So I haven't had EWCM the past couple months. And then yesterday and today (CD 10 and 11, respectively) I have it! Come on!!! Hubs isn't going to be home until Sunday, I can't possibly be Oing already!

UGH. The gods are against me!

I am going to start OPKs today, and I'm gonna be PISSED if I get a positive one before Sunday. No pun intended.

ETA: Just went to the grocery store and the bag boy stopped me on my way out, and tried to give me a bag that wasn't mine. What was in the bag? EGGS. A dozen and a half EGGS! I don't want them yet!!! Sigh...


Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."


What is your salad dressing of choice? Balsamic vinaigrette.

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? I can't pick just one! Ma.caro.ni Grill for a chain, and lots of local places - The Greek, Gloria's Kitchen, Sushi Marina, Cafe Nouveau... I love food.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? In-n-Out, hands down! I feel a little sorry for anyone east of Nevada because it doesn't exist out there.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Mexican.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Pepperoni, and all the veggies.

How many televisions are in your house? Two.

What color cell phone do you have? Orange and black.


Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Some teeth and some endo.

What is the last heavy item you lifted? Our new doors.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Yep. I crashed my bike into a car when I was 10. Woops!

Have you ever fainted? Yep, due to AF! She has always been my nemesis.


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? Heck no!!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't. I WOULD like to get people to pronounce it correctly though (I am NOT "Katie Van Doreen").

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Two.

Last person you talked to? Some chick at work.


Season? In the winter I long for summer, and vice versa. So right now, summer!

Holiday? Anything that yields me a day off work.

Day of the week? Friday, right before the weekend. I guess I love the anticipation.

Month? July, my birthday month!

Color? Pretty much any shade of teal.

Drink? Water or green tea. Alcoholic - wine or martinis.


Missing someone? Hubs. I've made it halfway through his absence though, only 2 more nights!

What are you listening to? One of my minions on a personal call. She makes way too many.

What are you watching? Just the monitor. The world around me is a barren beige wasteland.

Worrying about? Nothing at the moment; that's gotta be a first!

What's the last movie you saw? Extract. It kinda sucked.

Do you smile often? I think so. I know I laugh too much, so I must smile a lot.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Brighter green. People always think they're brown because they're so dark.

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A baby in the belly. If that doesn't work out, a big party. I'm turning 30!

Can you do a chin-up? I am sure I cannot.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Excited. I've always looked forward to my 30's, they can't be worse than my 20's. (Knock on wood.)

Have you been in a car wreck? Nothing too serious, but yes.

Have you caused a car wreck? Ummm... yes.

Do you have an accent? I don't think so.

Last time you cried? Hmm... I actually can't remember.

Plans tonight? Girls' night in at my place. Should be fun!

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Oh yes. Depression does that to a person.

Name three things you bought yesterday. Gas, Su.daf.ed, and a box of tissues.

Have you met someone who changed your life? Hubs!!

For the better or worse? MUCH better.

How did you bring in the New Year? Sitting on the couch watching Sou.th Pa.rk.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Nope.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Whatever's in my head. Which usually isn't much at 6 a.m. I sing in the car all the time though.

Have you held hands with someone today? Nope.

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Atticus. Yes, he is a person. :)

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? I guess new, but I'm still closest with my old friends.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Eh, I like a little pulp.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? It's been forever.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? SLEEPING. Probably snoring too.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Well, Atticus woke me up at 4:30 with a cold paw on my arm, so it was probably something like, "What the hell do you want?? NO I am not going to feed you right now!!" But I pretended to be asleep so he'd leave me alone. It worked, he fell back asleep. I didn't.


Colds, vitamins, and IF

Nothing helps me remember to take my vitamins like being sick. I'm currently taking my prenatal, royal jelly, B complex (that's a new one), echinacea, EmergenC, and fish oil. My purse looks like a pharmacy.

I am hoping last night was the peak of my cold. I was miserable, and I seriously considered not coming to work today because of it. As it is I'm planning on leaving early. I just want this cold to be on its way out by Friday!

So for a while now I've been thinking that my LP is on the short side, have I ever mentioned that? I think it's about 11 or 12 days, since I normally don't get positive OPKs until CD15 or 16 in a 28 day C, and isn't that supposed to mean I don't actually O until a day or two after that? I decided to start taking a B complex to see if that helps me out at all. It can't hurt, right? Since there is apparently nothing wrong with me except a tiny bit of endo, I just want to do whatever I can to get this ball rolling already. And if that means I have to take every supplement known to man, then that's what I'll do!


