Wednesday

Work is getting worse and worse.  I heard some "unofficial" news this morning that's turning out to be just the kick in the pants I needed to start seriously looking for a new job.  So tonight as I'm enjoying a HP double feature with Hubs, I'll also be updating my resume.  I started working here the same month Hubs and I started TTC, and I've been miserable ever since.  And more miserable with each passing year I'm here.  That's just no way to live.  So if I may ask, please send thoughts, prayers, hopes, whatever you've got, that I can find something where I'm happier and can still afford to pay the mortgage.

And in TTC news... ugh.  It's CD10 and, not surprisingly, I am in no mood to get down to business this month.  Besides that, I think my hormones have been jacked ever since my m/c.  I've got a few lovely cystic zits that haven't gone away in months and flare up even bigger when I'm PMSed.  Also, for the past 2 or 3 months I've been spotting after AF for days.  For example, I am still spotting today.  Day TEN, people!  WTF.  So my acu gave me some herbs that are supposed to balance out my hormones and make the spotting stop.  I can only hope. 

Oh - Did I tell you about the status of my ring?  It was kind of on hold while I attempted to procure a stone, which I finally did last week.  I ended up getting a trillion-cut blue topaz.  Pretty much nothing like I was originally planning (pear-shaped ruby), but there's a reason for that.  I've been seeing poppies everywhere since I decided to use that flower as a symbol for my loss (P.S. did you notice the background on my blog is poppies? I had no idea until recently).  Then I happened across a gorgeous image of a bright blue poppy, which was the inspiration for the little image I made over on the right.  I'm in love with just about every shade of blue, so I decided to go with a blue poppy for my symbol of remembrance rather than red.  It just felt more personally meaningful.  Anyway, so my friend T now has my stone and can get started making my ring!

Okay I feel much better adding that last paragraph, otherwise this post was getting seriously depressing. 

Happy Hump Day, all.  And happy Hanukkah to all those celebrating it :)

More on "Barren"

I know I said I wouldn't be posting about IF for a bit, but I couldn't not tell you that last night I received a personal email from Monica Wiesblott, the artist from the Barren exhibit!  I'd left my email address and blog URL in the guestbook, and to my surprise she recognized me from ICLW and has actually been by here before.  (I have to admit, I was as excited as if I'd been recognized by a movie star!)  I'm so pleased to be able to follow Monica on her infertility blog now!

I'm also very pleased to tell you that the exhibit is online!  (Prepare for major trigs if you decide to check it out.)  I don't know how I missed that before, but now that I have the link I'm going to be spreading it around wherever I can.  It's such a powerful depiction of what it means to be infertile and to have suffered loss, and like I said in her guestbook, Monica is a very brave woman for baring her soul to the world in this way.

Thanks again to Monica!
Happy Hump Day :)

Better now

I can't thank you enough for your wonderful comments on Wednesday.  This week has been really rough on me, and even though I know I can always count on you all for emotional support, I'm still amazed by your compassion.  Thank you.

I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm in a pretty decent mood.  On Tuesday night I had a big meltdown.  It was ugly and awful and it carried into Wednesday, which was lots of fun to deal with at work.  But I think it was necessary, like I was overflowing and these feelings just had to come out.  And now my emotions are thankfully back to a more manageable level.

I've been wanting to share something with you - I decided to have a ring made to remember my lost little peanut.  My good friend T makes amazing jewelry so we're working together on a design.  I know many people use angels or butterflies or forget-me-nots, but those symbols didn't really appeal to me for a ring, and I couldn't think of any other symbols for loss or remembrance.  So I googled.  One image that kept coming up in my searches was the poppy, for Armistice Day.  A red poppy traditionally symbolizes the bloodshed of WWI, but poppies in general have been used as a symbol of eternal repose as far back as ancient Greece and Egypt.

So I came up with a simple, vaguely abstract design for a semi-closed poppy as a copper embellishment on a silver band.  I also want to incorporate a pear or teardrop-shaped ruby for two reasons: 1. I lost my baby in July and that's the birthstone for July (also my birthstone), and 2. It's similar in color and shape to a pomegranate seed, for infertility.  I know it's probably hard to imagine how it's going to look, but it's pretty, I promise.  T is excited to get started on it, so hopefully it won't be too long before I have it and can show you.  I can't wait to have a tangible reminder of my peanut.

The bank is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I have a three-day weekend ahead of me.  Tonight we're making pizza with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is T's birthday party, as well as a party for our two nieces on Hubs's side of the family.  And at some point I would really like to go to that "Barren" photo exhibit I was talking about the other day too.  So, busy, but not too crazy.  Oh yeah, and I'm getting ready to O, so there's also that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

Observing myself...as I spiral downward

People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant.  It's true.  For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day.  This from the girl who lives for ice cream.  You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective."  It sounds nicer.

The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me.  Does that make any sense?  Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage.  I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal".  How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend.  Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.

But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me.  And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.

I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy.  I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant.  I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not.  And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself. 

I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened.  How else is the pain going to end?  If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.

I don't know what to do anymore.  Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.

