Nerves of mush

I hate waking up feeling stressed, and this morning I felt stressed times three.

1. Work stress.  I almost always wake up with butterflies because I dread the workday and today was no exception.  It's the last day before conversion - this weekend we'll be switching the information and processing of one of our newly-acquired institutions over to our bank's systems.  I have a ton to do today, and my department and I will be back at work most of the day tomorrow to finish the conversion.  Next week should be exceptionally crazy, but I'm trying hard to just take this whole thing one day at a time.

2. My women's group.  We're holding an event tonight to celebrate the end of the first quarter of the year and the beginning of the second.  The idea is to look back and celebrate how much we've each accomplished in our lives since the beginning of the year, and to look ahead at what we hope to accomplish over the next three months.  I'm just nervous because as co-founders, A and I are going to be facilitating the first part of the evening (the second part is just socializing), and that kind of thing always makes me nervous!  I know it will be fine, and fun, once it gets underway, but until then - did I mention?  I'm nervous!!

3. Aunt Flo.  Ugh.  I'm not sure what CD I'm on because I forgot to mark last month's visit on my calendar.  And I'm making myself crazy wondering when I'm going to start.  I don't have any pregnancy symptoms, but that's not stopping my mind from sticking more firmly on that thought every day that goes by with nary a spot.  And then last night I was crampy, and I swore it felt like the stretchy, tight cramps I felt right before my positive test last summer.  Ugh.  I'll probably start today, but on the extremely remote chance I don't, I'm not testing until Sunday because ain't no way in hell I'm testing tomorrow morning before coming in to work.

Whew.  Okay I have to buckle down and get some work done.  I've got a long couple of days ahead of me!

To my limit

I think I'm skipping 10 on Tuesday today.  I'm just not feeling it.

I had a great weekend with the exception of having to work on Saturday.  My home life has been pretty fantastic lately.  I think after almost 4 years of marriage Hubs and I are finally starting to understand each other and express ourselves better.  We're fighting less, we are more patient with each other, and we're more giving of ourselves.  I like this.

If only my work life was so wonderful.  I've been going nonstop for about 4 months straight now, and although the sudden tearful outbursts in my cubicle have subsided, I know I'm still stretched too thin.  What really sucks is between all the extracurricular activities I have going on and generally not wanting to sit in front of a computer after I get home, I haven't been looking for a new job.  I still get a couple of emails a day with job alerts, but I haven't applied for anything in weeks.  There's really not much out there anyway, which makes it even more frustrating - knowing the one thing I could do to help myself right now probably won't help.

I guess I'm back to feeling STUCK.  I don't know what to do.  I think about a career change and taking a certification program of some kind, but what?  And how do I afford that?  And where do I find time to do that in addition to everything else?  I don't have any answers.

Then there's the safety net option of trying to take a stress leave.  Though I know that would be the nail in the coffin for me at work.  Not that I want to stay here, but it means I'd have to find a new job while I was on leave because no one would respect me at work after I came back.  They might even find a way to fire me.  These thoughts freak me out at first glance, but when I imagine them actually happening the truth is I don't really care.  It would almost be a relief.  As long as I don't quit or get fired for cause I could take unemployment and Hubs and I would find a way to make it work.

My thoughts on the matter change daily based on my mood and state of mind, and today I'm leaning towards stress leave.  It wouldn't hurt to just ask my doctor her thoughts, right?  I think I'm going to call and make an appointment today.  At least that would be something that could potentially help me out of this mess.

Nervous Nelly

I woke up this morning with a stomach ache.  That's pretty much par for the course lately, although for the past several days I've been feeling less anxious than usual.  All good things must come to an end though, and the butterflies came back about 30 minutes before my alarm went off.  Perfect timing!  The stupid thing is the things that disrupt my sleep and make me want to yak are usually really small.  For example:

I decided last night that Hubs and I would join my siblings in a trip to San Diego this Sunday for my grandma's birthday.  I haven't seen her in... well, I'm ashamed to admit how long considering she only lives about 3 hours away.  There's no excuse.  But this Sunday is also the first Sunday of the month, which is the day my immediate family usually gets together for dinner at my parents' house.  Which we haven't done in months.  And my parents tend to take it really personally when we can't make it, even if the reason is the birthday of one of their parents.  So I'll call my mom tonight and let her know, and hopefully she'll decide that she and my dad will come down to SD for grandma's birthday too and solve that problem.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this, but I do.