The boards

Has anyone been keeping up with the changes We.bM.D is making to the message boards this week/weekend? I've been lurking a bit on the 12+mo board, and saw this from By.ron.ey today: http://boards.webmd.com/webx?THDX@@.89f0887d!thdchild+.89f0887d

I think the option to set up your own message boards ("exchanges") is such a great idea. I kinda miss the ease of communication they provided when many of us were on the 12+mo board. Blogs are great for keeping up with each other one on one, but the boards made it easy to keep up with everyone at once, and made it easier to kind of "chat" with each other as well.

I've been thinking of setting up one or more exchanges, once the option is available. They can be public or private (by invitation), and I can think of reasons to use both. For example, an idea for a public exchange could be "Coping with IF" or something, and then have an invitation-only exchange just for people we know to chit chat or whatever. Really anyone could set up anything they want.

The 12+mo board doesn't "do it" for many of us still TTC, but is everyone over the idea of boards in general? Or would you visit a public or private board again if it was more suited to your needs/wants? Am I the only one who thinks it's a cool idea? :)

Work and the week and stuff

The hubs landed a second interview! Please keep everything crossed that it goes well next week. His friend T works for this company and he's really pulling for him to get hired. He said there are 4 candidates left, so he's not exactly a shoe-in, but they started with 8, so that's not too shabby either. It would be beyond wonderful if he gets hired for this position - more pay, no more working in a branch, casual environment. Seems like a really good place to work, and a much better fit for him.

As far as my work is going... The Hag has decided to stop being haggy (for now, that is - she could change her mind again this afternoon), but my new attitude towards her is "professional and polite, not friendly." I just can't wait until this economy turns back around and I can try to find a job I really like. That probably won't happen for another year or so, but I can hope! Until then, this one pays the bills and I should be grateful for that. At least if the Hag is off my case that's one less thing to fret over.

Well, tonight is my last night with hubs until Sunday. He's leaving tomorrow for his friend's bachelor party trip. I hate when he's gone, but at least with a deadbolt on the front door I'll feel a lot safer alone than last time. I also bring the gun out and keep it nearby at night. What? I said I don't like being alone!

I try to plan as many activities as possible whenever hubs is out of town. This time I only have a couple things going on - girls' night in at my place on Friday, and an event that hubs's uncle is putting on on Saturday night. Girls' night should be fun, I already have more people planning on coming than I expected, and now I have to figure out how to fit everyone into my tiny house! I think I'll do Wii games in the living room, and board games in the kitchen, then movies later on for those planning on staying the night. Hopefully it's a fun time for everyone :)

And hopefully this cold doesn't get any worse or there might not be a girls' night! So far so good, I'm downing my vitamins like they're going out of style and I feel okay. It's mostly just a nuisance at this point. Not much else I can do anyway.

Alrighty, it's obvious I'm just bored today and I'm only delaying the inevitable. I should probably get some work done!


A case of the Mondays

I've been dreading today all weekend long, thanks to The Hag. Just when I was starting to mellow out about my job, not get overly stressed every morning as I'm getting ready for work, stop hoping to get sick so I don't have to come in for a couple of days, something like that has to happen. Oh, and I am getting sick too! Unfortunately not sick enough to stay home (yet). It's just a cold, and I plan to beat it into submission with echinacea and EmergenC.

My weekend was fairly calm. Friday was fun - hubs and I went out for dinner with another couple then met up with a handful more friends for drinks afterwards. It was a good time, and I'm slowly but surely getting a little closer to some of the people in that group. I got my hair cut on Saturday (it falls just below the jaw now, I'll have to take a pic soon), after which we just relaxed at home. Sunday was new front door day! Hubs's dad came over to install it and decided he wanted to get some practice first, so he installed the entry door on the garage too. Sweet! The front door still needs the trim put back on, but it's in and operable! I'm going to try to paint it on Saturday so it's all done by the time hubs gets back from his trip with the guys on Sunday. I took a picture of the old door before the guys pulled it out, so I'll post that and an "after" photo once it's totally done. Already it's such a huge difference, though. (Even with the blue painter's tape covering the gaps.) Almost like a real house. :)

While the doors were getting put in, I was on cat-patrol to make sure Atticus didn't escape. So pretty much I spent all day watching TV and surfing the web. On one of my many FB logins I discovered that I have another IF buddy - a girl I used to hang out with a few years ago, friend of a (no longer) friend kinda thing. We've been FB friends for a while, and of course I'd realized that she and her husband, who got married the same month as hubs and I, still don't have kids. I wasn't sure whether that was by choice or thanks to Mother Nature though. Not that I wish IF on anyone, it's just nice to know that I'm not alone in real life.

