I feel like I'm always anticipating, fretting over, and fighting against the unknown.  Every day it's, "What if I never have a baby?"  "What if I unwittingly do something horribly wrong at work?"  "What if that milk is spoiled and I drink it without realizing it?"  Even when it's something I know I can't control I still try to control it.  At the very least I feel the need to be mentally or emotionally prepared for the worst possible outcomes.  I'm sure it's some kind of coping mechanism.  Making myself crazy with anticipation and dread is supposed to somehow soothe my fear of the unknown... I guess...?

This morning I had a thought:  How liberating would it be if I could turn off that need for control?  I imagine the familiar tension falling from my body like heavy robe, landing on the floor in a heap that I could simply step out of and walk away from forever.  And instead of feeling vulnerable and weak without that "protection," I'd feel capable and open and accepting of whatever lie ahead.  I would know that even if I couldn't win every battle I was faced with I would at least survive them.  Maybe even come out a stronger person.  I'd know that there is really nothing for me to fear because I'm strong enough right now to face the challenges I've been given.  The bad stuff wouldn't look so bad anymore, and I could accept the good with gratitude and joy.

This is my one chance at life and I don't want to spend every day of it fighting my fate or desperately yearning for what's just out of reach.  I want to get as much enjoyment out of it as humanly possible.  What if I could really begin to accept things just as they are?  Can I learn to look at my world through the lens of "this is how it is," instead of "this is how I wish it were"?  Is acceptance something a person can even choose to do, or is it one of those things that graces you when you "least expect it"?


Allison said...

Very thought-provoking, Kitty.

I think this sounds like the first step towards being more accepting of the unknown. By becoming consciously aware of your fear of the unknown and constant tension over it, you can begin to change how you react to this fear. It sounds like your fear of not being able to control something ... controls you. Ironic, yes?

Having said that, I do believe that acceptance graces you when you least expect it, because...at least for me... it comes after a Major Event.

I realize that certain things cannot be controlled. But if I hide from opportunities because I'm afraid of the bad, then the only certainty is that I will never, ever experience the good.

elephantscanremember said...

I do agree that it's hard to not have control, but for me, once I accepted my infertile fate, I felt relieved and didn't want to "fight" the feelings anymore.

I hope you can continue to feel better.

sarah said...

I needed to read this post today. Thank you.

Miss Ruby said...

"Is acceptance something a person can even choose to do, or is it one of those things that graces you when you "least expect it"?"

I think it's both.

It can come when you least expect it but need it and so it finds a way. It is also something that you may choose to do, either because you want to or because of necessity.

It's become glaringly obvious to me that I need to accept that the life I'm living is mine and that it may be the life I lead for the rest of my days eg with no children.

Sure it's not what I want but it's what I've been given and everyday that I don't embrace it and live it to the full is a day wasted - both of my life but also of Guvnors.

I know it's hard to do, believe me Kitty I know and it's something I struggle with everyday, to see what I have and be grateful for it, rather than see what I don't have and be sad. It's a long term exercise and there are days where you really can't see the good of what you have for the bad that you don't but each day brings a new chance to do just that.


Alex said...

This is great. We all need to have more acceptance in our life. There are so many things we cannot control, and yet try so hard to do so. It would be wonderful if we could accept the things that happen in our lives. I will try it if you do as well.... :)

My Vegas said...

I've been dealing with this issue forever. I haven't been able to let go, but I, too, am trying.

Garnetrose said...

I went through what you are now going through. It took me years to accept the fact that I was never going to hold a baby of my own in my arms. It really pained me. Especially when other mothers were around me. I felt like an alien.

Then one way my husband asked me how I felt about adoption. I was not sure. It took me awhile to adjust to the idea but once I did, I never looked back. I adopted two beautiful little girls who are now lovely young women.

Although they are not of my flesh, I could not love them more. I wish you happiness and the strength to get through this time.

Pinkzombies said...

for me the solution was anti-anixety medication, its not for everyone. But i literally had that feeling of weight coming off my shoulders when i take my meds.

Anonymous said...

Like the reader before me, I too needed to read this post today. Thank you.