There comes a time in every childless, non-TTC Infertile's journey when she realizes it's time to move on from the blogland that once provided her with so much comfort. The ALI blogosphere has been an amazing support system throughout my infertility, miscarriage, and even my baby steps (pun intended) into a happily childfree life (so far, knock on wood!). YOU are all amazing and I appreciate all of the words, thoughts and encouragement you've offered me.
I've come to a decision, though, or at least half of a decision. (If you've been around this blog long enough you know how indecisive I am and that half a decision is as good as it gets some days.) That half of a decision is this: It's time for me to stop following TTC and parenting blogs. This probably does not come as a shock to anyone, but I thought it would be rude to one day just up and disappear from twenty-something 'following' lists. I mean no offense by taking this action and I won't take offense if I lose followers for doing it. When I was TTC, this blog was a sanctuary to me. I came here and visited your blogs daily, and it was a relief and a joy and a glimmer of hope during a dark time in my life. Unfortunately, and I'd hoped this wouldn't happen, now seeing all those TTC and mommy blogs in my blogroll is a sad reminder of that dark time. And I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to do what is healthy for me and what makes me happy.
The other half of the decision I've been mulling over is what to do with this blog. I don't have anything specific to write about these days and I'm afraid it's getting pretty boring! On the other hand, for better or worse, this blog is a part of me and I can't bear to simply shut it down. At least not yet. I still have the urge to write, and I don't want to start fresh with a new name and a new space. The Life and Times of KitVonD was always supposed to be about me, not just my infertility. So here it will stay, and eventually, for the sake of anyone reading this, I hope it gets more interesting!
So if you see my name disappear from your blog, please know I wish you nothing but the very best. I am so happy that so many of my IF sisters have gotten exactly what they hoped for. I know you will never take your children for granted and you will never forget the struggle you overcame. That struggle will make you a better person and a better parent, and your children will benefit from the wisdom you've gained. For those still waiting for your miracles, hang in there! And I don't say that lightly. I know how difficult it is to wait, to feel the agony of loss, and to wonder if you'll ever get to hold your own baby in your arms. I can't tell you how your journey will end, but I can tell you there is hope, and there is happiness to be had and life to enjoy in the meantime.
Thank you for allowing me to share in your journeys. XOXO
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
6.10.2011
4.25.2011
Putting myself in check
As per my usual Monday outlook, this morning I was feeling pretty blue. I read through a few blogs and felt even more blue. I realized I'm feeling a little out of place in the IF blogging community, since I'm not exactly working towards building my family at this time, and I'm not doing much to help the IF community either. Meanwhile my bloggy buddies continue to TTC and graduate into pregnancy and parenthood, Bust Myths for NIAW, and support one another with enthusiasm. I questioned my reasons for continuing to blog here, and wondered whether it was time to close up shop. Then I read Mel's awesome post about the IF divide, and I realized how self-centered I've been.
In my women's group we talk quite a bit about being generous rather than judgmental in our thoughts, approaching people with an attitude of compassion and kindness, and generally making an effort to think the best of others. But, my friends, I haven't been doing a very good job of that.
Those of you who are pregnant may have noticed I rarely comment on your blogs nowadays. I've even stopped following some bloggers because I couldn't handle the content of their posts. On FB, I regularly block friends for sharing (okay, yes sometimes oversharing) about their pregnancies, babies and children. Even my IF friends. True, I need to do what's best for my emotional and mental well-being, but I also don't want to be that person. The one who completely ditches the people who've supported me through my darkest hours just because I have days where I don't have the emotional fortitude to look at baby bump photos or read about fetal heart rates.
In her post, Mel explains that the women lucky enough to have made it across the chasm that divides the IFers still waiting for their miracle from those who've held their babies in their arms truly haven't forgotten the pain and longing that the rest of us still endure. In my bitterness I've built this imaginary wall between "us" (the childless) and "them" (the lucky moms). I built the wall because I didn't want to see their happiness for fear it would increase my own sadness, but I realize now that's completely backwards. Once upon a time I almost made it to the other side myself, and for a few weeks I had a taste of the feelings that grads experience. It was something like equal parts joy, guilt, gratitude, and a deep desire for everyone else still waiting in the wings to have their turn to feel that exhilaration. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take everyone else by the hand who were still waiting, and pull them across that chasm to the other side with me. The truth is, I'm the one who forgot what that felt like.
Who am I to believe I know how easy it is for those on the other side of the IF divide to forget their struggle to get there? And who am I to begrudge them of their joy over making it to the other side? Acting and thinking negatively only encourages more negativity in myself, and separating myself from others' happiness doesn't increase my own happiness, it decreases it. I'm not saying I should ignore my own needs and well-being and force myself to be happy when I'd really rather curl up under the covers and cry. I'm certainly entitled to my bad days. But if I want to be a happier, less judgmental person (and I do), I need to practice being understanding and compassionate in my actions, words and thoughts more often than I practice bitterness.
I suppose in a way I'm busting a myth that's personal to me for NIAW - the one that says I have to be a Bitter Infertile. I'm ready to make the effort to remove the word "bitter" from that title. I'm sorry I let my own hang-ups keep me from being as supportive to some of you as you've been to me.
In my women's group we talk quite a bit about being generous rather than judgmental in our thoughts, approaching people with an attitude of compassion and kindness, and generally making an effort to think the best of others. But, my friends, I haven't been doing a very good job of that.
Those of you who are pregnant may have noticed I rarely comment on your blogs nowadays. I've even stopped following some bloggers because I couldn't handle the content of their posts. On FB, I regularly block friends for sharing (okay, yes sometimes oversharing) about their pregnancies, babies and children. Even my IF friends. True, I need to do what's best for my emotional and mental well-being, but I also don't want to be that person. The one who completely ditches the people who've supported me through my darkest hours just because I have days where I don't have the emotional fortitude to look at baby bump photos or read about fetal heart rates.
In her post, Mel explains that the women lucky enough to have made it across the chasm that divides the IFers still waiting for their miracle from those who've held their babies in their arms truly haven't forgotten the pain and longing that the rest of us still endure. In my bitterness I've built this imaginary wall between "us" (the childless) and "them" (the lucky moms). I built the wall because I didn't want to see their happiness for fear it would increase my own sadness, but I realize now that's completely backwards. Once upon a time I almost made it to the other side myself, and for a few weeks I had a taste of the feelings that grads experience. It was something like equal parts joy, guilt, gratitude, and a deep desire for everyone else still waiting in the wings to have their turn to feel that exhilaration. I wanted nothing more than to be able to take everyone else by the hand who were still waiting, and pull them across that chasm to the other side with me. The truth is, I'm the one who forgot what that felt like.