Well, time to get some work done I suppose. Have a simply smashing Monday, all!


The Hag

Well so much for hoping for an easy Friday!

Today my ex-boss, henceforth to be referred to only as "The Hag," went off on me about something not work-related. She's always flying off the handle about something ridiculous, then a few hours later acting as if nothing happened. Usually it's about work, which I can deal with. But today when she questioned a personal choice of mine (as if it was any of her business) and then had the nerve to belittle me for it, within earshot of one of my employees no less, I reached my limit. I was so mad I was shaking; she really crossed the line. So I complained to our boss about it. He says he will talk to her, and I hope he does.

From now on I'm documenting everything unprofessional and inappropriate she says or does to me or any of my direct reports. She needs to learn that she can't treat people the way she does and get away with it. Honestly, she's half the reason I want to quit.

I am itching to get out of here. Luckily, I'm leaving early today; only 30 minutes to go. Come on clock!! MOVE!

Happy 10 for Happy Friday

Thank you to Kate for giving me the Happy 10 Award! I'm always on the slow train in posting awards, but better late than never, right?

So on with the show. Here are ten things that make me happy (in no particular order):

1. Being married to hubs, who is the yin to my yang.

2. Atticus! I maintain that I managed to adopt the most awesome cat in the world, and he brings both hubs and I lots of joy.

3. My backyard. It may not be the prettiest yard ever, but it's big and sunny and smells like plants. And if it wasn't for the backyard we could never have parties!

4. My underlings. They make my job bearable.

5. My best friends, A, J, B, and T.

6. Music, especially fun harmonies that I can sing along to and blast on my car stereo.

7. The smell of the ocean.

8. The smell of ripe strawberries in the fields on my drive home. Mmm... And later in the year, the smell of onions! DIVINE!!

9. Long, sunny Saturdays.

10. Fridays that ZOOM by!!! (Fingers crossed!)

I now nominate (and sorry for any repeats):

CJ at Al/right already!
My SIL - Pinkzombies


Acupuncture and stuff

Funny how I've been wondering about my acupuncture referral and then all this information comes flying at me at once!

The day after I called my GP, I got a voicemail from the acupuncturist saying they'll give me a discount if I decide to come in on my own. Of course I called back! The lady said the initial consultation and workup, which would also probably include a treatment, would be $90. After that they'd work out a package based on my needs, and would be $55 per treatment (not sure how often I'll need to go in though). That's not too bad. She kept emphasizing that the priority would be to get my body in balance so that it can do what it's supposed to do. Well no problem, lady, I'm totally down for that!

Then I got home and the letter from the ins co had finally arrived. Basically there is no way they'll cover the acu. They ONLY cover it for TWO reasons: 1. severe nausea caused by pregnancy or some other thing I can't remember, or 2. knee or hip pain caused by some other thing I can't remember. Hubs thinks I should appeal anyway, but I think it would be a waste of time. They spelled out in the letter what's covered and I can't even get coverage for my NECK pain, which is totally legit. So anyway, I'm thinking I may try going on my own in a few months, after taxes are paid off (yes, we owe!! LAME). And at that point I intend to shop around and see if anyone else will offer a better price (nowhere shady though). I figure the alternative medicine providers might be struggling in this economy so maybe they'll be more willing to cut a deal. It's worth a shot!

In other news... there is no other news. This is my second C drinking the raspberry leaf tea from CD1 to O. I'm not sure if it's helping my cramps or if the lap just actually worked, but I'm in less pain than I used to be, so that's good. I've kind of given up thinking that green tea is helping my CM, since I used to get tons of EWCM and lately its been MIA even though I drink green tea daily. Oh well. There is always PreSeed, which I need to order before next C when I take the Clomid. Thanks for reminding me :)

This C may end up being a bust because hubs is going to be gone for a few days right before O. We'll see how it works out but I'm not stressing over it. I'm just trying to find some of my friends to keep me company while he's gone! I don't like being alone. At least I'll have a new front door with a deadbolt to keep me safe though!

