I feel like I'm always anticipating, fretting over, and fighting against the unknown. Every day it's, "What if I never have a baby?" "What if I unwittingly do something horribly wrong at work?" "What if that milk is spoiled and I drink it without realizing it?" Even when it's something I know I can't control I still try to control it. At the very least I feel the need to be mentally or emotionally prepared for the worst possible outcomes. I'm sure it's some kind of coping mechanism. Making myself crazy with anticipation and dread is supposed to somehow soothe my fear of the unknown... I guess...?
This morning I had a thought: How liberating would it be if I could turn off that need for control? I imagine the familiar tension falling from my body like heavy robe, landing on the floor in a heap that I could simply step out of and walk away from forever. And instead of feeling vulnerable and weak without that "protection," I'd feel capable and open and accepting of whatever lie ahead. I would know that even if I couldn't win every battle I was faced with I would at least survive them. Maybe even come out a stronger person. I'd know that there is really nothing for me to fear because I'm strong enough right now to face the challenges I've been given. The bad stuff wouldn't look so bad anymore, and I could accept the good with gratitude and joy.
This is my one chance at life and I don't want to spend every day of it fighting my fate or desperately yearning for what's just out of reach. I want to get as much enjoyment out of it as humanly possible. What if I could really begin to accept things just as they are? Can I learn to look at my world through the lens of "this is how it is," instead of "this is how I wish it were"? Is acceptance something a person can even choose to do, or is it one of those things that graces you when you "least expect it"?