Considering throwing in the towel

Hubs and I have been having some conversations lately about TTC, specifically our feelings about continuing to try for a baby.  Maybe it's just time for a break, but no matter how I try, I haven't been able to shake this depression since my m/c.  I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like an eternity.  I've gotten past the point where I tear up whenever I think about it, and where I yell at the TV and change the channel whenever there's a commercial about babies or pregnancy.  I even had a nice thought the other day about the pregnant lady at work, who still sighs and shuffles around all hunched over like she has the weight of the world in her uterus.  But the holidays certainly make it harder.

You know that faint glimmer of hope that shows up toward the beginning of a new C, right after AF leaves town?  I don't have that anymore.  Our conversations - mine and Hubs's, not mine and AF's - have been about giving up TTC.  We decided several weeks or so ago that our drop dead age for TTC would be when I'm 34.  If by that time I'm not pregnant/haven't had a baby we will start on the adoption route, with my added caveat that if Hubs feels ready to adopt sooner then we'll do it sooner.

I will be a mom some day, and that is a wonderful thought.  But I also feel like right now I'm starting to mourn the lost hope that we'll be able to conceive our child.  Of course it could still happen, but I'm tired of hanging everything on that narrow hope.

No hard decisions have been made.  I'm still going to acupuncture, though I've thought (a lot) about the amount of money it would save us if I stopped.  I guess for now we'll just let our feelings evolve and see what happens.



Today I came to a realization: I just don't like the holidays!  Is that so wrong?  I find them to be more trouble than they're worth, besides being a painful reminder of what I don't have.  So I don't have any holiday spirit.  It is what it is.  Today I will still put on a happy face and no one will be the wiser.  I will ignore the bitter feelings and be truly thankful for what I have.

And I will eat turkey and green bean casserole and pie and drink wine all day.  Because really, that is what Thanksgiving is all about, isn't it?

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.  Thank you for being a bright spot in this bitter scrooge's life.  ;)



I want out.

My job is pushing me over the edge.  There's too much going on, and about every time I turn around I get another big project to do.  I am up to six right now, six, all but one due by the end of the year.  All three of my employees have been coming to me complainig that they are overwhelmed and stressed.  One used the word "drowning."  I feel awful for them, but I don't know how to help them when I feel exactly the same way.  There's no way we're going to be able to hire another person, we just have to figure out how to deal with it.  But I'm afraid someone's going to quit on me. 

Or worse, that someone will quit on me before I have a chance to quit!

But there just aren't that many jobs out there that I'm qualified for.  I've been in banking almost 10 years, pretty much my entire adult job history.  Yes, I've done different things - customer service, training and development, and now management - but in this economy I feel like any other job paying what I make now is going to require as much of me as this place does.  And I can't afford to take a pay cut.  I am hoping to get a raise this year, since no one here did last year, but that just means my bills get paid faster, not that my workload will get any easier.

I don't know what to do.  My boss is not receptive to the "I'm overwhelmed" complaint.  The work just has to get done and we just don't have enough people to take some of the load off. 

I have got to get out of here, somehow.



I feel like I'm always anticipating, fretting over, and fighting against the unknown.  Every day it's, "What if I never have a baby?"  "What if I unwittingly do something horribly wrong at work?"  "What if that milk is spoiled and I drink it without realizing it?"  Even when it's something I know I can't control I still try to control it.  At the very least I feel the need to be mentally or emotionally prepared for the worst possible outcomes.  I'm sure it's some kind of coping mechanism.  Making myself crazy with anticipation and dread is supposed to somehow soothe my fear of the unknown... I guess...?

This morning I had a thought:  How liberating would it be if I could turn off that need for control?  I imagine the familiar tension falling from my body like heavy robe, landing on the floor in a heap that I could simply step out of and walk away from forever.  And instead of feeling vulnerable and weak without that "protection," I'd feel capable and open and accepting of whatever lie ahead.  I would know that even if I couldn't win every battle I was faced with I would at least survive them.  Maybe even come out a stronger person.  I'd know that there is really nothing for me to fear because I'm strong enough right now to face the challenges I've been given.  The bad stuff wouldn't look so bad anymore, and I could accept the good with gratitude and joy.

This is my one chance at life and I don't want to spend every day of it fighting my fate or desperately yearning for what's just out of reach.  I want to get as much enjoyment out of it as humanly possible.  What if I could really begin to accept things just as they are?  Can I learn to look at my world through the lens of "this is how it is," instead of "this is how I wish it were"?  Is acceptance something a person can even choose to do, or is it one of those things that graces you when you "least expect it"?


It's Saturday and the weather's fine

Hubs woke up all excited about going to the farmers market this morning.  I know lots of people find it enjoyable, but I will never understand excitement over grocery shopping.  To me it's a necessary evil at best.  But we did get some good deals on fresh produce, and I got to pick up a pumpkin latte from Cof.fee Be.an which made getting out of bed before 10 almost worth the trouble.

