spending three hours in one place, then rushing off to spend 3 hours somewhere else, followed by 3 hours at a third place... And for the life of me I can't understand why insisting on splitting one day between 3 or 4 events seems to make everyone happier than spreading it all out over a couple of days and being able to spend more time together!

Yesterday I got to hang out all afternoon with my SIL D, and discovered her holiday situation is pretty darn similar to mine. Only she has two little kids to cart around from place to place. I used to believe that once Hubs and I were parents our families would be more understanding about our inability to be in 3 places at once... Unfortunately I see now how it is with my brother's family and my SIL & BIL's family, and neither of them gets any breaks for having children. Looks like it's the curse of having your whole family in one city. Too bad I love my city so much or I'd seriously consider moving away!

And okay, yeah, IF still casts a bit of a shadow over me this time of year. I'm no longer jealous of my siblings for having kids while I don't (at least not now while no one is currently pg), but as each cycle comes and goes quite uneventfully, I go through the familiar cycle of hope and disappointment. It's not as bitter as it used to be, just enough to add a dash of extra "flavor" to my holidays.

Today the east winds are kicking up at a gusty 25-40 mph. It's dry and disgusting and makes me feel as emotionally whipped up as the leaves and dust swirling around outside. It's supposed to die down by the weekend, though, and we're expecting a relatively warm and sunny Christmas. I'm pesronally looking forward to the day after Christmas. Hubs has the whole week off of work, and even though I'm not working, when he has a day off it's like I do too. We'll sleep in for a few days, get some stuff done around the house, and then we're heading to Denver for our little getaway! My mood should be considerably lifted by then. ;)

December

2011-12-13T13:16:00.000-08:00

Do you know what's the worst? The absolute worst is getting sick for several days, then on the first day of feeling like a human being again, throwing out your back so bad that you spend the next week in a horizontal position loopy on painkillers and muscle relaxers, and generally feeling incredibly sorry for yourself. Today, I am happy to announce, is the first day after the week of horizontality. I'm still in pain, but I can move a little more freely and I can sit upright! I'm considering venturing out to the drug store today, and I swear by all that is holy if I get into a car accident or some other horrible thing beyond my control befalls me, I'll... well... I don't know what I'll do but I will not be a happy camper.

Needless to say, December 2011 hasn't been very kind to me thus far. But it's going to get better! I managed to get most of my Christmas shopping done before I got sick and injured, so I just have a few more things to pick up before the big day (which I have all planned out since I had plenty of time to think about gift ideas while I was staring at the ceiling). And Hubs has the whole week of Christmas off, so we're taking off to Denver for a few days. We're staying at the same hotel we stayed in when we went on our road trip a couple years ago, which was a pretty saucy time that we're hoping to relive. I even got a little somethin' from Vic's Secret to keep things spicy! Yep. Lots to look forward to. ;)

On the job front... nothing to report. I finally admitted to Hubs (and myself) that I am terrified of going back to work. I'm even terrified of interviewing! There are so many thoughts circling my brain about it. I'm afraid that I'll end up with another job that I can't stand; that I'm wasting my life away doing work I hate and having no idea what kind of job would make me feel more fulfilled and productive. And that, even if I do figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I'll never find a job in a field I enjoy in this crappy economy. So there you have it. I'm a coward. And I'm not real sure how to overcome it. I may go to the career center in town and take an interview workshop or something to help get my confidence back up. I guess that would be a reasonable first step, right?

So things are mostly good and a little confusing. I guess that's not so bad all things considered. I'm feeling a lot more relaxed and happy (minus the past week or so, of course) than I have in years, and for the most part I'm focusing on that.

Now to venture out into the world for the first time in DAYS. Hallelujah!

Here we go

2011-11-25T12:51:00.001-08:00

It is officially the Holiday Season, and it just wouldn't be the holiday season if there wasn't a little drama to deal with. Every year I try so hard to avoid pissing anyone off, and every year I seem to overlook one tiny little key detail. This year's detail: Make sure I invite myself to Thanksgiving dinner.

As usual, dinner was being held at my sister's house and my MIL's house. Hubs and I planned to dine at my sister's and have dessert at MIL's. This has been our tradition since we got married (or maybe before) because my sister and her family are Jewish and always take off to the mountains the week of Christmas, thus TG is the only time we see them for the holidays. So my family gets priority on TG and his family gets priority for Christmas.

This week was extremely busy. Hubs had to work every day except Wednesday and Thursday; meanwhile I spent all of last weekend helping one of my besties and her family set up for a bridal shower at their house, Monday hanging out with another of my besties who'd just returned from a 3 week trip to Europe, and Tuesday making caramel apples with a friend all day and pies with the in-laws all night. Then Wednesday Hubs was really excited about going to the L.A. auto show so there went another day (I'm kidding, it was actually a really good time). My house has certainly borne the brunt of my absence and desperately needs cleaning!

It wasn't until Wednesday evening as we drove home from L.A. that I realized I'd never heard from my sister about what time TG dinner would be. Assuming she'd be busy prepping for the big day, I texted my older brother to see if he'd heard from her. The answer was yes. He told me he'd talked to her the day before and that it would start at 3:00 but that he and his family would be arriving around 4:00. Since I knew that my brother et al were indeed planning to eat dinner at our sister's and not with his wife's family, I (stupidly, it turns out) took this to mean that dinner would start at 4:00, with people starting to arrive at 3:00, and Hubs and I accordingly planned to arrive around 3:30.

Of course on TG day we were running late. And I was having a bad day as it was, a little irritated that my sister never bothered to call or email or text me the time for dinner. So when my brother's wife texted me at 3:35 asking if we were coming, and saying that everyone already ate dinner at 3:00, I lost it. I tried really hard not to cry because my eye makeup looked fabulous, and because I didn't want to overreact. But I couldn't help it. Yes, there was still plenty of food left, but the whole point of TG is to eat with your family, not to pick over the remnants after everyone else was done with dinner. And let's face it, I felt flat-out overlooked. Somehow the rest of my family made it there on time to eat (even my brother who said he was arriving at 4), and it wasn't until they were done eating that they looked around the table and thought, "Huh. I wonder if Kit's coming."

After going back and forth about it several times, Hubs and I decided not to go to my sister's, but to eat dinner with his family at 4:30 instead. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I knew if we went to my sister's I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings. (The reasons why I can't/don't share my feelings with my sister would require their own lengthy post.) So I called my mom to let her know we wanted to see her and my dad and that I'd call again after dinner to see where they were. She tried to talk me into coming to my sister's, but to no avail.

Dinner with my in-laws was great. It was the kind of scene I remembered from childhood holidays at my grandparents' house - siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins all wandering around, drinking and snacking and mingling. Mom and Dad putting the finishing touches on dinner (albeit quite a bit later than 4:30). Everyone in a great mood and having a great time. After participating for a while in all the bustle, Hubs and I even had a quiet moment on a couch in the corner, and just watched everyone mill around the house as we nostalgically reminisced about our youths. It was almost perfect.

By the time dinner was over and the party was winding down it was already after 8:00, so I called my mom, as promised, and found out she and my dad were still at my sister's house. Hubs and I headed over with me still a little tense over the situation. Not that I should have been worried because both my mom and my sister were fairly inebriated by that point and probably wouldn't have noticed even if I'd said or done something rude. We made our obligatory appearance and I held back when my sister's husband asked how we got the time wrong. What I wanted to say was, "Because your wife doesn't find it useful or necessary to actually invite guests to her holiday dinners." What I actually said was a very brieft, tepid version of the truth. Not once did my sister acknowledge that it could have been even partially her mistake for not communicating. She just said how great it was that both our family and my in-laws live in town so Hubs and I didn't have to miss out on TG dinner.

So now we move forth head-on into the holiday madness. Tonight is TG dinner #3 with the rest of Hubs's family, next will be a tree-decorating party, followed by a Christmas party, Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas morning brunch, and two Christmas day dinners. There's still plenty of time for more drama!

Expecting

2011-11-21T16:58:00.001-08:00

It's been a little while since the Hubs and I have discussed our family building plans. When we quit TTC in January I really didn't even have time to think about it with all the BS going on at work, so it was easy to live life as if kids would never be in the picture. Now that I've been on FUNemployment for about 2.5 months I realize... I actually have a helluva lot of time to think about it. (Which hasn't been great the past 2 months with AF being LATE both times... not that I'm bitter or anything.) At first it really sucked. I was bummed about getting my period (LATE), even though we technically weren't trying. And even though he agreed that we technically weren't trying, it's been fairly obvious that I'm not the only one in my marriage who harbors a secret desire to be a parent.

Queue my parents.

Is that weird? LOL

I've had a couple of opportunities to have some one-on-one time with my dad since I've been FUNemployed, as he's retired and my mom is still working. Last week we went to lunch and he brought up the subject of IF and family building. (Sidenote: Oddly enough it's never, ever my mom that asks how I'm doing in that department, only my dad.) Specifically he asked what our plans were. I told him we haven't been talking much about it lately and plans have basically stalled. After all being unemployed is not the ideal time to have a baby or bring a child into our lives. He didn't say much about it after that, but later that night he texted me. He told me that his offer still stands regarding paying for IF treatments, and that he knows a good mom when he raises one.

Queue the waterworks.

For the record, and because it's relevant, he and my mom have also offered to pay for adoption in the past. So, not surprisingly, all this information got Hubs and me talking about children once again. In fact, it didn't take us long to come to the conclusion that we want to pursue adoption. We are really close to being debt-free, and once that happens (probably in about a year) we are going to start the adoption process.

Queue the applause!

So I guess you could say I'm an expectant mother at this point. Although I don't expect to have a child for another couple of years! I've already had a friend offer (nay, demand) to throw me a shower when the time comes. And I've already started talking to my oldest friend in the world, who happens to be adopted, about it. I love that I'm surrounded by such supportive friends and family!

Of course, I have many, many thoughts and emotions going on in my head since making this decision. I worry that Hubs might not be as happy with an adopted child as he might have been with a biological one, especially if we aren't able to adopt an infant. I worry that my parents will want to be more involved in the child's upbringing than we'd want them to be, since they're fronting the money that will make the child ours. I worry about adopting a little boy, and Hubs's family not being accepting of an adopted child as the "heir" to the family name (so far the name dies with Hubs's generation). I worry about how to handle the potential emotional issues of an adopted child (e.g. fears of abandonment, etc.). Some of my worries are probably irrational. I can't seriously see my in-laws rejecting or treating an adopted child as "less-than." And most of my fears can probably be resolved through candid conversations. I just have to take this one step at a time. And right now, we are on step ZERO. I have plenty of time to figure this all out! For now, I am just going to be excited in knowing that parenthood is practically a guarantee for my future.

Finally.

A day

2011-11-14T17:03:00.001-08:00

I'm having a rough day and I can't quite put my finger on why.

The weekend was very nice. Hubs and I went on our first ever camping trip alone, up north a couple of hours to a campground we'd never been to before. It was beautiful with tall spindly pine trees and the biggest eucalyptus trees you've ever seen, right next to an ocean lagoon and estuary. The trip was kind of an adventure between not having any power in the camper we borrowed from my parents, my coming down with a cold on the drive up, and AF showing up on Saturday... four days late... just as I was beginning to convince myself that I could be pregnant...

On second thought, that last thing might be part of why I'm having a rough day today.

I am tired. AF is kicking my butt and my cold is still lingering, although it's getting a little better every day. I guess I really did get my hopes up about the possibility of being pg, as stupid of me as that obviously was. Hubs has been a bit more vocal than usual about his desire for kids lately. He even says he hopes I can stay on unemployment for the maximum amount of time (assuming Congress decides to pass the extension benefits again at the end of the year, fingers crossed) just so we can keep having lots of sex and I can hopefully get pregnant. Huh. Well it's a nice hope anyway.

Speaking of unemployment, yep I'm still on it with no real job prospects on the horizon. Which is probably another reason for my bad mood today. I keep telling myself I can't make the jobs appear and I can't make employers call me. All I can do is keep my resume looking as good as possible and keep sending it out anywhere I can. Not that FUNemployment has ceased being fun. Obviously our camping trip was a good time, and it's very nice having plenty of time to keep house, work on projects, and generally goof off (ah, I'm talking about you, PINTEREST).

Now, you haven't heard from me in a month and it sounds like I'm just as depressed and pessimistic as I was before I escaped from the 7th circle of hell, but that isn't true. I just decided to come here at a bad time! I've actually gotten to be a lot more positive over the past couple of months, and definitely a LOT less stressed. I can tell because the jeans I'd shrunk out of a few months ago fit snugly again, my acne has cleared up almost completely (hallelujia!), and I finally feel like if I found a job right now I could actually stomach going to work! Next time I write a post I'll make sure I'm in a better mood so I can prove how happy I really am. ;)

Laze

2011-10-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am in hell today. It's like 95 degrees here and I'm dealing with AF at her worst. This after she teased me by showing up for our monthly date three days late. :P Thankfully my advil/tylenol cocktail has mellowed her out a little bit, but I'm tired and I really don't feel like doing anything today. Although getting out of my non-air-conditioned house does hold some appeal. I do need to eat after all, and driving someplace where someone besides me makes the food certainly sounds better than the alternative. (The alternative being sitting at home starving because I really don't feel like fixing anything.) I'll consider this and other options while I type up nothing in particular.

Am I alone in thinking it's a lot more satisfying to be lazy on rainy days than sunny ones? Rainy weather seems to instantly excuse the lack of all productivity, as if the potential for getting wet is too horrifying to even consider. On sunny days though, I feel like at the very least I should go outside and absorb some vitamin D for a few minutes. If I wasn't entertaining my dear aunt Flo and any of my friends weren't working today I might go to the beach for a couple of hours. Alas, I shall relegate myself to watching crappy TV and occasionally checking Facebook. Maybe I'll get a burst of energy and do the dishes that have been patiently awaiting a good scrubbing for the past day (or two)...

On the bright side, I know Hubs doesn't expect too much of me on CD2, due to the punctuality of my cramps. Which is really good today because I haven't so much as gotten dressed since I showered a few hours ago. Yep, that's right. I've been lounging around the house in my skivvies for most of the day now. Feels pretty good, too!

Now I'm just babbling. I really should eat some food. I guess that means I should put some clothes on.

Floating along

2011-10-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

Oh FUNemployment, the bloom had to fall off the rose eventually. My first few weeks went by quite happily. I kept up on the daily chores and even completed a couple of household projects, rarely even turning the TV on most days. I was pretty proud of me! Last week, though, that all went to hell. I slipped into a little bit of a depression and spent most of the week on the couch watching TV. I'm not sure what made me so down in the dumps all of a sudden, but I can tell you I've been thinking quite a lot about babies lately. AF should be arriving any second now, in fact she's a day or two late at the moment, and I've been having these really vivid PMS dreams almost every night. One of them involved me finding two little parentless, homeless girls, which Hubs encouraged me to keep (only to tell me later that he'd been cheating on me). And in another, my SIL gave me one of her children. Ya think maybe something's on my mind??

I guess this all began when I found out one of my closest friends is expecting. She is my first really good friend to become pregnant, and honestly I think took the news really well. Maybe for the first time I'm truly, legitimately happy without a shred of envy for for someone pregnant. Of course I wish it would happen for me, but I don't wish it was me instead of her at all. But the news did get me thinking a LOT about having kids, and how maybe Hubs and I could still have a chance at a natural conception. Neither of us want (me) to fall back into the habit of obsession that took over my life when we were TTC, so we aren't officially trying, but we are having a lot of sex. With as few expectations as humanly possible.

Is that even possible??? I hope so, because I think having a lot of sex is good for a marriage! That's how I'm choosing to look at it, not that we are "not not trying," but that we're helping to keep our marriage strong. And in the meantime, I'm back to keeping myself busy and taking on more projects.

And I do love projects! Day-to-day housework and chores bore the daylights out of me, but there's something really satisfying about working on a detailed project and watching it come to fruition. I spent two days contact-papering all of the kitchen shelves and drawers a couple of weeks ago, and I made my own Halloween silhouettes for the living room. It was great being able to take my time to get them just right, and both turned out really well. I've also done a little baking (which I've discovered I like a lot more than cooking), but I have to be careful not to take on too many of those projects as I've already gained a little "contentment" weight back! If you have any suggestions for fun, calorie-free household projects, I'm all ears.

Right now, I'm going to go spackle the door frames we (finally) put up so that tomorrow I can start painting them!

Settling in

2011-09-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

What is the date today?? Seriously, I'm starting to have trouble keeping up with the days of the week, much less the date now that one day is pretty much exactly the same as the next.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm very much enjoying my temporary life of leisure, but it can get boring being home alone most of the time. And you know what they say about idle hands being the devil's playground? Well, an idle mind isn't any better. I try to keep myself busy with housework and that keeps my hands from doing the devil's dirty work, but it's not much for intellectual stimulation. Plus I have altogether too much time to THINK.

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about is, of course, infertility. I'm getting a little bitter again, people, and I don't like it. Several of my girlfriends have new babies or are pregnant or wanting to get pregnant right now too, which isn't helping matters. I find myself comparing my life to theirs and I don't measure up. I'm feeling "behind" when it comes to almost everything - money, home, career, education; but especially family. I talk a big game about how being child-free is perfect for Hubs and I right now, how having children now would be terrible timing, and how much I enjoy my quiet home... But if I'm being 100% honest with myself I have to admit that I do want a child. Just one.

I'm not about to start TTC naturally again and we clearly can't afford any medical intervention while I'm FUNemployed. They're just thoughts going through my head. Dreams. Wishes. Whatever. It's clear I need more to do.

So I started writing again. I have a start on what might become my book that I like more than the three other starts I had months ago, and that's been a fun creative outlet. I've been working on some things for my women's group too, and looking for volunteer opportunities during weekdays. I'd like to say I've been using my free time to finally tackle some projects around the house like papering the kitchen shelves and painting the door trim... but I haven't. At least the dishes and laundry are getting done regularly though, right?

I'll need to start doing more stuff just so I have more to write about. I think I'm getting less interesting by the day! Well, I did do one interesting thing this week. On Thursday night I went out with some ladies from my group to see Steel Magnolias at the local playhouse. My goodness, if you think the movie is a tear-jerker you should see it performed live. Not a dry eye in the house! Oh! And it was finally cool enough out that I could wear the new cute sweater dress I got for my birthday. Mmm... I just love fall fashion. Too bad I won't be able to afford it this year.

Well, maybe I'll paper the kitchen shelves next week so I'll have an exciting story for you all. ;) Happy weekend! (It is the weekend, right?)

Alignment

2011-09-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's old news now, but my job at the Seventh Circle of Hell is officially behind me.

~Queue Cheering~

My last day there was last Tuesday, hence the reason this is "old news," and ever since then I've been processing it all. I expected to walk out of there for the last time with a thrilling sense of relief, which I did. Actually I was so relieved while I was still in the office with HR and my boss that I started to tear up just a little. (Don't worry, I didn't let any tears fall, that would have sent the wrong message!) But I didn't expect for that relief to almost instantly turn into restlessness and worry. Was I being irresponsible by not trying harder to stay employed there? Was Hubs disappointed in me? Was I causing him undue stress? Even though he and I had talked at length about this happening, and about how we would be okay if and when it happened, I still found it necessary to question everything, as is my way.

On the surface it might seem irresponsible not to do everything it takes to stay employed when I was making a solid income in this economy. However, I believe that job did what it was inteded to do for me. It helped Hubs and me make enough money to buy our house and pay off almost all of our debt. It gave me new experiences as well; experiences that will hopefully help me land another job. And at the same time, it fought mightily with infertility for top spot in "Which stressor can make Kitty's life more miserable?" I've been able to start putting IF behind me, I just had to wait a little longer before I could put the 7th Circle of Hell behind me as well.

As my friend A keeps telling me, the universe is in alignment for me right now.

For one, and this is a big one, I was very fortunate to have been able to prepare for this. Even before the shit hit the fan on my first day back from vacation I knew it was coming. And during my vacation, for the first time probably ever, I was able to see that my job wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things. That being happy was really all I needed to focus on. There have been some little things too: Our most recent women's group topic was on coping with change; Hubs had the day off the day after I was let go, and he also had an extra long Labor Day weekend (which just ended today, sigh); my friend K had recently been through a very similar situation at the 7th Circle and was able to help me through it with my sanity (mostly) intact; and things were about to go from bad to worse at work at any minute. If I'd stayed through that, I would certainly have lost what was left of my sanity.

I said back in January that 2011 would be dubbed "Awesome Kitty 2011." Now I think that's happening in two parts: The first part of the year I was able to focus on putting the pain of IF behind me and become more comfortable, happy and grateful for what I have. The second part started when I realized there's more to life than work or the Almighty Dollar. After three and a half years of being worn down by work and infertility, I've lost myself. But how amazingly fortunate is it that just at the moment I needed to find myself again, to find confidence and happiness and peace again, I was given the opportunity to do just that?? Even though it's not an ideal situation, I feel blessed for this opportunity, and I'm going to take full advantage of it.

STDSANHK: Nieces and nephews

2011-08-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

I love being an auntie. Hubs and I have eight nieces and nephews whose ages range from 1 to 22 years old, and every one of them has brought so many smiles and wonderful moments to our lives. I've often wished we could provide some cousins for our little tykes to play with, but since that dream has gone by the wayside I've become more appreciative of what we have.

I myself have more aunts and uncles than you can shake a stick at, and growing up the ones who made the biggest impression on me were those who were childless during my formative years. When the whole family got together, they were the ones who had the time and energy to hang out with my siblings, cousins and I, while the moms and dads enjoyed grown-up conversations away from the kids. The childless aunts and uncles woud talk to us and tell us jokes and funny stories. They taught us how to play pool and they played games with us. They were the easygoing, fun, exciting family members that us kids looked forward to spending time with almost as much as we looked forward to spending time with our cousins. The childless aunts and uncles were the Big Kids.