Who am I to believe I know how easy it is for those on the other side of the IF divide to forget their struggle to get there? And who am I to begrudge them of their joy over making it to the other side? Acting and thinking negatively only encourages more negativity in myself, and separating myself from others' happiness doesn't increase my own happiness, it decreases it. I'm not saying I should ignore my own needs and well-being and force myself to be happy when I'd really rather curl up under the covers and cry. I'm certainly entitled to my bad days. But if I want to be a happier, less judgmental person (and I do), I need to practice being understanding and compassionate in my actions, words and thoughts more often than I practice bitterness.
I suppose in a way I'm busting a myth that's personal to me for NIAW - the one that says I have to be a Bitter Infertile. I'm ready to make the effort to remove the word "bitter" from that title. I'm sorry I let my own hang-ups keep me from being as supportive to some of you as you've been to me.
2.04.2011
This weekend is gonna suck
Okay, maybe it won't suck completely. But read on and I think you'll understand why I'm not looking forward to it one bit.
Reason #1 this weekend will suck: I have to come in to work tomorrow for four hours. It's really not that big of a deal; I plan on wearing overly comfy clothes and showering tonight so as to maximize my sleep time. I'll be home by 12:30 and Hubs has to work anyway too. Still, there's something a little disheartening about it being Friday when you know you still have an extra day of this crap to look forward to.
Before I tell you the second reason, maybe you should sit down. Y'know, in case you were standing at your computer reading blogs.
Sitting down now? Good. Deep breath...
Because it's Superbowl. Don't hurt me! Football just doesn't do it for me. And although under normal cirumstances I enjoy a Superbowl party as much as the next person, reason number three explains why these aren't normal circumstances.
Number three: At this party, there's an excellent chance I'll run into 3 or 4 of Hubs's friends' pregnant wives. I haven't seen any of them since they got pregnant. As much as I genuinely like each of them, I'm dreading this. Hence the reason I haven't seen them since they got themselves in a family way. They know about my IF, so hopefully it won't be as painful as I anticipate. And if it is, Hubs gave me an out and said we can leave early if it's really bad. I love that man.
At least the day is half over now. Hope you're having a happy Friday :)
Reason #1 this weekend will suck: I have to come in to work tomorrow for four hours. It's really not that big of a deal; I plan on wearing overly comfy clothes and showering tonight so as to maximize my sleep time. I'll be home by 12:30 and Hubs has to work anyway too. Still, there's something a little disheartening about it being Friday when you know you still have an extra day of this crap to look forward to.
Before I tell you the second reason, maybe you should sit down. Y'know, in case you were standing at your computer reading blogs.
Sitting down now? Good. Deep breath...
Because it's Superbowl. Don't hurt me! Football just doesn't do it for me. And although under normal cirumstances I enjoy a Superbowl party as much as the next person, reason number three explains why these aren't normal circumstances.
Number three: At this party, there's an excellent chance I'll run into 3 or 4 of Hubs's friends' pregnant wives. I haven't seen any of them since they got pregnant. As much as I genuinely like each of them, I'm dreading this. Hence the reason I haven't seen them since they got themselves in a family way. They know about my IF, so hopefully it won't be as painful as I anticipate. And if it is, Hubs gave me an out and said we can leave early if it's really bad. I love that man.
At least the day is half over now. Hope you're having a happy Friday :)
12.17.2010
The turning of a page
There is a chance that Hubs and I will some day have a biological child. Right now, though, I am coming to realize that those chances are not increased by our efforts. Infertility has left me exhausted and heartbroken to the point that giving up TTC sounds like sweet relief, and infinitely more appealing than one more month of valiant effort and crushing disappointment.
It hasn't been easy or clear-cut coming to this decision. Hubs and I are becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that one day, a few years from now, our family will grow through adoption, and I've already started putting a lot less emphasis on TTC. But still I've been miserable for weeks. Until today I thought it was about my miscarriage and how much I hate my job; now I believe it's the end of the dream of little baby A+K I'm grieving.
I don't know if this is a permanent decision, but I think it should at the very least be open-ended so I can try to move on. I also don't yet know what new direction my blog may take. I guess I'll just wait and see, and I hope you do too.
It hasn't been easy or clear-cut coming to this decision. Hubs and I are becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that one day, a few years from now, our family will grow through adoption, and I've already started putting a lot less emphasis on TTC. But still I've been miserable for weeks. Until today I thought it was about my miscarriage and how much I hate my job; now I believe it's the end of the dream of little baby A+K I'm grieving.
I don't know if this is a permanent decision, but I think it should at the very least be open-ended so I can try to move on. I also don't yet know what new direction my blog may take. I guess I'll just wait and see, and I hope you do too.
12.03.2010
Bitter Infertile on board!
WARNING: This is a rant about child-centric automobile adornments. If you happen to have child-centric adornments on your car, please know that I still love you and it's not my intention to offend you. Even my siblings have some of this crap on their cars and I still speak to them. ;)
As I was pulling into the parking lot at work this morning I was behind a guy with a license plate that read "2X A DAD." I immediately scoffed. For one, my personal opinion is that vanity plates are a waste of money, but I can appreciate a funny or cute one. For example there's someone driving around with a plate that says "GR8YTB8." The guy is a surfer. Get it? Great White Bait! I think that's clever. But the people living in the town where I work tend to be long on excess funds and short on imagination, so it's rare I see a vanity plate that doesn't come across as, well, vain. Or superior. (A couple other regulars I see are: "heart R HI IQ" on a Smart car, and "MY 60MPG" on a Prius. Yes, we get it, you get good gas mileage. I still don't think it's particularly "smart" to drive around in a car the size and sturdiness of an aluminum can.)
For two, I'm just getting so tired of seeing automobiles slathered in advertisements about the driver's offspring and fertility. Look, I get that they're proud of their kids, I'd be proud of mine too if I had any, but it's just so over the top. And guess what? 90% of the population can have kids, so procreating is not exactly a notable achievement, Mr. 2X A DAD. You had sex and children are often the result of that. I'm happy you're doing a good job raising your kids, but I'm sure you'll excuse me if I don't pull my car over and applaud you for it. Did my grandma drive around with a sign that said "9X A MOM?" No she did not, and raising 9 kids is a helluva lot more impressive than your two. It's your job to raise them to the best of your ability, not a special talent worthy of sharing with the world.
For three (and let's be honest here - this is obviously the main reason I scoffed), it's a well-established fact that I'm a bitter Infertile and sarcasm and scoffing are like second languages to me.
