December 10th. I know it's kind of far away but I'm going to be SUPER busy with work all of November. I'm going to miss TTC the month of December too because of that date, but oh well. I would have had to miss November if I'd scheduled it then anyway. At least I'll be able to have alcohol at Christmas. Lord knows I'll need it!

It's funny, I called up a friend the other day that I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, and turns out she's going in for a lap soon too (probably sooner than me). She's single and not TTC, but she has cysts that are causing problems. I told her we should get it done on the same day, then she can come to my house to recover and hubs will take care of both of us. :)

So when I told hubs that AF showed up (literally 10 minutes after I got to work, woopee) and that I scheduled the lap, he was so cute. He said he wants to give it our best shot this C so that hopefully I won't even have to get the lap. Well, that's pretty much setting ourselves up for failure, but I'm happy he's so gung-ho. He also asked what he should take to give him super swimmers. I told him he already has super swimmers, I'm the broken one! But seriously, we're going to try really hard to eat healthy and as organic as possible this month. I've been slacking on my vitamins too so I started taking them again. Any tips for fertile foods for either of us? I've heard pineapple for me, vitamin C for him... I don't know what else. Dr. Google, what do you think...?


And that's all I have to say about that.



That would be, "What the FRENCH, Toast?" for the laymen.

I feel horrible, not to mention very embarrassed, for whining last night about AF because it now appears she STILL hasn't arrived. Thank you everyone for your sympathy, and I'm sorry I'm a big fat gun-jumping baby! Feel free to ignore me when I whine again later today, tomorrow, or whenever it is that she actually decides to show up. At that point I'll just go back and read your very nice comments again to console myself.

So here's what happened:

Yesterday I got home, went to the RR and when I wiped saw a bunch of darker-than-usual CM. That's what I took to mean AF was imminent, because I figured it must be dark due to spotting. A logical assumption, and given the cramps I've had for the past three days, normally I would be right on the money. Later, my CM looked distinctly yellowish and AF-free, but it's not strange for me to spot for a bit, then nothing, then BAM - AF.

So I used the Diva Cup. It only took me half an hour to get it in, during which time I managed to poke and scratch myself several times with my fingernails. I took it out once (to make sure I could) and it was streaked with a little bright red blood. At that point I had no idea if the blood was from scratching myself so many times or from AF. I had hubs check me out, but he couldn't see anything. So I assumed the latter, stuck the thing back in and went to bed.

This morning I clipped my nails (KEY for anyone thinking of trying the DC, and my nails aren't even that long! They really should put that in the instructions.) and then removed the cup. A big ol' blob of normal-colored CM and not a trace of blood. *Slaps hand to forehead.* WTH???

So now my hopes are all up to high heaven, which of course is a VERY BAD THING. It's CD30 and I have no idea when I Oed, best guess is CD16. I still have cramps coming and going and feel like AF is right around the corner. That witch better just hurry the FT up!


Boo hoo

It appears that AF is imminent. Guess the Diva Cup will be getting another chance very soon.


Infertility friggin' sucks.

Diva drama and PMS

Sigh. So I tried to use the Diva Cup last night, anticipating that AF might show up overnight. OMG is that thing a pain in the ass. I felt like such an idiot trying to figure out how to get a proper "seal" because it says to put it in, and then turn it. Well, I don't know how that's even possible. Once it's in there's not much to hold on to, and what you can feel is allllll slippery - hence impossible to turn! And of course the directions tell you about 100 times, "If ___, then it's inserted wrong," so I'm feeling like a TOTAL MORON for apparently doing everything WRONG. Luckily AF didn't show up last night because I'm all out of pads and that sucker is still sitting in my bathroom.

Ugh. Can you tell I'm PMSed?? I actually cried about 3 times last night I was so frustrated, so hormonal and so depressed. I googled to see if anyone else had as much trouble as I did, and thankfully, I found a LOT. Seems like it takes some practice and finagling. I feel like slightly less of a dolt now and I'll try again tonight if AF has shown up by then. Jeez, how would I even survive without the internet? I'd be hysterical.


Monday, Monday

Still waiting on AF. We FDed last night and it gave me cramps (that ever happen to you?), so I'm assuming she'll be on her merry way any time now. I am determined not to be a sissy and to try my Diva cup this month, I still have to go buy some cleanser for it though. See what a procrastinator I am? :)

The Halloween party was great, and my 'zombie pinup' costume came out pretty well! I tore up an old dress and some fishnet stockings, learned an easy way to do my zombie makeup, and curled my hair then messed it all up. I was a hot piece of undead, let me tell ya. Hubs was impossible, I kept telling him all week to think of what he wanted to dress up as and he never did come up with anything. So after I was done with my costume I put his together too. He was also a zombie - I just tore up one of his work shirts, wiped fake blood all over him, and did his makeup. I think we looked pretty good. I forgot to steal a photo from our friend's FB, so I'll have to add it later.