Sorry for my lazy writing. I'm just waiting for this day to end so Friday can come and usher in the weekend!

Semen pH

I've always been a tiny bit concerned about hubs's SA results showing his pH to be at 8.0. Yes, it is within the "normal" range (7.2 - 8.0), but I worried that it was on the high end of normal. The doctors haven't been concerned with it. But you know how it is being an IFer, questioning everything!

I won't bore you with the details of how I found this, but take a look:

It's a conversation among a bunch of doctors discussing the usefulness of measuring semen pH in SA, and even more interesting (I thought) - that the "normal" range is pretty arbitrary. I don't necessarily agree with everything they say, but overall it makes sense. And it makes me feel a lot better about hubs's results!



So it's officially Lent. And for the first time in a few years I am giving something up for these 40 days. And that thing is: swearing. I'd like to give up infertility for Lent but I don't know how, I already don't drink soda, and booze helps me deal with the IF, so swearing it is!

I never used to swear so much, and lately I've been sounding more like a sailor than a lady. I don't even know where I come up with some of the things I say, except that sometimes I actually try to say the most gutter-mouthiest thing I can think of to try to express my frustration. Not really a good thing. And even hubs, the epitome of "bad Catholic," has been scolding me for my blasphemy lately. He's right. It needs to stop. And I might as well attempt to stop ALL of my foul language at once, not just the blasphemy (which is of course the worst).

I am allowing myself the use of "hell" though. It's in the Bible, after all, so it can't be that bad. ;)

I'm trying to come up with some satisfying replacement words and phrases, so if you see anything totally off the wall in my posts, that should explain it. The only thing I've got so far is, "For the LOVE!" Which is suprisingly gratifying to say, especially in traffic. If you have any additional suggestions I'm all ears! I need to learn how to "use my words."

Oh yeah, and I do realize I swore once or twice in my earlier post today. Oops. And I said sh** out loud twice today. I should probably do some kind of penance for that... maybe my cramps will count for something, though.

Who else is giving something up for Lent?

The stigma of infertility

Some of you saw my aunt's comment on FB last night (FYI she (obviously?) is not the same aunt who struggled with IF for 10 years herself). For those of you who didn't, my status was: "Kitty VD hates infertility. Even with strawberries. Now pass the vodka." (Who caught my Spa.ceb.alls reference?) My aunt's response was: "Did you ever stop to think alcohol might be a factor? Not that I know anything, just wondering."

Hmm. What I wanted to respond with was, "If that's the case, thousands of products of drunken one night stands are going to demand a recount." But I chickened out.

My decision to be open about my infertility was made consciously. To be honest, part of that reason is because I need support from my friends and family, and for the most part I get it. I do realize that when I post things on FB about infertility there's a chance someone's going to say something incredibly ignorant and hurtful, and I choose to take that chance. Actually, I welcome those comments - on FB, that is. If someone said what my aunt said to my face I'd be shocked. On FB I have time to gather my thoughts, to determine whether the person is ignorant and needs to be educated, or whether they're a real asshole. Knowing what I do about my aunt, I can conclude she is merely (albeit hugely) ignorant, and a bit overly cautious. (For the record, I did NOT drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka last night. I had 2 Miller Lites and a bowl of ice cream.)

I do want to reply to her, though, because her comment made me think of the term "the stigma of infertility." Maybe I've been sheltered, but I'm just starting to understand that it really exists! Isn't it awful that when some people hear you can't have kids, their minds immediately go to, "you must be doing something wrong"? You must be overly stressed, you must drink too much, you must not be "doing it" right, you must not be gardening enough, you must not be praying hard enough, you must have done (or not done) something to deserve this. I'm amazed that more people don't assume a medical problem could possibly be the culprit. And I feel that those people need - nay! - they are CRYING OUT to be educated. And if I don't try to set them straight I can't complain about their ignorance, right?

So before I reply to my aunt, I wanted to post this and get your opinions. Sort of help me gather my thoughts. I am going to be very diplomatic about it, I won't be rude or snarky (even though I want to be), so keep that in mind when I ask, what would you like to say to someone in this situation? What, to you, would be important information to convey?



Well, my psychic powers have failed me, AF isn't showing up tomorrow, because she showed up just now.


At least she didn't ruin my undies.

I'm gonna go cry over a burrito now.


