Waiting

I hate waiting.

The spotting continues... Or does it?  Yesterday morning I had very little, then definitely had some in the afternoon, then none last night and so far none this morning.  I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle. 

So I called the doctor's office and the midwife seemed a little puzzled herself.  She said it's good I'm not spotting now, but thought it best if I get an ultrasound to make sure things look okay.  I'm going in Wednesday morning for said ultrasound and I will report back with the news.  I'll be 6 weeks 3 days at that point.

Again, I'm not particularly thrilled with the similarities to last time that I'm experiencing.  I'm really trying to keep an even keel but let's face it, it's pretty much impossible when odds are 50/50 that things are okay.  I can't even tell how I'm feeling physically because I have a knot in my stomach most of the time.  I might be nauseous, but who knows if it's from hormones or stress?  Hubs says my boobs still look huge, so I guess that is good.  They don't seem to be shrinking LOL. 

Ugh.  Just gotta keep it together for another couple of days.  Hopefully the ultrasound will tell me something good.  Or at least something useful.

Round 2

Well hello there strangers.  I started a post a couple days ago to update my chronicle of TTC and non-TTC adventures, but never published it.  And now some things have changed that would have required another update anyway, so here I am, updating.  This is more for my sake than yours because I've often found it helpful to go back and read the things I've gone through for comparison purposes.

I would say, "the good news is," but I'm not sure I'd even call it good news at this point.  So I'll just say it - I'm pregnant.  Six weeks tomorrow, technically.  I started spotting yesterday though, which is the reason I'm here posting today.  It feels like a bad dream, but it all started so hopefully.  Hubs and I were on vacation when my period was late, late, late.  When we got home last Friday I tested and got a strong positive.  We were shocked, well, sort of.  Both of us had suspicions by that point, but by shocked I mean we haven't TTCed in over a year and a half and never thought we'd end up with a surprise pregnancy.  Unlike last time I had no spotting, and it seemed that my symptoms were stronger - more moodiness, tiredness, changes in eating habits, and some stomach issues.  Things seemed good.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and that was fine.  She took a culture but I didn't let her give me a pap as last time it increased the spotting I'd started and I didn't want to do anything that might cause me to freak out later.  The next day the nurse called and told me I have a bacterial infection and to start using Metro Gel to treat it that night.  Then yesterday, after the first night using it, I noticed that I started spotting in the afternoon.  Very lightly, but definitely a little bit of dark pink blood.  I freaked.  Called the doctor and she said it could be the Metro Gel, not to use it that night and to see if I stopped spotting today.  Unfortunately, no such luck.  This morning when I checked the spotting had definitely picked up a bit.  So now I'm really freaking out. 

It feels like deja vu.  Or a recurrent nightmare.  Last time I tried so hard to keep my hopes up, tried to stay calm and positive, and it all ended horribly anyway.  This time I'm having a lot, LOT harder time keeping positive or having any hope at all.  We wanted to wait to announce anything until after we heard a heartbeat, but I ended up spilling to my parents last night.  Why wait when I need the support now?  I hate that I have basically already thrown in the towel; I worry that my negative attitude will somehow make things worse, if there is any hope to be had.  Stupid.  But I don't know how to be positive at this point.  I know that lots of women have had spotting early in pregnancy and then went on to have healthy babies, but I haven't.  Everything about me is different from "normal" women.  Is there really any reason to think this time will be any different?

Mothers and others

Time for the obligatory Mothers Day post.  I actually had a pretty good one yesterday.  I spent the first part of the day at my sister's place with my family, having brunch and mimosas.  My parents remembered that it was Hubs's and my 5th wedding anniversary the day before, and brought us the same little mini rose bush they got for my sister and SIL (both moms), so I didn't feel left out.  It was a nice time.  The second part of the day was spent with Hubs's family at his uncle's pool.  That was a nice time too, except the part where Hubs's aunt made the rounds giving all the moms these cute little beachy sarongs and the ONLY two women who didn't get one were me and my MIL's cousin.  I have to admit that stung a bit.  I have half a mind to email her all nonchalantly and ask where she got them so I can get one too, but I'm not that passive-aggressive.

I did have a nice moment with my MIL's cousin, the other non-mom at the party, about the choice whether to have kids.  She's in her 50's and single.  She told me she'd always expected to have a family of her own and it just never worked out that way, but that she loves her life.  Clearly she's not bitter about how things turned out at all, and I admire her for that.  We talked about how parenthood isn't always all it's cracked up to be.  It's hard work 24/7, and although it's apparently rewarding as hell, who's to say those parents wouldn't have found something they felt was equally rewarding had they not had kids?  I don't think it's fair to compare parenthood to a childfree life.  In order to fully appreciate the rewards of having children, a person has to actually have a child, and vice versa.  You can't experience both a childfree life AND the life of a parent, so how can anyone say one option is better or more rewarding than the other? 

I have a good friend whose MIL has been not-so-subtly hinting to her since right after my friend got married that she really, really, really wants to be a grandma.  My friend and her husband go back and forth between thinking they might one day want kids and that they definitely do not ever want kids, much to her MIL's dismay.  And her MIL tries to convince her that deep down she and her son really do want kids and that they'll regret it if they don't have them.  I do not envy my friend's situation.  Of course, all MIL wants is for her son and my friend to be happy, but she doesn't understand that it's possible for them to be happy without kids because she didn't have the childfree experience.  What is unfortunate for my friend is that her MIL can't even imagine being happy without kids in the picture.  Hopefully getting MIL to stop harping on the subject will just be a matter of my friend and her husband communicating to her their hopes and dreams for their life.

Who knows why there's such a divide between those with children and those without them?  I suspect it has something to do with our Western society.  The nuclear family reigns supreme and there's very little respect or attention tossed to people whose lifestyles don't fit that mold.  And there's a lot of pressure to fit into it.  (That's a topic for a whole separate post.  Or maybe even a book!)  Granted, I've set up my own walls between myself and those with kids, thanks to infertility.  I'm a little more sensitive than most to what I perceive as a sense of superiority some parents seem to wield over childless people.  But I'm working on that.  I think the solution to closing the divide is about being understanding and compassionate.  We're all different and we all make choices based on our unique personalities, histories, and circumstances.  I hope that's the attitude I'm putting out these days!  To each their own, I say.

So this post wasn't really about Mothers Day after all, but I rather enjoyed my little tangent!  Until next time...