ETA: I forgot about this little tidbit - at the party, the same woman was there who last year hounded hubs and me about why we didn't have children yet. We'd tried being polite but she was drunk and VERY persistent, so we finally told her we didn't want kids and that we just wanted to party. LOL She got pissed but it shut her up. Well, she started in on us again on Saturday night saying, "You guys are so cute, why don't you have a baby?" So I told her, "We're not ready for sex yet. We're saving ourselves for our 5th anniversary." This time she actually laughed and dropped it! I think I better start thinking up some comebacks for next year...

Other than the party we had a very mellow weekend. We had a TTC/money discussion at one point and basically came to the conclusion that we probably won't be doing any treatments for about two years. We're working on paying off debt and by then we should be debt-free if we keep up with it the way we have been. (Yeah, we have a lot of debt.) At that point I'll be 31, which isn't too bad. Until then, hopefully we can choose an insurance plan that covers IF diagnosis so at least we won't just be spinning our wheels. It's frustrating to have to wait that long, but on the other hand, at least it's a plan.

Is it time to go home now? I am ready to go back to bed!! Hope your Monday doesn't suck :)


Wasn't counting on the melancholia

Three more days until AF is due.

I'm not really hopeful about this C. I'm not being pessimistic or negative about it, I just don't expect it to be the one. Like, at all. Of course, I pretty much never expect any given cycle to be the one. I don't know why that doesn't stop me from scrutinizing every twinge, ache, and swollen body part though.

Okay, maybe I am being a little pessimistic...

Confession: For the past few months during the 2WW I catch myself staring at my reflection in the mirror right before I get in the shower, looking for some kind of sign. Then I get disgusted with myself and think, "That's ridiculous. Kitty doesn't get pregnant." (Don't ask why I refer to myself in the third person when I think that.) I'm a pessimist by nature. I learned at a young age that if I don't get my hopes up too high I can't be too let down. And on the flip side, I can be pleasantly surprised if things do happen to go my way. For some reason, though, it's much harder when it comes to TTC to convince myself that each cycle is another flop. Maybe that's a good thing; it might suck worse to be a total pessimist than to have a little hope from time to time.

At this point, I'm just awaiting the lap. I feel like I've put all my eggs into the endo basket, and if it turns out I don't have it I'll probably be disappointed to continue floundering around in the "unexplained" category. I just want to find out what's wrong, and get it fixed. Why is that so difficult? Oh yeah, because I'm pretty much trying to figure it out all on my own. My doctors are nice when I see them, but since I can't afford to see an RE I don't have anyone leading me through my options. Hubs and I still have some time to figure out what to do insurance-wise though, so maybe that will change. We definitely can't afford the plan that covers IUI, but there are one or two that cover diagnosis, which is better than nothing, as long as the price is right.

Well, this was a pretty depressing post for a Friday, sorry about that! I didn't intend it to be so dismal; I didn't even realize this was weighing on me until I started typing.

So quick change of subject: Plans for the weekend! I've got to make my Halloween costume - some kind of zombie pinup/short-dress-wearing slut (not too slutty though). We're going to a party tomorrow night and we decided to go cheap and make our costumes this year. No idea yet what hubs is going to be, so if you have any suggestions, by all means share! Here's to a great weekend, everyone :)


Falling apart

Not emotionally, just physically.

My neck's still a little sore so I'm going back to the chiro tonight. I'm so, so happy I started seeing him. I was tweaking my neck pretty badly every few months for a couple years, worse and worse each time. It finally occurred to me that the problem may have stemmed from a fall I took snowboarding a few years ago. I ended up cartwheeling down the hill and jacking my neck up pretty badly. I always thought that chiropractors messed you up even more by somehow perpetuating the problem, since everyone I know that saw one kept having to go back all the time. So I never went until the pain became unbearable. I now realize that my neck will probably always give me trouble, but at least now I can go to the chiro and feel better within a few days, rather than spend weeks in pain.

Another thing - I think I'm suddenly lactose intolerant! I'd been taking acidophilus pills for months because of all those infections I was getting, and since the infections went away I stopped taking it about a month ago. Now I'm starting to notice stomach problems whenever I have cereal or ice cream. Lame!! Hubs is the lactose intolerant one, not me! Ugh. I'm thinking this problem didn't just now pop up, it's probably been building for several months, but the acidophilus was helping digest all the dairy. Hubs has been taking it for his lactose intolerance for a couple months now and it's worked wonders. Guess I'll be going back on it!

