Observing myself...as I spiral downward

People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant.  It's true.  For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day.  This from the girl who lives for ice cream.  You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective."  It sounds nicer.

The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me.  Does that make any sense?  Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage.  I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal".  How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend.  Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.

But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me.  And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.

I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy.  I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant.  I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not.  And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself. 

I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened.  How else is the pain going to end?  If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.

I don't know what to do anymore.  Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.


Steph O. said...

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

I'm so sorry that you've ever had to go through any of this Kitty. IF is certainly unfair. My therapist sees m/c as a very real loss & one that needs to be properly grieved. The funny thing about grief is how it can come & go & even bounce from one "stage" to another. I hope you're doing better soon. Blog vent it in the meantime, we're here for ya.

(((((MORE HUGS)))))

Alex said...

Yes, it fucking sucks - no words can describe it. I agree with Steph - you have to go through all the emotions, and feel them before you can move on. And it's not a checklist kind of thing. You'll be feeling fine, and then you start all over again. It sucks.

I'm with you - I really hope a healthy baby cures the pain. But I don't think it will ever be cured. And I don't actually want it to be cured, as I need to remember where I came from, how hard I have fought for that baby. Assuming, of course, it ever shows up...

Hugs to you!

-my husband grows cotton- said...

IF is a wound on our soul. I feel that now the wound has healed and I have a scar since the birth of Little Sprout. A wound on others that is healed in other ways, or not healed at all. I have a scar that reminds me of what I experienced and what others are experiencing. That scar never goes away, but most of the pain is gone. That scar tugs at me to look at people in a different light. To cherish my moments with Little Sprout.

Does that make sense?

You are a strong person Kitty. I want you to know that.

((((((((BIGS HUGS))))))))))

Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.? said...

So sorry you have to go through this. I totally understand how you are feeling. ((HUGS))

Tanya said...


I'm sorry you have to go through this crap!

elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I am very sorry you have to deal with this.

Marianne said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this...I have never had a miscarriage so I can't begin to imagine what that feels like. I can empathize with wanting it all to be over. I think embracing the thought of stopping all treatments, "giving up" in a way sounds heavenly...because hope is a bitch, it leads to a let down over and over again. I'm sorry. I hope this is all worth it someday.

*Christina* said...

I'm so sorry you have to endure this. Experiencing the pain of a miscarriage is traumatic to anyone - especially those trying as long as IF couples. I had a hard time understanding my feelings after my miscarriages. You think you're dealing with it, but then you second guess yourself. Should you just move on like it never happened or dwell on it until you're miserable? There is no right answer and it sucks. It really, really sucks. No matter what, it's important for you to discuss this on your blog surrounded by women that understand and appreciate your struggle.


Miss Ruby said...

I wish I could take away the pain, the heartache, all of it, I truly do. I know how it feels and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Big hugs & know you're not alone in feeling like this.


Angie said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down, dear. ((Hugs)) I won't pretend to know what you're going through exactly, because I don't know. But I DO understand the pain of IF, and I know that if anybody can muddle through that pain, it's you. You are one tough chick, and I greatly admire your strength.

Allison said...

A-fucking-men, sister. For a long time, I felt sheer terror at the mere thought of seeing two lines again. But eventually, that subsides (I don't think it will ever go away).

Because in the end, no matter what, our hearts still long for that baby and just like we'll be momma-bears protecting them when we have them, we will fight hard to get them here.