Text from last night

Warning: Triggs ahead...

I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.

Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)

Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.

I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.

Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.

I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).

Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.

Whine and wine

Yesterday Hubs and I had dinner with my family at my parents' house. I was in a decent enough mood, but I had one of those moments when I really felt out of place. Four of my nieces and nephews were running around the backyard, with my sister and brother leading a conversation about pregnancy and parenthood. Meanwhile Hubs and I were sitting 10 feet away looking at each other with nothing to contribute and a burning desire to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. Sigh... Score another point for infertility - driving wedges between family members since 830 B.C.

Not helping matters: Today is CD22 (about 8DPO), and I just know AF will be visiting this weekend. I really wasn't holding out much hope for this C, but I'm bummed. Very bummed. Ugh... This is still so damn hard.

Hubs and I had a very nice long weekend, though. Our trip to wine country was perfect, and we had a great time wine tasting on Friday. We booked a shuttle and wound up hitting it off with two other couples in our van, so we spent most of the day with them. We also got to spend some time with one of Hubs's good friends and his girlfriend on Thursday evening. And guess what? No one talked about kids or babies the whole trip. We got back early Saturday afternoon and spent most of the weekend just hanging out at home. It was nice and relaxing.

Seeing as we're now completely broke, it's time to quit having fun and get back to work on the house. We still (always!) have a ton to do, so that will be the focus of our weekends for the next... however long. But I'm excited to get stuff done, our little bungalow will look so much more finished and homey.

Almost time for acupuncture. Fingers crossed it does the trick and pulls me out of my funk today.

Sick of me yet?

Three posts in one day, you must be sick of me! I'll try to be quick, promise.

A little update on the bleeding - I was freaking myself out with the horror stories I found by googling things like, "heavy bleeding 2 weeks after D&C," so I decided to call the doctor back. I needed to get the results of my last blood test anyway. Well good news, my hcg is down to 8! Thank God. I'll be retesting in 2 weeks. So then I asked the nurse about the bleeding and she said basically the same thing the other chick told me: as long as I'm not going through more than a pad an hour it's considered normal, everyone is different, there's no time frame to go by, etc. Then she asked if this is around the time my period would normally be starting.

...Well, yeah... actually it's exactly that time. But I thought that was impossible; how could I have even ovulated when I've been bleeding for the past month? She told me it's possible. Now I'm thinking this actually does kinda feel like AF... maybe...?

Well, it does no good speculating, but if I stop bleeding in the next several days I'm going to take that as GAME ON. It's been over a month since I miscarried (and according to the pathology report from the D&C - the stuff they removed was not part of the "products of conception," just my own gunk stuck in there, so turns out the miscarriage was complete after taking those pills); I think that's long enough.

This is my life

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...

Someone please make the bleeding stop!

The weekend was a nice break, which I appreciated very much (thank you, Mother Nature!), but since yesterday morning it's been worse than it was all last week. Almost like a regular period - cramps, heavier bleeding, feeling light-headed, etc. I did call the doctor this morning and they say this is "normal."

It doesn't seem "normal" to me.

Granted, I'm not going through pads at an alarming rate, and I haven't needed to take anything for the cramps, but SERIOUSLY? How can there even be this much blood in there??

Oy.

In other news... eh, there isn't any. I should probably eat lunch. Maybe that would help with the light-headedness, huh? (And maybe the moodiness too!)

Going to need a transfusion

Seriously, how is it possible to bleed for three and a half weeks and not die?

I was so excited that I only had some light spotting on Friday and Saturday after my D&C. I thought, surely the god of all reproductive organs has taken pity on me and decided to relieve me of my suffering.

Hahaha!!! Right! Turns out the god of all reproductive organs is a huge tease because the blood is a-flowin' once more. No, I don't really need a transfusion, it's not that heavy, but it does suck! I used to have a sex life! I didn't used to need to buy stock in non-chlorine-bleached pads! I used to be able to go to bed sans undies!

Lord love a duck. :P

Following up

The D&C went off without a hitch. I felt pretty woozy all day yesterday, but no real pain, thankfully. Amazingly I haven't seen much blood today. Maybe 3 weeks of bleeding was enough? I hope so. Other than that I feel pretty much fine. A little tired, but no pain at all.

Today is my niece H's 2nd birthday party. Last year, at her 1st bday, I had a little meltdown. Hubs wasn't there with me, and today he's at work again, so as you can imagine I'm not really all that excited about going. Plus my SIL is going on 8 months pg which may be a bit tough to take today. The party started an hour and a half ago and I'm still not completely dressed, nor have I yet purchased a gift. You see how this is going already.

My brother told me today he thinks I'm strong. Hubs has said that too. I don't feel strong at all, I pretty much feel like a wreck most of the time; I'm just going through the motions, doing what I have to do. I am definitely depressed. Still not sure what comes next, not that I have to be right now, I just have this feeling lately like I want to run far away from everything. Wish I could.

Closing the book

I will be getting the D&C tomorrow morning at 11:00. The same amount of tissue that showed up on the u/s last week was still there this week, so it's time to get it out.