Now it's my turn to be a Big Kid with my nieces and nephews. When our siblings are tired from working and parenting all day (all week... all year...), Hubs and I have the energy to run around after their kids. We're happy to listen to them chatter incessantly about their latest obsessions from Dora to video games to *gasp* love interests. We're happy to push them on the swing, sit on the floor and color with them, and let them show us their rooms for the fifteen hundredth time. And I in particular am always happy to hold the baby until she falls asleep when my siblings are busy getting ready for birthday parties for the older tykes!

I feel that Hubs and I are so willing and able to do all this stuff because we don't have kids of our own. We're not required to do it every single day the way a parent is, and we get plenty of breaks in between the times we see our nieces and nephews, so there's no burnout. When we hang out with our nieces and nephews we're on top of our game and can be the most fun Auntie and Uncle possible!

The best part is, I know my siblings and sibs-in-law appreciate our "help." It's funny because Hubs and I want to and enjoy playing an active part in the kids' lives, so when our siblings thank us for spending time with their kids I think, there's no reason for that. I think we get as much out of it as the kids do, and we benefit as much from it as our siblings do. Nevertheless, it's nice to know that we're taking some of the pressure off of them, and that we're making a meaningful contribution to the well-being of our family.

Back to reality

2011-08-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

If I thought work couldn't get any worse, I was dead wrong.

My vacation was wonderful. I spent many days swimming in the ocean, lying in the sun, and not giving a single thought to the Seventh Circle of Hell. I even got a lovely tan that's still sticking around. There were walks on the beach, wine tastings, gambling, fun with friends, bike rides and way too much food! I wish it could've lasted forever.

Then the day I went back to work, that was all shattered. Yet again, I got written up. Not only that, but I'm on probation as well. It's about 95% BS. I figured I'd get written up for one of the things on there, as ridiculous as it is, because I know my boss and the way she thinks. The other item I got written up for is 100% BS: I was empowered to make a decision, but when I didn't make the decision that my boss wanted me to make, she got pissed. Instead of simply overriding me, she waited until I was out of the office for two weeks to write me up for it. Wanna know what the decision was? Whether or not to allow one of my employees to leave work an hour early. I wrote a lengthy response to the write-up and didn't get so much as a nod from my boss in return. All I got was notification that my response was placed in my personnel file.

Nothing that happens there surprises me anymore. My probationary period is up on Sept 6 and I'm hoping against hope that I'll get the axe by then. In fact, every day I go to work with a wish in my heart that they've found some reason to let me go. I've done my homework by talking to my friend in HR as well as my sister (a.k.a. my attorney), and as long as I don't get fired for "cause" I'll get unemployment. After many conversations with Hubs, we both agree this would be the best thing for me, and for our marriage. I realize it's not PC to want to be on unemployment especially in this economy, but I've been through eight straight months of overwhelming stress on the job, and no matter what I do I can't seem to be what they want so I've given up trying. I need to be out of there any way I can at this point.

In the meantime, I am finally learning to manage my stress. I'm reading an awesome book called "The Joy of Living," which describes how and why science backs up the pracice of meditation, and it details several types of meditation. I had no idea it was so simple! I've been able to practice for a few minutes here and there, and even those brief moments are enough to help keep me feeling more balanced. Maybe soon I'll have plenty of time to practice all I want! I can feel the stress melting away even as I type...

31

2011-07-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and lemme tell ya, it was infinitely better than my 30th. Pardon me while I regale you with far too many details and with way too much enthusiasm!

The party was so freakin' much fun, I don't even know where to begin. I don't know if they ever read my blog, but I'm thinking the appropriate place to start is by thanking L (my SIL, whose idea it was to have the party, and who took the reins in organizing the whole thing) and A (my BFF, who was L's right-hand woman in planning and executing the festivities): I love you both, I couldn't hope for better friends!

As usual, I sucked at documenting any part of the setup or celebration itself with photographic evidence. My mom was taking pictures during the party, so maybe some day I'll get my hands on those images, but for now all I have is this:

If you're wondering whether that's a homemade tiramisu cupcake, let me assure you that it is. And it was even more delicious than it looks. I didn't get photos of the other cupcake varieties that A, my mom, my niece S, and I made on Saturday afternoon, but they were:

Chocolate Stout

Strawberry Shortcake

Margarita (complete with sugared rim)

Lemon with Blueberry Compote

It was a lot of work for 3 dozen cupcakes, even with 4 people, but well worth the effort! They were super fancy-lookin' and tasty, and a HUGE hit at the party.

The decor was even better than I imagined. We strung market lights over the patio and barbecue area, and under them were three cocktail tables with black and teal linens, each topped with candles and fuschia orchids. More candles dotted each of the three decks that climb the embankment above the patio, with seating areas and hors d'oeuvres stations on the two decks that have ocean views.

Speaking of food, my family kicked ass pulling together several yummy dishes! A made red pepper hummus and olive tapenade, L made brie en croute and fruit skewers, Hubs made mini teriyaki drumsticks, my mom made bbq meatballs, and my MIL made mini pigs-in-a-blanket.

And of course you can't have a cocktail party without cocktails! My dad provided the beer, wine, and sodas, and my sister D rocked it with two superb martinis: "Absolut Sexy Lemonade Punch" and the "Kitini" (my invention, ingredients below).

The best part of course, were the guests! Everyone had a great time, and I even got to see a family friend that I haven't talked to in ages. (She was in rare form!) It was nothing short of an amazing night.

The Kitini (AKA: Knock You on Your Ass Frou-Frou Delight)

2 parts vodka

1 part orange vodka

2 parts cranberry juice cocktail

1 part Kiwi-Strawberry flavored Juicy Juice

A few good squeezes of fresh lime or lime juice

Shake with crushed ice, strain, and serve

Recommendation: Garnish with a small slice of watermelon or half a strawberry

STDSANHK: Sleep

2011-07-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Show of hands: How many of you have seen or heard about this little gem?

Another show of hands: How many parents actually own this little gem?

I first heard about this book a couple of months ago on FB and thought it sounded hi-freaking-larious. I've decided that should I ever have a child, this is the first baby-related item I'll be purchasing for myself. No, it won't help my kid fall asleep any faster (probably), but since a good sense of humor is absolutely essential to maintaining one's sanity, and sleep deprivation is one of the quickest ways to lose one's sanity, I figure it's a solid investment.

Until that day comes, however, I am going to be ever so grateful for my ability to sleep pretty much as much as I want. Because one thing I know about having children, especially very young children, is that they aren't nearly as interested in sleeping through the night as I am. I'm the type of girl who needs a minimum of 7 hours of sleep a night - every night - in order to feel human. I've worked through days after getting only a few hours of sleep, and guess what: It's not fun. I am not a nice person when I'm tired, and I'm really kind of a raging bitch when I'm truly sleep-deprived.

On top of my nocturnal requirements, I'm also a fan of another type of unconscious activity, maybe you've heard of it. It's called Sleeping In. I've never been much for naps, but man alive can I sleep in with the best of them. Every other Saturday when Hubs has to work I'm not shy about sleeping in until as late as noon (I do get a little shy when it starts creeping up on 1:00 p.m., though). And if I had my way I'd sleep until 8:00 a.m. every day (except every other Saturday, of course).

Some kids, especially school-aged children, might be down with sleeping in. I know I was. But most younger kids, in my experience anyway, have no time for such nonsense. I think they're under the (clearly false) impression that they're missing out on something if they're not awake during daylight hours. There is no reasoning with a toddler, however, so most parents are up when the kid is, stumbling to the coffee pot, blearily rubbing sleep from their puffy eyes...

Meanwhile, I'm snoring away, happily dreaming about the next time I get to sleep in until noon... Which is just a few days away now!

My body may be here...

2011-07-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

...but my mind's on vacation!

Sure I still have almost two flipping weeks until my two week vacation starts, but apparently my brain has already taken off. My motivation levels are dangerously low, and the daily lag factor is increasing... uh... daily (duh). By this time next week it's going to feel like I have three more weeks of waiting left.

But I don't!! I only have 8 business days, 3 hours, and 44 minutes... Actually if you factor in the workshop I'll be at instead of work tomorrow (a six-hour day), it's only 1 hour and 42 minutes. But who's counting?

I am!!

It's going to be a looong 8 business days, 1 hour and 41 minutes.

So, you want me to refresh your memory as to what I'll be doing on my two glorious weeks away from the Seventh Circle of Hell? Well why didn't you say so?? I'm only too happy to oblige!

Day 1 is actually my birthday (7/23 in case you don't have it on your calendar yet). So right off the bat I'll be spending my vacation a year older. A small price to pay, I suppose, especially considering that my SIL, L, and my BFF, A, have been working tirelessly to throw me the most fabulous birthday cocktail party of all time! (It will actually be a relatively small affair, but that doesn't mean it can't still be the most fabulous of all time.) Can you think of a better way to kick off a vacation than that? I can't. It's going to rock my socks off, I'm convinced.

Next, Hubs and I will be taking a day trip to good ol' Venice Beach! It's been years since I've been down there, and Hubs hasn't ever really spent any time there. Should be a nice mellow day of checking out the crazy people. I'll be sure to stop by Muscle Beach for all you gals and bring back some pics. ;)

Unfortunately, Hubs only has two days off work the first week I'm off, so I've been contemplating how I should spend the other three days alone. I'm thinking I'll go to the movies one day, and hopefully the other two days will be sunny enough that I can lay out and work on not being so pasty white. Also I may try out some new recipes. How do you like to spend your free time alone?

And finally, the pies de resistance, we'll be spending seven heavenly nights camping at the beach, as per our usual summer ritual. It may not be a resort in the Bahamas, but as long as I have plenty of margaritas and reading material I'll be happy!

Now to get through the next 8 business days, 1 hour and 6 minutes. Heavens to Murgatroid, that's a looong time...

P.S. Check out my new section for freebies in the column to the left! I'm sharing the wealth with you all whenever I get an offer for free stuff.

All about my booty

2011-07-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

My butt is officially as old as I am. The other day as I was trapsing about the house nekkid as a jaybird and without a care in the world, I noticed something wiggling and jiggling behind me. No, it wasn't my fanny pack full of water balloons, it was my derrier, and it was not a good feeling.

I've been a tad preoccupied with my booty ever since. Something I didn't expect to come with age is the apparent shrinking of my once perky posterior. You'd think this would be a good thing since I've always been extra "blessed" in that region, but no. It is not a good thing. It may look a little smaller because it doesn't stick out so much anymore, but what I suspect is actually happening is the dreaded phenomenon known as Chair Butt. Chair Butt, caused by excessive sitting and too few contractions of the gluteus maximus, is evidenced by the smooshing of the booty and a slow horizontal migration of the muscles. (Yes, I said muscles! Let me have my delusions!)

My pleasing patootie was my last hope that I didn't reeeally need to start exercising regularly. I could overlook the slight "wave" of my triceps, the distinct lack of definition in my tummy, and even the ever-expandingness of my ever-expanding thighs, but this is the final blow. You see, Hubs is a big fan of my booty, and I just can't in good conscience let him keep telling me how wonderful it is when I know it is no longer. Plus, I have to wear a bathing suit for like 7 days straight starting at the end of this month. That gives me three and a half weeks to start improving this little situation.

So as soon as I get home today I'll be starting a pilates and squats regimen. There's a pilates program conveniently available through my cable company's "on demand" option, and I'll be adding the 200 Squats online program to it. Who needs a gym? Not I!

The real challenge of course will be following through with my goal of improving my glutes! Not a rhetorical question: How do you motivate yourself to stick with an exercise regimen?

Stuff that doesn't suck about not having kids

2011-07-01T15:00:00.000-07:00

While I'm in limbo deciding what will ultimately be the next direction my blog takes, I had a thought! (Red letter day! A thought entered my mind that had nothing whatsoever to do with audits or job hunts or new hires or irate customers or file maintenance...) As you may have guessed from the oh-so-subtle title of this post, that thought was to write about stuff that doesn't suck about not having kids. 'Cause I'm realizing that there's actually a lot of stuff I'm grateful for that I wouldn't be able to enjoy if this whole infertility thing didn't happen to me.

Because I am the Queen of Disclaimers, I have this to say before I begin: These posts may sometimes sound like generalizations, but in reality they're specific to me and my situation. Of course I hope I have some readers who'll go, "Oh!! I totally agree! I also think that's something that doesn't suck about being childless!" But I also expect to have some readers who'll go, "Okay, but I would give that up in half a heartbeat, no questions asked, if I could just have one opportunity to have a child." Or even some moms thinking, "Yeah, but being a mom is infinitely better than that, and I wouldn't trade it for a lifetime of that." I get it. I'm just sayin', please don't get offended.  This is fair warning that I intend to remove some of my filters, and it might get a little blunt up in here.

Like today, for example, I'm gonna write about SEX. And I don't mean babymakin'.

Call me a whore (I really wasn't), but in my youth and heyday I was quite the adventurous sexual partner, and looking back I'd say I peaked when Hubs and I were dating the first time around. Our chemistry was spectacular from the start, and we were young and full of hormones and carefree energy.  We (or maybe just I, Hubs never seems to be at a loss for interest in sex) have lost some of that over the years thanks to infertility, relationship issues, and work stress; i.e. life. But now that we're putting the thought of having kids on the back-burner indefinitely, we have the chance to work on bringing that spark back to the bedroom. And oh my goodness, it's fun.

Being infertile and not TTC means we now get to have sex for no other reason than to freakin' feel good! And not having kids means we get to be as free as we wanna be when we do the deed. If we feel like covering the living room floor with blankets and pillows and spending a Saturday afternoon rolling around in them, we get to do that.  We don't have to worry about being walked in on or being caught by innocent eyes. We don't have to think twice, or even once, about being too loud, or walking around the house naked (with the blinds closed! I'm not an exhibitionist for crying out loud), or where we keep the adult toys - I mean, uhh... What??

Not having kids also means we have more time and energy to have sex. Kids require a lot of attention if I'm not mistaken, and from my experiences with my numerous nieces and nephews I've found that they also require a LOT of energy. Even after babysitting for a couple of hours I'm ready for a nap! I know that if I'd had a baby when we started TTC over three years ago, and if I now had a toddler (or two) to chase around after working a long day in the Seventh Circle of Hell, my energy would be completely sapped. I can't say how that would've affected my sex life, but knowing myself, I'm 100% sure it would not have enhanced it.

So yes, for the moment, I'm grateful that not having kids means I can go back to having great sex with the Hubs. It's the perfect situation for me right now - No need for birth control thanks to my bum repro tract, if I do happen to end up pregnant I'll be happy, and I have nothing preventing me from just enjoying myself to the max! I may not be the whore I used to be, but I'm starting to think (hope!) that maybe I didn't "peak" all those years ago after all.

2011-06-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

One day I will write you a real post. One with meaning and depth. And it will be beautiful and glorious, and you will be a better person for having read it.

Today, unfortunately, is not that day. Today you get bullet points.

Did you know it's possible to throw your back out simply by waking up? It's true! And I'm living proof. Early Monday morning I opened my sleepy eyes, went to roll over, and WHAM! Instant excruciating pain. I yelled. A lot. (I'm sure Hubs was super appreciative for that wake up call.) It took both Hubs and me around 30 minutes just to figure out how to get me out of bed without making things worse. Luckily he was able to call in sick and took me to the doctor. I spent the next two days in a pain killer-induced fog, napping on the couch and vaguely listening to episode after episode of the old X-Men cartoon playing on TV. I'm feeling somewhat better now, and I'm planning on a nice long visit to the masseuse this weekend.
I have mastered the growing of vegetables! Okay that might be a stretch, but I have been successful in growing some vegetables. I have a GIANT zucchini plant with 2 almost-fully-grown zucchinis on it, and I have baby tomatoes on both of my tomato vines too. Which leads me to a question: How do you know when a zucchini is ready to be picked? To me they look just like the ones in the grocery store right now. Should I pick them now? Or will they keep getting bigger or what? (See, I am not quite to "master" status just yet.)
Flowers on zucchini plants are GORGEOUS!
Work still sucks and so does the job market.
I'm very excited about Fourth of July this year because I'm taking a four-day weekend. Yes, most of my excitement lately revolves around me not having to be at work. Even having a totally jacked-up back was better than being at work. But I digest. That weekend my friend A and I are taking a two-hour drive to talk to her sister about starting a second chapter of our women's group. Can you believe it? I'm amazed we already have interest in chapters, and not just the one. There's at least one other person interested in starting a chapter in her city too! I shouldn't really be surprised, it's a great group and it's done wonders for my outlook on life. Of course other people would want to be involved too!
Three weeks after that long weekend I'm taking my requisite 2 week vacation. Ahhh... Even though it's forced on me every year, and even though it's a huge pain trying to divvy up the rest of my meager vacation allotment throughout the rest of the year, it's really nice to have 2 weeks away from work. This year my vacay kicks off with...drumroll please...MY BIRTHDAY! With any luck, my birthday this year will be infinitely better than the last (ya know, with that whole miscarriage thing). So far so good. I am already off the hook for planning my own celebration; my awesome SIL L and my amazing friend A are doing it for me! I love them! It's going to be a small cocktail party in my parents' backyard, something I've always wanted to do because my parents have a beautiful backyard that's just begging to be used for a cocktail party. I can't wait. After that I'll be spending some time puttering around the house, followed by a week camping at the beach. Pleeeeease hurry up and get here, vacation time!!

That's all I've got for now. Holy good gravy this day is dragging. Times like this I wish I lived on the East Coast!

Coming and going... mostly going

2011-06-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

There comes a time in every childless, non-TTC Infertile's journey when she realizes it's time to move on from the blogland that once provided her with so much comfort. The ALI blogosphere has been an amazing support system throughout my infertility, miscarriage, and even my baby steps (pun intended) into a happily childfree life (so far, knock on wood!). YOU are all amazing and I appreciate all of the words, thoughts and encouragement you've offered me.

I've come to a decision, though, or at least half of a decision. (If you've been around this blog long enough you know how indecisive I am and that half a decision is as good as it gets some days.) That half of a decision is this: It's time for me to stop following TTC and parenting blogs. This probably does not come as a shock to anyone, but I thought it would be rude to one day just up and disappear from twenty-something 'following' lists. I mean no offense by taking this action and I won't take offense if I lose followers for doing it. When I was TTC, this blog was a sanctuary to me. I came here and visited your blogs daily, and it was a relief and a joy and a glimmer of hope during a dark time in my life. Unfortunately, and I'd hoped this wouldn't happen, now seeing all those TTC and mommy blogs in my blogroll is a sad reminder of that dark time. And I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to do what is healthy for me and what makes me happy.

The other half of the decision I've been mulling over is what to do with this blog. I don't have anything specific to write about these days and I'm afraid it's getting pretty boring! On the other hand, for better or worse, this blog is a part of me and I can't bear to simply shut it down. At least not yet. I still have the urge to write, and I don't want to start fresh with a new name and a new space. The Life and Times of KitVonD was always supposed to be about me, not just my infertility. So here it will stay, and eventually, for the sake of anyone reading this, I hope it gets more interesting!

So if you see my name disappear from your blog, please know I wish you nothing but the very best. I am so happy that so many of my IF sisters have gotten exactly what they hoped for. I know you will never take your children for granted and you will never forget the struggle you overcame. That struggle will make you a better person and a better parent, and your children will benefit from the wisdom you've gained. For those still waiting for your miracles, hang in there! And I don't say that lightly. I know how difficult it is to wait, to feel the agony of loss, and to wonder if you'll ever get to hold your own baby in your arms. I can't tell you how your journey will end, but I can tell you there is hope, and there is happiness to be had and life to enjoy in the meantime.

Thank you for allowing me to share in your journeys. XOXO

10 on Tuesday

2011-05-31T16:20:00.000-07:00

1. What a freaking fabulous weekend. Weekends like that make coming back to work even harder than usual! But between half a Xanax and a cup of coffee, I'm feeling almost human today. Now I'm going to cheat and break down my weekend activities so as to make it easier for me to come up with 10 things to tell you about. Whoever said cheaters never prosper?

2. On Saturday I went to a friend's bridal shower, which was just lovely! And as usual, I won a prize, because I am the shower game queen and I almost always win a prize whenever I go to showers. It was a picture frame, in case you were wondering. My friend A won a prize too, but she already owned the exact thing she won (a nice little makeup kit) so she gave it to me! Win-win!!

3. Hubs and I joined some friends for a day of bar-hopping on Sunday Bloody Funday (that's the British use of "bloody," FYI. Don't worry, no one was hurt). All told, we visited six bars and drank for about 8 hours straight. We ended the day by dancing our butts off at a local club, which is a testament to how good a time I had because for everyone's sake, I normally do NOT dance in public.

4. We held a semi-impromptu bbq at my house yesterday. I first worried that too many people would show up, then when no one responded on our FB announcements I worried that no one would show up. Yes, there's always something for me to fret over! But of course, it turned out just fine. I got to spend some time with a few friends I haven't seen in a while, and it was even nice to see my almost 7 months pregnant friend. The green-eyed monster was nowhere to be found.

5. I have tomatoes!!! Our Early Girl has two little green tomatoes on it already! I really hope I get to eat them before the bugs do. Any tips on organic pest control? I don't know that we'll have a problem, but I want to be prepared just in case.

6. It's taken me all flipping day to get to #6.

7. We have a "new" TV and it is GIGANTIC. Well, 56" is gigantic for my 884 square foot house anyway. It belonged to my younger brother who recently upgraded to the latest and greatest, so we got his hand-me-down for a deep discount. Hubs set it up today and now I'm itching to go home and enjoy HD for the first time in my own living room! I have a feeling it's going to be like sitting in a movie theater.

8. I meant to be more clever and witty in this post, but I clearly failed in that endeavor. My apologies. It's been a busy day and AF is seriously kicking me right in the uterus today. Now I'm just trying to finish this up so I can clean up my desk and go home!

9. Hubs and I have started planning our next road trip, which won't be until next summer, but I'm nothing if not a planner! We'll be driving up the coast to Vancouver, BC, with stops along the way including Sacramento, Napa, Portland, and Seattle. We visited Vancouver once, but only got to stay for a day. We both loved it though so we're excited to go back and actually spend some time there.

