11.27.2010

Considering throwing in the towel

Hubs and I have been having some conversations lately about TTC, specifically our feelings about continuing to try for a baby.  Maybe it's just time for a break, but no matter how I try, I haven't been able to shake this depression since my m/c.  I can't believe it's only been 4 months, it feels like an eternity.  I've gotten past the point where I tear up whenever I think about it, and where I yell at the TV and change the channel whenever there's a commercial about babies or pregnancy.  I even had a nice thought the other day about the pregnant lady at work, who still sighs and shuffles around all hunched over like she has the weight of the world in her uterus.  But the holidays certainly make it harder.

You know that faint glimmer of hope that shows up toward the beginning of a new C, right after AF leaves town?  I don't have that anymore.  Our conversations - mine and Hubs's, not mine and AF's - have been about giving up TTC.  We decided several weeks or so ago that our drop dead age for TTC would be when I'm 34.  If by that time I'm not pregnant/haven't had a baby we will start on the adoption route, with my added caveat that if Hubs feels ready to adopt sooner then we'll do it sooner.

I will be a mom some day, and that is a wonderful thought.  But I also feel like right now I'm starting to mourn the lost hope that we'll be able to conceive our child.  Of course it could still happen, but I'm tired of hanging everything on that narrow hope.

No hard decisions have been made.  I'm still going to acupuncture, though I've thought (a lot) about the amount of money it would save us if I stopped.  I guess for now we'll just let our feelings evolve and see what happens.

11 comments:

Sarah said...

I can't imagine what your going through. I think you should take all the time you need.
I recently went through a bit of a mourning process. It was so hard to imagine me never being pregnant, it hurt a lot. It still does. I was even harder to throw in the towel. We have found a little bit of peace with the road Terry and I chose.
You should take all the time you need. I'll be thinking of you...

My Vegas said...

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I really believe that you will get pregnant. Why do I think that? I don't know. I remember when you announced your BFP months ago...I was so thrilled for you that I actually cried! I still believe it will happen again. Just know that I'm here, thousands of miles away, sending you this energy, OK?

(((HUGS)))

the Barreness said...

It is a long road that has many twists in it. I think that you are doing a great thing; taking time and going with what feels right.
((hugs))

Daisy83808 (Lex) said...

I know well the feelings you are dealing with. I still grieve sometimes. Most days are better now, but there are still those days when I feel sad. Usually when a friend has a baby or at a baby shower or something like that. But it does get better. I promise. I know it's such a tough time. I'm praying for you, Kitty. ((HUGS))

Kelly said...

This is such a difficult spot to be in and those conversations are similar to the ones that DH and I had, too. After my most recent m/c in the spring, I just couldn't get back in the TTC mindset.

If you already decided on things in the past (age, moving towards adoption, etc) then maybe give yourself some time to see if that's where you're most comfortable heading. The great thing about your post though is that you're saying that you will be a mom someday, you just don't know how. I'm so proud of you for not giving up on that.

elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I know those feelings well. I admire your strength. Take all the time you need.

E said...

Hugs Kitty. I'm really sorry that you are even in this position to consider throwing in the towel of TTC. You should be done with this part and holding your baby in your arms. Are you still considering doing reproductive treatments anytime soon? I know at one time you were going to talk to your family about it. I wish it would just happen for you and you didn't have to think about it anymore.

Alex said...

These are tough questions to discuss. Take all the time you need in this process, and keep talking to the husband. You will figure out where you need to go... Hugs!

Kate said...

You've got to do what's best for you - no matter how hard it is. Just know that we're here no matter what!

jill's infertility document said...

I think you and the hubs are right where you need to be--talking about your feelings, setting limits that you are both comfortable with and not making any big decisions until you are ready to talk them through. Take all the time you need to mourn and talk through your feelings. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I have followed your posts for awhile now, since before the event.

If you need a break- TAKE THE BREAK. Its ok to mourn the loss. Its not just the loss of a baby. Its so much more than that. You have tried so hard and then to have it taken from you, its HARD to say the least.

I understand the loss and all that comes with it, but never give up hope. You WILL be a mother. It will be hard, it will NOT be on your time line, but rather on one from a higher level, BUT IT WILL HAPPEN.

I don't mean to sound harsh and please don't take it that way. Its just hard for me to see people loose faith or hope. With all the struggles and hardships that we have i know that deep in my heart there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure when i will get to the end, but I KNOW that i will get there.