On the one hand I am relieved. Very relieved. My body can finally start going back to normal and I won't have this reminder anymore. I can hopefully start moving forward. I've never wanted a regular C ending with a regular visit from AF so much in my life. On the other hand, and this is going to sound really stupid, but - I know my pregnancy has been over for weeks now, but this is so official. I'm just a little emotional I guess.

Anyway, that's it. Wish me luck.

Remnants

Okay, I'm calm now. Sorry about that little breakdown on Friday, and thanks for understanding.

I had my gyn appointment this morning, and apparently the tissue that's left is in my cervix. I was a little proud of myself because when I was watching the u/s screen last week I thought it looked pretty low, but the tech didn't say anything about where it was. So yeah, it's in my cervix. The doc was actually able to get a little bit out this morning. He said it does look like it's coming out on its own, albeit slowly, and he doesn't think it will take much longer, but seeing as it's been almost three weeks already, that I have the option of a D&C. So I'm going for yet another u/s on Wednesday and if it's not a lot closer to "done" at that point, then D&C on Friday.

I'm okay with this plan. I don't particularly want to get a D&C if it's not necessary, and who knows, a few more days might be enough time for this thing to pass on its own. The work schedule is going to be crazy enough with one employee out all day Wednesday, and another whose grandfather isn't doing well, so the fewer days I'm gone the better.

The TTC part of my brain is pretty much turned off right now. Yes, I want this miscarriage to be over with and I want my body to be back to normal - but just for my own peace of mind. Not because I'm in any hurry to move on to the next cycle and get back to trying. In fact, I don't even want to think about trying. It's just too much work. Maybe subconsciously I don't mind waiting until Friday for the D&C because it means I'll have that much more time to not think about TTC and what comes next.

FML

So I just had my follow up u/s, and for fuck's sake there's still a sac in my uterus. Really???? After hours (days?) of the most torturous pain I've ever experienced, none of the freakishly huge clots I passed was even the sac??? For the love of God, can't this PLEASE just be over yet??? PLEASE???

The u/s tech sent the images to my doctor's office right away so I could call, and guess what? No physicians in the office this afternoon!! So I have to wait until Monday morning to find out what comes next. I am assuming a D&C is in my near future. Wonderful.

Ugh. I feel a little sick.

I repeat: FML.

Now I have to go get my nails done so I can be a pretty bridesmaid (with a zit the size of my ass on my chin) tomorrow.

(Sorry for the gratuitous swearing.)

Forgetful, sad and angry (In other words, I'm a barrel of monkeys!)

My poor little melon is having a rough go of it lately. I simply can't seem to remember anything, and on top of that my thoughts are even more of a jumbled mess than usual. It's really irritating and I have a feeling it's going to get me into trouble.

It almost did today, actually. I completely forgot, even though I reminded myself several times, to bring T's bow bouquet to work with me so she'd have it for her rehearsal this afternoon! Luckily hubs got my voicemail and is bringing it to work with him (we work near each other, but far from home, and the wedding venue is even farther from home) so I won't look like a total idiot at the rehearsal. Thank God! For a minute there I thought I'd have to run to the drugstore for bows and paper plates to try to re-create the thing.

Since most of my time lately is spent doing and thinking about wedding stuff, I haven't been talking very much about my feelings about my miscarriage. And I definitely still have feelings; don't think I'm trying to be "strong." I could probably talk about it forever, but people don't want to hear about sad things. But I'm going through it. I cry almost every day. I get choked up thinking about it and whenever someone who knows asks me how I'm doing I have to blink away the tears. I can't concentrate. It really fucking sucks. Speaking of which, the anger is starting to make its appearance now too. Seriously, what the hell??? A miscarriage after infertility is one of the sickest jokes Mother Nature can play.

Ugh... I don't know what to say. There's not enough room in my brain to hold all the thoughts and fears and emotions that are in there. I can't give them all equal attention. No wonder I can't remember a damn thing!

Oh P.S., I am still bleeding freely after 2 weeks. I hope these herbs start working and I'm not one of those women who bleeds for 6 weeks straight. I am OVER wearing pads!

Checking in

Here I am, back at work. It's hard answering questions like, "How was your vacation?" People get confused when you try to smile and say, "It was okay," while willing the tears not to well up in your eyes. The tears really throw them off. But short answers keep most people from asking anything more probing, so there's that.

I will say it's definitely better to be at work surrounded by people than at home alone. Luckily Monday was the only day that happened. Hubs had Tuesday off and we got out of the house for some shopping, and my friend B was off yesterday so the two of us did some more shopping. Retail therapy is a wonderful thing. Of course I don't actually feel any better, but at least I can be miserable in a brand-new sweater today (yes, it is still sweater weather here. Endless Bummer, we're calling it). And heck, today may be my Monday, but the weekend is right around the corner. Check me out, all looking at the bright side and stuff.

So yep. I'm doing okay. I'm here. I've been trying to keep from torturing myself by thinking back on sad things, and am not ready to figure out what comes next yet. So for now I'm just here. And I guess that's okay.