10. I made it to the end of the workday, and now I'm going home to snuggle up with my hubby and watch my new TV. TGI-No Longer Tuesday!

More from "The Prophet"

2011-05-31T08:06:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this today because if I let myself keep thinking about how miserable I am at work, I will break down in tears at my desk. It's better to try to stay strong! ...Or something.

On Work:
Then a ploughman said, "Speak to us of Work."

And he answered, saying:

You work that you may keep pace with the earth and the soul of the earth.

For to be idle is to become a stranger unto the seasons, and to step out of life's procession, that marches in majesty and proud submission towards the infinite.

When you work you are a flute through whose heart the whispering of the hours turns to music.

Which of you would be a reed, dumb and silent, when all else sings together in unison?

Always you have been told that work is a curse and labour a misfortune.

But I say to you that when you work you fulfil a part of earth's furthest dream, assigned to you when that dream was born,

And in keeping yourself with labour you are in truth loving life,

And to love life through labour is to be intimate with life's inmost secret.

But if you in your pain call birth an affliction and the support of the flesh a curse written upon your brow, then I answer that naught but the sweat of your brow shall wash away that which is written.

You have been told also life is darkness, and in your weariness you echo what was said by the weary.

And I say that life is indeed darkness save when there is urge,

And all urge is blind save when there is knowledge,

And all knowledge is vain save when there is work,

And all work is empty save when there is love;

And when you work with love you bind yourself to yourself, and to one another, and to God.

And what is it to work with love?

It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.

It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house.

It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.

It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit,

And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you and watching.

Often have I heard you say, as if speaking in sleep, "he who works in marble, and finds the shape of his own soul in the stone, is a nobler than he who ploughs the soil.

And he who seizes the rainbow to lay it on a cloth in the likeness of man, is more than he who makes the sandals for our feet."

But I say, not in sleep but in the over-wakefulness of noontide, that the wind speaks not more sweetly to the giant oaks than to the least of all the blades of grass;

And he alone is great who turns the voice of the wind into a song made sweeter by his own loving.

Work is love made visible.

And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter bread that feeds but half man's hunger.

And if you grudge the crushing of the grapes, your grudge distils a poison in the wine.

And if you sing though as angels, and love not the singing, you muffle man's ears to the voices of the day and the voices of the night.

BYOC

2011-05-27T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm hopping on the latest blog trend and participating in Bring Your Own Crazy since it's a holiday weekend and my workday is dragging like a... a... well I can't think of anything funny that drags right now. Probably because my brain has been on vacation since yesterday at about 3:00 p.m. It's a good thing all BYOC requires is for the blogger to answer some questions, so not too much thought required!

Thank you Sweet Pea for spreading the word!

1. When is the last time you gave and got a compliment? Today! A coworker complimented me on my top, and I complimented one of my employees on her sparkly purple nail polish.

2. What do you wear to bed? This is an interesting question because I'm in the process of updating my bedtime wardrobe. I normally wear PJ pants or shorts and a tank top or t-shirt. However, all my old PJ bottoms are older than God and uglier than sin (you see what I did there?) and Hubs hates them. I'll stick with the same basic uniform for the most part, but out with the old and in with the new! I just started ordering some new stuff this week actually.

Eh, I guess it wasn't that interesting after all.

3. If you could pick your dream job - with no worries of shifts or money or bosses or commute - what would it be and where? I would love to be a backup singer, and if I'm dreaming big here, might as well be in Hawaii!

4. Okay - I'm not trying to start some huge controversy with this question but I have to put it out there. If you're being honest - do you think staying at home or working outside the home is harder? Can you honestly recognize they are both equally hard? Even if you don't have kids - have you heard others talk about the two professions judgmentally? I'm not going to lie, for me it would be much, much easier to stay at home than to work at the job I'm currently at. But I don't have kids and my house doesn't take that much work to maintain. I'm not sure you can generalize an answer to this question because everyone's situation is so unique. If I were to compare myself four years ago to a stay-at-home mom with several kids, I think I could honestly say that the SAHM's job would be harder. But that's because I LOVED my old job and got to come home to a quiet, relaxing household every day. Have I heard others talk about the two professions judgmentally? Of course! Who hasn't? And if I can rock the boat just a tad, it always amuses me how quickly SAHM's jump on the defensive as soon as anyone says anything remotely related to being a stay-at-home, even if there is zero judgment being passed on SAHM's. I had this happen to me on my FB status once. I was totally talking about my own personal experience, no judgment on anyone whatsoever, and all these moms started chiming in like I'd told them they were worthless. Relax, ladies! If I was going to be bitchy to you I certainly wouldn't do it on FB where you could defend yourselves. I'd do it behind your backs like any other self-respecting woman! (Kidding! Mostly... ;)

5. Summarize your week in blogland and in real life. Uhhh... I only posted twice on my blog this week (not counting today), so if you want to know what happened here, please go back and read my carefully selected words from my prior posts!

Sigh... Okay fine, if you're going to be lazy about it ;) - I posted about finally finding some happiness in being childless, and I also posted about my backyard.

In real life I've been ridiculously PMSed and super bitchy. Has that not come across in this post? If not I apologize, and I promise to do better next time.

Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

A beginner's advice on not killing plants

2011-05-26T12:35:00.000-07:00

Who else feels like they've really earned this upcoming three-day weekend? Hubs keeps asking if I want to have people over for a barbecue, but I'm looking forward to some R&R. I wouldn't mind having a few friends over, if only I could get away with not having to clean the house first... Sigh... Unfortunately, given the current state of our house, the odds are excellent that I'll be cleaning this weekend regardless!

I feel like talking about my backyard today. Lately I love fantasizing about how it will someday look. Because our house is so tiny, I'm dying to make my backyard an extension of the house. Right now we're too broke to be able to afford the pergola and deck and fireplace and outdoor furniture that I desperately want, so we're focusing on keeping our plants alive and well. Because that is free. Then when we can afford all these other things, we'll already have a beautiful space to enjoy. (That's what I keep telling myself, anyway.)

My veggie garden is surviving and a couple of the plants are already flowering, so I'm hoping for at least some zucchini and cherry tomatoes relatively soon! Can I just say how flipping amazing and exciting I find it that I can stick a seed in the dirt, splash some water on it, and a little while later have a big ol' plant ready to feed me?? (How obvious is it that this is my first time attempting to grow vegetables?) Well, to me it's exciting. And to my SIL, L, too. My brother built a veggie bed at their house this spring, and L and I were practically squealing over the thrill of seeing our first sprouts. Ah, everyday miracles!

Besides the veggie garden, we've been doing some work in our garden garden too. I've always joked that I have a black thumb because I usually manage to kill every plant that is left in my care. People, I've been known to straight up murder a cactus, which takes a special kind of talent. But I think I'm starting to get the hang of keeping plants alive. For one, I've learned that WATER is key to a plant's survival. Right?? Go figure. My flowering plants are just loving life now that their thirst is being quenched on a regular basis. And my hydrangea, which I've had for almost three years, is suddenly three times as big as it's ever been and ready to burst into bloom any minute. Hmm... Guess I thought the 2" of rain we get a year would somehow be enough to sustain life in (what was until recently) my garden-o-twigs.

Two, PRUNING is good! I'm amazed at how huge my roses got this year after pruning them back in January... for the first time... Now I have twice as many roses as usual! And one of my bushes was half-dead (literally, the back side of the main stalk is still totally dried out and D-E-A-D), but it's now as big as my biggest rose bush. I'm so happy because it's my favorite, it blooms with those yellow and orange roses that are so gorgeous.

WEEDING - Okay I'm not seeing any dramatic results in the growth of my plants thanks to weeding, but my planters certainly look a lot nicer.

And finally, when in doubt, PLANT IT ANYWAY. I filled some pots with pansies and marigolds a while back and had a couple leftovers that didn't look like they would make it, but I didn't have the heart to throw them away, so I planted them next to my roses. Then the pansy got trampled by some asshole stray cat and I was sure it was a goner... Now a couple weeks later it's blooming again! No idea how. I also dropped one of my fuschias on it's head and broke most of the limbs off. I planted it anyway and now it has buds almost ready to pop open! There are quite a few plants in my garden that I never thought would survive, but with a little TLC they are now doing just fine.

Here I thought there was some big mystery about growing stuff that I never caught on to, but it turns out all I needed to do was try. I guess maybe I don't have a black thumb after all!

I've been meaning to tell you...

2011-05-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Bad Kitty! I haven't blogged in a long time. Never fear though, I'm around and still reading up on your blogs, it's just mine that's been neglected.

There's nothing really new that's going on to add to the current hecticness that is my life, but I've been trying to be more "present" in all areas: At home, at work, with my women's group, with my friends and family, etc. And let's face it, that means I've been spending a lot less time on the computer when I'm not at work. I even missed a critical FB update the other day that one of my BFFs is going to Africa in a couple of weeks! Jeez! Clearly not being online every waking moment is causing me to miss out on quite a bit.

**********

So, there's something I've been wanting to tell you, but I've been a little heistant. (SPOILER: I'm not pregnant.) It's hard to put into words all the crazy feelings and thoughts that have been going through my head since Hubs and I made the decision to stop TTC. We've obviously both been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of talking about our life and family-building options the past several months. We've talked at length about adoption, IVF, and living childfree, and all these thoughts still swirl around in my head. I mentioned in a previous post that I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed; well, there was this one section that I felt really spoke to me. Before you read the rest of this post, and if you haven't already read the book, please take a minute to read an excerpt from that section here. It goes on for a bit longer in the book (if I recall correctly), but you get the gist.

About 3/4 of the way through that section I literally burst into tears and had to put the book down. I had goosebumps. I was shaking. I wanted to tell everyone who would listen about the Auntie Brigade. I wanted to seek out other "members" of the Auntie Brigade and hear about what they were doing with their lives. I wanted to find tips on how to be a better aunt to my nieces and nephews and what I could do to help my overwhelmed family members with their kids. I had this brand-new image of what my life could be like if I never had children of my own, and for the first time that image didn't look dreary or depressing. Quite the opposite - It looked exciting, fulfilling, and full of opportunity! I almost don't want to admit this, but to be completely honest with you (and myself) I don't remember ever being as excited about the prospect of being a mother as I've lately been about the prospect of being an aunt.

What does this all mean? I don't quite know. Maybe I was PMSed when I read that section and was just incredibly touched by Gilbert's words. I've never heard anyone talk even remotely as highly of childless women as she did. Ever. Or maybe deep down somewhere inside of me, some part of me knows that I could be incredibly happy not being a mom. Maybe even happier than I would be if I were a mom. Right now, and for the past few weeks, I feel like the latter could be the case. I'm not ready to make any decisions yet, or maybe ever, actually. For lots of reasons, I would probably never try to prevent a pregnancy from happening (well, with the exception of months like this one where I was using a medication that could cause serious birth defects). But I'm also not sure I ever again want to voluntarily put myself through the kind of heartache I felt when I was TTC.

I realize that I say the words "for now" a lot, and I'm using them again here. For now, this is how I feel: I'm enjoying the unencumbered freedom of not having children. I'm enjoying my nice, quiet household and the knowledge that I have a beautiful relationship with children whom I love and who love me back. I'm excited about the prospect of (one day) being able to travel the world and afford a nicer house. I like being in a position where Hubs and I could up and move to the other side of the country (or, hell, the other side of the world) if we felt so inclined. I love spending time with my nieces and nephews, and I love being able to go home to my relatively un-demanding little Atticus after they've worn me out.

It's been almost six months since we decided to stop TTC and that decision continues to be a relief to me. I'm still a little pissed that IF robbed me of the option of having kids. I often still get jealous of pregnant bellies and yes, I still avoid pregnant friends. (Although I'm starting to notice that part of the reason I avoid them is because we don't have very much in common anymore.) And sometimes I still get sad about certain aspects of motherhood that I'm missing out on and may never have. These are the reasons I'm not making any serious decisions except to say that Hubs and I aren't making plans for adoption or IVF, and we're certainly not going back to TTC naturally any time soon. I might decide in five years, or in three months, or even tomorrow that my desire to be a mother is too strong not to become one come hell or high water, but right now... I am happy.

Ten on Tuesday

2011-05-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's that time again! Thank you, Marla, for hosting Ten on Tuesday!

1. Today's my Thursday and thank GOD for that. Yesterday was one of those wretched days that reminded me why I really need to send out more resumes. You know it's time to find a new job when you go to lunch and hope you get in a car accident or something else horrible happens to prevent you from going back to work.

2. This Thursday (the real Thursday, not my faux Tuesday/Thursday) is Hubs' and my 4 year wedding anniversary! To celebrate we're taking Thursday and Friday off work and getting some stuff done around the house. Wee! My goal is to paint the front and back doors and (finally!) put up the trim. Hubs keeps trying to sneak in more and more projects but I made him promise that we won't be doing work the entire weekend. I've been anticipating this weekend for WEEKS and I'm going to enjoy relaxing, dammit!

3. We're still planning on going to dinner here for our anniversary, and I think we may also go here at some point this weekend. One of Hubs's best friends is the executive chef at the second place, so we debated going there instead of the first, but really, why choose one when we can go to both?

4. I actually had a pretty non-emotional Mothers Day. Okay, that's not entirely accurate. I was very emotional but it wasn't because of the holiday; it was because I was exhausted from the hectic week and yet I for some reason thought it would be a fabulous idea to host brunch at my house for both of our families on Saturday. True, it was a fabulous idea and everyone had a good time, but holy cow it's a lot of work to host a meal for 20 people, even a potluck (heck yes it was a potluck, I'm not completely nuts!). Then I really lucked out on Sunday - it was Hubs's grandma's birthday so dinner at his parents' house was much more of a b-day thing than an m-day thing. So aside from my tired moodiness it was actually a good weekend for the Von D's.

5. We hit Ta.rg.et this weekend too and ended up getting everything I needed to finish decorating the second bedroom (a.k.a. The Lounge). So I get to cross that off my list of goals :) It looks so great in there now, like a real room with a purpose rather than a catchall place to stash our crap. I got a new slipcover for the loveseat, some shelves, and a little storage ottoman. I wish I'd taken a "before" photo so I could show you the transformation, but I haven't taken an "after" photo either, so you'll just have to take my word for how cute it looks!

6. I also got some super cute tile decals from Ta.rg.et to use in the kitchen. The counter and backsplash tiles are bland, boring white so I'm excited to liven them up and create a little more visual interest in there.

7. I've been getting these funky pink patches of skin all over the place for the past several months, so I finally manned up and went to the dermatologist last week aaaand...found out I have psoriasis. Ugh. That would be a genetic gift from my father, thanks Dad! My poor ugly skin :( And it used to be so nice. Sigh... The doc says it looks manageable and gave me a bunch of samples of what is apparently a very, very, very expensive goop that my insurance doesn't cover, so at least there's that. Hopefully it'll get better when I quit my job or things mellow out and I'm not so stressed all the time.

8. I'm tired.

9. I'm a little hungover.

10. In light of #9 and #10, that's all I've got for today!

Grody stuff

2011-05-04T16:15:00.000-07:00

Brace yourselves, it's time to talk about our favorite aunt. TMI ahead!

Ever since my miscarriage I've been clotting more and more during my period. Has anyone else experienced this? It's starting to get a little worrisome. Today's day 3, which is generally a heavy day for me, but I've been feeling okay, not too crampy or anything. Then all of a sudden I started hurting way down low, you know how sometimes you can tell when your cervix hurts? Well I can, and it hurts like a mother. It kept getting worse and worse and finally I couldn't take sitting down anymore so I got up and hurried to the bathroom. Passed a clot the size of a silver dollar and felt much better.

So even though I'm not TTC anymore/right now/maybe ever again, I'm worried that this means something. What if I have a clotting disorder? What if my endo is back with reinforcements? What if whatever this is is what caused my m/c? Ugh. I hate IF. Even when I'm not trying to get knocked up my body knocks me down!

Spring Fever Challenge Week 5

2011-05-02T10:10:00.000-07:00

I'm starting pretty late on the Spring Fever Challenge through Life's Journey With a Smile, but better late than never, right? Now that we're about halfway through spring, it's a good time to reflect on the past several weeks and start looking forward to meeting some goals over the next several weeks! I've never been a huge fan of spring, I've always preferred the hot, sunny days of summer and the crispness of autumn. But this year I'm excited about the flowers blooming, the veggies sprouting, and the prospect of getting a lot of much-needed projects done around the house! So here I am :)

What have you done this past week to help you reach your SFC goals?
To be honest, I didn't do much!

Goal 1: Create a Chore Chart Well, I did hang a calendar in the hallway so that I could use it to create a chore chart, so I guess that's something. (And it's a really pretty calendar too. The theme of it is the Year of the Rabbit, for the Chinese zodiac. Every page has a beautiful watercolor painting of a rabbit making his way through part of his day, jumping over logs, rivers, etc.)

Goal 2: Cook a Real Dinner (including at least 1 veggie) 3 Times a Week Uh, yeah, this also didn't happen. But I did make a real dinner at least twice last week! And at least one time I made a bunch of veggies!

Goal 3: Buy Some Watercolors and Start Painting Nope. But again, my pretty calendar is sort of inspiring me to get on this!

Goal 4: Read Every Day Kinda! I'm almost done with "Committed," I read blogs every day, and I read an article about the Royal Wedding yesterday... I think I should change this one to, "Read from a book every day."

Goal 5: Work on My Book Every Day Uh, yeah, flat-out failed on this one. I think I worked on it once this week.

What did you do this past week to make you feel good about yourself?
To be honest, last week was a bit rough! I was pretty proud of myself for surprising Hubs with dinner on Friday night even though I was exhausted and we'd already decided it was a YOYO (Your On Your Own) dinner night. Also, I did call in sick on Thursday and Hubs and I enjoyed a fabulous day at home. We worked on the yards, ran errands, and hung out together.

It's May! What were your victories and challenges in April?
Since I didn't participate in SFC last month I don't have anything specific to my goals to add here. But April was a huge challenge at work! It was so incredibly busy with the conversion of our new acquisition, but I pushed through it and survived. That right there is a victory!

Do you have any plans for the challenge in May?
I may edit some of my goals so that I can include "improving my attitude" in there. Now that my calendar is up I have no excuse for turning it into a chore chart, so that should be easy enough! (The hard part will be sticking to it.) I bought a book called "Savvy Auntie" on Am.a.zon over the weekend, and as soon as I'm done with "Committed" I'm moving on to "The Happiness Project," so I think it will be pretty easy to stick to goal #4. And maybe if I put "work on my book" on every day of the calendar I'll get some more written!

And finally, my positive image for the week! Since I didn't take any good pictures last week, I'm stealing this from the interwebs. I know, I know, I've failed at everything SFC-related this week! Oy! Next week I promise to be better. Until then, here's my image, I'm hoping it does the trick to help me perk up today:

10 on Tuesday

2011-04-26T12:44:00.000-07:00

Ten on Tuesday is fun! You should play too! Go over to the Chronicles of Marla and sign up, okay? Okay.

1. I got to play Easter Bunny not once, not twice, but thrice on Sunday for my nieces and nephew. First at my in-laws' for my adorable little blondie nieces, and twice at my parents' house for my equally adorable brunette nieces and nephew. We had to have two at my parents' house because my 8 year old nephew found 9 out of the 12 eggs, and his 7 year old sister was in tears after finding only one of them. Luckily my 14 year old niece had the genius idea of assigning each of the three little kids one of the three colors of eggs (I think my mom's getting tired of dying Easter eggs, she's really starting to slack), and they could only hunt for the color they were assigned to. Worked like a charm! And even my little 2 year old niece studiously avoided picking up any pink or blue eggs, just the yellow ones. What a bunch of geniuses in my family!
2. Our veggie garden now has THREE sprouts!! I maintain that they are all three zucchini, but Hubs insists on arguing with me that one is a cucumber. Did I mention I'm the one who planted the seeds while he was nowhere to be found?

3. Last week I switched up my bowling technique a little bit because of a sore knee. For some reason I've always stepped off on my right foot, even though I'm right-handed. Well, it was my right knee that was hurting so I tried stepping off on my left foot instead (like a normal person would to begin with) and lo and behold I'm suddenly playing a lot more consistently! Who knew? *Update: I wrote this part yesterday, and last night I thoroughly SUCKED at bowling. So now I know I have no excuses, I'm just bad at it.

4. Hubs and I went to a wedding on Saturday and it was just beautiful. Plus, we got to sit with some awesome friends of ours that we don't spend nearly enough time with, and we all had a lot of fun. I managed to be a tad overdressed for a garden wedding, but whatever, I looked hawt! (The bride looked good too.)

5. I love Spring, but I hate this time of year because my house is absolutely COVERED in hair. Atticus is shedding like nobody's business and it's really disgusting. My brother and SIL have two cats (three up until a month or so ago) and their shedding situation doesn't hold a candle to Atticus's. I did not foresee this problem when I adopted him. I just thought he was soft and fluffy and would be a good cuddle-buddy. Well, he is very soft and fluffy, but he's not much for cuddling. I should have gotten a hairless cat.

6. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I'm not sure how many I have, I've never counted. But last week I overheard a conversation between two coworkers, one asked the other how many pairs of shoes she had, and she answered, "Around forty." The first coworker said, "That's it?" My eyes about popped out of my head! I probably have more shoes than I think, but forty seems like a LOT to me. Sheesh.

7. I get to have lunch with my friend Tracy today (she comments here pretty regularly, so you sort of know her)! We're going out for pizza in about 25 minutes. I LOVE working near my friends, it makes work a little more bearable. I work near Hubs too, and we go to lunch together ocasionally as well.

8. I had this great plan to call in sick on Thursday, seeing as it's Hubs's day off and last week was hellacious so I figured I earned it. But now one of my employees is actually sick (well, she appears to have a cold), so I feel kinda guilty. I mean, I'm still pretty sure I'm going to do it, but now I'm going to have to come up with a really good excuse.

9. I've been slacking on my book. I'm supposed to write something every day, but I haven't written anything in days. I just know I'm going to get about halfway through it and decide I can't stand it. I need to get over these ridiculous fears, don't I?