I read that a deficiency of lactase (the enzyme the small intestine produces to break down lactose) can be caused by celiac disease. Double lame! I think when I see my GP in a couple weeks I'll ask her to send me for a blood test since celiac disease runs in the family and can cause infertility. I just hope it turns out to be negative because I REALLY don't want to give a certain mean person the satisfaction of being right about that. Plus, cutting gluten out of my diet would seriously suck!

I know, I know - I need to stop googling these things. I'm probably just like the rest of the adult population and simply can't handle milk anymore.

Sorry this is such a dull and disjointed post, there's not much going on right now. I'm in the countdown to AF, still waiting on insurance to approve the lap (I'll probably call the doctor next week and see where it's at), and plugging away at work. It's a thrill a minute! But at least the weekend is just around the corner. :)


My First ICLW

Hello, ICLWers!

This is my first time participating, and all of a sudden I have stage fright! What the heck am I supposed to say? I guess an introduction is in order, and since I am now at a loss for words, I'm going to steal some other bloggers' idea and introduce myself through the awesome power of a survey.

Me: Kitty, Kit, Mrs. Von D, and a slew of other alter-egos.

DH: Hubs, a.k.a. Aaron

How we met: We went to the same schools from kindergarten through high school, and our younger brothers were friends... but we never spoke to each other until I was 22 and he was 23. Turns out you really can find true love in a bar!

Furry child: Atticus Archimedes Aloysius the cat

Where we call home: Sunny southern CA

Time TTC: On the record - 19 months. (Off the record - 2.5 years - since we got married.)

Reason for IF: Unexplained. Possibly endo, we'll know by the end of the year. I can't decide if I'm hoping they find endo or not...

Hobbies: Blogging, sometimes knitting, sometimes snowboarding, sometimes taking photos and sometimes Photoshopping. I'm trying to find one that will stick. I need an outlet!

Biggest pet peeve: People who drive too slow in the left lane. Or bad customer service. Or general rudeness. ...People who have too many pet peeves?

Favorite book: Pride and Prejudice. I LOVE that book. I try to read it every year.

Currently dreading: Leading a conference call in half an hour.

When I'm sad: I cry, make myself a drink, and veg out.

The best thing about life right now: I'm not on that conference call YET! (Of course, life will be better when the call is over.)

Favorite dessert: Chocolate lava souffle a la mode. How obvious is it that I'm PMSing?

All-time favorite band: Queen. Hands down.

Dram vacation destination: Greece. My family is Greek and I've always wanted to go.

Fears: Spiders, the dark, public speaking, the mall on Black Friday.

My favorite of DH's physical traits: His hair. It's so thick!!

His favorite of mine: My booty. I've got some junk in my trunk.

I hope this helps you get to know me a little, thanks for popping in; I'll see you on the interweb!


So tired...need...a nap...

It was an absolutely CRAZY day today. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that TWO sets of auditors + one wire system on the fritz does not = a fun day for the Kitster.

I should take some work home with me... But who am I kidding? I fully intend to crash out on the couch as soon as I walk in the door.


Good night!


Step 1: Complete

Alrighty. Done with the doctor, and he actually was very nice (remember the receptionist told me he was "exceptional"). He didn't rush me, and he figured out pretty easily that I really want the lap for infertility but told me he'd code it for pain no problem. He said he doesn't necessarily think my pain is due to endo (mostly because it hasn't been getting progressively worse), but that it's worth looking into anyway, and that he hopes it works for me. :)

The receptionist said it may take a couple weeks to get approval from the insurance company, and when they get it we can schedule the surgery. I think I there should be enough time to get it done by the end of the year, don't you? There better be!

I'm not gonna beat around the bush here, I'm totally nervous. The idea of cutting into the body, sticking stuff inside, zapping away at tissue, etc. totally grosses me out. I can't even watch the lame fake surgery scenes they show on House, so thinking about that happening to me makes me VERY uncomfortable. There's a great reason I never went into the medical field! But I've just gotta to suck it up and go for it. No being a sissy!!

Not a whole lotta

Gosh this weekend went by fast!! And is it just me, or is anyone else having a hard time believing October is more than halfway over already?

My weekend was pretty good. My neck was killing me on Saturday, even after going to the chiropractor Friday evening, and I was pretty miserable for half the day. So we mostly sat around and did minimal amounts of housework. Hubs played XBox and I played on the computer. Yep, so productive! By about 5:00 I started feeling better and a friend of mine came over for dinner and some catching up. It had been too long! Then yesterday we had brunch and watched football with some more friends. We closed out the weekend by watching an episode of PBS's "National Parks" series. Let me tell you, that's the perfect show to watch before bed. The images are gorgeous and it's very educational, but well, it's pretty dull. I almost wish there were commercials just to break it up a little.

So we're back to Monday again! Although today is a short day for me because, as you know, I'm heading to the gyno this afternoon. Wish me luck!

