For Steph - The Drama

Okay, for Steph, and those inquiring minds curious about the drama on the boards the other day, here's the reader's digest version. I'm making up names here, because I have no idea what any of their names are. Nothing personal, I'm just really bad with names.

First a disclaimer - The situation didn't really get all that heated. There were a couple of posters who got a tad riled up, but nothing crazy.

So, one of the ladies, let's call her Ann, started a thread asking who else is dealing with MFIF. She also said she and her DH would probably be doing ICSI at some point. One of the responses was from a TTC 12+ grad, Beth, who was more of a lurker before she graduated, but wasn't a total stranger. She and her DH had dealt with MFIF, and had a successful IUI. So she was posting in an attempt to inspire hope in these ladies who are in situations similar to hers, and suggesting to try IUI if they haven't yet. The only things I could find "wrong" in her post are that 1. she didn't put "trigs" and 2. her story was a little long, which some ladies took as her "bragging." But then she reposted the exact same response as a brand new thread, still without putting "trigs". That was a little irritating, but not particularly offensive, IMO. Oh, and BTW, a handful of ladies posted thanking her for sharing her story.

Well, one of the other ladies, Cathy, had just dropped her husband off that morning at the airport for his 1 year tour of duty overseas. Obviously in a bad place already, she went off on Beth for her post. Said something like, we don't need your input, we've all been TTC for over a year and most of us have tried IUI already, who are you anyway, kinda thing. Beth apologized, said she didn't mean to offend anyone, far from it, and got the moderator to add "trigs" to the title of the thread.

Then Dana chimes in to back up Cathy. She adds that the board is designed to be exclusive, even though she is "not trying to be exclusive." She says that she doesn't remember Beth or her story, and basically that it's offensive for grads to come back and post. She suggests maybe it would be easiest for everyone to not allow anyone who doesn't fall under the category of TTC 12+ Months to post there. A couple other newer ladies voiced their agreement with Dana. I posted my comment saying this is getting blown out of proportion and that I didn't want to see the board turn into an exclusive clique for various reasons. And a couple of the "older" ladies posted their agreement to me.

But minutes later, my post, Cathy's post, those agreeing with me, and those agreeing with Dana all got deleted with no explanation. Dana's post and Beth's post are still there.

There were some other posts that day along the lines of, "some days we just don't feel like reading triggery posts, and we shouldn't be expected to hide our feelings about that." And, "you get a free pass to act out when you're having a bad day." Maybe those posts weren't meant to sound petulant, but to me they definitely did not sound like they were made in the spirit of community, support and acceptance. Most of the time these ladies are very supportive, but IMO the "vibe" has definitely changed a bit. It just doesn't feel quite as "nice" anymore. I don't know how else to put it.

The board

It hasn't been that long since I started frequenting WMD's 12+ board. I believe it was in January or February of this year. For those of you ladies who were there when I first started, I want to say THANK YOU. Not only did I start commenting before I officially hit the 12 months mark (I think I was a month shy), but I know I made one or two slightly triggery comments without putting "trigs." I honestly didn't know any better - this was the first message board I'd ever in my life gotten involved in. But, the ladies accepted me anyway. No one got on my case for not putting "trigs," or for jumping in without starting off with an intro, or anything else.

Now that I'm an experienced message-boarder (I think I have over 600 posts now! Holy cow I need a life), I can see how my faux pas would upset people. I admit I get a little suspicious whenever I see a new poster, and I always check their posting history before I respond. I get a little possessive of that board... But I never attack people for making innocent mistakes.

Some people have said they don't want anyone posting on the board unless they qualify as a 12+ months TTCer. Now, I don't think that WMD would ever allow that, but what really chaps me is that I posted a very thoughtful and considerate response to the person who suggested this, and MY post was deleted by the moderator (not B). Mine. The one saying that we should be accepting of newbies, and give people the benefit of the doubt when they post unintentionally offensive things. That it's okay to educate them on the board's etiquette, but that I didn't want to see our board turned into some kind of exclusive clique that looks at outsiders as, well, outsiders.

Anyway, like I said. Thank you for accepting me, warts and all, onto that board. I'm just glad I started posting 9 months ago and not now. I'd be ridden out on a rail faster than you can you say "baby dust" (and don't even get me started on that one!). Like Bob Dylan said, times they are a-changing. And maybe it's getting to be that time for me...