10. I may have mentioned that I'm reading "Committed" right now, by Elizabeth Gilbert. Well, I read a section of it last night that really spoke to me, and now I'm finding myself with some seriously life-altering things to think about. I'll definitely be sharing more with you when I start getting my thoughts sorted out! Should be soon...

Putting myself in check

2011-04-25T11:15:00.000-07:00

As per my usual Monday outlook, this morning I was feeling pretty blue. I read through a few blogs and felt even more blue. I realized I'm feeling a little out of place in the IF blogging community, since I'm not exactly working towards building my family at this time, and I'm not doing much to help the IF community either. Meanwhile my bloggy buddies continue to TTC and graduate into pregnancy and parenthood, Bust Myths for NIAW, and support one another with enthusiasm. I questioned my reasons for continuing to blog here, and wondered whether it was time to close up shop. Then I read Mel's awesome post about the IF divide, and I realized how self-centered I've been.

In my women's group we talk quite a bit about being generous rather than judgmental in our thoughts, approaching people with an attitude of compassion and kindness, and generally making an effort to think the best of others. But, my friends, I haven't been doing a very good job of that.

Those of you who are pregnant may have noticed I rarely comment on your blogs nowadays. I've even stopped following some bloggers because I couldn't handle the content of their posts. On FB, I regularly block friends for sharing (okay, yes sometimes oversharing) about their pregnancies, babies and children. Even my IF friends. True, I need to do what's best for my emotional and mental well-being, but I also don't want to be that person. The one who completely ditches the people who've supported me through my darkest hours just because I have days where I don't have the emotional fortitude to look at baby bump photos or read about fetal heart rates.

In her post, Mel explains that the women lucky enough to have made it across the chasm that divides the IFers still waiting for their miracle from those who've held their babies in their arms truly haven't forgotten the pain and longing that the rest of us still endure. In my bitterness I've built this imaginary wall between "us" (the childless) and "them" (the lucky moms). I built the wall because I didn't want to see their happiness for fear it would increase my own sadness, but I realize now that's completely backwards. Once upon a time I almost made it to the other side myself, and for a few weeks I had a taste of the feelings that grads experience. It was something like equal parts joy, guilt, gratitude, and a deep desire for everyone else still waiting in the wings to have their turn to feel that exhilaration. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take everyone else by the hand who were still waiting, and pull them across that chasm to the other side with me. The truth is, I'm the one who forgot what that felt like.

Who am I to believe I know how easy it is for those on the other side of the IF divide to forget their struggle to get there? And who am I to begrudge them of their joy over making it to the other side? Acting and thinking negatively only encourages more negativity in myself, and separating myself from others' happiness doesn't increase my own happiness, it decreases it. I'm not saying I should ignore my own needs and well-being and force myself to be happy when I'd really rather curl up under the covers and cry. I'm certainly entitled to my bad days. But if I want to be a happier, less judgmental person (and I do), I need to practice being understanding and compassionate in my actions, words and thoughts more often than I practice bitterness.

I suppose in a way I'm busting a myth that's personal to me for NIAW - the one that says I have to be a Bitter Infertile. I'm ready to make the effort to remove the word "bitter" from that title. I'm sorry I let my own hang-ups keep me from being as supportive to some of you as you've been to me.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

In celebration of the upcoming holiday, I give you one of my all-time favorite classic Easter images. Nothing quite captures the true meaning of Easter like Peeps engaging in unsavory (pun intended! Because Peeps are sweet, not savory, duh) behavior. Am I right or am I right?

Well anyway, I think it's funny.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a beautiful Easter!

10 on Tuesday

2011-04-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Join in the Ten on Tuesday fun by going over to the Chronicles of Marla and adding your blog to the list!

1. I started writing my book! So far I think it's terrible, but hey I just started, how great can I expect it to be? I finally decided to toss my insecurities aside and just buckle down and go for it, so that's what I did last night. And what I need to do every night until it's finished!

2. Hubs and I have been mulling over an idea to start our own business. We finally came to an agreement on what type of business we think we'd both enjoy running, now we have to figure out if it's something we can actually do. Our plan of attack is to talk to everyone we can think of that might have some good advice for us, then figure out the money situation. I really hope we can afford it!

3. We have sprouts! Our veggie garden is far from thriving, but two of our seeds sprouted (zucchini, yum!) and have the most adorable little leaves. (Yes, my crops are cute.) I don't think the others are going to make it, so we'll probably have to re-plant those soon. It's just as well, we haven't planted tomatoes yet at all, and that was my whole reason for wanting a vegetable garden.

4. The auditors are here at work, but they haven't started asking me questions yet. I suspect that will start today. In my big-boss's (my boss's boss) words they're "a couple of young pricks," meaning they're new to auditing and therefore go above and beyond to try to find problems with our work. Because of that and the fact that they're both men around my age I suggested that all the ladies in my department wear their skirts, cleavage tops and four inch heels all week, y'know, to distract them. Hey, might as well do whatever it takes, right?

5. The weather was absolutely glorious this past weekend, and in true Kit fashion I got overly excited about the sunshine and spent way too much time in it without sunscreen. Oops. Now my chest is lobster red in the shape of the sundress I was wearing on Sunday, and double oops, I'm going to a wedding this weekend. Rats! I hate it when I have nasty tan lines (or sunburn lines as the case may be).

6. In three short (read: long) weeks I have a four day weekend to look forward to! However, I'm thinking I might need a mental health day sometime before then. Maybe if I wish for it hard enough, it will just happen to coincide with Hubs's next day off. Wouldn't that be something? I'll let you know if it works out.

7. The reason Hubs and I are taking a four day weekend next month is to celebrate our fourth anniversary. We're not planning on going out of town or anything, but we are going out to a special dinner. You know Fabio from Top Chef? His restaurant is in our county and we've been meaning to go forever, so that's where we're headed. It's supposed to be yum-a-licious, I'm pretty excited to try it.

8. Speaking of (not) going out of town, we actually are going to be getting out of town sometime in the next year. My cancelled trip to Austin actually worked out to my advantage; not only did the bank reimburse me for Hubs's and my plane tickets, but since they were non-refundable we're getting vouchers from the airline too! We're still ~~arguing over~~ figuring out where it is we want to go, but we have a handful of options for flights that would be totally covered.

9. Taxes and termites are making me poor. Termites in particular are making a smorgasbord out of my window frames! But we got good news from the exterminator that we may not have to tent. He seems to think it's not too bad and that we can probably get away with the electrical treatment instead of the gas. I hope he's right. Packing up the cat, all our stuff, and taking the food out of the cabinets for a weekend sounds like a huge freakin' pain in the arse. (Can you tell I'm running out of things to talk about?)

10. Okay I'm officially spent. Today is draaaaaagging and I want nothing more than this whole week to fly by. But of course, that's the exact reason it's dragging! Hurry up, clock!

Not just about work

2011-04-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

My department is getting audited next week and this morning I was reminded that it's my ass on the line if it doesn't go well. I've been super stressed about this audit because it's a follow up to the last one - which we actually passed, just one section of it was really bad. (That didn't stop them from firing one of my employees over it though.) The past several months we've been doing clean up and now it's time to see if all that work has paid off. If not, my job could be at stake. So that's why I woke up with a lead ball in the pit of my stomach this morning.

But logically I shouldn't be worried. Isn't my goal to get out of this job at any cost? I should be praying we bomb this audit just so I can finally be free! I want to turn off the voice in my head telling me that people are going to think less of me if I "fail." The truth is, I've done everything I can. I've worked my ass off for a company that I don't respect and that has no respect for its employees, and if that's not enough then I'm done. So fire me. I'm BEGGING for it.

In other news, I got to fly with my dad in his plane on Monday. I had to go out to the desert to help our new department on their first day of processing with our systems, and rather than drive the three hours to get there I decided to ask my dad if he'd fly me out. He was really excited to take me, considering it was the first time I'd flown with him, and we had a great time. The work day sucked of course, but that won't be what I remember about that day. Instead I'll remember navigating the way home by landmarks 5,000 feet below us, seeing how gorgeous Southern California looks from up high, especially my neck of the woods, and spending some quality time alone with my dad. We don't do that nearly enough.

My women's group is going really well too. We had a little celebration last Friday to commemorate the end of the first quarter of 2011 and the beginngin of the second, and we had four new women join us! I'm pretty proud of how quickly we're gaining interest. The group is really helping me keep things in perspective and sort through the damage that infertility (and to be fair, other factors too) wreaked on my self-confidence over the past few years. It reminds me to keep looking forward and be grateful for what I have. It sounds cheesey, but if you're struggling I strongly recommend getting together regularly with your girlfriends to talk and encourage each other. For me it helps me feel sane knowing I'm not the only one who feels a certain way, and I hear so many insightful things that I never would have thought of on my own. I posted a link to our group's blog over on the left if you're interested in knowing more about us.

Okay back to work I go, gotta trudge through the end of this wretched week. I'm super excited to have two whole days off this weekend (at least, I haven't heard that I have to work on Saturday so I'm assuming I don't) and I fully intend to be as lazy as possible on Saturday. AF will have left town by then and it is sooo going to be ON with the Hubs this weekend! Rowr.

My 2nd email to PETA

2011-04-08T15:10:00.000-07:00

In response to their lame response to my original email, this is what I wrote today:

Thank you for your response, apology, and for removing that verbiage.

However, an organization with class and tact would remove the link and reference to NIAW entirely, as the infertile community is requesting.

I'm not sure who exactly who you're referring to when you say no one should condemn those who choose to avoid pregnancy, because no one I know has said anything to that effect at all. Certainly not me. If you read my email you'd see I in fact said the exact opposite.

PETA is being condemned by the infertile community not for encouraging and assisting with controlling the human population, but for suggesting that infertility is a positive means to that end. You are perpetuating the rampant and misguided belief that somehow those who CAN'T reproduce are, at worst, responsible for the problem of overpopulation, and at best, the ones responsible for fixing it. How backward is that? Furthermore, your generalization about Infertiles spending thousands of dollars to reproduce themselves is just that - a generalization. Infertility does not discriminate, and believe it or not, even those who can't afford fertility treatments (or adoption, for that matter) can be and are afflicted by this disease. Myself included. So please do not condemn those who "feel compelled to reproduce themselves" as if we're all a bunch of irresponsible, baby-hungry people who would stop at nothing to see little versions of ourselves dominating the planet. I GUARANTEE that on average, Infertiles have put a great deal more thought into the prospect of parenthood than the vast majority of people who have no trouble conceiving.

The infertile community works hard to put an end to this kind of ignorance through events like National Infertility Awareness Week. So again, I urge you to show some respect for your fellow man and comply with our request - and the request of Resolve, the organization responsible for instituting NIAW - and remove the link and reference to NIAW from your campaign web page.

I wasn't about to waste my time addressing all the ridiculous things they said in what was obviously a form letter. I think the best way to go about this is to firmly and politely stick to the point - we want the link and reference to NIAW removed from their website. (Even Resolve has issued a press release requesting the same.) Whatever else they say doesn't concern me. I have never and will never support PETA, and I'll go on living my life in the way that I consider best regardless of whatever claptrap they try to sell me about their "mission" (which IMHO is a load of BS).

Anyway, I saw I'd gotten some comments on my last update so I wanted to post this for y'all. I think this will be my last post for today ;)

Sign the Petition!

Email PETA's President!

Oh yeah, and AF showed up, so there's one thing off my list of things to stress about.

Nerves of mush

2011-04-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

I hate waking up feeling stressed, and this morning I felt stressed times three.

1. Work stress. I almost always wake up with butterflies because I dread the workday and today was no exception. It's the last day before conversion - this weekend we'll be switching the information and processing of one of our newly-acquired institutions over to our bank's systems. I have a ton to do today, and my department and I will be back at work most of the day tomorrow to finish the conversion. Next week should be exceptionally crazy, but I'm trying hard to just take this whole thing one day at a time.

2. My women's group. We're holding an event tonight to celebrate the end of the first quarter of the year and the beginning of the second. The idea is to look back and celebrate how much we've each accomplished in our lives since the beginning of the year, and to look ahead at what we hope to accomplish over the next three months. I'm just nervous because as co-founders, A and I are going to be facilitating the first part of the evening (the second part is just socializing), and that kind of thing always makes me nervous! I know it will be fine, and fun, once it gets underway, but until then - did I mention? I'm nervous!!

3. Aunt Flo. Ugh. I'm not sure what CD I'm on because I forgot to mark last month's visit on my calendar. And I'm making myself crazy wondering when I'm going to start. I don't have any pregnancy symptoms, but that's not stopping my mind from sticking more firmly on that thought every day that goes by with nary a spot. And then last night I was crampy, and I swore it felt like the stretchy, tight cramps I felt right before my positive test last summer. Ugh. I'll probably start today, but on the extremely remote chance I don't, I'm not testing until Sunday because ain't no way in hell I'm testing tomorrow morning before coming in to work.

Whew. Okay I have to buckle down and get some work done. I've got a long couple of days ahead of me!

More about PETA

2011-04-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

On the PETA front, I sent the following letter to Ingrid Newkirk, their president, on Wednesday:

I was disgusted to see PETA's latest campaign - Spay or Neuter your Pet and Win a Free Vasectomy - not because I'm against controlling the pet population (on the contrary, every pet I've ever owned has been fixed) or even because I'm against controlling the human population. A man wants a vasectomy? More power to him. A free one? All the better!

No, I'm disgusted because of your attempt to pass this campaign off as an HONOR to National Infertility Awareness Week. I searched your website (and racked my brain) for some logical link between vasectomies and infertility, but alas, I found none. Consequently, I came to my own conclusion - that PETA has no intention of honoring NIAW at all, but instead intends to ridicule it.

I won't attempt to educate you about the purpose NIAW, or how painful infertility is to those who experience it, or how utterly insulting this campaign is to anyone who's struggled for years to conceive a child. I will only say that from my perspective, and that of most reasonable people, PETA's mission is nothing more than to gain attention and notoriety.

Please remove the link and reference to National Infertility Awareness Week from your campaign page, and if you must insult a cause, find another cause to insult.

In response, I received this email yesterday:

Thank you for contacting PETA about your objections to our contest offering a free vasectomy. We are sorry to have offended you, and we have removed the phrase “in honor of” National Infertility Awareness Week from our website. We understand that this was not a wise choice of words.

Our goal was to focus attention on the tragic suffering and death of homeless dogs and cats. Since the best way to prevent animal companions from having unwanted litters is to spay and neuter them, a kind PETA member offered to cover the cost of a vasectomy for one compassionate man who wants to get himself “snipped” just like his furry friend. Having one’s own child may be a compelling urge for some, but nobody should condemn those who choose to avoid causing pregnancy or any organization that provides them with a means to do so. Many who choose to have a vasectomy consider it a moral conundrum for some of us to be spending thousands of dollars trying to reproduce ourselves when there are homeless children, including some with disabilities, who want for homes, and when the environment is being ravaged as human population increases.

PETA works very hard to prevent the births of puppies and kittens who will end up abandoned in animal shelters or struggling to survive on the streets. Breeding, both purposeful and accidental, is responsible for the euthanasia of millions of these loving companions each year. Sterilization is both the easiest and the most effective means available of ensuring animals’ happiness and safety. Male animals who have been neutered are far less likely to roam far from home or fight. Neutering greatly diminishes and possibly eliminates reproductive urges (which are not the same in dogs as they are in humans). In addition, these animals will never get testicular cancer and run less risk of contracting prostate disease. Female animals who have been spayed avoid the trauma of giving birth and will no longer go into heat.

Consider the fate of the millions of unwanted animals whose parents were never spayed and neutered. Born into a hostile world, they are caged among strangers at animal shelters or, worse, abandoned on the sides of roads. They are run over by cars and attacked by other animals. They are infected with painful, contagious, and deadly diseases. Those unlucky enough to run into cruel humans are often drowned, beaten with baseball bats, suffocated in plastic bags, stabbed, shot, starved, set on fire, used as bait, and tortured in countless other ways. And the saddest tragedy of all is that before they meet some gruesome death, they reproduce, and the cycle of animal suffering continues.

A national organization, SPAY/USA, helps guardians of animal companions who need assistance with the cost of spaying and neutering. You can contact SPAY/USA at the following website and toll-free number:

Well I must have misconstrued their email yesterday (and I didn't bother to revisit their website to see exactly what was changed) because I thought they meant the removed the reference to NIAW. Nope, this morning I see that the only thing that has been changed is they removed "in honor of" and replaced it with "during." Sigh... *Facepalm*

If you haven't been keeping up with Keiko at http://www.hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/, you can follow along there as this fiasco unfolds.

It seems to be common knowledge that PETA is out for exactly one "cause" and one cause only: themselves. My vegan friends do not support them due to their unethical practices, and I was turned off by them years ago when I saw a particularly tasteless video on their website. In the past they've made a mockery of the Holocaust, so why wouldn't they consider infertility to be fair game? But the infertile community is a vociferous one, and it's encouraging that PETA has done anything in response to our objections. So let's keep it up!

If you haven't signed the petition yet I encourage you to do so.

And if you haven't emailed your thoughts to Ingrid Newkirk, please do: ingridn@peta.org

I have many, many thoughts and objections to their email back to me, and I will most likely respond, as fruitless as that may prove to be. One friend suggested to me that we just ignore them because we're giving them the press that they're after, and they'll never change. That may be, but I guarantee they'll never change if we ignore them. They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease and if we want change, it's our responsibility to demand it.

Emotional blabbering

2011-04-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little emotional today, thanks to the impending arrival of my least favorite aunt.

Last night my family all got together for my mom's birthday and it was a really nice time. Towards the end of the evening my sister, who is 41 and has 4 children and who I strongly suspect laments the fact that she won't be having any more, starts getting starry-eyed looking at my brother's 6 month old daughter. Then, as she sometimes does, she began waxing nostalgic about her pregnancies and deliveries and how much weight she gained (a lot). Sigh. I'm not proud to tell you that at that point I turned to Hubs, smiled and said so everyone could hear, "I didn't gain any weight during my pregnancy." Blessedly, my mom and dad laughed and no one seemed offended, but really? Did I need to say that? Sure my sister didn't say a single word to me about my miscarriage when it happened or ever after, but that was months ago and I've let it go (uhhh, mostly). The point is, this is my family and I very much feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of being a happy family because I can't have kids, and no one understands that feeling but me and Hubs.

I know, I know: every family has their issues, and probably a good 50% of society feels like the black sheep of the family. In fact, I'm 99.9% sure that my three siblings all feel like the black sheep of our family too. So what the hell am I bitching about?

I guess I'm just trying to muddle through this reality of mine. A few months ago I wondered when I would accept the fact that I probably won't ever get pregnant and have a baby the old-fashioned way, if at all. Now I'm almost there. Or maybe I am there, but it still hurts. (And it hurts extra when my hormones are a-raging somewhere around day 28 of my cycle.)

Back in August, in the midst of the shit-storm aftermath of my miscarriage, I had an opportunity to sit down and talk with the mother of my oldest friend in the world - we've literally known each other since we were babies. My friend had told her mom about my miscarriage, so while I was at her home having her alter one of my bridesmaid dresses, she asked if I had a minute to talk. As a new bride, 30-something years ago, she'd also discovered she was infertile. In fact, she had endometriosis so bad that she had to have a hysterectomy at age 25, having never been pregnant. Eight years after marrying, she and her husband adopted my friend and enjoyed a very happy life. Then about five years ago her husband got sick. It took several months to discover he had ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and a couple years later this once healthy, vibrant man passed away. After talking about all this, my friend's mom asked me very evenly, "Did you ever think life was going to turn out like this?"

Nope, I never for a single minute expected my life to turn out the way it has, in almost every way. I suspect that's the case for many, many people. But I'm learning to accept the disappointments and be extra grateful for the lucky surprises. Sometimes I guess I just need to remind myself of that.

Infertiles - Spread the word

2011-04-06T13:30:00.000-07:00

PETA has announced a new campaign "in honor" of National Infertility Awareness Week - spay or neuter your pet and you could win a free vasectomy! In true PETA style, they've completely missed the point of NIAW and instead raised the ire of many a struggling Infertile such as myself. How incredibly tasteless, insulting, and insensitive of them (but from what I've heard of PETA that's par for the course).

Luckily there's something we can do! Go here to sign the petition like I did, demanding PETA issue an apology and remove the link to NIAW from their campaign. Last I saw we still need 700+ signatures. So get busy! And tell your friends!

Want that link again? Okay here it is! Now go, it takes less than a minute.

Oh yeah, and if you want to tell PETA what you think, email Ingrid Newkirk, their president at: ingridn@peta.org.

Thank you to The Barrenness for bringing this to my attention, and a huge thanks to Keiko Zoll for starting the petition.

Backyard bliss

2011-04-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Oh Monday, how I loathe thee. I especially loathe thee when you're ringing in another six day workweek like you are today. And particularly when that week is leading up to conversion weekend for one of our new acquisitions. I have a feeling the crazy around here is going to hit critical mass very soon.

Until then, I'm taking advantage of the relative quiet to tell you about my backyard projects. You lucky ducks, you.

I'm proud to annouce that Hubs and I are officially farmers now! Check out our fields - expanding all the way out to the distant horizon:

Okay so it's only a 4'x8' veggie garden, but if you look at it head-on while lying on the ground it goes on as far as the eye can see!

We followed these instructions by Sunset magazine except for the part where they suggest buying individual bags of soil; instead we went to our local garden shop and got a truckbed full of bulk soil for much cheaper. You can barely see them in this photo, but there are four holes to attach two arched PVC pipes over the width of the bed, which we then drape with a net to keep the birds and cats out. We also went a step further and added screws that stick out about 1/4" all around the base to secure the netting.

With any luck we'll be harvesting our crops in about 2-3 months! I've been daydreaming about hosting a backyard dinner party featuring veggies from our garden, so hopefully at least some of them will take. We planted butter lettuce, zucchini, cucumbers, green onions, and carrots, and next weekend we're adding a tomato plant. Should make for a really delicious salad!

