Putting myself in check

As per my usual Monday outlook, this morning I was feeling pretty blue.  I read through a few blogs and felt even more blue.  I realized I'm feeling a little out of place in the IF blogging community, since I'm not exactly working towards building my family at this time, and I'm not doing much to help the IF community either.  Meanwhile my bloggy buddies continue to TTC and graduate into pregnancy and parenthood, Bust Myths for NIAW, and support one another with enthusiasm.  I questioned my reasons for continuing to blog here, and wondered whether it was time to close up shop.  Then I read Mel's awesome post about the IF divide, and I realized how self-centered I've been.

In my women's group we talk quite a bit about being generous rather than judgmental in our thoughts, approaching people with an attitude of compassion and kindness, and generally making an effort to think the best of others.  But, my friends, I haven't been doing a very good job of that. 

Those of you who are pregnant may have noticed I rarely comment on your blogs nowadays.  I've even stopped following some bloggers because I couldn't handle the content of their posts.  On FB, I regularly block friends for sharing (okay, yes sometimes oversharing) about their pregnancies, babies and children.  Even my IF friends.  True, I need to do what's best for my emotional and mental well-being, but I also don't want to be that person.  The one who completely ditches the people who've supported me through my darkest hours just because I have days where I don't have the emotional fortitude to look at baby bump photos or read about fetal heart rates.

In her post, Mel explains that the women lucky enough to have made it across the chasm that divides the IFers still waiting for their miracle from those who've held their babies in their arms truly haven't forgotten the pain and longing that the rest of us still endure.  In my bitterness I've built this imaginary wall between "us" (the childless) and "them" (the lucky moms).  I built the wall because I didn't want to see their happiness for fear it would increase my own sadness, but I realize now that's completely backwards.  Once upon a time I almost made it to the other side myself, and for a few weeks I had a taste of the feelings that grads experience.  It was something like equal parts joy, guilt, gratitude, and a deep desire for everyone else still waiting in the wings to have their turn to feel that exhilaration.  I wanted nothing more than to be able to take everyone else by the hand who were still waiting, and pull them across that chasm to the other side with me.  The truth is, I'm the one who forgot what that felt like.

Who am I to believe I know how easy it is for those on the other side of the IF divide to forget their struggle to get there?  And who am I to begrudge them of their joy over making it to the other side?  Acting and thinking negatively only encourages more negativity in myself, and separating myself from others' happiness doesn't increase my own happiness, it decreases it.  I'm not saying I should ignore my own needs and well-being and force myself to be happy when I'd really rather curl up under the covers and cry.  I'm certainly entitled to my bad days.  But if I want to be a happier, less judgmental person (and I do), I need to practice being understanding and compassionate in my actions, words and thoughts more often than I practice bitterness.

I suppose in a way I'm busting a myth that's personal to me for NIAW - the one that says I have to be a Bitter Infertile.  I'm ready to make the effort to remove the word "bitter" from that title.  I'm sorry I let my own hang-ups keep me from being as supportive to some of you as you've been to me.

Friday randomness

Has anyone ever been so relieved for a Friday to finally roll around?? I haven't in a long time! What a week; I'm more than glad to see it go! Just over an hour now, and it will officially be the weekend...

What are your plans for this weekend? It looks like it's going to be sunny here, though not quite as warm as I'd like. This chilly weather is lasting way longer than usual. I'm tired of sweaters and ready for tank tops! Hurry up, summer!

Tomorrow, hubs and I are going to my niece's Bat Mitzvah. We're really excited since we've never been to any kind of Mitzvah before (although I'm a bit sad my little niecey is a teenager already! *Sniff*). Of course the luncheon and dancing portion of the day will be fun, but I'm really interested to see what the service will be like. I'm looking forward to it.

Sunday we'll be doing yard work... again! We really need to get a move on, there's still a lot to do before Beer Fest. Hopefully it will be warm enough to get a little sun too, my pasty skin needs some color!

I've been thinking about writing a What IF, but I've just had no inspiration. I would really like to do it, but I want what I write to be genuine, not forced. But I'm also running out of time! If I do it at all it will have to be today. Maybe I'll try to sit down with a glass of wine when I get home and see if that helps. Wine is usually pretty good for inspiration ;)

I know I've been slacking on commenting this week, and I'm sorry. I have been reading everyone's blogs faithfully, though. I'll pick it up from now on, promise!

Happy Friday!

It's NIAW!

For some reason I feel like yelling, "Happy NIAW, everyone!!" But don't worry, I will restrain myself.

I just got done posting this status on my FB (shamelessly plagiarized from Angie's comment on Busted Plumbing):

"Today starts National Infertility Awareness Week. Nearly 7.3 million people in the U.S. struggle with infertility, are you one of them? Talk to me. If not, check out resolve.org/takecharge for tips and suggestions on how to be supportive, because 1 in 8 is someone you know."

I've been out of the IF closet for some time, but I try not to make too big a deal out of it. Mostly because I figure people get tired of hearing my sob story, and I have you ladies to whine to! But honestly, I really like the idea of being "out," trying to educate people, and building support for the IF community in whatever small way I can. NIAW gives me an excuse to be as vocal as I want about my struggles, and in a way that's pretty liberating.

If you're "in the closet" I encourage you to consider coming out as well. Yes, I have encountered a few vocally ignorant people, but on the whole I've gained MUCH more support than I ever thought possible, from some very unexpected places. And I've had more opportunities to spread the truth about IF, which will hopefully help someone else, even if I never get to meet them.

I won't yell it, but at an appropriately indoor-level volume I do wish you a Happy NIAW!