Wasn't counting on the melancholia

Three more days until AF is due.

I'm not really hopeful about this C. I'm not being pessimistic or negative about it, I just don't expect it to be the one. Like, at all. Of course, I pretty much never expect any given cycle to be the one. I don't know why that doesn't stop me from scrutinizing every twinge, ache, and swollen body part though.

Okay, maybe I am being a little pessimistic...

Confession: For the past few months during the 2WW I catch myself staring at my reflection in the mirror right before I get in the shower, looking for some kind of sign. Then I get disgusted with myself and think, "That's ridiculous. Kitty doesn't get pregnant." (Don't ask why I refer to myself in the third person when I think that.) I'm a pessimist by nature. I learned at a young age that if I don't get my hopes up too high I can't be too let down. And on the flip side, I can be pleasantly surprised if things do happen to go my way. For some reason, though, it's much harder when it comes to TTC to convince myself that each cycle is another flop. Maybe that's a good thing; it might suck worse to be a total pessimist than to have a little hope from time to time.

At this point, I'm just awaiting the lap. I feel like I've put all my eggs into the endo basket, and if it turns out I don't have it I'll probably be disappointed to continue floundering around in the "unexplained" category. I just want to find out what's wrong, and get it fixed. Why is that so difficult? Oh yeah, because I'm pretty much trying to figure it out all on my own. My doctors are nice when I see them, but since I can't afford to see an RE I don't have anyone leading me through my options. Hubs and I still have some time to figure out what to do insurance-wise though, so maybe that will change. We definitely can't afford the plan that covers IUI, but there are one or two that cover diagnosis, which is better than nothing, as long as the price is right.

Well, this was a pretty depressing post for a Friday, sorry about that! I didn't intend it to be so dismal; I didn't even realize this was weighing on me until I started typing.

So quick change of subject: Plans for the weekend! I've got to make my Halloween costume - some kind of zombie pinup/short-dress-wearing slut (not too slutty though). We're going to a party tomorrow night and we decided to go cheap and make our costumes this year. No idea yet what hubs is going to be, so if you have any suggestions, by all means share! Here's to a great weekend, everyone :)

Mrs. Moody

I don't know what was wrong with me last night, but I was in a terrible mood.

Wait - scratch that. I do know what was wrong.

In the spirit of education, I wandered over to the Endo Support board on WMD and found a post linking to a website called The An.gry Uter.us. If you've never seen it, pretty much it's exactly what it sounds like. It's about endo, and it sounds like it's written by a person who's really angry about it. I'm sure some/a lot/most? of the information on there might be true, but it REALLY freaked me out. It got me thinking that if I have it a LAP it won't help me get pregnant. That I have to immediately cut out all wheat, dairy, red meat and sugar from my diet. And that I need to spend a crapload of money and travel to the ends of the earth to find an endo excision specialist because a regular gyn surgeon just isn't going to cut it (pardon the pun).

Luckily, hubs talked me off of my ledge enough that I decided to modify my googling to just "pregnancy success rates after lap." Much less scary! I found a very lovely medical site with a handy-dandy Q/A-with-the-doctor page. Said doctor quoted the pg success rates after a lap to be between 40 and 65% depending on the severity of the endo, given that all lesions that can be removed are. As far as the diet goes, I am starting to re-evaluate my eating habits, and am making better decisions already. I figure I'll ask my doctor about it and then decide whether I need to follow it implicitly.

I felt better after finding that Q/A page, but I guess that freak-out just ruined my day. I went home in a foul mood, with a tense neck, and for some reason a scratchy throat. Hubs called when he left work and I snapped at him. Then I rolled up a towel under my neck and laid on the floor until he came home, and when he did, he brought roses! Seriously, there's no way I deserve this guy. He then proceeded to take care of me, got me some EmergenC and echinacea in case I was getting sick, and a Xan.ax to help calm me down. And then we watched the Dodgers-Cardinals game together (and the Dodgers kicked butt!). After that I slept like a log.

Let that be a lesson to me - no more researching medical conditions online when I'm at work. (Haha, yeah right. We'll see how long that lasts.)

It's Friday Eve! Anyone else have a three-day weekend?