For my next trick I'm going to try to get Hubs started on building a pergola to put over/near our fire pit. Aside from farming and throwing a dinner party, my other backyard dream is to have a sort of outdoor living room complete with pretty furniture and drapes for some privacy. Ahh... well, a gal can dream, right? The furniture will probably have to wait since it can be pretty pricey, but building the bones shouldn't be too expensive and we're loving Sunset's straightforward instructions on all these projects we've been wanting to do.

Most of our weekend was spent outside, and in addition to completing the veggie garden I also cleared a boatload of grass from one of my planters. Super exciting and I discovered what happens after I spend an entire afternoon kneeling on the ground digging in the dirt. Answer: I spend the entire evening sitting in the recliner unable to move. The planter looks about a thousand times better though so I guess in the end it was worth the pain.

All these backyard projects are making me really excited about warmer weather. I'm in a little bit of denial that it's still only early April; I keep thinking that by now it should be consistently warmer out than it is! I'm ready for summer NOW; why can't it just cooperate and show up already?

To my limit

2011-03-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

I think I'm skipping 10 on Tuesday today. I'm just not feeling it.

I had a great weekend with the exception of having to work on Saturday. My home life has been pretty fantastic lately. I think after almost 4 years of marriage Hubs and I are finally starting to understand each other and express ourselves better. We're fighting less, we are more patient with each other, and we're more giving of ourselves. I like this.

If only my work life was so wonderful. I've been going nonstop for about 4 months straight now, and although the sudden tearful outbursts in my cubicle have subsided, I know I'm still stretched too thin. What really sucks is between all the extracurricular activities I have going on and generally not wanting to sit in front of a computer after I get home, I haven't been looking for a new job. I still get a couple of emails a day with job alerts, but I haven't applied for anything in weeks. There's really not much out there anyway, which makes it even more frustrating - knowing the one thing I could do to help myself right now probably won't help.

I guess I'm back to feeling STUCK. I don't know what to do. I think about a career change and taking a certification program of some kind, but what? And how do I afford that? And where do I find time to do that in addition to everything else? I don't have any answers.

Then there's the safety net option of trying to take a stress leave. Though I know that would be the nail in the coffin for me at work. Not that I want to stay here, but it means I'd have to find a new job while I was on leave because no one would respect me at work after I came back. They might even find a way to fire me. These thoughts freak me out at first glance, but when I imagine them actually happening the truth is I don't really care. It would almost be a relief. As long as I don't quit or get fired for cause I could take unemployment and Hubs and I would find a way to make it work.

My thoughts on the matter change daily based on my mood and state of mind, and today I'm leaning towards stress leave. It wouldn't hurt to just ask my doctor her thoughts, right? I think I'm going to call and make an appointment today. At least that would be something that could potentially help me out of this mess.

Drumroll, please...

2011-03-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm here to satisfy your anxious anticipation for the results of last week's poll:

"Do you think recent natural disasters may be a sign of the impending apocalypse?"

Yes, I realize you can see the results for yourself any time you feel like clicking on the "view results" link, but you can't get my priceless commentary and in-depth analysis on the subject unless you keep reading. So keep reading!

First off, there were a total of 30 votes. To answer your question, no, I didn't vote. Why? Because if you'll recall, I couldn't decide what I thought and I wanted your input in order to make an educated decision... about my own opinion... Anyway, yeah, so 30 votes. That seems like a lot considering I only average about 5 comments per post. Who are you mystery people voting but not commenting? (I kid, I kid. Read, comment, vote, do what you will. I'm just glad you stopped by!)

The results:
3 People (or 10% of voters) answered YES.
20 People (or 66% of voters, also known as an overwhelming majority) answered NO.
6 People (or 20% of voters) are as indecisive as I am and answered MAYBE.
1 Lonely person (3%) asked if I would REPEAT THE QUESTION.

Here's a pie chart for you visual learners (sorry for the fuzziness, I'm working in MS Paint here):

Let's break it down now, shall we?

To the YESes: I applaud you for your conviction, though I hope you're wrong. Which I guess makes me one of those hellbound folks, because if I felt sure of my heaven-bounded-ness I suppose I wouldn't fear the apocalypse.

To the NOs: I tend to side with you on this one and not just because you're the majority. I'm also siding with you because I'm afraid the YESes might be right, but I don't want to admit it.

To the MAYBEs: What kind of answer is that?? Do you secretly agree that recent natural disasters could be a sign of the apocalypse, but are too afraid to say so? I'm guessing that's what it is. And I don't blame you one bit. If that's the case, my pie chart should look more like this:

Unfortunately for the YESes, the NOs are still in the lead by a long shot.

And to whoever voted I repeat the question - bless you. If I had a prize to hand out, you'd get it. I always think I'm hilarious but it's nice to know someone else appreciates my humor too. Unless you really wanted me to repeat the question, in which case, please see the hot pink bit up above. Too bad voting's closed now so yours won't be counted.

So my OFFICIAL opinion on whether or not these natural disasters should cause me to fear the apocalypse...

I'm going to go with option D: "Can you repeat the question?"

A cop out? Maybe. Sure. Probably. But if the apocalypse is coming, it's coming regardless of whether or not I think it is. So I might as well spread a little humor around while I can. And if I can't spread it around, well at least I made myself smile!

Oh, and since I'm sure you want the OFFICIAL official pie chart, here you go:

10 on Tuesday

2011-03-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

1. On my day off last Friday I took a friend up on his offer to show me around his start-up company. We've been talking about the potential for me to work there when they start opening up positions for several departments in the coming months. The company is only 8 months old and still unstable, but at least they're making money; that's huge in this economy. So if all goes to plan, I may very well be out of the bank in just a couple of months!

2. I went with a metallic blue instead of the usual reds and purples for my pedi on Friday and I'm loving it! It's so refreshing. Nail polish is a cheap thrill for me. Whenever I need a pick-me-up I head over to the drug store and buy a new color. And now I know what my next nail polish purchase will be!

3. Hubs and I went out with some friends on Friday night and discovered that we're old and boring. Sigh... I guess we've been cooped up in the house for too long because we've both lost the gift of gab around our friends. Overall we had a good time and stayed out way past our bedtime, so at least we know we're not total geriatrics yet.

4. Our raised veggie garden is sooo close to being done! We couldn't finish it this weekend because of the rain, but we have the space for it all cleared out and the holes for the posts dug. Now all we need to do is pick up a truckload of soil and get planting. We should be able to finish it this weekend.

5. Saturday night I went to a yoga and meditation class with my friend A (of Consider Bliss fame). It was definitely outside of both our comfort zones, but it ended up being a really positive experience. Let me see if I can freak you out a little with the details: We started off with Kundalini yoga, which is apparently different from "regular" yoga in that it's much faster and there's more sweating involved. There was some chanting and singing, and the meditation portion centered around an "Earth Gong bath". The gong was really cool actually, it went on throughout the meditation and the sound seemed to fill every inch of the room. I don't know if it cleansed me like it was supposed to, but I liked it. I'd do it again sometime for sure. Only I'd bring my own blanket next time because the "house" blankets smelled like feet.

6. After the class, A gave me a copy of the Spring 2011 issue of Bitch magazine. I'd never read it before, but there was a short article about IF blogs (immediately preceded by a longer article about mommy blogs, but that's neither here nor there) that I found somewhat interesting. Check it out if you come across it.

7. I need to gush for just a minute about what an awesome time Hubs and I had together on our rainy Sunday. I mean it was pouring and windy and just awful outside, so we were stuck indoors for most of the day. To entertain ourselves we dragged a bunch of blankets out to the living room, made some popcorn, opened a bottle (or two) of wine, and hung out on the floor watching movies and talking (and... other stuff) for hours. I guess there's really not much to tell, but it was such a good time. Totally a Top Ten kinda day.

8. Actually, the whole weekend just pretty much rocked. If only every weekend was like that! Only problem was dragging myself out of bed and to ~~the seventh circle of hell~~ work on Monday morning.

9. I'm excited about my group's next meeting, which is this Thursday, because the topic is Goals. I have so many goals for myself right now, but the main one - finding a new job - is really frustrating me. Not only because of the job search itself, but because I have no idea what I want to do. I think about going back to school, getting some kind of certificate (like today I found out a dental hygienist makes as much in three days per week as I do slaving away full time at the bank!), but I don't want to commit to a program that I'm not 100% sure I'll be interested in. So what do I do? I'm hoping I'll get some inspiration on Thursday night.

10. Oh - I got out of the baby shower this weekend easily enough - I have to work! Seriously, I was hoping I'd have a better excuse than that. Or at least a funner excuse. ;) Oh well, it could be worse; I could be working and going to a baby shower!

St. Paddy's Day Two-fer

2011-03-17T09:51:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day, friends!

I'm channeling my inner Irish today, which isn't easy to do because it's buried somewhere under a bunch of Greek, German, English, Danish, Welsh, Dutch, Swiss, Scottish, and French. Yep, I'm a true American mutt! But the Irish usually manages to fight its way out from under the dogpile - at least in time to drink, which I definitely plan on doing tonight. Not only because it's St. Paddy's Day, but also because it's my big brother's birthday and the family's getting together to celebrate! And if you'll recall, I'm off work tomorrow and have nothing to do until my 1:00 pedicure. That should be plenty of time to sleep off a few beers. ;)

Cheers to all my friends and family, and a special shout out to my bro!

Lucky stars above you,

Sunshine on your way,

Many friends to love you,

Joy in work and play.

Laughter to outweigh each care,

In your heart a song,

And gladness waiting everywhere

All your whole life long!

It's the end of the world...?

2011-03-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

Generally speaking, I have a healthy sense of skepticism. I don't take email forwards to heart when they tell me my lipstick will give me cancer or that there's some sort of cosmic, mystical connection between Abe Lincoln and JFK. I've never believed in Nostradamus's predictions and never gave a second thought to the Mayan calendar ending in 2012.

But what the hell is going on with all these natural disasters lately? The tsunami in Southern Asia, Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Haiti, and now Japan... Hubs told me he read the other day that the Earth's rotation is slowing down by like 1.3 microseconds every 24 hours thanks to that earthquake. (Granted I don't have a very good grasp of what that means but it doesn't sound good to me.) All I'm saying is it seems like there have been a lot of particularly disastrous disasters in recent years. I'm starting to think maybe the Mayans were right after all.

Or maybe the world has always had these kinds of massive disasters and I just never paid attention before to how frequently they occur.

I'm hoping it's the latter, but I have to admit I'm starting to get nervous.

What do you think? I'm posting a poll just for kicks (directly to the left). Vote early, vote often!

10 on Tuesday

2011-03-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

1. Atticus is driving me insane. He's always been very food-motivated (to put it mildly) but lately he's taking it to a whole new level. He wakes us up before the alarm goes off every. single. morning. with nonstop whining and jumping up on the bed to meow in our faces. Then God forbid I have to go to the bathroom before I feed him, he'll follow me in there and keep whining at me until I'm done. And there's no point in kicking him out because then he scratches incessantly at the door to be let back in. And it's not just the morning feedings, it's every feeding. Thirty minutes to an hour before mealtime he sits by the kitchen and meows loudly, gets in our faces, and scratches at the back door (wanting to be let outside so he can eat the grass and then barf it up on my kitchen table, naturally). It's getting to be ridiculous. I am seriously reconsidering my interest in getting another cat.

2. Hubs, on the other hand, has not lost his interest in getting a dog. He told me yesterday he was looking up Shiba Inu puppies online again. I'm ready for something to irritate the cat as much as he's been irritating me, so I guess at this point I'm all for it!

3. I finished planting my marigolds and pansies last night. They look lovely in my new pots on the steps by the back door, if I do say so myself! (And I do.) Next I'll be planting some pink and red cyclamens.

4. I was feeling very sensitive last night when I read a post on FB from a seven months pregnant friend that said, "It's going to be a long two months." (Queue the peanut gallery of recently-pregnant women airing their late pregnancy woes. Cry me a frickin' river.) I almost commented, "It's been an even longer three years, but I'm glad to hear everything is going smoothly." Instead I think I'll just hide her.

5. I got an invitation to #4's baby shower in the mail last week. I'm trying to come up with a response that's more polite than, "Oh, HELL no."

6. Work is crazy, crazy, crazy. I'm mostly holding it together, but it's still just stressful enough to keep me motivated to look for a new job. Well, in theory anyway. It's been a couple of weeks since I sent out any resumes. I need to get back on that.

7. Spring starts this weekend! And I see it's supposed to rain here starting Saturday and going through most of next week. Greeeaaat. Way to ring in the season, Mother Nature!

8. Speaking of spring, I have big plans for spring cleaning this year. So many plans, actually, that I'm not sure where to begin. I've never done a real spring cleaning before. Have/do any of you?

9. Hubs is pretty happy that I'm becoming more "domesticated" these days. (I love it, it's like I'm a housetrained animal now.) First with the gardening and now with the spring cleaning... Next thing you know I'll be baking from scratch and knitting little Atticus outfits while I memorize the Joy of Cooking.

10. Wow, I think I'm totally out of things to say! Happy Tuesday, at least it's not Monday :)

The weekend and stuff

2011-03-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Don't you love it when you're sitting at work on a Monday, all miserable because it's freaking Monday and there are all kinds of issues popping up and it seems like nothing is going right, when you suddenly remember you're off on Friday and your mood is instantly improved? I do!! I'm so glad I decided not to wait until Hubs could take time off with me to request a much-needed vacation day. Knowing the week is going to be one day shorter than usual just brightens me right up. I think I'll get up just a little later than my normal time on Friday so I can spend the morning with Hubs before he goes to work, then I'm going to get a pedicure and maybe see a movie with my friend K. Ahh... Yes, I feel much better now!

Of course, don't ask me how I feel about this week when I'm working (unpaid) overtime on Tuesday and Thursday.

Anywho. I had a very nice weekend. I slept in way too late on Saturday, which was absolute bliss, and then proceeded to do very little throughout the day. I think I did something productive, but I can't remember what it could have been... Oh yeah - I made brownies. Really, I think that's about it. After Hubs got home from work we went out to dinner, but it was an early night since we had big plans for Sunday and wanted to be up at a decent hour. We got a late start anyway, but we managed to get almost everything done that we wanted to. After a trip to the nursery (the kind with the plants, not the kind with the babies) and the hardware store we spent the afternoon in the backyard where I potted some plants while Hubs built a gorgeous raised garden bed. We should have it totally "installed" and ready for planting this coming weekend. I can't wait to start planting my own veggies!

I also did a lot of thinking over the weekend. I really want to write a book (a novel), and I came up with what I think is a great idea for a story. It'll draw from my IF experiences, but with a twist, and will hopefully come off as fun, funny and a little sentimental. Ya know, your typical chick-lit. I've been mulling it over and bouncing ideas off Hubs, and now it's time to get an outline going. Who knows, I may actually reach my goal of publishing a book one day!

Okay, back to the grind for me! What am I doing blogging? I have a boatload of work to do! Hope you're having a great Monday. :)

A-Z of me

2011-03-11T11:45:00.000-08:00

I'm playing along and you should too. Hope everyone's Friday is going swimmingly.

A. Age: 30

B. Bed size: California King (and upgrading was one of the best decisions we've ever made!)

C. Chore you dislike: All of them. But cleaning the kitchen in particular. Oh and vacuuming the cat hair off of the couch.

D. Dogs: What about them? I have a cat, but I've had lots of dogs too. And Hubs wants one. That's the end of that story so far.

E. Essential start to your day: Shower

F. Favorite color: Teal

G. Gold or silver: White gold

H. Height: Aaaaaalmost 5'8". I never got that last 1/4 inch.

I. Instruments you play(ed): I used to play the piano and sing. I'm getting pretty terrible at both now that I never practice.

J. Job title: It's ridiculously long: AVP Wire Operations Manager and Cash Management Support Supervisor. But don't I sound important?

K. Kids: Hopefully

L. Live: Sunny Southern California

M. Mom’s name: Sheila

N. Nicknames: My name is a nickname, but I also get Kitten and Kit pretty regularly. There used to be many more as you can imagine, but I guess I've hit the age where people don't use them so much anymore.

O. Overnight hospital stays: None.

P. Pet peeves: People who use their windshield washers on the freeway.

Q. Quote from a movie: "Mmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!"

R. Righty or lefty: Righty

S. Siblings: Three - two brothers and one sister (I'm #3).

T. Time you wake up: 5:45 or whenever Atticus decides he's waited long enough for me to get up and feed him.

U. Underwear: I wear it regularly and I go for comfort.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Hmm, there aren't many... Squash I guess.

W. What makes you run late: Just generally lagging while I'm getting ready. (And P.S. this is a total cop-out question, using the word "What" for W! How about "W: Where's the imagination?")

X. X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, neck/spine, and head. (Believe it or not, there's a real live human brain in there!)

Y. Yummy food you make: Veggie fajitas, artichoke dip, French toast... everything I make is yummy! Well, except when I burn it. :)

Z. Zoo animal favorites: Giraffes, monkeys, and big cats.

What might have been

2011-03-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

I've been dreading today for months, and now that it's here I'm... actually okay. I called in sick and although Hubs couldn't do the same we had a few lovely hours together before he left for work. There have been some tears and I expect there will be more. I'm just going to allow myself to feel what I feel, and not force myself to feel one way or another.

To my Peanut on what might have been your birthday: You would have loved today. The sun is shining and there's not a cloud in the sky. It's warm and beautiful out and it would have been the perfect day to meet you face to face. I will always love you and miss you.

10 on Tuesday

2011-03-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

1. Happy Fat Tuesday! Lent starts tomorrow and even though I haven't been to church since...umm...I can't remember, I was thinking about partaking in the season. Instead of giving something up, though, I am going to try to meditate every day. I'm feeling a little low on spirituality lately.

2. As promised, here's the logo I slaved over on Saturday for my women's group. Feel free to gush over how glorious it is:

(Obviously the copyright notice won't be there when it's in use.) I'm pretty proud of her! And A has already turned it into transfers which she ironed on to some shirts for us. We're all official now!

3. Speaking of the women's group, after work today I'm joining up with them for the event I mentioned last Tuesday. We're going to be in a very public place which makes me a little nervous, but it will be a good thing so I'm sucking it up! I'll share pics with you soon.

4. I thought I had a dentist appointment this morning so I set my alarm to go off 45 minutes later than usual and dozed away... Then while I was getting ready I thought, "Hmm... I should probably check the time on the reminder card, just in case." Well I did have the time right, but I was off by two weeks on the date! Crap! Oh well, so I was 45 minutes late to work and told my boss they had to reschedule at the last minute so I didn't look like a complete idiot.

5. I've been bowling for crap lately! I started off this season really strong (well, strong for me), which, if you've ever been in a bowling league you will know is a bad idea. My average was high, my handicap was low, but since I haven't been able to maintain those good scores Team Aardvark isn't doing so hot. Okay, it's not entirely my fault, Hubs and my brother haven't quite been pulling their weight either. But we're halfway through our second season and I thought I'd be better by now! I keep telling myself it's just for fun, but let's face it, I'm a poor sport.

6. A little over a month ago Atticus did something he's only done one time before: He peed outside of the litter box. Where, you ask? On my BED! So I had to take our down comforter to the cleaners, and you will never guess what happened next. They lost it! Not only that, but they refused to admit they lost it, even though they've supposedly been looking for it for the past 4 weeks. I'm pretty sure they gave it to someone else - how else does a king size comforter disappear? The owner finally agreed to replace it for us (although he tried to get us to split the cost with him since it was "used." Please. What would my other option be, scour garage sales for a replacement?? I think not.) so Hubs is heading over there today to pick up our money. I'm NOT happy with this service, especially considering we spend a pretty penny bringing them all of our work clothes every month for the past 3 years.

7. I need a haircut. I'm getting really bored with my style, plus it's too long for my taste. I just feel BLAH.

8. AF is due any day now and I find myself wishing she wouldn't show up - not because I want to be pregnant so much, but because I just really don't want to deal with it right now.

9. I'm hungry and have no idea what to have for lunch. Fascinating, right? Hey, I'm running out of ideas for things to talk about here, don't judge! ;)

10. Last night while we were bowling, for some reason I decided to look up our team's Chinese Astrological signs. I found out my brother is a Fire Snake, I'm a Metal Monkey, and poor Hubs is an Earth Goat. Not nearly as hardcore as bro and me.

Sorry for the cop-outs toward the end there! I hope you're having a fabulous Tuesday! And if you're not, well, at least the day is almost done. :)

The weekend wrap-up

2011-03-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Why are Monday mornings so rough? I think it's because of the anticipation of an entire new workweek. Five long days stretch out ahead of me as far as the eye can see (or the mind can imagine) and the potential for misery seems endless. But by the time Tuesday rolls around and Monday is a memory I usually feel better. Just gotta make it through today!

How was your weekend? All in all mine was pretty good. The weather was beautiful on Saturday so Hubs spent the day mowing and edging the yard while I was cooped up in the office/lounge/Atticus's room creating the logo for my women's group. We just upgraded to Photoshop CS5 from CS2 and I didn't realize how many things can change in three upgrades until I took on this little project! It ended up taking me about 4 hours to get it done enough to be usable for now, but I think it came out pretty nice. I'll post it here after it makes its debut on the group blog so you can judge for yourselves :)

Grandma's birthday party on Sunday was fun. I'm so glad my whole immediate family was able to make the 3 hour drive down to San Diego for it. It was nice to see my cousins, aunt and uncle, and of course Grandma too! She's struggling with Alzheimer's, but she's been on that medication that's supposed to slow it down and it seems to help. She still forgets whose kid is whose and couldn't remember who gave her the lovely wrap she received 20 minutes after opening it (it was my mom, in case you were wondering), but overall she still has her faculties about her, remembers who we all are, and is reasonably "with it."

My sister and her family brought their new puppy along for the ride yesterday as well, and she's just about the cutest thing ever. She's an 11 week old Shiba Inu, which is one of the dogs that Hubs would like to eventually get. So of course he fell in love with her and immediately started looking up the cost of Shiba Inu puppies on his phone. If only he were that excited about getting a kitten!