So how many different ways do parents pat themselves on the back (or bumper) for rearing their kids? Let's count. Besides the cheesy license plates, there's...
1. Stick-figure family decals, sometimes even including everyone's names, as if the parents have never seen an after school special warning kids not to tell strangers their names in case the stranger is a predator. I can't stand those stickers. There was one time, though, when I saw a car with just a male stick figure and a female stick figure clinking wine glasses and my heart surged with joy! I would totally get something like that.
2. Bumper stickers - and not just the ones that say "My child is an honor student at fill-in-the-blank school," (please, is every kid an honor student these days? Those things are everywhere!) but other super clever ones like the "Got Twins?" sticker I'm always ending up behind on my way out of my neighborhood. Sigh. A. No, I don't "got twins," but I do got endo! And B. Though the "Got Milk?" ad campaign was decent for its time, it's now stale and cliche. Can we please agree to retire it?
3. The "baby on board" window signs. I don't quite understand the purpose of these. Are they supposed to make me drive slower? Be more careful than usual? Because I was totally going to rear-end someone this one time just for giggles, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that sign stuck on their rear window. Or maybe it's an advertisement targeted at Infertiles who are in the market for free unwanted babies? If that's the case I might change my mind about this one.
4. Personalized license plate frames. I especially loathe the ones that "keep score." You know the ones I'm talking about, "Mom's scoreboard: Girls 2, Boys 1." (Or if you're the Duggars: Girls 243, Boys 198.) I'd like to get one that says, "Infertile's scoreboard: Beers 6, Martinis 3," but that might attract the wrong kind of attention... the kind with blue and red lights and sirens.
Hmm... well that's all I can think of. One day I will have a kid and maybe this stuff won't annoy me anymore, but for now I might as well have fun with it!
As I was pulling into the parking lot at work this morning I was behind a guy with a license plate that read "2X A DAD." I immediately scoffed. For one, my personal opinion is that vanity plates are a waste of money, but I can appreciate a funny or cute one. For example there's someone driving around with a plate that says "GR8YTB8." The guy is a surfer. Get it? Great White Bait! I think that's clever. But the people living in the town where I work tend to be long on excess funds and short on imagination, so it's rare I see a vanity plate that doesn't come across as, well, vain. Or superior. (A couple other regulars I see are: "heart R HI IQ" on a Smart car, and "MY 60MPG" on a Prius. Yes, we get it, you get good gas mileage. I still don't think it's particularly "smart" to drive around in a car the size and sturdiness of an aluminum can.)
For two, I'm just getting so tired of seeing automobiles slathered in advertisements about the driver's offspring and fertility. Look, I get that they're proud of their kids, I'd be proud of mine too if I had any, but it's just so over the top. And guess what? 90% of the population can have kids, so procreating is not exactly a notable achievement, Mr. 2X A DAD. You had sex and children are often the result of that. I'm happy you're doing a good job raising your kids, but I'm sure you'll excuse me if I don't pull my car over and applaud you for it. Did my grandma drive around with a sign that said "9X A MOM?" No she did not, and raising 9 kids is a helluva lot more impressive than your two. It's your job to raise them to the best of your ability, not a special talent worthy of sharing with the world.
For three (and let's be honest here - this is obviously the main reason I scoffed), it's a well-established fact that I'm a bitter Infertile and sarcasm and scoffing are like second languages to me.
So how many different ways do parents pat themselves on the back (or bumper) for rearing their kids? Let's count. Besides the cheesy license plates, there's...
1. Stick-figure family decals, sometimes even including everyone's names, as if the parents have never seen an after school special warning kids not to tell strangers their names in case the stranger is a predator. I can't stand those stickers. There was one time, though, when I saw a car with just a male stick figure and a female stick figure clinking wine glasses and my heart surged with joy! I would totally get something like that.
2. Bumper stickers - and not just the ones that say "My child is an honor student at fill-in-the-blank school," (please, is every kid an honor student these days? Those things are everywhere!) but other super clever ones like the "Got Twins?" sticker I'm always ending up behind on my way out of my neighborhood. Sigh. A. No, I don't "got twins," but I do got endo! And B. Though the "Got Milk?" ad campaign was decent for its time, it's now stale and cliche. Can we please agree to retire it?
3. The "baby on board" window signs. I don't quite understand the purpose of these. Are they supposed to make me drive slower? Be more careful than usual? Because I was totally going to rear-end someone this one time just for giggles, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw that sign stuck on their rear window. Or maybe it's an advertisement targeted at Infertiles who are in the market for free unwanted babies? If that's the case I might change my mind about this one.
4. Personalized license plate frames. I especially loathe the ones that "keep score." You know the ones I'm talking about, "Mom's scoreboard: Girls 2, Boys 1." (Or if you're the Duggars: Girls 243, Boys 198.) I'd like to get one that says, "Infertile's scoreboard: Beers 6, Martinis 3," but that might attract the wrong kind of attention... the kind with blue and red lights and sirens.
Hmm... well that's all I can think of. One day I will have a kid and maybe this stuff won't annoy me anymore, but for now I might as well have fun with it!
10.27.2010
More on "Barren"
I know I said I wouldn't be posting about IF for a bit, but I couldn't not tell you that last night I received a personal email from Monica Wiesblott, the artist from the Barren exhibit! I'd left my email address and blog URL in the guestbook, and to my surprise she recognized me from ICLW and has actually been by here before. (I have to admit, I was as excited as if I'd been recognized by a movie star!) I'm so pleased to be able to follow Monica on her infertility blog now!
I'm also very pleased to tell you that the exhibit is online! (Prepare for major trigs if you decide to check it out.) I don't know how I missed that before, but now that I have the link I'm going to be spreading it around wherever I can. It's such a powerful depiction of what it means to be infertile and to have suffered loss, and like I said in her guestbook, Monica is a very brave woman for baring her soul to the world in this way.
Thanks again to Monica!
Happy Hump Day :)
I'm also very pleased to tell you that the exhibit is online! (Prepare for major trigs if you decide to check it out.) I don't know how I missed that before, but now that I have the link I'm going to be spreading it around wherever I can. It's such a powerful depiction of what it means to be infertile and to have suffered loss, and like I said in her guestbook, Monica is a very brave woman for baring her soul to the world in this way.
Thanks again to Monica!
Happy Hump Day :)
10.26.2010
It's not you, it's me
I need some space.
I'm not ready for a serious commitment.
I have so many other things going on in my life right now, I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve.