It's CD28 and I fear AF is imminent. Unless my psychic powers deceive me she will be here tomorrow. The cramps have mellowed out and the bbs are still a little sore, but she can't fool me. I've been keeping my eye on her long enough to know all her tricks by now.

Course now that I say that she'll probably sneak attack me today and ruin my new undies. The b*tch. That's what I get for wearing new undies on CD28 though.

Last night hubs and I had our massages and it was heavenly. Once mine was done I was ready to SLEEP. Not just super relaxed, but exhausted-ready-to-pass-out-at-8:00. Today I'm a little achey, which I guess is fairly common. I'm sure having my super-tense muscles worked on for an hour is bound to have its effects. I feel like I got a workout! I think I can talk hubs into making this a regular thing though. He even said as Aunt K was leaving that we should schedule another one around O time next C. I guess he likes to have me pliable. ;)

(Heyyy nice, someone just brought me an envelope full of Hershey's Kisses and peanut M&M's. How did she know I was PMSed?)

I'm pretty excited about taking the royal jelly and of course I already started. (Dot, to answer your question here's a short article.) I only wonder if I should take more - 1 capsule is 500 mg, and I thought I read somewhere that 1000 mg is recommended. I know it's okay to take that much, I'm just cheap and I want to make my little supply last as long as possible :)

Somehow that reminded me that I still haven't gotten any info on my acupuncture referral! So I just called the doc's office to see if it was denied... and it was. :( The doctor's office doesn't have the reason, so I can either call the ins co or wait for my letter. Either way, they're a bunch of b*stards. I hate insurance.

At least I have this envelope full of chocolate to drown my sorrows in.



I was able to get some royal jelly at the honey farm today, they sell it in capsules which is way handy! It wasn't too expensive - just $12 for 100 capsules, and you can take one or two per day. They also sell propolis there, which Misty mentioned the other day you should take with the RJ. I tried to find some info on that but couldn't find anything, so I didn't buy it. Does anyone know if/why the two should be taken together?

We've had a really nice V-Day. After honey tasting (which took all of 15 minutes), we walked through some model homes on the way back to town. I love looking at model homes! We daydream about what kind of house we'd buy and how we'd set it up if money was no object. After that we went to Lo.we's and bought all new exterior doors for the house. It's been a long time coming - the doors we have now are not very secure, not very sturdy, and ugly as sin. Hubs's dad is going to help us install the front door next week, and then I'll get to paint it. I'm thinking an earthy green to go with our yellow and white house. Slowly but surely our little bungalow is coming together. :)

I hope everyone is enjoying the weekend and had a wonderful Valentine's Day! I'm off to feed my whiney animal and hopefully relax for the rest of the evening.


It's Friday!

Words cannot express how overwhelmingly relieved I am that it is FINALLY Friday. Three-day-weekend Friday to boot. Yesterday was a ridiculously crazy day with issues at work. So much so that I didn't even get to take a lunch break; I ate a granola bar at my desk at 3:00. Yep. Filling. Here's hopin' that today is nothing like that!

I've been looking forward to this weekend for two weeks, I hope it lives up to the hype! Tomorrow my friend Tracy and I are doing another bridesmaid dress shopping excursion, this time in the L.A. area, so maybe with a bigger selection to choose from we'll find the winner! Saturday night hubs and I are going to a sort of "launch" party for a book that our friend J wrote. We don't know anything about the book except that several of J's friends, including hubs and I, are characters in it and that, "it's nothing like we imagine." So I'm anxious to finally see it! I'll tell you all about it next week.

For Valentine's Day hubs and I are doing something we've been talking about for months - we're going honey tasting! There's a family-owned honey farm nearby and they do free tastings 7 days a week. They also sell royal jelly, which as you know is supposed to boost fertility, so maybe I'll weasel a souvenir out of the trip too! Other than that we don't have big V-Day plans. Our favorite pizza place makes a heart-shaped pizza so we're thinking of ordering one, and I was going to make a red velvet cake for hubs, but he also wants banana bread and if I don't make it soon I'm going to have a big pile of banana mush on my kitchen table. So I'm thinking he's getting a Valentine's banana bread loaf instead of a cake! Maybe I'll dye it pink or something. :)

The best part of the weekend, though, is going to be Monday. At 5:00 hubs's aunt is coming over to give us each a one hour massage! She's an awesome masseuse and I soooo can't wait. My poor neck and shoulders are still achey even after 2 recent trips to the chiropractor. I think it's just muscle ache, so Aunt K should work wonders. I want to set up the office with candles and maybe some incense, soft lighting, music, etc. Really turn the room into a relaxing sanctuary.