The ladies are coming to my place tonight for our bi-monthly meeting.  I'm not really worried about it, but it does cause a certain amount of anxiety.  I'll have about an hour after I get home to straighten up, de-cat-hair as much as possible, put out the drinks and decide what to say for my toast.  And I would have come to work early so I could leave early, but I have to help the new hire do end of day... only she called in sick today.  Oh, Murphy and your law!  You got me again.

Before I left work last night my boss told me (again, which is nice) great job, and that she might have something for me today depending on how our projects are going.  Well, with the new hire here and it being the time of the month when I have to do my bajillion reports, I haven't had much time to work on the projects.  I'm not worried that I won't get my "something," whatever it may be, I'm worried the status of my projects won't be acceptable and she'll find out I'm not really the amazing employee she thinks I am.

Last but not least, as I was contemplating all these things while going through my morning routine, I realized that exactly one week from today is March 10th.  My EDD.  And oh yeah, I'm supposed to start my period that day.  Fuck. 

And this is why I have a prescription for Xanax.  Thank God for pharmaceuticals.

Meditation

Is meditation one of those things where people think you're a crystal-toting new-age hippie if you do it? Because I've been hesitant to talk about it, but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Let the record show that I don't believe in the healing power of crystals, and I don't even own a pair of Birkenstocks, nor have I ever. (I'd much rather sport a hot pair of stilettos any day!) And although I admit to lighting incense on occasion, it's for air-freshening purposes rather than... I don't know - whatever new-age hippies use it for.

Apologies to any new-age hippies who might be reading this!

Was I going somewhere with this? Oh yeah. Back to meditation.

Anyway, I've been thinking about it for a while. Specifically, that I'd like to learn how to do it, you know, to help me manage stress and give me a better outlook and that kind of thing. I've done it once, sort of by accident, and it was an incredibly peaceful, wonderful experience that I want to recapture. But it's hard trying to get my brain to be quiet!

Yesterday I tried. I sat myself down on the couch, closed my eyes and got to it. I did pretty well for the first 15-20 minutes, trying to just concentrate on one word and my breathing. For a while I thought I was getting there. I felt very relaxed. Atticus jumped up next to me and then started attacking the arm of the couch, but it didn't faze me. A few more minutes passed and my neck started hurting. I stretched it a little. It kept hurting. I tried to ignore it. Then I peeked to see if the cat was still in the room. He wasn't, but he was standing in the hallway staring at me. I shut my eyes again. I wondered if it would help to contemplate the burning candle across from me. I tried. It didn't help. Finally after 40 minutes my phone rang and I gave up!

But not gave up gave up. I'll try again, I think it takes practice.

Brain smorgasbord

Whoa lordy!! Things are getting crazy for this girl lately and I'm trying to keep everything running smoothly. Or even just running.

Our trip to the Central Coast was really fun, and we had a great time with our friends. They live in a college town that holds a big farmer's market on Thursday evenings, so we went downtown for that. I always forget how good (and cheap!) the produce is at farmer's markets, hopefully we can start going to the one in our town. Anyway, hubs and I went wine tasting all day on Friday, and then back to our friends' place for dinner... and more drinks! And Yahtzee! And Scrabble! LOL It was really fun but of course I felt like death warmed over the next day. We thought about staying an extra night and making a trip to the hot springs, but in the end we wanted to spend the last day of our time off at home. Which we did - and spent the entire day Sunday working on our backyard planters! They're looking really nice now, I'll have to post some before and after shots so you can see the progress.

The backyard's going to be getting a lot of use in the next couple weeks. We have Beer Fest coming up on Memorial Day weekend, and then my friend A's bridal shower will be held there the following Sunday. Did I mention my friend T's shower is the day before A's? Luckily A's sister and other bridesmaids are doing the majority of the planning for hers, as I've been totally wrapped up in T's. I have to say, I did not count on the amount of stress all this planning would cause me! Between auditors, testing, and training at work, the two showers, the backyard work, Beer Fest, my anniversary trip, and of course TTC, I'm just about to my breaking point!