Hope everyone is having a nice, mellow Monday :)


Not so good

Well, no dice. They gave him the crappy lower position. We don't know yet how much the pay is going to be, but he did say the position caps out at close to what he is making. So hopefully they won't cut his pay too much.

He also said that they gave him a letter saying he'll continue to do his current job until April, so I'm guessing that means he'll also continue earning the same pay until then.

Whew. It could be worse. At least he has a decent amount of time to try to find a new job.

Thanks for the well-wishes everyone.


I'm a tad nervous. Hubs works for a big bank that was taken over by another big bank last year. The actual changeover is finally about to take place after the first of the year. The positions in the "new" bank don't align very well with those in the "old" one, so hubs's job title is going to change. He'll either be placed in a position that's kind of like half a step above his current position (most likely with the same pay), or a BIG step down (with a huge pay cut), and he finds out today which it'll be. He's pretty confident he'll end up in the higher ranking position, but I'm preparing myself for the worst. I can't help it, I figure if I don't expect too much I won't be too let down. And I can get ready for trying to figure out how the heck we'll pay our bills if we're bringing home a lot less money. He goes in to find out at 11:00 so I guess I'll know soon enough.

My appt with the gyn is Monday afternoon. I can't believe how fast those few weeks went by, seems like I just made the appointment a few days ago! I'm excited that we're at least TRYING to take a step closer to that BFP, but I'm nervous too. I have all these "what ifs" floating around in my head. What if the doctor won't order the lap? What if the insurance company denies me? What if they don't find endo? What if they do? What if the surgery doesn't 'work'? Sigh. I know, I just have to take it one step at a time. Step one: Go to the gyn. I think I'd drive myself a lot less crazy if I could just make my brain shut up once in a while! :)

In happier news, the game last night was really fun!! Too bad the Dodgers lost :( But at least they kept it interesting. We had really good seats right behind home plate so I got to ogle my boyfriend Russell Martin's booty the whole time! (Just kidding, hubs! ...Kind of.) And I gotta say, playoff games are FUN! Everyone in our section would high-five each other whenever the Dodgers got a hit, we were all chatting together, there was so much more comeraderie than at a regular game. I loved it!

We don't really have big plans for this weekend. Hubs has been working every Saturday for the past several weeks but he's off tomorrow, so I'm super happy about that. We'll probably just be working on the house, hanging out with some friends, and watching football on Sunday. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous after all the rain this week, I think I'll have to plan on being outside for a while!

Hope everyone is having a great Friday :)



Hubs got us tickets to the Dodgers' playoff game tonight!!

I am so, so, SO EXCITED! I've never been to a playoff game before.


Did I mention this means I'm leaving work early too? What a great day!



I've discovered that I love Mu.se. I've been listening to the Bla.ck Hol.es and Reve.lat.ions album for weeks now, and it is sooo cathartic to just blast it whenever I'm in a crummy mood. Not only do they just absolutely freakin' ROCK, but their lyrics are surprisingly poignant, too (and let's face it, I love singing along!). Hubs got me a subwoofer for my car before we went on vacation - - okay, scratch that - - he actually got it for HIM, because his truck has one and he didn't think he could handle two weeks in a car with only average sound quality. But I have to say, I'm thoroughly enjoying it. Maybe it's not very feminine or classy to "bump" my bass in traffic... but it's really fun!

At least a couple times a week I get one of their songs stuck in my head all day long. And usually it's Invi.ncible, because the lyrics are so striking to me (and it freakin' ROCKS). It reminds me of hubs, and how I often feel like it's him and me against the world. And I don't mean that in a "the world is the enemy" kind of way. Just that we have become so united in the past couple of years. It's more than the fact that we love each other, or that we're partners or a team. At least for me, it's more like he makes me a stronger person just by being with me, and that as long as we're together I know we can get through anything. That song reminds me of how lucky and thankful I am to have wound up with him as my husband.

**Ahem!** Okay. Done with the mushy stuff now. I know I said I'm not romantic on that survey the other day, and I totally just blew my street cred. The fact of the matter is, I love to rock out to Mu.se, and I love to love my hubs! And that's all I have to say about that.


Let me entertain me

I really want to get me a hobby, but I have a hard time sticking to things.

Example 1: I like to knit, but currently have a half-finished scarf that I started last year, sitting in hubs' closet. The best part is it's made out of the yarn from ANOTHER half-finished scarf that I started like 3 years ago. P.S. I don't know how to knit anything besides scarves.

Example 2: I have an Et.sy site set up for the wonderful side business I planned to start - designing custom invitations. I designed 2 invitations and never got around to pricing out the printing costs. Hence, I couldn't come up with MY prices, and therefore my would-be side business has gone by the wayside.