No, I'm not breaking up with you, my bloggity friends, I just need a little distance from TTC and IF for a little while. To get off the emotional roller coaster, if you will. The start of a new cycle seems like a good time to try to adjust my focus and hopefully get back to some kind of balance. Hubs and I will still try this C, since I can't seem to avoid it, but hopefully without so much obsession.
So, I may not be around here much, or I may be around but posting about stuff other than TTC and IF. And I may not be commenting much (not that I've been a stellar commenter lately anyway, sorry), but please know it's nothing personal.
Well I mean, it is personal, but yeah. It's me. Not you.
I'm not ready for a serious commitment.
I have so many other things going on in my life right now, I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve.
No, I'm not breaking up with you, my bloggity friends, I just need a little distance from TTC and IF for a little while. To get off the emotional roller coaster, if you will. The start of a new cycle seems like a good time to try to adjust my focus and hopefully get back to some kind of balance. Hubs and I will still try this C, since I can't seem to avoid it, but hopefully without so much obsession.
So, I may not be around here much, or I may be around but posting about stuff other than TTC and IF. And I may not be commenting much (not that I've been a stellar commenter lately anyway, sorry), but please know it's nothing personal.
Well I mean, it is personal, but yeah. It's me. Not you.
10.25.2010
The Barren exhibit, and other stuff
Hello my friends :)
First, an update on my weekend activities:
My friend B and I went to the Barren exhibit on Saturday and it was very moving. Most of the pieces were photographs of things like empty cribs, strollers, and lonely toys. There were also some wintry scenes with bare trees and frost-covered ground. A few were mixed media and a technique I'm not really familiar with (and I forgot the name) that looked like multiple photo exposures layered together, but with a sketchy quality. Some of the pieces were quite graphic; apparently the artist experienced multiple early miscarriages, if that gives you an idea. She also had a few written pieces posted here and there, talking about visiting a friend who had just given birth, thoughts that seemed to have been written when she was in some of her darkest places, and so on. Those were the pieces that touched me the most. I guess maybe I have more of an appreciation for literary art than visual art. There were many points where I was choking back the tears. I don't really know what else to say about it. I'm very glad I went, but I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, you know? It definitely touched me, as I'm sure it would touch anyone who has dealt with infertility.
The rest of the day Saturday was much more lighthearted. B and I tried to sell some clothes and accessories at Bu.ffa.lo E.xcha.nge, and discovered that we're not nearly cool enough for them. Even my Be.tsey Jo.hnson dress was denied and that thing is CUTE (but a size 4, which I no longer am nor will I probably ever be again). We each managed to unload a pair of shoes in exchange for store credit, so maybe I'll be able to pick up a new sweater or something. After that we had lunch and made the rounds to all the local party stores to brainstorm decoration ideas for B's 1980's themed 30th birthday bash which is coming up in 2 weeks. You know how I love throwing a party, so of course I offered to help her set everything up!
~Poss. triggs ahead~
As planned, Hubs and I spent Sunday afternoon/evening at my brother and SIL's to see baby J. She is so damn cute and such a good baby. I didn't want to put her down!
~TMI (and obsession) ahead~
I'm pretty sure either yesterday or today is CD1. Although, what I'm experiencing right now reminds me of what I experienced right before I got my BFP. Let me explain - last night (CD28) Hubs and I DTD since it was our last chance before AF's arrival. Afterwards I had some pink bleeding, not a lot, but enough to figure AF was starting. This morning there were just a few brown spots on my pad, and some beige-ish CM when I wiped. Then nothing until noon when I went to the RR, and when I wiped had about the same amount of pink bleeding as I did last night, maybe a bit more, but only 1 little brown spot on my pad. I do not normally spot before AF, and never have since I've been doing TCM.
Sigh... I'm anxious, scared, and trying not to be hopeful... But I have to remember I have no control over this. Chances are AF is just messing with me, maybe we knocked something loose DTD last night and that's why I'm all spotty. If it doesn't pick up by tomorrow I will test in the morning. Today I'm just going to try to keep breathing.
First, an update on my weekend activities:
My friend B and I went to the Barren exhibit on Saturday and it was very moving. Most of the pieces were photographs of things like empty cribs, strollers, and lonely toys. There were also some wintry scenes with bare trees and frost-covered ground. A few were mixed media and a technique I'm not really familiar with (and I forgot the name) that looked like multiple photo exposures layered together, but with a sketchy quality. Some of the pieces were quite graphic; apparently the artist experienced multiple early miscarriages, if that gives you an idea. She also had a few written pieces posted here and there, talking about visiting a friend who had just given birth, thoughts that seemed to have been written when she was in some of her darkest places, and so on. Those were the pieces that touched me the most. I guess maybe I have more of an appreciation for literary art than visual art. There were many points where I was choking back the tears. I don't really know what else to say about it. I'm very glad I went, but I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, you know? It definitely touched me, as I'm sure it would touch anyone who has dealt with infertility.
The rest of the day Saturday was much more lighthearted. B and I tried to sell some clothes and accessories at Bu.ffa.lo E.xcha.nge, and discovered that we're not nearly cool enough for them. Even my Be.tsey Jo.hnson dress was denied and that thing is CUTE (but a size 4, which I no longer am nor will I probably ever be again). We each managed to unload a pair of shoes in exchange for store credit, so maybe I'll be able to pick up a new sweater or something. After that we had lunch and made the rounds to all the local party stores to brainstorm decoration ideas for B's 1980's themed 30th birthday bash which is coming up in 2 weeks. You know how I love throwing a party, so of course I offered to help her set everything up!
~Poss. triggs ahead~
As planned, Hubs and I spent Sunday afternoon/evening at my brother and SIL's to see baby J. She is so damn cute and such a good baby. I didn't want to put her down!
~TMI (and obsession) ahead~
I'm pretty sure either yesterday or today is CD1. Although, what I'm experiencing right now reminds me of what I experienced right before I got my BFP. Let me explain - last night (CD28) Hubs and I DTD since it was our last chance before AF's arrival. Afterwards I had some pink bleeding, not a lot, but enough to figure AF was starting. This morning there were just a few brown spots on my pad, and some beige-ish CM when I wiped. Then nothing until noon when I went to the RR, and when I wiped had about the same amount of pink bleeding as I did last night, maybe a bit more, but only 1 little brown spot on my pad. I do not normally spot before AF, and never have since I've been doing TCM.
Sigh... I'm anxious, scared, and trying not to be hopeful... But I have to remember I have no control over this. Chances are AF is just messing with me, maybe we knocked something loose DTD last night and that's why I'm all spotty. If it doesn't pick up by tomorrow I will test in the morning. Today I'm just going to try to keep breathing.