Now to just get through today. Come on clock, move faster!!


Show and Tell: Von Ruxpin

Tonight is Martini Wednesday, and I may (or may not) be the tiniest bit tipsy as I type this.

Hubs is currently on his way to Ma.ca.roni Gr.ill to pick up some dinner, and I am left to my own devilish devices. Yes, I do realize, even in my semi-drunken state, that it's a bit sad for my devilishness to extend only to participating in show and tell. Whatever. Deal with it.

I also realized shortly after deciding to participate that I might not have anything particularly interesting to share for show and tell. And even if I did have an interesting photo to share, I may not have anything interesting to say about it. So I went with it. I opened iPhoto and chose the first pic that looked good to me. Here it is:

What you see above is known in some very small circles as the Von Ruxpin Breakfast Sandwich. Hubs and I came up with it one fine Sunday morning when we wanted something yummy for breakfast, but only had 2 eggs, some bacon and a couple hamburger buns. I thought an egg fried in a pan on its own wouldn't quite fit on the tiny bun, so I pulled out my teddy bear cookie cutter and cooked the egg inside of it. And viola! Delicious AND adorable! Right?

(Note: if you attempt to make a Von Ruxpin of your own, I highly recommend applying some non-stick spray to the cookie cutter prior to frying the egg. Also, and this is pretty obvious, a metal cookie cutter is probably your best bet!)

Learning to manage my stress

On my way home from work yesterday I suddenly remembered a summer day from years and years ago. I was driving around with a couple of friends, going nowhere in particular. We ended up cruising down this road on the outskirts of town that wound for a few miles between two hills. I remember taking in the sun and grass and flowers and trees, and enjoying the simple beauty of the moment.

And you know what? I can't remember a time in the past two years when I felt the same way.

Between my job and infertility, I've been feeling some level of anxiety almost constantly for two whole years. I get those yucky butterflies in my stomach on a daily basis. I have more headaches now than I ever used to. My "core" muscles and shoulders are perpetually tense. And I'm starting to get wrinkles in my forehead from the look of worry that's permanently plastered to my face.

The wrinkles are really the last straw.

I know I've said it before, but I'm trying to manage my stress better. It's a tad overwhelming when the stress is so pervasive, though, and I still haven't quite figured out how to get it under control. But I'm learning some things that work for me. For one, it helps that hubs and I have been busier during the week. I internalize everything, so the more I stay out of my own head the better. I've also been keeping up pretty well with my 100 Pushups, 200 Situps and 200 Squats regimens, and that helps too, probably because I'm so exhausted by the time I finish a workout that I don't have the energy to worry. (I see a really nice difference in my arms, waist and thighs, too! That definitely helps!)

One reason I'm looking forward to acupuncture is that I keep reading it produces a sense of well-being. Even if it doesn't help my fertility, I'll count it as a success if I feel more at ease afterwards. I also decided that for Valentine's Day hubs and I are going to hire his aunt, who's a professional masseuse, to come over and give us each an hour massage. We don't normally do much to celebrate VDay, but this year I think we've both earned it! And maybe I can talk him into letting me (or both of us) get regular massages every month or two. :)

For me, persistence is definitely key. I need to remember that staying active and busy actually helps me feel less stressed. Sitting on the couch watching the boob tube for hours on end does NOT. It's hard for a lazy person like me to get disciplined! But hopefully it'll pay off in the end and I'll be able to enjoy life a little bit more. Even if I don't have everything I want.


Another weekend gone

And here we are again, back at Monday.

The weekend was slightly roller-coastery, but overall it wasn't terrible. It started out with drinks at my friend A's apartment on Friday night. I've mentioned her a couple times recently, but long story short, she was my BFF for years and the MOH in my wedding, but for the past couple years we've been out of touch. Then in November we started talking and seeing each other again, and shortly after that she got engaged. Well on Friday I was so incredibly surprised and honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this summer! It warms my heart to know that our friendship still means as much to her as it does to me. :)

What warmed my heart slightly less was after chatting with my friend for over five hours, I called hubs to let him know I was heading home. I felt terrible because I thought it was going to be a fairly early evening for both of us (though why I thought that I have no idea!). But there was no need to feel bad, turns out he was still at a friend's house too. And he was wasted! Apparently the two of them had gone through an entire bottle of sake the size of a wine bottle, in addition to beer. So, good wifey that I am, I picked him up and took him home. It was actually pretty funny, I don't think I've ever been around hubs when he was that drunk and I was totally sober. Needless to say, Saturday we didn't do much but sit around and watch TV while he recovered.