I'm trying to woo-sah my stress away, and am still enjoying using C+B (although I forgot to do it the 3 days we were out of town). Like I said, the meditation and guided visualization are really good. I'm having kind of a hard time with the relaxation though. I get to a certain level and then my brain tries to kick in, my thoughts wander, etc. I just can't seem to get to that deeper level of relaxation. Hopefully it will get easier with practice; I think it will.

My acu has moved me to an every-other-week schedule instead of every week, since money was getting tight. He actually told me at my last appt that he doesn't really think I'm infertile, and it caught me so off guard I didn't think to ask him what he meant by that. My guess is he wants hubs to get another SA, but this time by a specialist. He doesn't have a lot of faith in the test labs that most doctors' offices use. I do need to hurry up and find an RE, but here's the deal: My insurance covers 50% of IF testing, but hubs isn't on my insurance. (I don't think his covers anything regarding IF.) I'm obviously going to be limited in my choice of doctors under my insurance, and since it only covers half of testing, and nothing for treatments, cost is still a big concern. So I guess I'm kind of dragging my feet in seeing an RE because I don't know where to start! Hubs keeps telling me to "research" some doctors, but it's not like I can call and ask how much they charge for tests and procedures! I mean, I can, but they're not going to tell me that. Ugh... Help? What would you do?

Sorry this is such a meandering post, it's a pretty good representation of my brain lately though! I will leave you with this thought: Neil Pa.tric.k Ha.rris is on G.lee tonight, and I do believe there's going to be a flashback scene in which he sports a mullet. Just go ahead and let that marinate for a while!

March (and April, May, June, July & August) Madness

As you're aware (or at least, as I've mentioned before, since it would be rather presumptuous of me to expect you to remember every minute detail that I post about my life), I'm a bridesmaid in 2 upcoming weddings, both of which are in August, 2 weeks apart.

In case you didn't know, that means both of these weddings are a mere 5 months away.

It's funny, when one is asked to be a bridesmaid in one wedding, one realizes that there are certain obligations that go along with the honor - the dress, the hair, the parties, the gifts - and all of these obligations require preparation, planning and of course, money. But when one is asked, one thinks of all of these things as taking place in the fuzzy, abstract future. And one is apt to think one will have plenty of time to "save up" for these expenses.

When one is asked to be a bridesmaid in a second wedding, one is so excited that one was asked once again (should I knock it off with the "ones" now? Gotcha, will do) - Ahem - I was (and still am) so excited and honored to be asked, that, although I did realize my expenditures will now be doubled, as will the fullness of my schedule in the coming months, I was willing, even eager, to overlook the obvious stress that being in two weddings, two weeks apart, will doubtless create.

Well, the madness has officially begun and the blinders are OFF. Of course I'm still just as happy to be a part of both weddings, only now I'm a bit stressed too. (Did I mention that between now and August we're also invited to three other weddings and a Bat Mitzvah? Or that almost every member of my local family, including myself, will be celebrating birthdays too?) I'm going to have to get myself a planner because I have a feeling the next few months are going to be pure, uncut Colombian insanity, and with my shoddy memory I'm likely to forget to attend a bridal shower or rehearsal dinner or to wish my husband a happy anniversary or something.

In fact, I think I might just pick one up on my lunch break. And right after that I'll be using office hours to find a very inexpensive location to host an engagement party in 3 weeks... That's totally doable, right??

Stupid OPKs and my stupid brain

After Sunday's OPK, I really thought yesterday I'd get a big ol' positive, but NOPE. It was about the same as Sunday, although maybe showing up a little slower. Oy. It seems unlikely that I would have gone from a blaring negative on Friday to a definite positive on Saturday (when I forgot to POAS) but now I'm stressing that I might have missed it. BUT! What can I do? We DTD on Sunday and last night regardless, and I guess I'll just have to wait and see what today throws at me. Don't you just love this TTC game???

