10.23.2009

Wasn't counting on the melancholia

Three more days until AF is due.

I'm not really hopeful about this C. I'm not being pessimistic or negative about it, I just don't expect it to be the one. Like, at all. Of course, I pretty much never expect any given cycle to be the one. I don't know why that doesn't stop me from scrutinizing every twinge, ache, and swollen body part though.

Okay, maybe I am being a little pessimistic...

Confession: For the past few months during the 2WW I catch myself staring at my reflection in the mirror right before I get in the shower, looking for some kind of sign. Then I get disgusted with myself and think, "That's ridiculous. Kitty doesn't get pregnant." (Don't ask why I refer to myself in the third person when I think that.) I'm a pessimist by nature. I learned at a young age that if I don't get my hopes up too high I can't be too let down. And on the flip side, I can be pleasantly surprised if things do happen to go my way. For some reason, though, it's much harder when it comes to TTC to convince myself that each cycle is another flop. Maybe that's a good thing; it might suck worse to be a total pessimist than to have a little hope from time to time.

At this point, I'm just awaiting the lap. I feel like I've put all my eggs into the endo basket, and if it turns out I don't have it I'll probably be disappointed to continue floundering around in the "unexplained" category. I just want to find out what's wrong, and get it fixed. Why is that so difficult? Oh yeah, because I'm pretty much trying to figure it out all on my own. My doctors are nice when I see them, but since I can't afford to see an RE I don't have anyone leading me through my options. Hubs and I still have some time to figure out what to do insurance-wise though, so maybe that will change. We definitely can't afford the plan that covers IUI, but there are one or two that cover diagnosis, which is better than nothing, as long as the price is right.

Well, this was a pretty depressing post for a Friday, sorry about that! I didn't intend it to be so dismal; I didn't even realize this was weighing on me until I started typing.

So quick change of subject: Plans for the weekend! I've got to make my Halloween costume - some kind of zombie pinup/short-dress-wearing slut (not too slutty though). We're going to a party tomorrow night and we decided to go cheap and make our costumes this year. No idea yet what hubs is going to be, so if you have any suggestions, by all means share! Here's to a great weekend, everyone :)

8 comments:

Sweet Pea said...

Oh my Kitty...first, I hope that AF leaves you the heck alone then you won't have to have the lap !

If you are going as a zombie pinup slut maybe the hubs can go as zombie-like gigilo (sp?)...this is probaly why I usually buy a costume ! lol...

LLnMS said...

If you're going as a "zombie pinup/short-dress-wearing slut (not too slutty though)"...he should go as your zombie pimp...you'll be a perfect pair!

:)

elephantscanremember said...

I hope your lap comes out with results one way or another. Endo stinks, but at least you'd have an idea of what you're dealing with.

(Hugs) I hope you feel better soon and that af doesn't even show up.

(I am jealous that you have such a social life. I'd love it!)

E said...

YES!! Your Zombie pimp!

Sorry you are feeling down. I think the unexplained category is hard to deal with, well all of is. Have you and hubs gone through any basic testing? Sometimes even after all the testing everything still stands unexplained. So frustrating.

LM said...

I think there is a difference between being pessimistic and practical. I think of myself as practical. My husbands motility is crap, so us getting pregnant on our own is not likely. Some may call it pessimism, I call it practicality- and self preservation.

Fran said...

Enjoy your party! And you really never know...sure if it's not your month this time I hope that the lapwill give you some answers. Much love, Fran

ICLW

Jaymee said...

there was this weird body disconnect that happened for me when my body betrayed me by being infertile. being so disconnected from my body is the worst scar for me.

hope that you have a wonderful weekend without af.

ilcw

Wishing 4 One said...

I so feel you. I am pessimistic too, too much so my husband says sometimes. But isn't it just easier to be that way so when we are not prgenant it doesn't hurt as bad? Wow, that made you feel better huh? Sorry I am in a mood of sorts today and I probably should not be doing ICLW right now, but cheer up girl and I will try to too.

I think your husband should be like a zombie cop, one who arrests zombie sluts and hauls them into zombie lock up or something...