10.18.2010
Still stuck
First of all, if you know Christina, or even if you don't, be sure to head over to her blog and offer your condolences on the loss of her mom, as well as the issues she is dealing with her dad right now. I feel just awful for her, no one should have to go through all of that at once.
I can't seem to get on top of my emotions lately. I would have been more than happy to stay at home on Sunday instead of going to the housewarming party we'd planned to drop by, but Hubs forced me to go. Even though I whined and pouted about it the whole time we were getting ready. In the end, I'm glad he made me. I spend an inordinate amount of time planted on the couch watching TV or mindlessly lurking on FB (or playing An.gry B.irds of course), and that is not good. Hubs and I were a pretty social couple once upon a time, but now... well, suffice it to say there was more than one person at the party who noted that it had been a few months since they last saw us. What am I supposed to say to that? "I know, so sorry, ever since my embryo died a little piece of me died too. And it was probably the piece that liked to party."
Anyway, the housewarming party was a good time in the end. Even though there were kids and babies around (I even held my friend's 1 month old for the first time), I had fun. I really need to do more of that. It's just hard to drag myself out of my depression and go. Luckily I have a "mean" husband to push me when I don't have the strength to do the pulling.
~Trigs Ahead~
After the party I got a photo text from my brother of my new niece, J! I was so shocked, I had no idea my SIL had even gone into labor. They were surprised too. As it turns out, she was only in labor for 5 hours before the baby was born. So we cruised over to the hospital to check her out. Baby J is adorable with a little round face and dark hair, and weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz.
Which brings me to today. Now, I stand by my declaration that I'm not jealous of my brother and SIL about the baby. I am very happy for them. But the combination of rainy-day Monday and just knowing this C is another bust made me really sad for myself. My mood followed me around until an hour or so after my acupuncture appointment, and thankfully it's pretty much dissipated now. (Really, it's amazing what acu does for my mood, it's a good thing my appointments are usually on Mondays.) Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm feeling very STUCK right now. I know, it's nothing new. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to move on and wanting to hide in my cave. It is very frustrating.
And finally, I completely forgot until I read Busted Kate's blogiversary post that it was my blogiversary this month too! October 8th marked two years since I started this here blog. I apologize that my posts aren't nearly as entertaining as BK's, but I do want to say a huge thank you to all the amazing, wonderful people I've met since that fateful day. Thanks for reading me, thanks for being there for me through the good times and the bad, and thanks for helping make this awful journey a little more bearable. You (yes you!) are the best!
**********
I can't seem to get on top of my emotions lately. I would have been more than happy to stay at home on Sunday instead of going to the housewarming party we'd planned to drop by, but Hubs forced me to go. Even though I whined and pouted about it the whole time we were getting ready. In the end, I'm glad he made me. I spend an inordinate amount of time planted on the couch watching TV or mindlessly lurking on FB (or playing An.gry B.irds of course), and that is not good. Hubs and I were a pretty social couple once upon a time, but now... well, suffice it to say there was more than one person at the party who noted that it had been a few months since they last saw us. What am I supposed to say to that? "I know, so sorry, ever since my embryo died a little piece of me died too. And it was probably the piece that liked to party."
Anyway, the housewarming party was a good time in the end. Even though there were kids and babies around (I even held my friend's 1 month old for the first time), I had fun. I really need to do more of that. It's just hard to drag myself out of my depression and go. Luckily I have a "mean" husband to push me when I don't have the strength to do the pulling.
~Trigs Ahead~
After the party I got a photo text from my brother of my new niece, J! I was so shocked, I had no idea my SIL had even gone into labor. They were surprised too. As it turns out, she was only in labor for 5 hours before the baby was born. So we cruised over to the hospital to check her out. Baby J is adorable with a little round face and dark hair, and weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz.
Which brings me to today. Now, I stand by my declaration that I'm not jealous of my brother and SIL about the baby. I am very happy for them. But the combination of rainy-day Monday and just knowing this C is another bust made me really sad for myself. My mood followed me around until an hour or so after my acupuncture appointment, and thankfully it's pretty much dissipated now. (Really, it's amazing what acu does for my mood, it's a good thing my appointments are usually on Mondays.) Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm feeling very STUCK right now. I know, it's nothing new. And I keep going back and forth between wanting to move on and wanting to hide in my cave. It is very frustrating.
**********
And finally, I completely forgot until I read Busted Kate's blogiversary post that it was my blogiversary this month too! October 8th marked two years since I started this here blog. I apologize that my posts aren't nearly as entertaining as BK's, but I do want to say a huge thank you to all the amazing, wonderful people I've met since that fateful day. Thanks for reading me, thanks for being there for me through the good times and the bad, and thanks for helping make this awful journey a little more bearable. You (yes you!) are the best!
10.12.2010
The Infertile's guide to surviving a kids' birthday party
I found a way to help me get through children's birthday parties - bring along a tyke! There are many benefits to borrowing a toddler for child-centered festivities:
1. You have someone to entertain and focus your attention on the whole time you're there. (You know, besides the other 10,000 kids swarming around you reminding you of your barrenness.)
2. Although you may not be able to jump into parenting discussions, you at least appear at first glace to be a parent, so no one asks if you have kids. And if anyone does start asking questions, you can pretend to be that overly-cautious mom and run off after your charge like she's getting into mischief.
3. Eventually the kid's parents will want her back, so you can leave whenever you want as long as you say, "I really hate to leave early, but her parents are expecting her home at __ o'clock."
4. Oh yeah, and the kid has fun too!
In case you hadn't guessed, Hubs and I brought our niece H (my brother's 2 year old) to our nieces V and J's (Hubs's brother's kids) birthday party on Saturday. And truly, it made things so much easier! I didn't have time to be sad, there were a ton of kids for H to play with and she had a great time, and an hour was the perfect amount of time to stick around - for both of us! Why didn't I think of this sooner?
It was a pretty decent weekend all around. And I topped it off by getting my highest score yet bowling last night! (145, my average starting off in this league was 105.) Now if today would get with the program and start easing up I'd have it made. Nothing like coming back to work after a three-day weekend and getting slammed!
1. You have someone to entertain and focus your attention on the whole time you're there. (You know, besides the other 10,000 kids swarming around you reminding you of your barrenness.)
2. Although you may not be able to jump into parenting discussions, you at least appear at first glace to be a parent, so no one asks if you have kids. And if anyone does start asking questions, you can pretend to be that overly-cautious mom and run off after your charge like she's getting into mischief.
3. Eventually the kid's parents will want her back, so you can leave whenever you want as long as you say, "I really hate to leave early, but her parents are expecting her home at __ o'clock."
