Breathing

Okay, some more updates.  After talking to my very cautious mom, I decided not to go in for the ultrasound today.  I know ultrasounds are generally considered very safe, but they do put out a lot of heat, plus pressure on the cervix, and I would rather just limit my exposure (and especially the little bean's exposure).  And given my past experience where the spotting picked up after the u/s, though I know logically it was due to impending m/c and not the actual fault of the u/s, I'm paranoid.  So instead I spoke to the midwife and asked for hcg testing.  I got my number this morning - 13,754 at 6 weeks 2 days.  She was very happy with that number, said it was nice and high and that unless I really wanted to she didn't see a need to test again tomorrow.  We'll see.  I had a small amount of very light pink gunk yesterday evening (first time in 48 hours), but if anything it seems to be getting lighter and more infrequent, rather than picking up daily like last time.  My mom and the hubs both think I just need to calm the F down and stop worrying so much.  I'm trying.

I'm definitely feeling a little nauseous these past few days.  I gag for no reason and then hubs laughs at me.  He's sensitive like that.  Actually it is pretty funny, we'll just be chatting and then BMLPH!  Even when I was stressed out every day working at the 7th Circle of Hell I didn't gag in the middle of a conversation, so I am thinking this is a good sign and not just nerves.  Eating helps too, and I think that's a good thing.

That's it for now.  I'm going to go work on Operation: Calm the F Down.

Waiting

I hate waiting.

The spotting continues... Or does it?  Yesterday morning I had very little, then definitely had some in the afternoon, then none last night and so far none this morning.  I am an enigma wrapped in a riddle. 

So I called the doctor's office and the midwife seemed a little puzzled herself.  She said it's good I'm not spotting now, but thought it best if I get an ultrasound to make sure things look okay.  I'm going in Wednesday morning for said ultrasound and I will report back with the news.  I'll be 6 weeks 3 days at that point.

Again, I'm not particularly thrilled with the similarities to last time that I'm experiencing.  I'm really trying to keep an even keel but let's face it, it's pretty much impossible when odds are 50/50 that things are okay.  I can't even tell how I'm feeling physically because I have a knot in my stomach most of the time.  I might be nauseous, but who knows if it's from hormones or stress?  Hubs says my boobs still look huge, so I guess that is good.  They don't seem to be shrinking LOL. 

Ugh.  Just gotta keep it together for another couple of days.  Hopefully the ultrasound will tell me something good.  Or at least something useful.

Round 2

Well hello there strangers.  I started a post a couple days ago to update my chronicle of TTC and non-TTC adventures, but never published it.  And now some things have changed that would have required another update anyway, so here I am, updating.  This is more for my sake than yours because I've often found it helpful to go back and read the things I've gone through for comparison purposes.

I would say, "the good news is," but I'm not sure I'd even call it good news at this point.  So I'll just say it - I'm pregnant.  Six weeks tomorrow, technically.  I started spotting yesterday though, which is the reason I'm here posting today.  It feels like a bad dream, but it all started so hopefully.  Hubs and I were on vacation when my period was late, late, late.  When we got home last Friday I tested and got a strong positive.  We were shocked, well, sort of.  Both of us had suspicions by that point, but by shocked I mean we haven't TTCed in over a year and a half and never thought we'd end up with a surprise pregnancy.  Unlike last time I had no spotting, and it seemed that my symptoms were stronger - more moodiness, tiredness, changes in eating habits, and some stomach issues.  Things seemed good.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and that was fine.  She took a culture but I didn't let her give me a pap as last time it increased the spotting I'd started and I didn't want to do anything that might cause me to freak out later.  The next day the nurse called and told me I have a bacterial infection and to start using Metro Gel to treat it that night.  Then yesterday, after the first night using it, I noticed that I started spotting in the afternoon.  Very lightly, but definitely a little bit of dark pink blood.  I freaked.  Called the doctor and she said it could be the Metro Gel, not to use it that night and to see if I stopped spotting today.  Unfortunately, no such luck.  This morning when I checked the spotting had definitely picked up a bit.  So now I'm really freaking out. 

It feels like deja vu.  Or a recurrent nightmare.  Last time I tried so hard to keep my hopes up, tried to stay calm and positive, and it all ended horribly anyway.  This time I'm having a lot, LOT harder time keeping positive or having any hope at all.  We wanted to wait to announce anything until after we heard a heartbeat, but I ended up spilling to my parents last night.  Why wait when I need the support now?  I hate that I have basically already thrown in the towel; I worry that my negative attitude will somehow make things worse, if there is any hope to be had.  Stupid.  But I don't know how to be positive at this point.  I know that lots of women have had spotting early in pregnancy and then went on to have healthy babies, but I haven't.  Everything about me is different from "normal" women.  Is there really any reason to think this time will be any different?