In an interesting turn of events, a friend recently mentioned this website and it got me thinking about IVF vacations. They're cheaper than most standard IVF cycles plus you get an almost three week Costa Rican vacation out of it included in the cost! Even if it's not quite like a "real" vacation (no drinking, sex, or much sightseeing since I'd have to rest most of the time) at least I wouldn't have to go to work; I could lay by the pool and read for days instead. Hubs and I spent a good amount of time talking about it on Saturday and we figure once we pay off our debt it may be something we can pursue. So it looks like our quest for a little bio VonD may not be over just yet after all...

Loving it

2011-03-04T09:50:00.001-08:00

Oh my gosh, I can't even tell you how much I love this women's group! We had our second meeting last night and it was just the perfect ending to my day. I was in such a good mood last night, and I still am this morning. We have two new members and at least one more who will be joining us at our next meeting. Pretty soon there'll be too many of us to get together at each other's houses anymore. Everyone is really excited about it and seem to enjoy our group quite a bit. The sister of one of our members is even thinking about starting her own chapter in NYC, she's been so inspired by the things she's heard about us! Check out our blog: http://www.considerbliss.blogspot.com/.

Obviously, my day got a lot better after I posted yesterday. I was pretty down in the dumps about realizing my EDD is coming up next week, but I just threw myself into my work and ended up having a decent day. I'm getting more familiar with my new boss, she's actually kind of cool. She needs to work on her listening skills sometimes, but my employees and I are getting more praise and recognition than we ever have, which makes such a difference. I'm still job hunting though, since I'm not yet entirely convinced this place isn't pure evil!

Everything also worked out for my grandma's birthday this weekend, and it turns out my ENTIRE immediate family is going down to San Diego to celebrate with her at my aunt and uncle's house. I'm excited about it! Hubs and I will be road-tripping down there with my little brother (he's actually taller than anyone else in the family and 28 years old, so maybe it's a tad strange to still call him "little"), which I'm looking forward to. He's one of the funniest guys I know, so that should be an entertaining drive.

Other than that, can you say TGIF??? I'll be working a little late tonight, but whatever - I'm just happy I get to sleep in tomorrow!

Nervous Nelly

2011-03-03T08:39:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning with a stomach ache. That's pretty much par for the course lately, although for the past several days I've been feeling less anxious than usual. All good things must come to an end though, and the butterflies came back about 30 minutes before my alarm went off. Perfect timing! The stupid thing is the things that disrupt my sleep and make me want to yak are usually really small. For example:

I decided last night that Hubs and I would join my siblings in a trip to San Diego this Sunday for my grandma's birthday. I haven't seen her in... well, I'm ashamed to admit how long considering she only lives about 3 hours away. There's no excuse. But this Sunday is also the first Sunday of the month, which is the day my immediate family usually gets together for dinner at my parents' house. Which we haven't done in months. And my parents tend to take it really personally when we can't make it, even if the reason is the birthday of one of their parents. So I'll call my mom tonight and let her know, and hopefully she'll decide that she and my dad will come down to SD for grandma's birthday too and solve that problem. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I do.

The ladies are coming to my place tonight for our bi-monthly meeting. I'm not really worried about it, but it does cause a certain amount of anxiety. I'll have about an hour after I get home to straighten up, de-cat-hair as much as possible, put out the drinks and decide what to say for my toast. And I would have come to work early so I could leave early, but I have to help the new hire do end of day... only she called in sick today. Oh, Murphy and your law! You got me again.

Before I left work last night my boss told me (again, which is nice) great job, and that she might have something for me today depending on how our projects are going. Well, with the new hire here and it being the time of the month when I have to do my bajillion reports, I haven't had much time to work on the projects. I'm not worried that I won't get my "something," whatever it may be, I'm worried the status of my projects won't be acceptable and she'll find out I'm not really the amazing employee she thinks I am.

Last but not least, as I was contemplating all these things while going through my morning routine, I realized that exactly one week from today is March 10th. My EDD. And oh yeah, I'm supposed to start my period that day. Fuck.

And this is why I have a prescription for Xanax. Thank God for pharmaceuticals.

10 on Tuesday

2011-03-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

I got the idea to do 10 on Tuesday from Junebug's Musings (who, in case you were wondering, got it from this blog, who has apparently gone private). Seeing as I'm low on inspiration (and yes, high on perspiration as a matter of fact, thanks for asking) lately, I figured this could jumpstart my creative juices and get me blogging more frequently. So here goes!

1. Our new employee starts today. She's currently sitting in HR getting the skinny on the ~~Seventh Circle of Hell~~ our fine institution here and will be joining me in ~~Outer Purgatory~~ my wonderful department shortly.

2. My women's group is going full swing! Over the weekend my friend/partner in crime, A, heard about this event on Women for Women (http://www.womenforwomen.org/) and signed us up. So next Tuesday evening we'll be standing on a bridge in our town, taking a stand against the injustices and brutal treatment of women in Afghanistan, and generally engaging in a symbolic movement to "bridge" women all over the world. Our next meeting is this Thursday, so we'll see how many people we can get to join us. There's only one other bridge event in the county, so we may even try to get the local paper to come out.

3. On Sunday I was talking to a friend of mine and Hubs's about a potential job opportunity. This guy is a partner in a graphic design startup, and though they've only been around for about a year, they're growing fairly quickly. He said he would hire me and even let me come in to test it out if I wanted to before I commit. It's not entirely stable at this point, but if it works out there's HUGE potential. I'm very, very seriously considering this option.

4. I think I'm wearing Hubs down on the subject of getting a kitten. I've been bugging him about it for at least a year and he always telle me no. Sigh... Yes, I even try pulling the IF card from time to time, but I tell you that man has no soul. (Just kidding, he totally has a soul. Mine may have been stolen from me by my employer, but he's managed to keep his intact thus far.) BUT! On Sunday, I brought it up while we were at breakfast with some friends and they kind of took my side. :) Hubs is worried that bringing a new cat into the house will upset our chi and Atticus will hate it; to be honest I worry about that too. We have a very mellow home and Atticus is happy. But he's over 5 years old and lazy as shit so I think a playmate might be good for him. And dammit, I want a kitten and it's never going to get any easier to introduce one into our home. So now Hubs is sort of considering it!

5. Jeez it's hard to come up with 5 things to talk about, let alone 10! Can that be my #5? K, thx.

6. The man cave (a.k.a. garage) is coming along! Did I already tell you this? Well, it's almost completely insulated now, and we just have one wall left to drywall. Hubs hung up some lights so we can finally stop using the floor lamp that we set up ages ago by the door. We have big plans for this thing! I want to get my piano in there (currently housed at my parents'), put the futon and a rug in, put in a basin sink next to the washer and dryer, and hopefully, you know - if there's any room left over, be able to park my car in there. Slowly but surely...

7. It is COLD here. Rainy, cold, and COLD. I'm tired of it. Spring needs to hurry the F up already.

8. I think Hubs solved the problem we've been having with stray cats. We discovered a gap between our back fence and the next door neighbor's where the cats were getting in and out. Hubs patched it up a week or two ago and we haven't seen any back there ever since. Good thing too, if I found one more cat turd next to my half-dug-up rose bush I was going to put out the antifreeze for them to feast on. (Okay not really, Hubs was about to do it and I stopped him. I'm not an animal killer, I just have some anger issues.)

9. Seriously, this is hard. Have you ever tried to come up with 10 things to talk about in a row? Or am I the only one with no life?

10. I've taken so long to write this that the new employee is here and at her desk! She's very nice and seems very capable. Better yet, she has lots of experience using our system! I have high hopes for this chick... not that it matters, since God willing I'll be leaving the company soon. Until then, hopefully she'll make my life easier!

Losing my marbles

2011-02-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

I sit in an aisle lined with 7 cubicles. Only one cube besides mine is currently occupied, and that person is rarely at his desk. So sometimes I talk extra loud or say ridiculous things or even sing because I know if anyone can hear me they won't know that I'm really only talking (or singing) to myself.

Does that make me nuts?

Because I feel like I'm going nuts here.

But on the bright side, I applied for 5 jobs last night! So hopefully my insanity will be short-lived.

The good stuff

2011-02-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so remember a couple of weeks ago when I said I have some news but I wasn't quite ready to share yet? Well I still don't feel like I can do it justice but I'm dying to tell you anyway, so here goes.

My friend A and I are starting a women's group! It's something she's been thinking about doing for months, and when she asked me to help I jumped at the chance. I find it difficult to explain the purpose of the group because technically speaking, there's no specific focus. We will talk about everything and anything that's important to us, with the intention of being open to learning new things and improving ourselves by hearing the different perspectives of other members. It'll also be a place for encouragement and support in setting and reaching personal goals. Our "slogan" is Girl talk, redirected, because it's definitely all about sharing and discussing, but without the griping, drama, or negativity that can sometimes arise when women get together to gab.

I hope that didn't sound too touchy-feely. Okay, the group is kind of touchy-feely, and even though I'm generally quite the opposite, I'm excited about it! It'll be good for my personal growth to be a part of it, and helping launch it with A somehow completely meets this need I had to DO SOMETHING. Preferably something useful. We had our first trial meeting last Friday and it went really well. There's a core group of 5 of us, and we're kind of slowly inviting others to join in as A and I feel our way through this process. We want it to be fun and enjoyable, but we do have some structure to keep things organized too. We have a blog (which I'm not quite ready to share with the world yet, but I'll eventually post a link), a Twitter account, and a FB page, which we're still working on as well.

So that's the BIG thing. And I welcome any questions you might have, I'm not sure how much detail you're interested in.

Other stuff that's going on - Well for one, Hubs and I are working on improving our marriage, getting the ol' spark back and generally making our home life more fulfilling. I'm pretty excited about focusing on us - something I actually have control over! I think it will make us both a lot happier. We've been talking more about my job options as well. We determined that we can afford for me to take a job that pays a little less than what I'm making now, but that's more in line with my interests and skills. So that opens things up quite a bit and makes me feel a little hopeful. Another option is taking a stress leave while I continue to search for another job. That's not something I really want to do, but work is getting worse and worse almost every day. It's just a matter of time before something gives, I just hope that something isn't my sanity.

Thank you for the well-wishes yesterday, I'm actually feeling a lot better on the YI front today. Thank God too, I was at the point where I wanted to tear out my lady business with my fingernails for a while there! My new boss has been off my back most of today, I just have to stay off her radar for another hour and I can go home for a nice long, relaxing weekend :)

FML

2011-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

Warning: TMI and whining ahead.

I've been going nonstop at work lately and it is catching up with me. As soon as Aunt Flo left town on Sunday I was immediately visited by her evil step-sister and my arch nemesis: Yolanda Ingrid. And because it just wouldn't be my life without Murphy's Law going into effect at every possible opprotunity, my usually fail-proof method of getting rid of YI is either not working or it's irritating my poor lady bits even more, because here we are 3 days later and I'm still absolutely miserable. Now I'm debating whether it's worth it to not medicate tonight just so I can go to the doctor tomorrow and hear, "Yup, it's a YI, and yup, your skin's irritated." But I may drive myself even crazier than I already feel if I don't go. Ugh.

So yeah, I'm at work and it's horrible just to sit down. And to stand up. And walk. ...I don't think I'm getting much done today.

On the brighter side, I was supposed to be off today and tomorrow to enjoy a nice 5 day weekend with the Hubs. Unfortunately, since we STILL haven't filled the open position in our department, that's not happening because we don't have coverage. But, I do get to take half a day off tomorrow, isn't that generous of them? And maybe, just maybe, I won't have to work on Saturday morning. For the record, Hubs still has a 5 day weekend, the lucky duck.

I guess I'll stop whining now, at least long enough to take some advil, tylenol and AZO yeast pills. And maybe a Benadryl. I wonder if I have anything stronger in my pharmacy/purse, it might make it easier to get through the day if I can be a little loopy. Just kidding... kind of.

And yes, eventually I will tell you about the GOOD things going on in my life lately. But right now I can't muster the enthusiasm.

Checking in

2011-02-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps! I hate being so busy that I have no time for blogging. There's so much I have to say and yet I have zero time to turn my jumbled up thoughts into even one coherent post.

Stuff is the same, though life is changing. I am sorting through some emotions right now and progressing towards something like happiness, I think. And I'm dying to tell you all about it. Hopefully I'll get home on time tonight and have an hour alone so I can finally put it all down.

Back to work now. I wouldn't want one of my 17 bosses catching me in an un-overwhelmed moment, you know! They'd think I have time on my hands and give me another project to work on. ;)

xoxo

Kit

A regular gal

2011-02-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't missed a single period since my very first one, not even for those five minutes I was pregnant if you count the implantation spotting that started right when I was due for AF. It's like my body just craves that monthly gift.

Well, I never said my body was rational. Just predictable.

AF sucks. Can I get an Amen? And not just because of the infertility thing. It's generally a pain in the arse that I'd rather not deal with. IF adds a whole other dimension (or three) to that suckiness. Not only is it a very unnecessary reminder of what my body can't do, but since my body can't do that thing, I ask you, what's the point of having a period? I repeat: UNNECESSARY.

I'm not naming names here, but someone should have included an AF-OFF switch in the design of the human female body. Think how handy that would be during nearly all phases of life!

Teenage years: Want to wear your new white Daisy Dukes? Got a hot date? (Over-the-clothing groping only of course!) Flip the switch and delay your monthly bill until tomorrow!

Child-bearing years: Can't afford baby #7? Your plumbing's busted and you're tired of crying in the bathroom stall at work every month? Taking a second honeymoon with your hubby? Not an issue!

Menopause: Why go through years of sputtering ovaries? Just flip that switch for good and call it done!

For some reason someone never comes asking for my sound and fail-proof input on these matters. Though obviously they should; I'm a wealth of great ideas. This one would be perfect today since AF decided to show up a day early, and I forgot to bring supplies with me to work. So, dear someone, in case you're taking enhancement requests for the next round of evolution, I humbly submit the "AF-OFF Switch" for your consideration. Maybe I can catch a break in my next life.

This weekend is gonna suck

2011-02-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, maybe it won't suck completely. But read on and I think you'll understand why I'm not looking forward to it one bit.

Reason #1 this weekend will suck: I have to come in to work tomorrow for four hours. It's really not that big of a deal; I plan on wearing overly comfy clothes and showering tonight so as to maximize my sleep time. I'll be home by 12:30 and Hubs has to work anyway too. Still, there's something a little disheartening about it being Friday when you know you still have an extra day of this crap to look forward to.

Before I tell you the second reason, maybe you should sit down. Y'know, in case you were standing at your computer reading blogs.

Sitting down now? Good. Deep breath...

Because it's Superbowl. Don't hurt me! Football just doesn't do it for me. And although under normal cirumstances I enjoy a Superbowl party as much as the next person, reason number three explains why these aren't normal circumstances.

Number three: At this party, there's an excellent chance I'll run into 3 or 4 of Hubs's friends' pregnant wives. I haven't seen any of them since they got pregnant. As much as I genuinely like each of them, I'm dreading this. Hence the reason I haven't seen them since they got themselves in a family way. They know about my IF, so hopefully it won't be as painful as I anticipate. And if it is, Hubs gave me an out and said we can leave early if it's really bad. I love that man.

At least the day is half over now. Hope you're having a happy Friday :)

The work situation, and so forth

2011-02-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

Gosh I feel like I just have no inspiration to write lately, and that sucks! I'm sure my muse is missing due to work craziness. Not that I blame her, if I were a muse I wouldn't want to hang around me at work either! Seems like it's all I think about lately even when I have a good day, like yesterday. Before I tell you about it, a quick refresher: I have a new female boss, let's call her Chilly since she's kind of frigid. We both used to report to Mr. Big but her title was recently changed so I report to her now, though I still have a good rapport with Mr. Big and talk to him frequently.

Okay. So. We're having some serious staffing issues with the loss of one of my girls a few weeks ago. (Loss is a poor choice of words - sounds like she died, she didn't, she was fired.) Her position is proving harder to fill than an incontinent bladder, not to mention it's really more than a one-person job, and the three of us left over are struggling to make things work. Literally none of us can call in sick much less take any time off, plus we're having to work a lot of overtime (which is great for my underlings who get paid for it! But not so much for me). I'm having to fill in for operational stuff instead of actually managing the department, and my work is suffering as a result. Basically the whole department is hanging on by a very fine thread that could snap at any moment.

As you can imagine this has caused a LOT of anxiety in our normally even-keeled department. Chilly's new position was supposed to take some of the pressure off, but she's been sick (yeah, no problem with her calling in) and dealing with family stuff so she's been no help at all and MIA more often than not. So yesterday I laid it all out for Mr. Big. It's been 3 weeks and there have been zero applicants for the open position. We can't keep working like this. I asked for a temp and at first Mr. Big sort of laughed, but I kept pushing and lo and behold, ten minutes later he was meeting with the CFO. Directly after that Mr. Big informed me we were approved for a temp! By the beard of Zeus, I am so glad I opened my big mouth. Please keep your fingers crossed that they find someone even just halfway decent very soon. I already know I won't be able to take the two days off I requested (and desperately need; just ask my aching, tense neck), but at least maybe we'll be covered for one girl's jury duty and the other's kid's dentist appointment.

Mr. Big and I also had a very frank discussion about the staffing in general for the department. I pretty much told him in so many words that he risks losing employees. So we brainstormed some ideas, and I think one of them could work. It's going to take some finagling, but if it does I think it will take off at least some of the pressure that we feel even when we're fully staffed.

***End long, boring commentary; bless you if you read the whole thing.***

In personal news, I've been working on a project with my friend A for the past couple of weeks. I can't wait to tell you about it, but that's a post for another time. We're still in the very early stages and I'd rather wait until I have more to tell, which will probably be in the next 2 to 3 weeks. But I'm very, very excited!

Also, Hubs spent his day off yesterday putting up drywall in the garage/man cave. Which means one of my "to do" items is being worked on! Okay I realize I'm cheating because I haven't personally done any work on it, but Lord knows I eventually will and it still counts as progress! Once the drywall is up and painted, we'll be installing the storage cabinets that have been waiting patiently in the middle of the garage for the past 2 years. That means one day I'll have a clean surface to fold laundry on! And like, a place to store my detergent and whatnot! And who knows, I may even be able to park my car in there some day. Dream big, I always say...

Awesome Kitty 2011

2011-01-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

When I told my friend K about Hubs's and my decision to stop TTC, she was, as she always has been, super supportive and encouraging. Excited even. She told me she sees me as being very hard on myself, and that she has a feeling this is going to be my year for happiness. Her phrase was "AWESOME KITTY 2011!" (Yes, in all caps.)

K's phrase (hey, that rhymes!) has stuck with me, and Hubs has taken to using it when I need a little pep talk as well. Just this morning he told me, "Super Awesome Kitty 2011 doesn't take crap from anyone!" He took the liberty of adding the "Super" part, but I like it. Somehow, as silly as it sounds, it actually helps to hear it. In a way it reminds me that even though I can't control everything, my happiness is in my hands. I can make this an awesome year even when things don't go my way. Because if I've learned anything in my 30 years on this planet, it's that more often than not life doesn't turn out the way you planned. But that doesn't mean I can't be happy.

So I guess this year is my happiness project! I'm working on changing my outlook, and surprisingly I've already noticed a difference in my attitude. Even Hubs has commented on it. I have to admit I've slowly but surely been regaining some confidence, been more open to people in general, and felt moments of peace more frequently than I have in a long time. Granted, I definitely still have my bad days - way more of them than I would like! But I feel like I have a bit more strength to help me get past those moments. And best of all, I am starting to think there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So much to say so much to say

2011-01-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

Dudes, the title is a lie. I just don't have a lot to say right now.

Work is crazy and the job hunt is slow-going. I'm in a bit of a depression but I'm working on it. There's not a whole lot going on in my life other than work, and work is kinda like the seventh circle of hell lately. No wonder I'm depressed.

This morning I started thinking about setting some goals for myself, I think that might help boost my spirits. There are plenty of things I'd like to accomplish and now that I don't have to worry about that pesky little thing called TTC, I should have plenty of time to accomplish them. I think I'll create a new tab up top to keep track. (Update: see "To Do List.")

It's time to start taking back my life. Back from IF and back from work. It was mine to begin with, after all.

So here's what happened

2011-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much for all of the comments and good thoughts. I think they helped!

The reader's digest version of what happened is this: Right in the middle of this HUGE project both my departments are spending hours upon hours of overtime working on, one of them got fired yesterday. I honestly can't blame the company for doing it, although it's extremely unfortunate for the girl who got fired. As well as for myself since I'm shortstaffed until they can find a replacement, which will probably be a few weeks, and my other two employees since their jobs are being turned upside-down to provide coverage. My departments were understaffed as it was, and this just pushes us over the edge. Now nobody can get sick or take a day off because the Hag (remember her?) refuses to "share" any of her employees, a handful of which are trained to cover us.

It's just a big fat mess. Oh yeah, and I found out today that starting the 31st they're changing who I'm reporting to. Again. This would be boss number 3 in as many years. Neat.

But like I said, your thoughts and prayers must have helped because I'm in a surprisingly good mood now. Even though I'm exhausted, and even though the Hag was being a hag to me all day, and even though another annoying coworker tried (quite unsuccessfully) to throw me under the bus this afternoon, I'm feeling good. Like, confident even. It's been a long time since I felt confident at work. That's not enough to make me want to stay for any longer than I have to, but hopefully it will last long enough to get me through the worst.

And now - it's a three day weekend! And it's supposed to be sunny and 80 degrees all weekend! And I'm going to enjoy every last minute of it while pretending my job doesn't exist!

Oh God

2011-01-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

I thought things couldn't get much worse at work, but once again work has proven me wrong, wrong, WRONG.

More when I can say more. Until then, please send encouraging thoughts and prayers my way. I could definitely use them.

Hanging in there

2011-01-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

Well hello there folks!