4. Oh yeah, and the kid has fun too!
In case you hadn't guessed, Hubs and I brought our niece H (my brother's 2 year old) to our nieces V and J's (Hubs's brother's kids) birthday party on Saturday. And truly, it made things so much easier! I didn't have time to be sad, there were a ton of kids for H to play with and she had a great time, and an hour was the perfect amount of time to stick around - for both of us! Why didn't I think of this sooner?
It was a pretty decent weekend all around. And I topped it off by getting my highest score yet bowling last night! (145, my average starting off in this league was 105.) Now if today would get with the program and start easing up I'd have it made. Nothing like coming back to work after a three-day weekend and getting slammed!
10.08.2010
Better now
I can't thank you enough for your wonderful comments on Wednesday. This week has been really rough on me, and even though I know I can always count on you all for emotional support, I'm still amazed by your compassion. Thank you.
I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm in a pretty decent mood. On Tuesday night I had a big meltdown. It was ugly and awful and it carried into Wednesday, which was lots of fun to deal with at work. But I think it was necessary, like I was overflowing and these feelings just had to come out. And now my emotions are thankfully back to a more manageable level.
I've been wanting to share something with you - I decided to have a ring made to remember my lost little peanut. My good friend T makes amazing jewelry so we're working together on a design. I know many people use angels or butterflies or forget-me-nots, but those symbols didn't really appeal to me for a ring, and I couldn't think of any other symbols for loss or remembrance. So I googled. One image that kept coming up in my searches was the poppy, for Armistice Day. A red poppy traditionally symbolizes the bloodshed of WWI, but poppies in general have been used as a symbol of eternal repose as far back as ancient Greece and Egypt.
So I came up with a simple, vaguely abstract design for a semi-closed poppy as a copper embellishment on a silver band. I also want to incorporate a pear or teardrop-shaped ruby for two reasons: 1. I lost my baby in July and that's the birthstone for July (also my birthstone), and 2. It's similar in color and shape to a pomegranate seed, for infertility. I know it's probably hard to imagine how it's going to look, but it's pretty, I promise. T is excited to get started on it, so hopefully it won't be too long before I have it and can show you. I can't wait to have a tangible reminder of my peanut.
The bank is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I have a three-day weekend ahead of me. Tonight we're making pizza with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is T's birthday party, as well as a party for our two nieces on Hubs's side of the family. And at some point I would really like to go to that "Barren" photo exhibit I was talking about the other day too. So, busy, but not too crazy. Oh yeah, and I'm getting ready to O, so there's also that.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm in a pretty decent mood. On Tuesday night I had a big meltdown. It was ugly and awful and it carried into Wednesday, which was lots of fun to deal with at work. But I think it was necessary, like I was overflowing and these feelings just had to come out. And now my emotions are thankfully back to a more manageable level.
I've been wanting to share something with you - I decided to have a ring made to remember my lost little peanut. My good friend T makes amazing jewelry so we're working together on a design. I know many people use angels or butterflies or forget-me-nots, but those symbols didn't really appeal to me for a ring, and I couldn't think of any other symbols for loss or remembrance. So I googled. One image that kept coming up in my searches was the poppy, for Armistice Day. A red poppy traditionally symbolizes the bloodshed of WWI, but poppies in general have been used as a symbol of eternal repose as far back as ancient Greece and Egypt.
So I came up with a simple, vaguely abstract design for a semi-closed poppy as a copper embellishment on a silver band. I also want to incorporate a pear or teardrop-shaped ruby for two reasons: 1. I lost my baby in July and that's the birthstone for July (also my birthstone), and 2. It's similar in color and shape to a pomegranate seed, for infertility. I know it's probably hard to imagine how it's going to look, but it's pretty, I promise. T is excited to get started on it, so hopefully it won't be too long before I have it and can show you. I can't wait to have a tangible reminder of my peanut.
The bank is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I have a three-day weekend ahead of me. Tonight we're making pizza with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is T's birthday party, as well as a party for our two nieces on Hubs's side of the family. And at some point I would really like to go to that "Barren" photo exhibit I was talking about the other day too. So, busy, but not too crazy. Oh yeah, and I'm getting ready to O, so there's also that.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)
10.06.2010
Observing myself...as I spiral downward
People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant. It's true. For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day. This from the girl who lives for ice cream. You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective." It sounds nicer.
The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me. Does that make any sense? Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage. I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal". How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend. Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.
But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me. And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.
I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy. I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant. I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not. And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself.
I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened. How else is the pain going to end? If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.
I don't know what to do anymore. Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.
The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me. Does that make any sense? Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage. I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal". How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend. Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.
But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me. And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.
I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy. I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant. I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not. And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself.
I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened. How else is the pain going to end? If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.
I don't know what to do anymore. Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.
9.29.2010
Text from last night
Warning: Triggs ahead...
I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.
Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)
Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.
I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.
Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.
I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).
Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.
I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.
Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)
Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.
I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.
Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.
I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).
Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.
9.27.2010
Monday
CD1 today.
Ladies, I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle, really I did. But then AF was a couple of days later than I expected, and I was having funky cramps off and on, and there were a few days in a row last week when I was a little nauseated... So who was trying not to tear up listening to Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits on the way to work this morning? This girl right here.
If someone could invent a device or drug that turns off the part of my brain that wants to get pregnant I would totally buy it. It's just too painful anymore.
Ladies, I tried not to get my hopes up this cycle, really I did. But then AF was a couple of days later than I expected, and I was having funky cramps off and on, and there were a few days in a row last week when I was a little nauseated... So who was trying not to tear up listening to Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits on the way to work this morning? This girl right here.
If someone could invent a device or drug that turns off the part of my brain that wants to get pregnant I would totally buy it. It's just too painful anymore.
9.26.2010
What I'm doing next week
Just found out about this art exhibit in town (click on the word "Barren" in the lower right). It's called "Barren: life on infertile soil." I think Hubs and I will be going to to see it on Friday. I'll be sure to let you know what I think. :)
9.03.2010
FML
I just found out one of my employees is pregnant. It took her three months. To be fair, I knew, or at least had many good reasons to believe, that she and her husband had been trying. As much as it's sooo not about me, I have this feeling like I've been punched in the stomach.
I'm supposed to be the one getting bigger, finding out the sex of the baby any time now, and trying barf in the bathroom without anyone hearing.
To add to it, my suspicions that another woman in the department is also pregnant have been confirmed as well.
Not to be all Eeyore, but WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONE WHO ALWAYS GETS THE SHIT END OF THE STICK???
But at least my phone is working now.
