People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant. It's true. For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day. This from the girl who lives for ice cream. You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective." It sounds nicer.
The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me. Does that make any sense? Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage. I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal". How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend. Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.
But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me. And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.
I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy. I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant. I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not. And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself.
I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened. How else is the pain going to end? If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.
I don't know what to do anymore. Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.