Well hello there strangers. I started a post a couple days ago to update my chronicle of TTC and non-TTC adventures, but never published it. And now some things have changed that would have required another update anyway, so here I am, updating. This is more for my sake than yours because I've often found it helpful to go back and read the things I've gone through for comparison purposes.
I would say, "the good news is," but I'm not sure I'd even call it good news at this point. So I'll just say it - I'm pregnant. Six weeks tomorrow, technically. I started spotting yesterday though, which is the reason I'm here posting today. It feels like a bad dream, but it all started so hopefully. Hubs and I were on vacation when my period was late, late, late. When we got home last Friday I tested and got a strong positive. We were shocked, well, sort of. Both of us had suspicions by that point, but by shocked I mean we haven't TTCed in over a year and a half and never thought we'd end up with a surprise pregnancy. Unlike last time I had no spotting, and it seemed that my symptoms were stronger - more moodiness, tiredness, changes in eating habits, and some stomach issues. Things seemed good.
I went to the doctor on Wednesday and that was fine. She took a culture but I didn't let her give me a pap as last time it increased the spotting I'd started and I didn't want to do anything that might cause me to freak out later. The next day the nurse called and told me I have a bacterial infection and to start using Metro Gel to treat it that night. Then yesterday, after the first night using it, I noticed that I started spotting in the afternoon. Very lightly, but definitely a little bit of dark pink blood. I freaked. Called the doctor and she said it could be the Metro Gel, not to use it that night and to see if I stopped spotting today. Unfortunately, no such luck. This morning when I checked the spotting had definitely picked up a bit. So now I'm really freaking out.
It feels like deja vu. Or a recurrent nightmare. Last time I tried so hard to keep my hopes up, tried to stay calm and positive, and it all ended horribly anyway. This time I'm having a lot, LOT harder time keeping positive or having any hope at all. We wanted to wait to announce anything until after we heard a heartbeat, but I ended up spilling to my parents last night. Why wait when I need the support now? I hate that I have basically already thrown in the towel; I worry that my negative attitude will somehow make things worse, if there is any hope to be had. Stupid. But I don't know how to be positive at this point. I know that lots of women have had spotting early in pregnancy and then went on to have healthy babies, but I haven't. Everything about me is different from "normal" women. Is there really any reason to think this time will be any different?
8.25.2012
5.14.2012
Mothers and others
Time for the obligatory Mothers Day post. I actually had a pretty good one yesterday. I spent the first part of the day at my sister's place with my family, having brunch and mimosas. My parents remembered that it was Hubs's and my 5th wedding anniversary the day before, and brought us the same little mini rose bush they got for my sister and SIL (both moms), so I didn't feel left out. It was a nice time. The second part of the day was spent with Hubs's family at his uncle's pool. That was a nice time too, except the part where Hubs's aunt made the rounds giving all the moms these cute little beachy sarongs and the ONLY two women who didn't get one were me and my MIL's cousin. I have to admit that stung a bit. I have half a mind to email her all nonchalantly and ask where she got them so I can get one too, but I'm not that passive-aggressive.
I did have a nice moment with my MIL's cousin, the other non-mom at the party, about the choice whether to have kids. She's in her 50's and single. She told me she'd always expected to have a family of her own and it just never worked out that way, but that she loves her life. Clearly she's not bitter about how things turned out at all, and I admire her for that. We talked about how parenthood isn't always all it's cracked up to be. It's hard work 24/7, and although it's apparently rewarding as hell, who's to say those parents wouldn't have found something they felt was equally rewarding had they not had kids? I don't think it's fair to compare parenthood to a childfree life. In order to fully appreciate the rewards of having children, a person has to actually have a child, and vice versa. You can't experience both a childfree life AND the life of a parent, so how can anyone say one option is better or more rewarding than the other?
I have a good friend whose MIL has been not-so-subtly hinting to her since right after my friend got married that she really, really, really wants to be a grandma. My friend and her husband go back and forth between thinking they might one day want kids and that they definitely do not ever want kids, much to her MIL's dismay. And her MIL tries to convince her that deep down she and her son really do want kids and that they'll regret it if they don't have them. I do not envy my friend's situation. Of course, all MIL wants is for her son and my friend to be happy, but she doesn't understand that it's possible for them to be happy without kids because she didn't have the childfree experience. What is unfortunate for my friend is that her MIL can't even imagine being happy without kids in the picture. Hopefully getting MIL to stop harping on the subject will just be a matter of my friend and her husband communicating to her their hopes and dreams for their life.