I think my problem is that I'm impatient. I get excited about the finished product but I lose patience for the tedious parts of the journey. And I think I could be more patient if I got myself more organized and set goals for myself.

Really I just want to do something fun to keep my mind occupied, I don't want it to be WORK. But what's the point of creating 500 scarves or pretty invitations that will never be used? I need to figure out something I can do to entertain myself (and maybe even hone a skill), but that won't add clutter to my house.

Other stuff I like to do: Take photos, draw, decorate cakes, play with Photoshop, sing and play the piano (but my piano is at my parents' house), write, and plan parties of course! Maybe I should just pick something each day to try out and see what I like.


Good-bye, three day weekend... sniff

They go by so fast don't they? On Friday at 4:30 I'm full of anticipation and hope for the 3 glorious days to come... and then on Monday night I'm wondering where all those days went!

Most of the weekend was great, hubs and I got to catch up with several friends between a birthday party on Friday night, breakfast with some friends on Saturday, and dinner and the game on Sunday. Oh - and bridesmaid dress shopping yesterday (which was both fun and a tad exhausting). Seems like we've gotten ourselves stuck in a rut lately, and have been spending way too much time at home alone. So it was really nice to mix things up and get out of the house this weekend. Of course, that means next weekend I'll be CLEANING... but what can you do?

Unfortunately, there was also a low point this weekend. I'll give you two guesses what it had to do with.

Hubs's brother and SIL had a birthday party for our two nieces (sisters) on Saturday. The older one turned 4 and the younger, 1. I thought I'd be able to hold it together with hubs by my side this time. We had fun buying presents, and the party started off well - hubs was too cute "flying" the baby around on a pillow. His nieces absolutely LOVE him. Then people started showing up... and kept showing up. There were so many people! And almost all of them had small children - little preschoolers and babies were EVERYWHERE. I lasted less than two hours before I felt the tears start welling up and we had to make our escape.

I had a meltdown when we got back home. There were so many emotions going through me. Of course, feeling sad and empty about IF, but also guilty for leaving the party early. Not only because we made such a quick exit and didn't say good-bye to our hosts, but because we missed out on our nieces opening their gifts, the one-year-old eating her first piece of cake, and just generally having fun. I cheated myself and hubs out of a nice moment in our family's lives. I also felt horrible knowing that MIL knew why we left and wondered if she pitied me or judged me for it. Hopefully (and probably) neither, but I can't stop those thoughts from forming.

I guess I know now to expect that child-centered events are never going to be easy. There are some people who can handle them, but I'm not one of those people. I really don't want to skip out on everything, though, especially family events. But I think I'll just have to give myself a break. Tell myself I only have to stay an hour or however long I can make it, and not beat myself up for leaving early when I need to. I need to be nicer to myself. The guilt really gets to me.

Anyway, now I'm gearing up for O time. Today is CD 15 and no positive OPK yet. That's normal though, I usually get a + around CD 16 or 17. I'm doubling up on my green tea too, gotta do what it takes! I also told hubs that tonight is "no TV night." We watch WAY too much TV, and in effect, are not really spending much quality time together. That makes it particularly hard to get in the mood for any kind of D (BD or FD). I'm not putting any pressure on this C, but I'm secretly hoping this is the C, because I'm not really looking forward to getting a LAP!

Time to get some work done. At least it's not Monday! And it's raining, that is always pleasant :)


For Steph - The Drama

Okay, for Steph, and those inquiring minds curious about the drama on the boards the other day, here's the reader's digest version. I'm making up names here, because I have no idea what any of their names are. Nothing personal, I'm just really bad with names.

First a disclaimer - The situation didn't really get all that heated. There were a couple of posters who got a tad riled up, but nothing crazy.

So, one of the ladies, let's call her Ann, started a thread asking who else is dealing with MFIF. She also said she and her DH would probably be doing ICSI at some point. One of the responses was from a TTC 12+ grad, Beth, who was more of a lurker before she graduated, but wasn't a total stranger. She and her DH had dealt with MFIF, and had a successful IUI. So she was posting in an attempt to inspire hope in these ladies who are in situations similar to hers, and suggesting to try IUI if they haven't yet. The only things I could find "wrong" in her post are that 1. she didn't put "trigs" and 2. her story was a little long, which some ladies took as her "bragging." But then she reposted the exact same response as a brand new thread, still without putting "trigs". That was a little irritating, but not particularly offensive, IMO. Oh, and BTW, a handful of ladies posted thanking her for sharing her story.

Well, one of the other ladies, Cathy, had just dropped her husband off that morning at the airport for his 1 year tour of duty overseas. Obviously in a bad place already, she went off on Beth for her post. Said something like, we don't need your input, we've all been TTC for over a year and most of us have tried IUI already, who are you anyway, kinda thing. Beth apologized, said she didn't mean to offend anyone, far from it, and got the moderator to add "trigs" to the title of the thread.