I'm supposed to be the one getting bigger, finding out the sex of the baby any time now, and trying barf in the bathroom without anyone hearing.
To add to it, my suspicions that another woman in the department is also pregnant have been confirmed as well.
Not to be all Eeyore, but WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONE WHO ALWAYS GETS THE SHIT END OF THE STICK???
But at least my phone is working now.
8.13.2010
Friday fun: The answer to the ultimate IF question
I had a super fun post detailing the week that led up to my miscarriage, but after I wrote most of it I broke down in tears at my desk and decided to finish it another time. Lucky for you. :)
I'm trying to get back into commenting more regularly on everyone's blogs, and was reading Lookingforaplussign's most recent post about her bummer of an IVF consult this morning. (Go over and give her some encouragement and hugs if you would, please.) Something she said reminded me of something my acupuncturist told me this week, which I shared with CJ and which I am going to share with you right now in even more detail. Prepare to be blown away.
So. The ultimate IF question: Why is it that people who can't handle/support children can have them at will, while so many who can support them are infertile? (A la "Idiocracy.")
The comment from my acupuncturist that led me to the answer to the ultimate IF question: Human beings are not very good breeders. This is because we're predators and at the top of the food chain. Most predators are the same way - consider, for example, bears as opposed to mice. Bears only have a couple of cubs every few years or whatever, compared to mice, who might have 10 in a litter, and several litters per year. But bears eat a lot more than mice do, and if they were as prolific as mice they would soon outnumber their prey and die out.
Humans are even farther up the food chain so it follows that we're even poorer breeders than other predators (regardless of whether you eat other animals, you're still one of us). Why are we so far up the food chain? Technically we could be eaten by other animals (and sometimes are), but we have the intellectual capacity to better protect ourselves, not to mention to create and use tools that help us eat other less fortunate species.
If less intelligent species are lower on the food chain than smarter ones, it would follow that those humans on the lower end of the intelligence scale would also be lower on the food chain, and therefore more prolific than more intelligent humans, right? I mean, you wouldn't expect a 15 year old crack addict to be able to protect herself from a bear attack, would you? She needs to be able to procreate in order to protect her "sub-species," because let's face it, she isn't going to last too long in the wild. So she'll probably end up having 6-8 children to protect her lineage. Whereas someone with more intelligence would be more likely to figure out a way to survive a bear attack (or even defeat the bear), hence ensuring a longer lifespan, and reducing the need for multiple offspring to perpetuate their sub-species.
You see where I'm going with this. Clearly, since Infertiles are the least likely to be able to procreate with ease, it follows that there must be less need for us to procreate, meaning we are at the very, very top of the food chain and therefore (as we already knew) on the highest end of the intelligence scale.
So there you go. While it totally sucks that we have a harder time procreating, at least we know we're more likely to survive a bear attack.
And to any Fertile readers out there, I mean no disrespect to you! Since you are obviously as high on the intelligence scale as us Infertiles (you hang out with the likes of me, after all), I can only conclude that you're some kind of freak of nature for being able to procreate, when the laws of nature clearly dictate that you should be infertile too! ;)
Disclaimer: This post was in no way meant to be serious, so please don't take offense and start arguing with my indisputable facts. Let us poor barren bitches have our fun where we can get it.
I'm trying to get back into commenting more regularly on everyone's blogs, and was reading Lookingforaplussign's most recent post about her bummer of an IVF consult this morning. (Go over and give her some encouragement and hugs if you would, please.) Something she said reminded me of something my acupuncturist told me this week, which I shared with CJ and which I am going to share with you right now in even more detail. Prepare to be blown away.
So. The ultimate IF question: Why is it that people who can't handle/support children can have them at will, while so many who can support them are infertile? (A la "Idiocracy.")
The comment from my acupuncturist that led me to the answer to the ultimate IF question: Human beings are not very good breeders. This is because we're predators and at the top of the food chain. Most predators are the same way - consider, for example, bears as opposed to mice. Bears only have a couple of cubs every few years or whatever, compared to mice, who might have 10 in a litter, and several litters per year. But bears eat a lot more than mice do, and if they were as prolific as mice they would soon outnumber their prey and die out.
Humans are even farther up the food chain so it follows that we're even poorer breeders than other predators (regardless of whether you eat other animals, you're still one of us). Why are we so far up the food chain? Technically we could be eaten by other animals (and sometimes are), but we have the intellectual capacity to better protect ourselves, not to mention to create and use tools that help us eat other less fortunate species.
If less intelligent species are lower on the food chain than smarter ones, it would follow that those humans on the lower end of the intelligence scale would also be lower on the food chain, and therefore more prolific than more intelligent humans, right? I mean, you wouldn't expect a 15 year old crack addict to be able to protect herself from a bear attack, would you? She needs to be able to procreate in order to protect her "sub-species," because let's face it, she isn't going to last too long in the wild. So she'll probably end up having 6-8 children to protect her lineage. Whereas someone with more intelligence would be more likely to figure out a way to survive a bear attack (or even defeat the bear), hence ensuring a longer lifespan, and reducing the need for multiple offspring to perpetuate their sub-species.
You see where I'm going with this. Clearly, since Infertiles are the least likely to be able to procreate with ease, it follows that there must be less need for us to procreate, meaning we are at the very, very top of the food chain and therefore (as we already knew) on the highest end of the intelligence scale.
So there you go. While it totally sucks that we have a harder time procreating, at least we know we're more likely to survive a bear attack.
And to any Fertile readers out there, I mean no disrespect to you! Since you are obviously as high on the intelligence scale as us Infertiles (you hang out with the likes of me, after all), I can only conclude that you're some kind of freak of nature for being able to procreate, when the laws of nature clearly dictate that you should be infertile too! ;)
Disclaimer: This post was in no way meant to be serious, so please don't take offense and start arguing with my indisputable facts. Let us poor barren bitches have our fun where we can get it.
7.01.2010
CD1 (Yes, there will be swearing)
This is why I don't test. Testing costs money, and why spend money when AF is never more than a few days behind schedule? I'll take my heartache for free, thanks. What's even more fucking special is this means I'll probably be on my period the entire week we're camping at the beach at the end of the month. THANKS. Thanks a lot for adding insult to injury, AF, you horrible bitch.
Okay. No more swearing now, I just had to get that out of my system.
I had a visit to the gyno this morning for my referral to the RE. He went over all my IF test and lap results, and from what he said (and I'll confirm more with the RE when I go), it sounds like my endo was somehwat more serious than how the first doctor (the one who performed my surgery) made it sound. I was under the impression there were only a few little spots, but actually there were several.