Unfortunately, sitting around and watching TV for 12 hours does bad things to a depressive person like me, and it didn't help that hubs got confirmation that the friend I mentioned to you on Friday is in fact pg. Ugh. Sunday morning I stayed in bed until almost 11:00, feeling sorry for myself and wondering why God hasn't answered my prayers, along with so many of yours. I guess He did answer one though, and I should count my blessings to have a hubby that would sit next to me the whole time, validating my feelings while simultaneously trying gently to pull me out of my cave. And eventually he succeeded.

Once I shook off my depression, we headed off to hubs's cousin's 13th birthday party, a Superbowl party, and dinner at my parents' house. It was a busy day and it went by way too fast. I'm so glad next weekend is a three day-er!

Thank you all for your comments on Friday, by the way. Call me a follower, but I feel a lot better knowing you don't think I'm a dummy for taking Clomid unmonitored. :)

Also, if you haven't yet, please go over to Allison's blog and give her a big hug.


Gyno update

And I'm back!

Well, there's bad news and there's semi-not-so-bad news.

Bad news first: I've already had all the tests done, including the 7DPO b/w. I kind of had a feeling that I had... Dang my shoddy memory! As for the post-coital, Dr. G said it's basically been proven useless except in extreme cases, such as if you've had cone biopsies where the CM has been effected. So, not gonna happen.

Sigh... And I was so excited about having 50% coverage for diagnosis! I guess it's a good thing though, considering all my tests were 100% covered by my old insurance.

Dr. G started yammering on about how this is only my second C since the lap, and when I told him I'm not getting any younger he actually rolled his eyes at me! Punk. I like the guy, but he pisses me off sometimes too. ;) He said to keep using the OPKs and give it a few more months to see if the lap did the trick. Well I told him there's been a cycle or two (and I think this might be one of them) where I never did see a positive OPK, and that my EWCM has been MIA a few times as well... Which leads me to...

The semi-not-so-bad news: He gave me a prescription for Clomid. 50mg, CD5-9. No, it's not going to be monitored, and Dr. G wasn't too concerned about that when I asked. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm also a little desperate. If not for the fact that I haven't seen a truly positive OPK this C (and another recent C too) - and that the lines are now getting lighter, and that I still haven't seen any EWCM - I would seriously consider not taking it. But I think I'm going to go for it. I know there are risks to using it unmonitored - multiples, thin lining, cysts, etc., but I'm thinking - it's only 1 C. Hubs is going out of town at the end of the month, which will be around O time next C, so I probably won't even use it until the C after next.

Feel free to verbally abuse me for my irresponsibility. (Just kidding, please don't abuse me, verbally or otherwise. I'm sensitive!)

I do have this nagging feeling I should get the b/w redone... But I also wonder if the reason I haven't seen a positive OPK lately is because I've been taking them later in the day, almost 8:00, when before I always took them at 5:00. They did get darker and darker this C, very nearly as dark as the control line the other day, so I'm wondering if I may have just missed it? Plus the tests I'm using now are the SUPER cheap ones, and I've even had some complete duds in the batch. Still doesn't explain the lack of EWCM, but I don't feel inside, I just wipe and check. There's been no problem with lubrication...

Ugh. Do you sometimes feel like you just know WAY TOO MUCH about all this stuff??? I kind of miss being ignorant.

Okay this is getting ridiculous and I actually do have some work to do before heading home. So I shall wish you all a good day and a wonderful weekend!

Tangent day

Hubs and I have been speculating for a few days about some friends of ours who got married not quite a year ago. It's been common knowledge in our circle that they've been "not preventing" for the past few months, and a few vague comments on their FB page have led me to conclude that they've succeeded in what they've barely attempted to do. Granted, I don't know for sure if that's the case, but I'm a pessimist, rememeber? (I even use this mug every single day at work, lest I forget.) So I always assume the worst. Well, the worst for me. If it's true it's great news for them of course.