Then Dana chimes in to back up Cathy. She adds that the board is designed to be exclusive, even though she is "not trying to be exclusive." She says that she doesn't remember Beth or her story, and basically that it's offensive for grads to come back and post. She suggests maybe it would be easiest for everyone to not allow anyone who doesn't fall under the category of TTC 12+ Months to post there. A couple other newer ladies voiced their agreement with Dana. I posted my comment saying this is getting blown out of proportion and that I didn't want to see the board turn into an exclusive clique for various reasons. And a couple of the "older" ladies posted their agreement to me.

But minutes later, my post, Cathy's post, those agreeing with me, and those agreeing with Dana all got deleted with no explanation. Dana's post and Beth's post are still there.

There were some other posts that day along the lines of, "some days we just don't feel like reading triggery posts, and we shouldn't be expected to hide our feelings about that." And, "you get a free pass to act out when you're having a bad day." Maybe those posts weren't meant to sound petulant, but to me they definitely did not sound like they were made in the spirit of community, support and acceptance. Most of the time these ladies are very supportive, but IMO the "vibe" has definitely changed a bit. It just doesn't feel quite as "nice" anymore. I don't know how else to put it.


The Tops

Thank you to Steph and Rain for this award! I do what I can for the little people, and it's nice to be acknowledged. ;) Hahaha.

By the way, I am in love with that image. Too cute!

On with the show.

1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Hidden
2. Your hair? Shorter
3. Your mother? Logical
4. Your father? Emotional
5. Your favorite food? ...Undecided
6. Your dream last night? Vivid
7. Your favorite drink? Tea
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Purgatory
10. Your hobby? FD ;)
11. Your fear? Dark!
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Minivan (symbolically!)
13. Where were you last night? Couch
14. Something that you aren’t? Romantic
15. Muffins? Muffintop?
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up? Beach
18. Last thing you did? Managed
19. What are you wearing? Glasses
20. Your TV? Heavy!
21. Your pets? Meowzer
22. Friends? There
23. Your life? Emotional
24. Your mood? DONE
25. Missing someone? Nope
26. Vehicle? Sammy!
27. Something you’re not wearing? Straightjacket
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Teal
30. Last time you laughed? Marilyn
31. Last time you cried? Wine
32. Your best friend? Hubs
33. One place that you go to over and over? Freeway
34. One person who emails you regularly? SIL
35. Favorite place to eat? Mom's!

You ladies are next! Thanks for keeping me entertained with your stories while I'm stuck at my wretched job all day.

Yep, I'm picking all pg ladies (even though some have already been nominated):







Life is not fair

No, I'm not in a "woe-is-me" mood today. Quite the contrary. I've actually come to accept that life isn't fair. My problem lately has been how to have faith in light of that knowledge, and I think I've found a way.

It's been a long time since I've been to church. I think the last time was on Easter, and before that maybe Christmas. I used to love it. I was really involved in my confirmation group as a teenager, sang in the choir until my early twenties, and even taught catechism for two years. I made lots of like-minded friends, and I was happy and comfortable.

In my young, blissful ignorance I'd wonder why anyone would ever turn away from God, he seemed pretty cool to me. I took it for granted that it would always be easy to keep the faith. Life started getting harder and more uncertain, and finally infertility put me over the edge. This past year I've struggled with and questioned literally everything I thought I knew about God and life. My very own Crisis of Faith. I didn't entirely lose faith, but it had pretty much dwindled down to the size of a mustard seed.

That little mustard seed was there because of the basic question, "Is there even a God?" I can't deny the answer: there has to be. There is no other way anything in the universe could exist. Even if science proves beyond any doubt that planets, stars, and everything else out there was put there by a giant explosion of a tiny speck of matter - you still have the question of "how did that speck get there?" Nothing comes from nothing, so it must have come from something.

So now I'm working on cultivating my little seed of faith. I'm thinking about the nature of a God that would bring all this into being. He must be good. If he's good he must not want us to suffer, etc.

Back to the point. This morning I was pondering these things and it occurred to me that there might be some explanation out there as to the unfairness of life. I searched for understanding through the epic power of google, and I found some wisdom.

And my seed has sprouted.


The board

It hasn't been that long since I started frequenting WMD's 12+ board. I believe it was in January or February of this year. For those of you ladies who were there when I first started, I want to say THANK YOU. Not only did I start commenting before I officially hit the 12 months mark (I think I was a month shy), but I know I made one or two slightly triggery comments without putting "trigs." I honestly didn't know any better - this was the first message board I'd ever in my life gotten involved in. But, the ladies accepted me anyway. No one got on my case for not putting "trigs," or for jumping in without starting off with an intro, or anything else.