Sorry my presence in blogland has greatly diminished. To be honest, it's been nice not thinking about TTC and when I'm here I think about it. And that makes me sad. And I can't always come up with brilliant and hilarious posts that make everyone's day, so there you have it. But I still love you, and I'm still alive!

By the way, I picked a terrible time to stop TTC. Seriously, is everyone pregnant right now? Because it sure seems like it! Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely happy for each one of my pregnant buddies, especially the Infertiles, but man, I just feel like I'm surrounded. On the other hand, if I was still trying I think I'd feel a lot of pressure because of that. So yes, I still think stopping/taking a hiatus is a very good thing for me. All the more because my job is pure shit right now and it's taking everything I have not to throw down my work, march in to my boss's office and scream, "You're a lazy asshole, do this shit yourself because I QUIT!" The only thing stopping me is I'm a lady and ladies don't call their bosses "asshole." ...Ahahahaha! Yeah right, you got me. The real reason I don't do that is because I can't afford to quit without having another job lined up. Which I'm working on! I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

Whew. You can tell I'm stressed when I swear profusely. Even Hubs is growing weary of my gutter mouth. Sorry, I'll try to rein it in.

So yeah. Not TTC = Good. I've come to realize I'm in a terrible place to be trying to get pregnant. Even if it were to happen I'd probably worry so much that I'd end up miscarrying again. And if I didn't miscarry, I'd certainly have a hell of a time trying to juggle taking care of an infant and continuing to work here without going ballistic. If Hubs and I decide to start trying again it will be after I get my act together and can go more than a few days without having a breakdown at my desk. And if we decide to try IVF, which we've talked about, it will be after all that and after we pay off our debt. (Which will hopefully be next year! We're getting close!)

Other than that, things are fine. I've been spending more time with my girlfriends, Hubs and I have gone out with friends a couple of times. We're getting back into circulation after being hermits for the past few months. I still don't have the nerve to hang out with the pregnant chicks, but hey, baby steps right? I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and working on not taking things to heart so much. It's slow-going and I'll probably end up needing professional help anyway, but I can see a little improvement already. Who knows, maybe someday I'll be a happy, well-rounded individual! Wouldn't that be nice?

Happy Thursday my friends! Only one more day until the weekend and I CAN'T WAIT. Here's hoping it gets here fast!

The airing of grievances

2010-12-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: The Airing of Grievances, like traditional venting, doesn't have to be a well-constructed diatribe; any diatribe will do. Even this one.

For Christmas, my MIL got each of her kids a copy of Jon Stewart's Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race, and I've been reading it just about every day. Jon Stewart is a pretty funny guy and the book is very entertaining, as well as mildly informative. As I read it I'm reminded of things I learned in middle and high school school science classes, and then I giggle at his sarcastic comments and think, "If an alien did happen get their hands on this book after the human race was wiped out, it would never understand these jokes and would probably think we were really freaking stupid." But I digress. ...Already.

Anywho.

The other night I got to the section on "life," and there's a list of the scientific criteria required for an object to be considered alive. I know you still have them memorized from 7th grade, but just in case you missed class that day, they are: Organization, Homeostasis, Metabolism, Growth, Response to stimuli, and Reproduction. And now you can guess where I'm going with this.

Lately I've been ~~stewing~~ thoughtfully pondering the common perceptions many people have about infertility and ART. So, in the grand tradition of Festivus (which I realize I'm a week late for), I give you my Airing of Grievances.

Thankfully I don't see very much of this in real life, but I can't even describe how sick it makes me when I see ignorant comments on online infertility articles saying stuff like,

"Infertility is God's/nature's way of controlling the population,"
"Obviously there's a reason you're infertile, quit being selfish - stop trying to conceive your child and (just) adopt," and,
"You're being pretty dramatic, so what if you can't have kids? It's not like you need to! I don't have kids and I'm perfectly happy about it!"

You all know what I'm talking about, you've seen the comments and know I'm just scratching the surface of the idiocy that's out there. And if you don't, please see Exhibit A.

So when I'm reminded that one of the basic criteria required just to be considered ALIVE is the ability to reproduce, my jaw drops that so many people think infertility is no big deal. Or that it's some kind of punishment. Or that there's some deeper reason for it that somehow benefits the rest of the world (i.e. population control). Or particularly that any reaction to discovering you're infertile besides simply and quietly accepting it, stop trying to conceive, and adopting a child instead, is selfish and egotistical.

Well guess what? It's not selfish or egotistical to have the desire to reproduce. It's LIFE. Life wants to continue and it tends to do whatever it can to survive. Remember that line from Jurassic Park, "Life finds a way?" It's true. Seriously, just think about your garden - you work hard to keep it pretty, tearing out weeds like crazy, but no matter how weed-free you manage to get it those damn weeds are always going to find their way back in there. It's what they do, and that's just plants! Animals, and certainly humans are also wired to perpetuate their species and keep living. I believe that a desire to create genetic offspring is evidence of that. And I believe that desire, for many if not most of us, goes right to the core of our humanity. Which is why those of us unable to act on it feel like the very foundation of our lives is shaken, damaged, or sometimes irreparably broken.

So to anyone who still believes that infertility is anything other than a disease or malfunction of the human body that Infertiles have every right to treat however they damn well please, to quote Frank Costanza, "I got a lot of problems with you people!" And I respectfully request that you immediately cease and desist with your self-righteous, know-it-all, judgmental, and often downright mean (and even more often downright stupid) assertions. We don't need any more proof than we already have that the wrong people were "chosen" to be infertile.

:P

363 days until Christmas

2010-12-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

Good morning, fine folks! I trust everyone had a decent weekend and a lovely Christmas if you were celebrating it. You'll be happy to know that I did not spend mine in a drunken stupor, contrary to what my last post may have led you to believe. In fact, I was sober most of the weekend. Although there were a couple of moments I wished I'd made that punch after all, but who doesn't have those moments?

Hubs and I had an absolutely fabulous Christmas together. We savored the morning and took our sweet time going through our pile of presents. We mostly got each other clothes. He got a new jacket, sweaters, some books and a game for the Wii; I got some super cute new skirts and dresses for work, a hot pair of boots, and some really nice product that will hopefully clear up the small solar system that was recently discovered on my chin. Atticus got a toy, but I gave it to him days ago when he was driving me nuts while I was trying to wrap presents, so for the most part he just chased balls of wrapping paper and tried to eat ribbons. He seemed satisfied with that. We also scored some sweet swag from our families - most notably a gas grill! Not to mention the "family" gift we got for ourselves - a new computer that Hubs built, complete with a snazzy new monitor. The Von D household definitely got some upgrades this weekend. And now we're on spending lockdown for the foreseeable future.

Thankfully, the weekend was low on drama after last week's ordeal and we enjoyed a busy day Saturday followed by a very mellow day Sunday. Now it's back to the grind, where I am reminded every day that I need to GET THE F OUT of this job. My boss added a whole new dimension to that reality last week when he proved he doesn't give a rat's flea-infested anus about my department, and then flat-out lied to me just so he wouldn't have to go to any effort whatsoever for us. There are only four of us in the department and I guarantee every one of us is seriously considering looking, if not already actually looking, for new jobs. And now I have this burning desire to go out in a blaze of glory. Hubs suggested we have sex on the president's desk, but I thought that might be taking it a bit far. At any rate, the job hunt is beginning NOW.

Now that Christmas is over, we can all start talking about the new year, right? What are your plans for New Year's Eve? Hubs and I are going to a small get-together at a friend's place, which will be an enormous improvement over last year's South Park marathon.

For the drinkers

2010-12-24T11:25:00.001-08:00

For anyone planning on drowning their sorrows this weekend, I thought I'd share the recipe for this SUPER YUMMY punch that I thoroughly enjoyed last night. Of course it's just as fabulous even if you're not depressed, but if you're going to drown your sorrows at Christmas, you might as well keep it festive!

1 bottle champagne
Appx. 1/2 cup brandy
Appx. 1/2 cup apricot brandy
1/2 - 1 cup sparkling red grape juice, for color
A few scoops of raspberry sorbet to float on top

We also added about a shot of extra (plain) brandy to each glass; it gives it more of a kick without losing the tasty frou-frou flavor. Throw in some blueberries and it's a gorgeous and delicious knock-you-on-your-butt libation!

Bottoms up!

Almost perfect but not quite

2010-12-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

I started writing a post the other day about how I've kicked out my inner Grinch and am actually, for the first time in three years, looking forward to Christmas. But then I never got around to posting it, which turned out to be a good thing because the shit hit the fan on Tuesday night and I remembered why the holidays suck so much.

Without going into the gruesome (and yet somehow also boring) details, I will just say that it's about the same thing it always is: Trying to schedule 4 family functions into one day while maintaining my sanity and maybe getting 5 minutes to do what I want to do, like spend a quiet moment alone with Hubs. I thought I had it all figured out, that this was going to be the year we finally had a stress-free Christmas! Oh how wrong I was.

I just wish our parents would try to understand that we do want to spend time with them at the holidays, but it's not always going to be the ideal situation because we get pulled and guilted from all sides every year. Everyone wants a piece of us, and there just isn't enough to go around. I'm trying my best to make everyone happy, but in the end it always ends up making me unhappy!

So Hubs and I are thinking about trying to move the trip to Hawaii we had planned for our 5th anniversary next year up to next Christmas instead. Then even if I piss everyone else off, at least I'll be happy and relaxed!

There is good news about Christmas this year; the reason I was so excited about it is that it's the first year since we've been married that Hubs and I bought a lot of gifts for each other. That sounds really materialistic, but I don't mean it to be. It just doesn't seem like Christmas without a big pile of presents under the tree to wake up to, and we've never had that together. But this year we will, and I am excited to share it with him.

Merry Christmas, ladies. I hope you all get exactly what you want this year, whatever it may be.

The turning of a page

2010-12-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

There is a chance that Hubs and I will some day have a biological child. Right now, though, I am coming to realize that those chances are not increased by our efforts. Infertility has left me exhausted and heartbroken to the point that giving up TTC sounds like sweet relief, and infinitely more appealing than one more month of valiant effort and crushing disappointment.

It hasn't been easy or clear-cut coming to this decision. Hubs and I are becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that one day, a few years from now, our family will grow through adoption, and I've already started putting a lot less emphasis on TTC. But still I've been miserable for weeks. Until today I thought it was about my miscarriage and how much I hate my job; now I believe it's the end of the dream of little baby A+K I'm grieving.

I don't know if this is a permanent decision, but I think it should at the very least be open-ended so I can try to move on. I also don't yet know what new direction my blog may take. I guess I'll just wait and see, and I hope you do too.

Bitter Infertile on board!

2010-12-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

WARNING: This is a rant about child-centric automobile adornments. If you happen to have child-centric adornments on your car, please know that I still love you and it's not my intention to offend you. Even my siblings have some of this crap on their cars and I still speak to them. ;)

As I was pulling into the parking lot at work this morning I was behind a guy with a license plate that read "2X A DAD." I immediately scoffed. For one, my personal opinion is that vanity plates are a waste of money, but I can appreciate a funny or cute one. For example there's someone driving around with a plate that says "GR8YTB8."  The guy is a surfer. Get it? Great White Bait! I think that's clever. But the people living in the town where I work tend to be long on excess funds and short on imagination, so it's rare I see a vanity plate that doesn't come across as, well, vain. Or superior. (A couple other regulars I see are: "heart R HI IQ" on a Smart car, and "MY 60MPG" on a Prius. Yes, we get it, you get good gas mileage. I still don't think it's particularly "smart" to drive around in a car the size and sturdiness of an aluminum can.)

For two, I'm just getting so tired of seeing automobiles slathered in advertisements about the driver's offspring and fertility.  Look, I get that they're proud of their kids, I'd be proud of mine too if I had any, but it's just so over the top. And guess what? 90% of the population can have kids, so procreating is not exactly a notable achievement, Mr. 2X A DAD. You had sex and children are often the result of that. I'm happy you're doing a good job raising your kids, but I'm sure you'll excuse me if I don't pull my car over and applaud you for it. Did my grandma drive around with a sign that said "9X A MOM?"  No she did not, and raising 9 kids is a helluva lot more impressive than your two. It's your job to raise them to the best of your ability, not a special talent worthy of sharing with the world.

For three (and let's be honest here - this is obviously the main reason I scoffed), it's a well-established fact that I'm a bitter Infertile and sarcasm and scoffing are like second languages to me.

So how many different ways do parents pat themselves on the back (or bumper) for rearing their kids? Let's count. Besides the cheesy license plates, there's...

1. Stick-figure family decals, sometimes even including everyone's names, as if the parents have never seen an after school special warning kids not to tell strangers their names in case the stranger is a predator. I can't stand those stickers. There was one time, though, when I saw a car with just a male stick figure and a female stick figure clinking wine glasses and my heart surged with joy! I would totally get something like that.

2. Bumper stickers - and not just the ones that say "My child is an honor student at fill-in-the-blank school," (please, is every kid an honor student these days? Those things are everywhere!) but other super clever ones like the "Got Twins?" sticker I'm always ending up behind on my way out of my neighborhood. Sigh. A. No, I don't "got twins," but I do got endo! And B. Though the "Got Milk?" ad campaign was decent for its time, it's now stale and cliche. Can we please agree to retire it?

3. The "baby on board" window signs. I don't quite understand the purpose of these.  Are they supposed to make me drive slower? Be more careful than usual? Because I was totally going to rear-end someone this one time just for giggles, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that sign stuck on their rear window. Or maybe it's an advertisement targeted at Infertiles who are in the market for free unwanted babies? If that's the case I might change my mind about this one.

4. Personalized license plate frames. I especially loathe the ones that "keep score." You know the ones I'm talking about, "Mom's scoreboard: Girls 2, Boys 1." (Or if you're the Duggars: Girls 243, Boys 198.) I'd like to get one that says, "Infertile's scoreboard: Beers 6, Martinis 3," but that might attract the wrong kind of attention... the kind with blue and red lights and sirens.

Hmm... well that's all I can think of. One day I will have a kid and maybe this stuff won't annoy me anymore, but for now I might as well have fun with it!

Wednesday

2010-12-01T16:20:00.000-08:00

Work is getting worse and worse. I heard some "unofficial" news this morning that's turning out to be just the kick in the pants I needed to start seriously looking for a new job. So tonight as I'm enjoying a HP double feature with Hubs, I'll also be updating my resume. I started working here the same month Hubs and I started TTC, and I've been miserable ever since. And more miserable with each passing year I'm here. That's just no way to live. So if I may ask, please send thoughts, prayers, hopes, whatever you've got, that I can find something where I'm happier and can still afford to pay the mortgage.

And in TTC news... ugh. It's CD10 and, not surprisingly, I am in no mood to get down to business this month. Besides that, I think my hormones have been jacked ever since my m/c. I've got a few lovely cystic zits that haven't gone away in months and flare up even bigger when I'm PMSed. Also, for the past 2 or 3 months I've been spotting after AF for days. For example, I am still spotting today. Day TEN, people! WTF. So my acu gave me some herbs that are supposed to balance out my hormones and make the spotting stop. I can only hope.

Oh - Did I tell you about the status of my ring? It was kind of on hold while I attempted to procure a stone, which I finally did last week. I ended up getting a trillion-cut blue topaz. Pretty much nothing like I was originally planning (pear-shaped ruby), but there's a reason for that. I've been seeing poppies everywhere since I decided to use that flower as a symbol for my loss (P.S. did you notice the background on my blog is poppies? I had no idea until recently). Then I happened across a gorgeous image of a bright blue poppy, which was the inspiration for the little image I made over on the right. I'm in love with just about every shade of blue, so I decided to go with a blue poppy for my symbol of remembrance rather than red. It just felt more personally meaningful. Anyway, so my friend T now has my stone and can get started making my ring!

Okay I feel much better adding that last paragraph, otherwise this post was getting seriously depressing.

Happy Hump Day, all. And happy Hanukkah to all those celebrating it :)

Considering throwing in the towel

2010-11-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hubs and I have been having some conversations lately about TTC, specifically our feelings about continuing to try for a baby. Maybe it's just time for a break, but no matter how I try, I haven't been able to shake this depression since my m/c. I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like an eternity. I've gotten past the point where I tear up whenever I think about it, and where I yell at the TV and change the channel whenever there's a commercial about babies or pregnancy. I even had a nice thought the other day about the pregnant lady at work, who still sighs and shuffles around all hunched over like she has the weight of the world in her uterus. But the holidays certainly make it harder.

You know that faint glimmer of hope that shows up toward the beginning of a new C, right after AF leaves town? I don't have that anymore. Our conversations - mine and Hubs's, not mine and AF's - have been about giving up TTC. We decided several weeks or so ago that our drop dead age for TTC would be when I'm 34. If by that time I'm not pregnant/haven't had a baby we will start on the adoption route, with my added caveat that if Hubs feels ready to adopt sooner then we'll do it sooner.

I will be a mom some day, and that is a wonderful thought. But I also feel like right now I'm starting to mourn the lost hope that we'll be able to conceive our child. Of course it could still happen, but I'm tired of hanging everything on that narrow hope.

No hard decisions have been made. I'm still going to acupuncture, though I've thought (a lot) about the amount of money it would save us if I stopped. I guess for now we'll just let our feelings evolve and see what happens.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:47:00.000-08:00

Today I came to a realization: I just don't like the holidays! Is that so wrong? I find them to be more trouble than they're worth, besides being a painful reminder of what I don't have. So I don't have any holiday spirit. It is what it is. Today I will still put on a happy face and no one will be the wiser. I will ignore the bitter feelings and be truly thankful for what I have.

And I will eat turkey and green bean casserole and pie and drink wine all day. Because really, that is what Thanksgiving is all about, isn't it?

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. Thank you for being a bright spot in this bitter scrooge's life. ;)

Overworked

2010-11-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

I want out.

My job is pushing me over the edge. There's too much going on, and about every time I turn around I get another big project to do. I am up to six right now, six, all but one due by the end of the year. All three of my employees have been coming to me complainig that they are overwhelmed and stressed. One used the word "drowning." I feel awful for them, but I don't know how to help them when I feel exactly the same way. There's no way we're going to be able to hire another person, we just have to figure out how to deal with it. But I'm afraid someone's going to quit on me.

Or worse, that someone will quit on me before I have a chance to quit!

But there just aren't that many jobs out there that I'm qualified for. I've been in banking almost 10 years, pretty much my entire adult job history. Yes, I've done different things - customer service, training and development, and now management - but in this economy I feel like any other job paying what I make now is going to require as much of me as this place does. And I can't afford to take a pay cut. I am hoping to get a raise this year, since no one here did last year, but that just means my bills get paid faster, not that my workload will get any easier.

I don't know what to do. My boss is not receptive to the "I'm overwhelmed" complaint. The work just has to get done and we just don't have enough people to take some of the load off.

I have got to get out of here, somehow.

Acceptance

2010-11-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm always anticipating, fretting over, and fighting against the unknown. Every day it's, "What if I never have a baby?" "What if I unwittingly do something horribly wrong at work?" "What if that milk is spoiled and I drink it without realizing it?" Even when it's something I know I can't control I still try to control it. At the very least I feel the need to be mentally or emotionally prepared for the worst possible outcomes. I'm sure it's some kind of coping mechanism. Making myself crazy with anticipation and dread is supposed to somehow soothe my fear of the unknown... I guess...?

This morning I had a thought: How liberating would it be if I could turn off that need for control? I imagine the familiar tension falling from my body like heavy robe, landing on the floor in a heap that I could simply step out of and walk away from forever. And instead of feeling vulnerable and weak without that "protection," I'd feel capable and open and accepting of whatever lie ahead. I would know that even if I couldn't win every battle I was faced with I would at least survive them. Maybe even come out a stronger person. I'd know that there is really nothing for me to fear because I'm strong enough right now to face the challenges I've been given. The bad stuff wouldn't look so bad anymore, and I could accept the good with gratitude and joy.

This is my one chance at life and I don't want to spend every day of it fighting my fate or desperately yearning for what's just out of reach. I want to get as much enjoyment out of it as humanly possible. What if I could really begin to accept things just as they are? Can I learn to look at my world through the lens of "this is how it is," instead of "this is how I wish it were"? Is acceptance something a person can even choose to do, or is it one of those things that graces you when you "least expect it"?

It's Saturday and the weather's fine

2010-11-13T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hubs woke up all excited about going to the farmers market this morning. I know lots of people find it enjoyable, but I will never understand excitement over grocery shopping. To me it's a necessary evil at best. But we did get some good deals on fresh produce, and I got to pick up a pumpkin latte from Cof.fee Be.an which made getting out of bed before 10 almost worth the trouble.

Later, while Hubs was putting up insulation in the garage/man cave, I weeded our very neglected planters and pulled up all the dead plants. Ever since the m/c I've been avoiding gardening more than usual, almost to the point of deliberately letting our plants die. I guess that was my small way of sticking it to life; fickle, fickle life. For the record, most of the plants survived the VonD famine, I just had to get rid of a few annuals. Even better, one of my azaleas is blooming, and the other, along with all three rose bushes, are getting ready to bloom again too. And now I have room to plant more roses, which somehow seem to thrive in our yard despite my black thumb.

Now Hubs and I are feeling restless. We have a birthday shindig to attend later tonight, and I think we may just laze around the house drinking vodka cranberries until then. And at some point I may take a shower too.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend :)

Bullet point check-in

2010-11-10T16:02:00.001-08:00

It's been beyond insane at work this week... and last week... and will most likely continue in that fashion for weeks to come I'm afraid. But I have a moment of quiet right now so I thought I'd just pop in to say hi!