Later, while Hubs was putting up insulation in the garage/man cave, I weeded our very neglected planters and pulled up all the dead plants.  Ever since the m/c I've been avoiding gardening more than usual, almost to the point of deliberately letting our plants die.  I guess that was my small way of sticking it to life; fickle, fickle life.  For the record, most of the plants survived the VonD famine, I just had to get rid of a few annuals.  Even better, one of my azaleas is blooming, and the other, along with all three rose bushes, are getting ready to bloom again too.  And now I have room to plant more roses, which somehow seem to thrive in our yard despite my black thumb.

Now Hubs and I are feeling restless.  We have a birthday shindig to attend later tonight, and I think we may just laze around the house drinking vodka cranberries until then.  And at some point I may take a shower too.

Hope you're having a lovely weekend :)


Bullet point check-in

It's been beyond insane at work this week... and last week... and will most likely continue in that fashion for weeks to come I'm afraid.  But I have a moment of quiet right now so I thought I'd just pop in to say hi!
  • Hi :)
  • Did you know that stress is bad for your skin?  Well, it's bad for my skin.  I've had this cystic zit on my chin ever since my miscarriage that grows and shrinks but never completely goes away.  On Monday it was tiny; today it's about the size of a golf ball (and it hurts! And itches!).  I've been popping Xanax like it's going out of style all week.  Coincidence?  I think not.
  • My friend B had an 80's themed birthday party this past weekend and everyone had to dress up.  I am now extremely sad I wasn't able to fully participate in 80's fashion back when it was stylish.  It was so fun!  I wish I could wear blue eyeshadow, big hair, teal tights, and hot pink off-the-shoulder sweatshirts every day!  I looked hot.
  • Team Aardvark had been doing pretty well in our bowling league... Okay hold up, "pretty well" might be a little strong.  I mean, we were ranked a respectable 13 or 14 out of 17 teams. Then last week all three of us hit our personal worst scores, and we are now 2nd to last in the league. The worst part is we're pretty sure the bottom team has only actually shown up a few times the whole season. 
  • Hubs and I are both off tomorrow for Veterans Day (thanks, Vets!).  Hubs thinks we're going to be working on the garage.  I think we'll be going to the movies.  Who do you think will prevail?
And that's my life lately!


My happy Halloween weekend

Don't you hate it when a perfectly good weekend is interrupted by a VERY ~Monday~ morning?  Atticus was in rare form whining for food well before my alarm went off, someone left all the windows in the house open last night so the whole place was freezing, and I've had some stomach issues for the past week that culminated in the unstoppable need to barf while I was brushing my teeth.  Things can only improve from there, right?  I hope...

Before this morning, though, the weekend was pretty great.  Our potential guests decided to stay with another friend, which worked out perfectly.  On Saturday morning we headed downtown to the farmers market and stocked up on veggies and a lovely bouquet of autumn-y flowers.  I was feeling adventurous and also picked up some pomegranates, yum!  Afterwards we walked to a couple of thrift stores in search of Halloween costumes.  The plan was to dress up as an old couple, but when I found a fabulously 60's dress and Hubs discovered a pair of 1970's Levi's 'Gentleman's Jeans,' we decided to go to the party as a retro couple instead.  I just wish I'd gotten a photo of my gorgeous blue and gold eye shadow; let me tell you, it looked pretty amazing. 

It was nice spending the evening with some friends we hadn't seen in months (isn't that usually the case with me?), even if the party was a little on the bland side.  As if to spice up the evening, we had one of the scariest cab rides home I've ever experienced.  Many laws were broken, the cabbie was messing with his cell phone, pager, and GPS all while speeding, and then when we got home he kept trying (unsuccessfully) to give Hubs some business cards.  Looking back we should have taken one, just so we'd know which driver to NEVER get a ride from again!

After I slept off my hangover on Sunday, Hubs and I ran some errands and then came home and carved pumpkins together.  We wanted to create our own designs, but were both at a loss for what to carve, since it's been about 15 years since the last time we'd done it.  They ended up looking really cute though.  I tried my hand at scraping for the first time and made a firy cauldron, where the flames were cut out but the cauldron was scraped so it just sort of glows.  Hubs's jack-o-lanterns turned out better than mine did, he made two: one scary face and one scared face.  Since we weren't handing out candy and didn't want kids to think we were, we put our creations on the steps by the back door instead of out front.  Then we ordered some take out and watched Bram Stoker's Dracula before going to bed. 

It was just about the perfect Halloween weekend.  Well, except for that one moment when we found out another one of our friends is pg, but I'm working on blocking that detail from my memory.

Hope your Monday is going easy on you!