Now that I'm an experienced message-boarder (I think I have over 600 posts now! Holy cow I need a life), I can see how my faux pas would upset people. I admit I get a little suspicious whenever I see a new poster, and I always check their posting history before I respond. I get a little possessive of that board... But I never attack people for making innocent mistakes.

Some people have said they don't want anyone posting on the board unless they qualify as a 12+ months TTCer. Now, I don't think that WMD would ever allow that, but what really chaps me is that I posted a very thoughtful and considerate response to the person who suggested this, and MY post was deleted by the moderator (not B). Mine. The one saying that we should be accepting of newbies, and give people the benefit of the doubt when they post unintentionally offensive things. That it's okay to educate them on the board's etiquette, but that I didn't want to see our board turned into some kind of exclusive clique that looks at outsiders as, well, outsiders.

Anyway, like I said. Thank you for accepting me, warts and all, onto that board. I'm just glad I started posting 9 months ago and not now. I'd be ridden out on a rail faster than you can you say "baby dust" (and don't even get me started on that one!). Like Bob Dylan said, times they are a-changing. And maybe it's getting to be that time for me...

Mrs. Moody

I don't know what was wrong with me last night, but I was in a terrible mood.

Wait - scratch that. I do know what was wrong.

In the spirit of education, I wandered over to the Endo Support board on WMD and found a post linking to a website called The An.gry Uter.us. If you've never seen it, pretty much it's exactly what it sounds like. It's about endo, and it sounds like it's written by a person who's really angry about it. I'm sure some/a lot/most? of the information on there might be true, but it REALLY freaked me out. It got me thinking that if I have it a LAP it won't help me get pregnant. That I have to immediately cut out all wheat, dairy, red meat and sugar from my diet. And that I need to spend a crapload of money and travel to the ends of the earth to find an endo excision specialist because a regular gyn surgeon just isn't going to cut it (pardon the pun).

Luckily, hubs talked me off of my ledge enough that I decided to modify my googling to just "pregnancy success rates after lap." Much less scary! I found a very lovely medical site with a handy-dandy Q/A-with-the-doctor page. Said doctor quoted the pg success rates after a lap to be between 40 and 65% depending on the severity of the endo, given that all lesions that can be removed are. As far as the diet goes, I am starting to re-evaluate my eating habits, and am making better decisions already. I figure I'll ask my doctor about it and then decide whether I need to follow it implicitly.

I felt better after finding that Q/A page, but I guess that freak-out just ruined my day. I went home in a foul mood, with a tense neck, and for some reason a scratchy throat. Hubs called when he left work and I snapped at him. Then I rolled up a towel under my neck and laid on the floor until he came home, and when he did, he brought roses! Seriously, there's no way I deserve this guy. He then proceeded to take care of me, got me some EmergenC and echinacea in case I was getting sick, and a Xan.ax to help calm me down. And then we watched the Dodgers-Cardinals game together (and the Dodgers kicked butt!). After that I slept like a log.

Let that be a lesson to me - no more researching medical conditions online when I'm at work. (Haha, yeah right. We'll see how long that lasts.)

It's Friday Eve! Anyone else have a three-day weekend?


Bridesmaid adventures

I've probably mentioned it before, but my friend Tracy is getting married next August to a really wonderful guy. I am so happy for them, and so excited and honored that she asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Last night the duties officially began. Since I'm the only 'maid that lives nearby, I get to help Tracy shop for bridesmaid dresses. It's really fun! Seriously, we grown-ups don't get enough chances to play dress-up, so I'm into it. We went to Da.vid's Bri.dal for our first mission, and although they had some really pretty dresses, none of them was "it." We decided next Monday we'll hit some other shops while the guys are at work, since we're off.

After we left DB I noticed a HUGE spider on the hatch of my car!! I'm pretty scared of spiders, but Tracy is TERRIFIED of them. Most of the time she won't even say the word "spider." So since she was walking between me and my car, I pulled her away from it and of course when she saw why I did that, she freaked and ran all the way to the end of the aisle, where a passerby asked her what was wrong. She stuttered, "It's a -a - sp- a sp- a spider!" Meanwhile I'm standing three feet away from my car, staring at the huge spider and wondering what the heck to do. There was no way I was going to drive knowing it was still on there and could crawl up to my door or something, but how was I supposed to get it off? The guy thought we were both nuts and continued to stare, and laugh, at us as he went into the office store next door to DB. Then he KEPT staring at us through the window! So embarrassing.

Well, I managed to knock the thing off by throwing my empty Sta.rbu.cks cup at it a few times (which I'm sure the guy thought was hilarious as well.) Then I moved my car to another spot to make sure the spider wasn't still attached by its web or anything. It wasn't. Whew!!