Hi :)
Did you know that stress is bad for your skin? Well, it's bad for my skin. I've had this cystic zit on my chin ever since my miscarriage that grows and shrinks but never completely goes away. On Monday it was tiny; today it's about the size of a golf ball (and it hurts! And itches!). I've been popping Xanax like it's going out of style all week. Coincidence? I think not.
My friend B had an 80's themed birthday party this past weekend and everyone had to dress up. I am now extremely sad I wasn't able to fully participate in 80's fashion back when it was stylish. It was so fun! I wish I could wear blue eyeshadow, big hair, teal tights, and hot pink off-the-shoulder sweatshirts every day! I looked hot.
Team Aardvark had been doing pretty well in our bowling league... Okay hold up, "pretty well" might be a little strong. I mean, we were ranked a respectable 13 or 14 out of 17 teams. Then last week all three of us hit our personal worst scores, and we are now 2nd to last in the league. The worst part is we're pretty sure the bottom team has only actually shown up a few times the whole season.
Hubs and I are both off tomorrow for Veterans Day (thanks, Vets!). Hubs thinks we're going to be working on the garage. I think we'll be going to the movies. Who do you think will prevail?

And that's my life lately!

My happy Halloween weekend

2010-11-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when a perfectly good weekend is interrupted by a VERY ~Monday~ morning? Atticus was in rare form whining for food well before my alarm went off, someone left all the windows in the house open last night so the whole place was freezing, and I've had some stomach issues for the past week that culminated in the unstoppable need to barf while I was brushing my teeth. Things can only improve from there, right? I hope...

Before this morning, though, the weekend was pretty great. Our potential guests decided to stay with another friend, which worked out perfectly. On Saturday morning we headed downtown to the farmers market and stocked up on veggies and a lovely bouquet of autumn-y flowers. I was feeling adventurous and also picked up some pomegranates, yum! Afterwards we walked to a couple of thrift stores in search of Halloween costumes. The plan was to dress up as an old couple, but when I found a fabulously 60's dress and Hubs discovered a pair of 1970's Levi's 'Gentleman's Jeans,' we decided to go to the party as a retro couple instead. I just wish I'd gotten a photo of my gorgeous blue and gold eye shadow; let me tell you, it looked pretty amazing.

It was nice spending the evening with some friends we hadn't seen in months (isn't that usually the case with me?), even if the party was a little on the bland side. As if to spice up the evening, we had one of the scariest cab rides home I've ever experienced. Many laws were broken, the cabbie was messing with his cell phone, pager, and GPS all while speeding, and then when we got home he kept trying (unsuccessfully) to give Hubs some business cards. Looking back we should have taken one, just so we'd know which driver to NEVER get a ride from again!

After I slept off my hangover on Sunday, Hubs and I ran some errands and then came home and carved pumpkins together. We wanted to create our own designs, but were both at a loss for what to carve, since it's been about 15 years since the last time we'd done it. They ended up looking really cute though. I tried my hand at scraping for the first time and made a firy cauldron, where the flames were cut out but the cauldron was scraped so it just sort of glows. Hubs's jack-o-lanterns turned out better than mine did, he made two: one scary face and one scared face. Since we weren't handing out candy and didn't want kids to think we were, we put our creations on the steps by the back door instead of out front. Then we ordered some take out and watched Bram Stoker's Dracula before going to bed.

It was just about the perfect Halloween weekend. Well, except for that one moment when we found out another one of our friends is pg, but I'm working on blocking that detail from my memory.

Hope your Monday is going easy on you!

Why can't I quit you?

2010-10-29T01:10:00.000-07:00

I have a confession: I've been on blogger every day this week. (What do you mean you could already tell??) I've read some posts, I've commented on some posts, I've clicked some links within some posts that took me to some other posts... Even when work is busy, I itch for my fix and make time when I can to visit blogland. I suppose it's time to admit I have a problem.

Hi! (Waves) I'm Kit, and I'm a blogoholic.

Y'all are my drug, and I'm hooked.

******************************

Well, it's that time of year again: Halloween is nigh! The day when little monsters dress up as angels and go door to door begging for freebies. Actually in my neighborhood the little monsters don't dress up, nor do they bother begging - they just stick their grubby little hands in my bowl and dig out fistfuls of candy before I can even get the door all the way open. I desperately wish I was exaggerating. Hoping for a "Trick or treat" is almost as pointless as expecting a "thank you" before they run off to the next house. So once again this year I'll be leaving my porch light off and curtains drawn tight on Sunday night. Maybe I'll get Hubs tipsy enough to curl up on the couch with me and some popcorn and watch a scary movie. (He's a manly man, but he doesn't like scary movies. They scare me too, but I like to be scared once in a while!)

We're invited to a couple of parties on Saturday night, but we're facing a few dilemmas:

1. We may be hosting house guests for the weekend, starting tonight. Yep, I said "may." And to answer your question, yep, I'm annoyed that we still don't know for sure if they're coming.

2. We don't have costumes. Hubs doesn't want to dress up, and I'm not going to a costume party without a costume. So I told him it's up to him: either we go and dress up (and he has to help me with the costumes), or we don't go. I'm not sure if he's decided what he wants to do yet.

3. Halloween also happens to be the 30th birthday of one of our potential guests, and he is as indecisive as Hubs about what he wants to do this weekend.

Jeez I sound like a crotchety old lady! I'm not as crotchety as I sound though, I promise. Whatever happens this weekend, I'm not that worried about it.

So. Are you dressing up this year? What are you going to be?

Happy Halloween! :)

More on "Barren"

2010-10-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

I know I said I wouldn't be posting about IF for a bit, but I couldn't not tell you that last night I received a personal email from Monica Wiesblott, the artist from the Barren exhibit! I'd left my email address and blog URL in the guestbook, and to my surprise she recognized me from ICLW and has actually been by here before. (I have to admit, I was as excited as if I'd been recognized by a movie star!) I'm so pleased to be able to follow Monica on her infertility blog now!

I'm also very pleased to tell you that the exhibit is online! (Prepare for major trigs if you decide to check it out.) I don't know how I missed that before, but now that I have the link I'm going to be spreading it around wherever I can. It's such a powerful depiction of what it means to be infertile and to have suffered loss, and like I said in her guestbook, Monica is a very brave woman for baring her soul to the world in this way.

Thanks again to Monica!
Happy Hump Day :)

It's not you, it's me

2010-10-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I need some space.

I'm not ready for a serious commitment.

I have so many other things going on in my life right now, I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve.

No, I'm not breaking up with you, my bloggity friends, I just need a little distance from TTC and IF for a little while. To get off the emotional roller coaster, if you will. The start of a new cycle seems like a good time to try to adjust my focus and hopefully get back to some kind of balance. Hubs and I will still try this C, since I can't seem to avoid it, but hopefully without so much obsession.

So, I may not be around here much, or I may be around but posting about stuff other than TTC and IF. And I may not be commenting much (not that I've been a stellar commenter lately anyway, sorry), but please know it's nothing personal.

Well I mean, it is personal, but yeah. It's me. Not you.

Couldn't wait

2010-10-25T17:38:00.001-07:00

I stopped on the way home for some FRERs, and as I was waiting in line I could feel AF picking up. OF COURSE! But I bought them anyway because, hell, I'm a glutton for punishment I guess! Of course it was negative.

Maybe next month.

The Barren exhibit, and other stuff

2010-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends :)

First, an update on my weekend activities:

My friend B and I went to the Barren exhibit on Saturday and it was very moving. Most of the pieces were photographs of things like empty cribs, strollers, and lonely toys. There were also some wintry scenes with bare trees and frost-covered ground. A few were mixed media and a technique I'm not really familiar with (and I forgot the name) that looked like multiple photo exposures layered together, but with a sketchy quality. Some of the pieces were quite graphic; apparently the artist experienced multiple early miscarriages, if that gives you an idea. She also had a few written pieces posted here and there, talking about visiting a friend who had just given birth, thoughts that seemed to have been written when she was in some of her darkest places, and so on. Those were the pieces that touched me the most. I guess maybe I have more of an appreciation for literary art than visual art. There were many points where I was choking back the tears. I don't really know what else to say about it. I'm very glad I went, but I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, you know? It definitely touched me, as I'm sure it would touch anyone who has dealt with infertility.

The rest of the day Saturday was much more lighthearted. B and I tried to sell some clothes and accessories at Bu.ffa.lo E.xcha.nge, and discovered that we're not nearly cool enough for them. Even my Be.tsey Jo.hnson dress was denied and that thing is CUTE (but a size 4, which I no longer am nor will I probably ever be again). We each managed to unload a pair of shoes in exchange for store credit, so maybe I'll be able to pick up a new sweater or something. After that we had lunch and made the rounds to all the local party stores to brainstorm decoration ideas for B's 1980's themed 30th birthday bash which is coming up in 2 weeks. You know how I love throwing a party, so of course I offered to help her set everything up!

~Poss. triggs ahead~
As planned, Hubs and I spent Sunday afternoon/evening at my brother and SIL's to see baby J. She is so damn cute and such a good baby. I didn't want to put her down!

~TMI (and obsession) ahead~
I'm pretty sure either yesterday or today is CD1. Although, what I'm experiencing right now reminds me of what I experienced right before I got my BFP. Let me explain - last night (CD28) Hubs and I DTD since it was our last chance before AF's arrival. Afterwards I had some pink bleeding, not a lot, but enough to figure AF was starting. This morning there were just a few brown spots on my pad, and some beige-ish CM when I wiped. Then nothing until noon when I went to the RR, and when I wiped had about the same amount of pink bleeding as I did last night, maybe a bit more, but only 1 little brown spot on my pad. I do not normally spot before AF, and never have since I've been doing TCM.

Sigh... I'm anxious, scared, and trying not to be hopeful... But I have to remember I have no control over this. Chances are AF is just messing with me, maybe we knocked something loose DTD last night and that's why I'm all spotty. If it doesn't pick up by tomorrow I will test in the morning. Today I'm just going to try to keep breathing.

What a week!

2010-10-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin today, sorry if this post turns out disjointed.

This week has felt like torture, though in reality it wasn't all bad. Mostly it's just felt ridiculously long, work has been incredibly busy, and I've been stressed to the max. It seems like every time I turn around my boss is saying to me, "I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but would you...?" Uh, yeah - more like my plate is overflowing - I've been letting things go by the wayside, forgetting things, and generally being overwhelmed and dreading the workday, but sure! Go right ahead and see how much more you can pile on me before my sanity gives out! Ugh. All I can say is, thank GOD for Xanax.

The worst part about this week was Wednesday night, when it became abundantly clear that I'm in need of professional therapy. How I was feeling a couple weeks ago had nothing on the explosion of emotions going on inside me on Wednesday night. It was not pretty, and I think I really scared Hubs. He's pushing me to call a shrink. I know he's right, but I'm having a hard time taking that step right now.

On Tuesday a series of thunderstorms passed our way, and in the morning knocked out power at work... Which in turn knocked out our servers, which caused a huge tizzy at the bank seeing as no one, not even locations that had power, could process transactions. We thought we were going to have to go all disaster recovery mode, but luckily the power came back on after about half an hour. What a relief! The storms lasted all day, and on Tuesday evening Hubs and I watched the lightning from our backyard until it started raining... then POURING... and finally hailing. The hail was crazy! We rarely get such extreme weather, and when it does hail it's usually teeny tiny bits of ice. This time it was chunks the size of quarters!

Anywho, I am more than ready for the weekend. Shoot, I'm practically sobbing with relief knowing it's only a few hours away. I finally have firm plans to go see the Barren photo exhibit tomorrow. My friend B and I are going together and then having lunch afterwards since it's been way too flippin' long since the last time we saw each other. I'm looking forward to it, and I can't wait to tell you all about it! I'm also hoping to go with Hubs to check out this huge haunted house/maze thing nearby. I haven't done that since I was a teenager and I'm feeling a little Halloween spirit this year I guess. And Sunday we plan on visiting my new niecey-pie. Oh yeah, and my brothers and SIL and other niece too. ;)

I hope you've had a decent week! Do you have any fun plans for the weekend?

Still stuck

2010-10-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

First of all, if you know Christina, or even if you don't, be sure to head over to her blog and offer your condolences on the loss of her mom, as well as the issues she is dealing with her dad right now. I feel just awful for her, no one should have to go through all of that at once.

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I can't seem to get on top of my emotions lately. I would have been more than happy to stay at home on Sunday instead of going to the housewarming party we'd planned to drop by, but Hubs forced me to go. Even though I whined and pouted about it the whole time we were getting ready. In the end, I'm glad he made me. I spend an inordinate amount of time planted on the couch watching TV or mindlessly lurking on FB (or playing An.gry B.irds of course), and that is not good. Hubs and I were a pretty social couple once upon a time, but now... well, suffice it to say there was more than one person at the party who noted that it had been a few months since they last saw us. What am I supposed to say to that? "I know, so sorry, ever since my embryo died a little piece of me died too. And it was probably the piece that liked to party."

Anyway, the housewarming party was a good time in the end. Even though there were kids and babies around (I even held my friend's 1 month old for the first time), I had fun. I really need to do more of that. It's just hard to drag myself out of my depression and go. Luckily I have a "mean" husband to push me when I don't have the strength to do the pulling.

~Trigs Ahead~

After the party I got a photo text from my brother of my new niece, J! I was so shocked, I had no idea my SIL had even gone into labor. They were surprised too. As it turns out, she was only in labor for 5 hours before the baby was born. So we cruised over to the hospital to check her out. Baby J is adorable with a little round face and dark hair, and weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz.

Which brings me to today. Now, I stand by my declaration that I'm not jealous of my brother and SIL about the baby. I am very happy for them. But the combination of rainy-day Monday and just knowing this C is another bust made me really sad for myself. My mood followed me around until an hour or so after my acupuncture appointment, and thankfully it's pretty much dissipated now. (Really, it's amazing what acu does for my mood, it's a good thing my appointments are usually on Mondays.) Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm feeling very STUCK right now. I know, it's nothing new. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to move on and wanting to hide in my cave. It is very frustrating.

**********

And finally, I completely forgot until I read Busted Kate's blogiversary post that it was my blogiversary this month too! October 8th marked two years since I started this here blog. I apologize that my posts aren't nearly as entertaining as BK's, but I do want to say a huge thank you to all the amazing, wonderful people I've met since that fateful day. Thanks for reading me, thanks for being there for me through the good times and the bad, and thanks for helping make this awful journey a little more bearable. You (yes you!) are the best!

Just a quick update

2010-10-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna work.

I just want to bang on my drum all day.

Actually, I don't really have much rhythm or coordination, so it's probably better if I stick with what I know and avoid the drums.

There's not much going on with me this week. Today is CD 19 and I'm not particularly hopeful/delusional about this C. We only DTD like 3 times around O, and guess what? I don't care!!

This weekend is art walk weekend. They do it twice a year downtown and I've never gone. So Hubs and I decided to make it a date tomorrow night after he gets home from work. Who knows, maybe we'll end the evening with some drinks and fun at home... ;) ;)

Speaking of art, I still haven't made it over to that Barren exhibit. I'm going to try to see it tomorrow with a friend, but if that doesn't work out - next weekend for sure! The exhibit's over on the 23rd and I'll kick myself if I miss it!

~Poss Trigs Ahead~

My SIL is due to deliver daughter #2 on Monday. Believe it or not, I am not (at this point anyway) sad in the least about it. On the contrary, I'm excited to meet my SIXTH niece! She and I are going to share the same middle name, which is also my paternal grandmother's name. :)

Well my friends, I wrote my post. That means I can go home now, right? Pretty please...?? No? Shoot. Guess I'll be here for another 4 hours... Happy Friday!

The Infertile's guide to surviving a kids' birthday party

2010-10-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

I found a way to help me get through children's birthday parties - bring along a tyke! There are many benefits to borrowing a toddler for child-centered festivities:

1. You have someone to entertain and focus your attention on the whole time you're there. (You know, besides the other 10,000 kids swarming around you reminding you of your barrenness.)

2. Although you may not be able to jump into parenting discussions, you at least appear at first glace to be a parent, so no one asks if you have kids. And if anyone does start asking questions, you can pretend to be that overly-cautious mom and run off after your charge like she's getting into mischief.

3. Eventually the kid's parents will want her back, so you can leave whenever you want as long as you say, "I really hate to leave early, but her parents are expecting her home at __ o'clock."

4. Oh yeah, and the kid has fun too!

In case you hadn't guessed, Hubs and I brought our niece H (my brother's 2 year old) to our nieces V and J's (Hubs's brother's kids) birthday party on Saturday. And truly, it made things so much easier! I didn't have time to be sad, there were a ton of kids for H to play with and she had a great time, and an hour was the perfect amount of time to stick around - for both of us! Why didn't I think of this sooner?

It was a pretty decent weekend all around. And I topped it off by getting my highest score yet bowling last night! (145, my average starting off in this league was 105.) Now if today would get with the program and start easing up I'd have it made. Nothing like coming back to work after a three-day weekend and getting slammed!

Better now

2010-10-08T08:30:00.000-07:00

I can't thank you enough for your wonderful comments on Wednesday. This week has been really rough on me, and even though I know I can always count on you all for emotional support, I'm still amazed by your compassion. Thank you.

I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm in a pretty decent mood. On Tuesday night I had a big meltdown. It was ugly and awful and it carried into Wednesday, which was lots of fun to deal with at work. But I think it was necessary, like I was overflowing and these feelings just had to come out. And now my emotions are thankfully back to a more manageable level.

I've been wanting to share something with you - I decided to have a ring made to remember my lost little peanut. My good friend T makes amazing jewelry so we're working together on a design. I know many people use angels or butterflies or forget-me-nots, but those symbols didn't really appeal to me for a ring, and I couldn't think of any other symbols for loss or remembrance. So I googled. One image that kept coming up in my searches was the poppy, for Armistice Day. A red poppy traditionally symbolizes the bloodshed of WWI, but poppies in general have been used as a symbol of eternal repose as far back as ancient Greece and Egypt.

So I came up with a simple, vaguely abstract design for a semi-closed poppy as a copper embellishment on a silver band. I also want to incorporate a pear or teardrop-shaped ruby for two reasons: 1. I lost my baby in July and that's the birthstone for July (also my birthstone), and 2. It's similar in color and shape to a pomegranate seed, for infertility. I know it's probably hard to imagine how it's going to look, but it's pretty, I promise. T is excited to get started on it, so hopefully it won't be too long before I have it and can show you. I can't wait to have a tangible reminder of my peanut.

The bank is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I have a three-day weekend ahead of me. Tonight we're making pizza with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is T's birthday party, as well as a party for our two nieces on Hubs's side of the family. And at some point I would really like to go to that "Barren" photo exhibit I was talking about the other day too. So, busy, but not too crazy. Oh yeah, and I'm getting ready to O, so there's also that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

Observing myself...as I spiral downward

2010-10-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant. It's true. For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day. This from the girl who lives for ice cream. You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective." It sounds nicer.

The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me. Does that make any sense? Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage. I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal". How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend. Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.

But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me.  And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.

I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy. I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant.  I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not. And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself.

I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened. How else is the pain going to end? If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.

I don't know what to do anymore.  Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.

I know just how he feels.

2010-10-04T13:15:00.000-07:00

Award time!

2010-09-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Angie for this lovely award!

So the deal is I share 7 things about myself and then pass the award on to 7 other awesome bloggers. Nominating 7 bloggers isn't hard, but coming up with 7 things about myself that I haven't told you yet might be a little tricky for TMI girl here... Here goes!

1. I haven't always been a cat person. Growing up, my family always had dogs and my dad absolutely hated cats. After I moved out on my own I wanted a pet but couldn't have a dog in my apartment, so I got Atticus. Now I prefer cats, they're so much more quiet and out of the way!

2. In high school, my best friend and I wore the same size shoes, and we each owned a couple of the same pairs. So we said we were "sole mates." Nerd alert! ;)

3. I was a late bloomer. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 17, and then I was afraid to make out until I was 18, at which time I had a cute boyfriend so I got over it.

4. I'm currently in a bowling league with Hubs and my older brother, C. Our team name is Aardvark. Not "The Aardvarks" or even "Aardvarks," just plain Aardvark. That was my brother's and my doing.

5. My younger brother, A, and I used to hang out listening to comedy music - you know, like Weird Al, Adam Sandler, S.ifl & O.lly etc. Hubs still looks at me sideways when I bust out with random songs, although he's learned some from me that he sings too.

6. I've always wanted to go skydiving.

7. As a kid I used to collect rocks and polish them to a flawless shine in my rock tumbler. I had some nice ones, but have since lost them all. (Nerd alert times two!)

I now nominate 7 people I want to learn more about:

Steph
Misty
SpeechGirl, AKA My Husband Grows Cotton
Kate
Lex
Caitlin
CJ/Lookingforaplussign

Text from last night

2010-09-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

Warning: Triggs ahead...

I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.

Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)

Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.

I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.

Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.

I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).

Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.

Dear AF: GFY

2010-09-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Well you know how they say your first period after a miscarriage might be heavier than usual? I thought I sorta bypassed that by having my first period after I'd already been bleeding for 4 weeks. And I figured this is technically my 2nd period since the m/c so it shouldn't be too bad...

Boy oh boy was I wrong! I'm going through pads like they're going out of style. Unfortunately, I'm also going through PANTS like they are going out of style. Seriously. I've never destroyed a pair of pants like I did today. I had to leave work and go to T.J M.axx to replace them because I'm too far from home to go change. And do you think I could be wearing something that goes with black? Of course not! I had to get brown pants. And don't think they're some nice, dark chocolate brown pants. Nope! They're light walnut-colored pants because T.J M.axx only had about 3 different pairs of brown women's pants. So I will be running to the bathroom every 30-45 minutes to make sure I haven't destroyed this pair too.

I almost wish my cramps would get worse so I'd have an excuse to just go home!

Monday

2010-09-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

CD1 today.

Ladies, I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle, really I did. But then AF was a couple of days later than I expected, and I was having funky cramps off and on, and there were a few days in a row last week when I was a little nauseated... So who was trying not to tear up listening to Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits on the way to work this morning? This girl right here.

If someone could invent a device or drug that turns off the part of my brain that wants to get pregnant I would totally buy it. It's just too painful anymore.

What I'm doing next week

2010-09-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

Just found out about this art exhibit in town (click on the word "Barren" in the lower right). It's called "Barren: life on infertile soil." I think Hubs and I will be going to to see it on Friday. I'll be sure to let you know what I think. :)