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Not too long ago I took some quiz on FB called something like, "are you right-brained or left-brained?" My results were exactly 50/50, and one of the things the explanation of my results said was that I probably have a hard time making decisions because I tend to consider all sides of my choices equally. And okay, I know a FB quiz isn't very likely to give me insight into the depths of my soul or anything, but in this case I think there was a lot of truth to it. For one, yes, my entire life I've had a hard time making decisions, even seemingly simple ones - like, what should I make for dinner tonight? Ridiculous, right?

Well, maybe it's ridiculous but it causes me a TON of stress that I can't make up my mind about stuff. For example, I managed to decide, after a couple weeks of thinking about it, that I wouldn't attend hubs's cousin's bridal shower this Saturday. Hubs was gone most of last week, and I'm going to be gone all next weekend, so I wanted to spend this Saturday and Sunday with him. Okay good, problem solved! But then last night my brother texts me and says it's my grandma's birthday on Saturday and did I want to drive the 3 hours with him and my 18 month old niece to go visit her? D'oh! Yes, of course I want to see my grams, but hubs can't come along because he's working until 1:30, and if I go we won't be home until 9:00 so I wouldn't be able to spend ANY time with him that day. On the other hand, I feel guilty that I haven't seen my grandma since her birthday last year. On the THIRD hand (yeah, welcome to my brain), my cousins will be there with their 1 year old baby too and, well, you know how that is.

Guilt is a major source of my stress and anxiety, and I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. So I can't decide which is the right vs. wrong choice. I woke up feeling totally anxious, my mind was racing as I got ready for work, and I started crying when I talked to hubs (or rather TRIED to, as spoken words don't come to me nearly as easily as written) about everything that was going through my head. It's overwhelming and I don't know how to make it stop! Thank goodness I still have my Rx for Xa.nax. I am leaning towards not going, but I just wish I could have some peace with that decision.

Sorry, I know this is all so lame. How about I get a REAL problem or something? ;) I just had to let it out!

Learning to manage my stress

On my way home from work yesterday I suddenly remembered a summer day from years and years ago. I was driving around with a couple of friends, going nowhere in particular. We ended up cruising down this road on the outskirts of town that wound for a few miles between two hills. I remember taking in the sun and grass and flowers and trees, and enjoying the simple beauty of the moment.

And you know what? I can't remember a time in the past two years when I felt the same way.

Between my job and infertility, I've been feeling some level of anxiety almost constantly for two whole years. I get those yucky butterflies in my stomach on a daily basis. I have more headaches now than I ever used to. My "core" muscles and shoulders are perpetually tense. And I'm starting to get wrinkles in my forehead from the look of worry that's permanently plastered to my face.

The wrinkles are really the last straw.

I know I've said it before, but I'm trying to manage my stress better. It's a tad overwhelming when the stress is so pervasive, though, and I still haven't quite figured out how to get it under control. But I'm learning some things that work for me. For one, it helps that hubs and I have been busier during the week. I internalize everything, so the more I stay out of my own head the better. I've also been keeping up pretty well with my 100 Pushups, 200 Situps and 200 Squats regimens, and that helps too, probably because I'm so exhausted by the time I finish a workout that I don't have the energy to worry. (I see a really nice difference in my arms, waist and thighs, too! That definitely helps!)

One reason I'm looking forward to acupuncture is that I keep reading it produces a sense of well-being. Even if it doesn't help my fertility, I'll count it as a success if I feel more at ease afterwards. I also decided that for Valentine's Day hubs and I are going to hire his aunt, who's a professional masseuse, to come over and give us each an hour massage. We don't normally do much to celebrate VDay, but this year I think we've both earned it! And maybe I can talk him into letting me (or both of us) get regular massages every month or two. :)

For me, persistence is definitely key. I need to remember that staying active and busy actually helps me feel less stressed. Sitting on the couch watching the boob tube for hours on end does NOT. It's hard for a lazy person like me to get disciplined! But hopefully it'll pay off in the end and I'll be able to enjoy life a little bit more. Even if I don't have everything I want.