Who knows why there's such a divide between those with children and those without them? I suspect it has something to do with our Western society. The nuclear family reigns supreme and there's very little respect or attention tossed to people whose lifestyles don't fit that mold. And there's a lot of pressure to fit into it. (That's a topic for a whole separate post. Or maybe even a book!) Granted, I've set up my own walls between myself and those with kids, thanks to infertility. I'm a little more sensitive than most to what I perceive as a sense of superiority some parents seem to wield over childless people. But I'm working on that. I think the solution to closing the divide is about being understanding and compassionate. We're all different and we all make choices based on our unique personalities, histories, and circumstances. I hope that's the attitude I'm putting out these days! To each their own, I say.
So this post wasn't really about Mothers Day after all, but I rather enjoyed my little tangent! Until next time...
I did have a nice moment with my MIL's cousin, the other non-mom at the party, about the choice whether to have kids. She's in her 50's and single. She told me she'd always expected to have a family of her own and it just never worked out that way, but that she loves her life. Clearly she's not bitter about how things turned out at all, and I admire her for that. We talked about how parenthood isn't always all it's cracked up to be. It's hard work 24/7, and although it's apparently rewarding as hell, who's to say those parents wouldn't have found something they felt was equally rewarding had they not had kids? I don't think it's fair to compare parenthood to a childfree life. In order to fully appreciate the rewards of having children, a person has to actually have a child, and vice versa. You can't experience both a childfree life AND the life of a parent, so how can anyone say one option is better or more rewarding than the other?
I have a good friend whose MIL has been not-so-subtly hinting to her since right after my friend got married that she really, really, really wants to be a grandma. My friend and her husband go back and forth between thinking they might one day want kids and that they definitely do not ever want kids, much to her MIL's dismay. And her MIL tries to convince her that deep down she and her son really do want kids and that they'll regret it if they don't have them. I do not envy my friend's situation. Of course, all MIL wants is for her son and my friend to be happy, but she doesn't understand that it's possible for them to be happy without kids because she didn't have the childfree experience. What is unfortunate for my friend is that her MIL can't even imagine being happy without kids in the picture. Hopefully getting MIL to stop harping on the subject will just be a matter of my friend and her husband communicating to her their hopes and dreams for their life.
Who knows why there's such a divide between those with children and those without them? I suspect it has something to do with our Western society. The nuclear family reigns supreme and there's very little respect or attention tossed to people whose lifestyles don't fit that mold. And there's a lot of pressure to fit into it. (That's a topic for a whole separate post. Or maybe even a book!) Granted, I've set up my own walls between myself and those with kids, thanks to infertility. I'm a little more sensitive than most to what I perceive as a sense of superiority some parents seem to wield over childless people. But I'm working on that. I think the solution to closing the divide is about being understanding and compassionate. We're all different and we all make choices based on our unique personalities, histories, and circumstances. I hope that's the attitude I'm putting out these days! To each their own, I say.
So this post wasn't really about Mothers Day after all, but I rather enjoyed my little tangent! Until next time...
4.18.2012
Auntie Kitty and so forth
This has happened to me several times recently: I come to the computer and sit down, ready to finally publish a new blog post, but by the time everything fires up and I have a blank page and a blinking cursor in front of me I freeze. There's plenty going on in my life but I can't think of a way to make it sound very interesting or relevant to this blog (i.e. the infertility aspect). On the other hand, I'm always saying that this blog is about me in general, which proves that whatever I feel like writing about is relevant, even if it can't be interesting. So I'll just apologize now for that last part. Here's what I've been up to lately:
Still FUNemployed and working on starting my business. It's been even slower going than usual in all things enterprise-related because I've been babysitting two of my nieces three to four days a week for the past few weeks (and for the next few weeks) while their regular childcare provider is on - you guessed it - maternity leave. (YES! I knew I could squeeze in some IF shit.) How wonderfully ironic, eh? For my part it's been a great experience. My nieces friggin' love their Auntie Kitty and I'm getting to build close relationships with them. We go to the park, color (there is a ton - a TON - of coloring going on every day), go for walks around the neighborhood (and occasionally to 7-11 for a Slurpee), and I change my fair share of diapers. It's very character-building actually. And quite exhausting. Not only do you have to keep them entertained enough all day to ensure a nice long nap, but you have to be constantly "on" and alert to any potential danger. Fun with a toddler and 3 year old. On the other hand, it's gratifying to know I'm pretty damn good at it. Yep, ol' barren Kit proves useful in the child-rearing department after all! Nice try, infertility!
