No, I'm not in a "woe-is-me" mood today. Quite the contrary. I've actually come to accept that life isn't fair. My problem lately has been how to have faith in light of that knowledge, and I think I've found a way.
It's been a long time since I've been to church. I think the last time was on Easter, and before that maybe Christmas. I used to love it. I was really involved in my confirmation group as a teenager, sang in the choir until my early twenties, and even taught catechism for two years. I made lots of like-minded friends, and I was happy and comfortable.
In my young, blissful ignorance I'd wonder why anyone would ever turn away from God, he seemed pretty cool to me. I took it for granted that it would always be easy to keep the faith. Life started getting harder and more uncertain, and finally infertility put me over the edge. This past year I've struggled with and questioned literally everything I thought I knew about God and life. My very own Crisis of Faith. I didn't entirely lose faith, but it had pretty much dwindled down to the size of a mustard seed.
That little mustard seed was there because of the basic question, "Is there even a God?" I can't deny the answer: there has to be. There is no other way anything in the universe could exist. Even if science proves beyond any doubt that planets, stars, and everything else out there was put there by a giant explosion of a tiny speck of matter - you still have the question of "how did that speck get there?" Nothing comes from nothing, so it must have come from something.
So now I'm working on cultivating my little seed of faith. I'm thinking about the nature of a God that would bring all this into being. He must be good. If he's good he must not want us to suffer, etc.
Back to the point. This morning I was pondering these things and it occurred to me that there might be some explanation out there as to the unfairness of life. I searched for understanding through the epic power of google, and I found some wisdom.
And my seed has sprouted.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing that, Kitty. Gives me a little perspective at a time when I need it most.
((hugs))
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