Ah, planning a wedding... always an adventure!


I hate insurance

Well, it looks like we might be shit outta luck for IF coverage through work.

The PPO option at hubs' work is the only one that covers something for IF treatment - $10K for IUI. No drugs whatsoever. No IVF. Seriously?? How can you even spend $10K on IUIs alone? Isn't it usually between $300 and $800 per cycle, without drugs? Plus, that plan costs about $500 per month! Ouch! I might as well pay out of pocket.

Not a single one of the three options through my work covers IF treatments at all. Some have coverage for infertility testing and diagnosis though. What do you think about that? I honestly don't know what else I could be tested for. I'm sure there are many things, but I don't know what.

Does your insurance cover any IF testing and/or treatments? Any idea what I should look for in a plan? We're also looking into buying our own health insurance but I have a feeling that's going to be either really limited or really expensive.

This is no fun at all!

Endo and AF and insurance, oh my!

Yesterday I was a wreck. I now realize it was mostly due to the wine I enjoyed at our family dinner on Sunday. AF was still doing her thing, and I was trying to share my endo info with my sister and not getting the response I hoped for. I have a bad habit of drowning my sorrows and it never turns out well. Even if I don't drink enough to be hungover the next day, I almost always end up with an "emotional hangover," and yesterday I definitely had one! From now on, I'm going to make a conscious effort to not drink when I'm already depressed.

Less than two weeks until my endo appt! I am both anxious and nervous to finally take this next step. I feel like we've just been spinning our wheels for months, between all those infections and not having the insurance to pay for an RE. I even ordered OPKs online yesterday for the first time in many months. Hopefully this C we'll be able to go full steam ahead, now that AF is out of the building!

I was a major sissy and didn't use my Diva Cup this C. When I finally got up enough nerve to try it, I realized the soap that I thought was fragrance-free actually wasn't, so I couldn't clean it. Oh well, there's always next month. And now I've got the freak-out out of my system so I should be good. The chlorine-free pads were a godsend though. I had no rash or irritation at all! What a major relief.

We just got the open enrollment info for our benefits today - you know you're infertile when open enrollment gets you excited, huh? I know I don't have to explain to you though, that this means we're that much closer to (dare I say it) our baby. (Shoot, now I have to knock on wood and throw salt over my shoulder and look a black cat in the eye as it crosses my path backwards or something!) It won't go into effect until January, but please keep your fingers crossed that we find a plan that works for us.


Something to piss you off

I stumbled across this blog this evening. Don't go there unless you're in the mood to be REALLY ticked off:


This woman sounds like a real moron, and more than a little off her nut.

Appointment is set!

I did it! Are you so proud? I made an appointment with my gyn to talk about endo and hopefully get this LAP business underway.

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Apparently everyone and her grandma is trying to get in for their annuals, and this doctor's office is already generally busy. The soonest I could get in was the 19th, and it's in the middle of the dang day. It's also with a different doctor who I've never seen (I don't think - there are 3 in the practice and I've seen 2), but the receptionist said he was, "Exceptional." So I guess that's good. Whatever, as long as he orders me my LAP!!

Okay, I'm gonna go start my weekend now. Hope everyone is enjoying theirs so far! Hooray for Friday night!


Today was an absolutely CRAZY day. All I can say is: Never let a temp do a full-timer's job. My department "got" to save the day, and ended up with literally three times as much work as we normally have. My employees ROCK.

The temp... well, let's just say I'm not dreading the day she hits the road for good.

Have a great weekend everyone! I'm off to enjoy an entire bottle of wine. ;)


Now I'm just babbling

I think God is doing me a favor and making me realize when I go to the doctor about the LAP that I'm actually not lying. Although my period pain is definitely not as bad as some of yours, I believe it is worse than most women's.

I guess since I've dealt with it for the past 15+ years I just assumed it was normal to have cramps so bad you can't walk, or that wake you up at 3 a.m., or that you can feel all the way through to the outside of your abdomen. To feel nauseous and dizzy and almost pass out (and sometimes actually pass out) because you're so light-headed from the loss of blood. To occasionally have bowel pain for the entire week leading up to AF, and cramps after she leaves...

So, I decided all that stuff is not normal! I'm over the guilt, I'll just tell my doctor all that stuff, and if he doesn't request the LAP for me, I'll find another doctor. Right? Right.

Anyway. My spirits are lifted on this fine October the 1st because today is officially the start of the 4th quarter! Fourth quarter is always the best because there are FIVE paid holidays during these three months. Next weekend is a three-dayer thanks to our pal Columbus. AND both Christmas and New Year fall on Fridays this year. Gotta love that! Now to make it through all those pesky work days in between...