Okay that's where my IF talk ends today. I hope, since I already broke my promise that this post would have nothing to do with it. Anyway, the business. I don't have any new business on the business except to say that my childhood friend J will be sharing office space with me! I have a roomie! She's going to be using the back two offices and rear entrance for her private MFT practice, while I occupy the front entrance and two offices. And since I'm not charging her rent (yet), she's offered to buy paint! Which means I get to decorate! Which I couldn't afford to do before and the rooms desperately need! So that's good. I'm throwing myself into that right now so I don't start freaking myself out about how to accomplish what comes after the decorating. One thing at a time. I have time. Gotta keep telling myself that.
More funner stuff is in the near future for me and the Mr. as well. We'll be celebrating Cinco de Mayo this year by toasting our friends' S and K's nuptials. I do love me a good wedding! And it's going to be out of town (in wine country!!! My fave!!!) so even though we technically can't afford it, we're making it an overnight trip, hopefully with some wine tasting. The weekend after that is our 5 year wedding anniversary, and not only did Hubs take several days off work, but he already planned something (which he's not telling me about) too! His silence on the subject does not stop me from asking him daily what he has planned, which I am assured he doesn't appreciate. The thing is I like surprises... I think... well, I haven't actually had very many... I wonder if there's a reason for that? Anyway, in June we're going out of town for one night once again, for that sacred and time-honored tradition known as Beer Fest! I love beer as much as I love wine, and summer is just not summer without plenty of outdoor drinking. After that we're doing our usual summer camping trip, and then two more weddings... Wow, it just occurred to me how busy the next several months are going to be. Lots of celebrating though! And that's always great. :)
I should make myself useful now and wash a dish or two. Apologies for lying to you once in this post, and I trust I didn't lie again when I said it wouldn't be interesting. Thanks for enduring the tedium long enough to see what's been going on in my world!
Still FUNemployed and working on starting my business. It's been even slower going than usual in all things enterprise-related because I've been babysitting two of my nieces three to four days a week for the past few weeks (and for the next few weeks) while their regular childcare provider is on - you guessed it - maternity leave. (YES! I knew I could squeeze in some IF shit.) How wonderfully ironic, eh? For my part it's been a great experience. My nieces friggin' love their Auntie Kitty and I'm getting to build close relationships with them. We go to the park, color (there is a ton - a TON - of coloring going on every day), go for walks around the neighborhood (and occasionally to 7-11 for a Slurpee), and I change my fair share of diapers. It's very character-building actually. And quite exhausting. Not only do you have to keep them entertained enough all day to ensure a nice long nap, but you have to be constantly "on" and alert to any potential danger. Fun with a toddler and 3 year old. On the other hand, it's gratifying to know I'm pretty damn good at it. Yep, ol' barren Kit proves useful in the child-rearing department after all! Nice try, infertility!
Okay that's where my IF talk ends today. I hope, since I already broke my promise that this post would have nothing to do with it. Anyway, the business. I don't have any new business on the business except to say that my childhood friend J will be sharing office space with me! I have a roomie! She's going to be using the back two offices and rear entrance for her private MFT practice, while I occupy the front entrance and two offices. And since I'm not charging her rent (yet), she's offered to buy paint! Which means I get to decorate! Which I couldn't afford to do before and the rooms desperately need! So that's good. I'm throwing myself into that right now so I don't start freaking myself out about how to accomplish what comes after the decorating. One thing at a time. I have time. Gotta keep telling myself that.
More funner stuff is in the near future for me and the Mr. as well. We'll be celebrating Cinco de Mayo this year by toasting our friends' S and K's nuptials. I do love me a good wedding! And it's going to be out of town (in wine country!!! My fave!!!) so even though we technically can't afford it, we're making it an overnight trip, hopefully with some wine tasting. The weekend after that is our 5 year wedding anniversary, and not only did Hubs take several days off work, but he already planned something (which he's not telling me about) too! His silence on the subject does not stop me from asking him daily what he has planned, which I am assured he doesn't appreciate. The thing is I like surprises... I think... well, I haven't actually had very many... I wonder if there's a reason for that? Anyway, in June we're going out of town for one night once again, for that sacred and time-honored tradition known as Beer Fest! I love beer as much as I love wine, and summer is just not summer without plenty of outdoor drinking. After that we're doing our usual summer camping trip, and then two more weddings... Wow, it just occurred to me how busy the next several months are going to be. Lots of celebrating though! And that's always great. :)
I should make myself useful now and wash a dish or two. Apologies for lying to you once in this post, and I trust I didn't lie again when I said it wouldn't be interesting. Thanks for enduring the tedium long enough to see what's been going on in my world!
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