I'm still undecided about treatments. IUI isn't really known to be real effective particularly for women with endo. Not to mention some drugs can aggravate it. I'm starting to feel more open to IVF, but I am still very torn. I don't like the idea of freezing embryos because I believe life begins at conception. I've decided to hold off on talking to my parents until after my consultation with the RE. That way I'll have as much information as possible to share with them, including (hopefully) the doctor's recommendations. My gyno has promised to submit the referral request ASAP, so hopefully I'll be able to get in fairly quickly.
In other news, we lost a member of our department today to some layoffs. She actually took it really well as she has a baby and wanted to find work closer to home anyway. I hope it works out for her, but of course it still sucks big time. No one is safe, and with this being the third round of layoffs we've had here in the two years I've been around, people are even more on edge. It's a good thing this weekend is a three-dayer, we're all going to need it.
I haven't weighed in for the w/l challenge, sorry! My only scale is the Wii Fit and frankly I was too tired and lazy last night to turn it on. Tonight though, as soon as I get home. I can make that promise because dinner is already in the crock pot - veggie chili, yummy - so I have no excuse.
Let's hope this day starts getting better. Judging by the cramps though, I'm not holding out much hope.
Okay. No more swearing now, I just had to get that out of my system.
I had a visit to the gyno this morning for my referral to the RE. He went over all my IF test and lap results, and from what he said (and I'll confirm more with the RE when I go), it sounds like my endo was somehwat more serious than how the first doctor (the one who performed my surgery) made it sound. I was under the impression there were only a few little spots, but actually there were several.
I'm still undecided about treatments. IUI isn't really known to be real effective particularly for women with endo. Not to mention some drugs can aggravate it. I'm starting to feel more open to IVF, but I am still very torn. I don't like the idea of freezing embryos because I believe life begins at conception. I've decided to hold off on talking to my parents until after my consultation with the RE. That way I'll have as much information as possible to share with them, including (hopefully) the doctor's recommendations. My gyno has promised to submit the referral request ASAP, so hopefully I'll be able to get in fairly quickly.
In other news, we lost a member of our department today to some layoffs. She actually took it really well as she has a baby and wanted to find work closer to home anyway. I hope it works out for her, but of course it still sucks big time. No one is safe, and with this being the third round of layoffs we've had here in the two years I've been around, people are even more on edge. It's a good thing this weekend is a three-dayer, we're all going to need it.
I haven't weighed in for the w/l challenge, sorry! My only scale is the Wii Fit and frankly I was too tired and lazy last night to turn it on. Tonight though, as soon as I get home. I can make that promise because dinner is already in the crock pot - veggie chili, yummy - so I have no excuse.
Let's hope this day starts getting better. Judging by the cramps though, I'm not holding out much hope.
6.29.2010
On a see-saw
Oh, heavens to Murgatroyd. I am driving myself crazy, so I just thought I'd jump on the ol' blog here and share the insanity.
Ahem. So. AF is due today and she's taking her sweet time making her grand entrance. That's the first thing making me nutty. Will she or won't she, will she or won't she? Well, I'm sure she will, but until she does my mind is foolishly wandering. The hormone roller coaster isn't helping matters either.
The second thing taking up way too much real estate in my mind is the whole treatments thing. I am starting to think, more and more, that my endo is causing more problems than everyone seems to think. I don't have much faith that IUI will work, and I would hate for my parents to spend a lot of money for nothing. They've offered to help pay for adoption too, but how can I ask them to help us more than once?? I don't think I can, and I'm not sure they could/would help with both anyway. I know this is something only hubs and I can figure out, but GOD I wish we didn't have to.
Hopefully I'll feel a little more sane when AF starts (or ya know, a day afterwards). Hopefully.
Ahem. So. AF is due today and she's taking her sweet time making her grand entrance. That's the first thing making me nutty. Will she or won't she, will she or won't she? Well, I'm sure she will, but until she does my mind is foolishly wandering. The hormone roller coaster isn't helping matters either.
The second thing taking up way too much real estate in my mind is the whole treatments thing. I am starting to think, more and more, that my endo is causing more problems than everyone seems to think. I don't have much faith that IUI will work, and I would hate for my parents to spend a lot of money for nothing. They've offered to help pay for adoption too, but how can I ask them to help us more than once?? I don't think I can, and I'm not sure they could/would help with both anyway. I know this is something only hubs and I can figure out, but GOD I wish we didn't have to.
Hopefully I'll feel a little more sane when AF starts (or ya know, a day afterwards). Hopefully.
6.28.2010
Gathering info for The Talk
It's been over an hour since my last post, did you miss me? Haha.
Well I just called and made an appointment with my gyno to get yet another referral to the RE. That's right, they've already submitted two referrals in the past year and a half, but at the time my insurance didn't cover squat, and hubs and I certainly didn't have the money to pay for it. So this time it's for real. I got an appointment for this Thursday morning, so thankfully I won't have to wait too long.
I also called the RE again and got some more pricing info for IUI, and man is it expensive! $1300-1600 per cycle, not including meds. Oy. It makes me really nervous to ask my parents for that much money, but ask I must. I'll let you know when that happens.
UPDATE: I checked out a second place and they price theirs totally differently than the first. The actual insemination procedure at place #2 is $200, the sperm wash is $170. She said a medicated C with clomid is about $700-1000, and with injectables "easily a few thousand." Ultrasounds and bloodwork are additional as well. This is a more "a la cart" place than the first, it seems. (The first place includes all monitoring, semen collection, etc. in that $1300-1600 price range.)
So, it's really hard to make a comparison... Hubs wants me to call a third office, guess I will have to do that after lunch!
Well I just called and made an appointment with my gyno to get yet another referral to the RE. That's right, they've already submitted two referrals in the past year and a half, but at the time my insurance didn't cover squat, and hubs and I certainly didn't have the money to pay for it. So this time it's for real. I got an appointment for this Thursday morning, so thankfully I won't have to wait too long.
I also called the RE again and got some more pricing info for IUI, and man is it expensive! $1300-1600 per cycle, not including meds. Oy. It makes me really nervous to ask my parents for that much money, but ask I must. I'll let you know when that happens.
UPDATE: I checked out a second place and they price theirs totally differently than the first. The actual insemination procedure at place #2 is $200, the sperm wash is $170. She said a medicated C with clomid is about $700-1000, and with injectables "easily a few thousand." Ultrasounds and bloodwork are additional as well. This is a more "a la cart" place than the first, it seems. (The first place includes all monitoring, semen collection, etc. in that $1300-1600 price range.)
So, it's really hard to make a comparison... Hubs wants me to call a third office, guess I will have to do that after lunch!
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