My reaction was predictable, something along the lines of telling hubs in a particularly acidic tone, "UGH. I'm pretty sure she's pregnant," followed by IRL frowny faces a la :( and >:( But what was surprising was hubs's reaction. He said, "Well if they are, I'll be pissed, but..." And I don't remember what he said after the "but," because I was totally caught off guard by hearing he'd be pissed, and I may have stopped listening at that point. So I asked why. I mean, I know why I would be, but his normal response is to say he's happy for his friends. He's generous like that. This time his answer was pretty much exactly the same as what my answer would have been had the question been asked of me - he wants one, it's not fair, etc. etc. And I was all like, "Welcome to the Dark Side, my young apprentice..."

And then we drank our White Russians (since bowling night was cancelled), watched some TV, attempted to make a baby of our own and went to bed.

Which brings us to today: I'm deciding not to worry about others and focus on the task at hand. Today is gyno day! I really hope my doctor has some options for me for more testing. Thank you for all your suggestions, I'm going to push for the 7DPO b/w and the post coital. Although honestly I may have already had the 7DPO testing and I just can't remember... (That's not unusual for me. I once suffered through an entire summer semester of American History at community college so I could transfer to a State school from the private school I had previously attended. It was the single worst class I've ever taken. And I didn't realize until the day before the final that I ALREADY TOOK AMERICAN HISTORY! So I stopped stressing, ditched the final, and graduated with not a blemish on my academic record 2 years later.) Anyway, back to the point! I'm also going to ask whyyy I seem to suddenly have a lack of EWCM when I never had problems with that before. This body of mine needs to get it together already!

Alrighty. Gotta do some work before I leave for the doc. Have a wonderful Friday!


Breathing a bit easier

Thank you to those who commented yesterday, and for your prayers! They are very much appreciated. And they must have helped because I'm feeling somewhat better today.

On the verge of a meltdown at work (and me without my Xanax), I finally decided to do something about it last night. I called the employee assistance line and got a referral to see a shrink. While the news I learned this weekend helped spur that decision, I'm sure I could handle it a lot better if I wasn't also dealing with all this other baggage as well, ya know? I think I've been doing pretty well on my own, but there's no harm in a little emotional tune-up now and then. Ugh. Why does life have to be so dang HARD?

Anyway, onward.

I'm feeling pretty good about TTC lately. It helps that I have a couple coals in the fire - First off I have an appt with the gyno on Friday to talk about more testing. Does anyone have any suggestions for questions to ask? I've had CD3 bw, pelvic u/s, HSG and lap. Is there any other type of diagnostic bloodwork you've done or heard about? What other kinds of tests are there for IF?

Second, I am finally getting my butt in gear on the whole acupuncture thing. I found out the closest covered provider is an hour from home, and although she was very nice when I spoke with her on the phone, I'm waiting on my GP to see if they can find a contracted provider closer by before I commit. Might as well try since I'm already halfway through this C anyway.

Other than that, today's CD14 and I'm just waiting to O. Come on little eggies, let's get a nice, big ripe one going! Get out there and meet yourself some swimmers, hook up with a particularly healthy one and get to conceiving! Pretty please...?



Life just keeps on throwing those curveballs doesn't it? Just when I was starting to figure out how to deal with my lemons I learned something this weekend that really threw me for a loop. My emotions have been all over the place the past few days. I know I'll sort myself out and be back to normal sooner or later, but I am just wound so tight right now.

I apologize for being cryptic but I know you will understand if I can't share. To ease your mind (if your mind was uneased!) - hubs and I are fine, everyone is fine. If you could throw in some prayers for me and the people around me that would be appreciated :)

Other than that, the weekend was pretty nice. Hubs and I spent some time with my brothers, SIL and niece, and we also did a little shopping. Very little! But I did get some fabu new red patent leather heels that I can't wait to try out. Just in time for Valentine's Day :)

On the TTC front, we are moving right along. I started OPKing yesterday, a tad on the late side I realized this morning when I remembered tomorrow is CD14, but since I usually don't O until CD 16 or 17 I think I'm still in the clear. I think I'll start doubling up on the green tea for the next few days, even though I'm still taking the raspberry leaf tea. I'm going to be positively overflowing with tea this week, but if there's a chance it will help, I'm taking it!

Hmm, that would make a pretty good TTC motto...

Good luck with your Monday, everyone. This one is kickin' my butt!