Monday, Monday...

Whew, what an exhausting, fun, busy, stressful weekend!

Party prep started Friday night with an intensive house-cleaning. Our house is teeny-tiny, so it actually only took a few hours to get it done. Hubs had to work Saturday morning until about 1:30 p.m., so I was on my own for finishing cleaning the house, buying groceries, and prepping all the food. It wasn't too bad, but it was 93 degrees out and I didn't have time to eat anything, so I may have been a little snippy at certain points! Especially when I couldn't get a hold of my parents who had promised to bring a bunch of chairs... then come to find out they flew out to Arizona for the weekend! It worked out though, as soon as Hubs got off work I sent him over to their house to steal their nicer chairs out of their backyard. :) Two can play at that game! Anyway, the party was really fun, Hubs kept raving about how "we throw great parties," so as long as he enjoyed his birthday celebration, I'm happy.

We were both exhausted Sunday morning and opted to clean up only the smelly stuff and stuff we had to return, and then vegged out until it was time to head off to Hubs' brother's birthday party. My SIL had rented a bounce house/jolly jumper for the party, and I have to admit - I was really excited about it! I kept bugging hubs to go in with me, and finally he agreed. It was sooo much fun. I laughed uncontrollably the whole time we were bouncing around. **WAY TMI AHEAD** I laughed so hard that I thought I peed my pants a little - which I NEVER do (I have a bladder of steel). I went to the restroom afterwards and it wasn't pee, it was a TON of CM. Isn't that strange for right before AF? I usually dry up after O, but maybe I'm all out of whack from the infections and meds this C.

Now it's back to work we go! It's going to be an absolutely crazy week. The other shoe dropped and we had a meeting this morning where our CFO announced the reorganization of the larger dept that my tiny dept is part of. This was the "possibly good" announcement that I mentioned last week. We - both the big dept and my little dept - are now joining another dept, and as of tomorrow I will no longer be reporting to my current boss. Instead, we'll both be reporting directly to the head of the department we are joining forces with (R). R is a man, and to be honest, I am kind of looking forward to the change. He is pretty easy-going and friendly, and not as hard to read as my current (now old) boss. Her mood swings and the way she always changes her mind (but doesn't think she's changing her mind) kept me constantly on edge! So hopefully this change will mean a little less stress in that area.

I've got to get a ton of stuff done this week before Hubs and I leave on our ROAD TRIP! I can't believe we're leaving on Sunday. Man, time just flies by... I'm a little stressed about leaving Atticus for two weeks, I've never been away from him that long. But we're getting a house-sitter, so at least he'll have someone there every night and taking care of him every day. I swear, I feel almost like I'm leaving my child with a babysitter for two weeks though! I'm going to miss him like crazy, but I trust he'll be in good hands. (Can you tell I'm trying to talk myself into that?)

Anyway, I hope everyone has a nice, pleasant, and mellow week! Unless you are finishing out your 2ww, in which case I hope it ends with a very positive bang! :)


Well I feel sheepish

Sooo... I am a huge overreacter (overreactor?).

Turns out I don't have BV, no infection at all. Just some extra CM randomly hanging out at a weird time of the month... How embarrassing!

My doc does think that stress is the main culprit for my recurrent infections though, and I tend to agree. So, shrink on Wednesday, more exercise, and less freaking out are my RX.

(You all have permission to slap me silly for my craziness the past couple days.)

AND! I fully intend to get back on the TTC wagon next C. We'll be on our road trip, so most likely no OPK's, but lots of BD! AF should be here around Monday. Bring it on, witch!



Thank you everyone for your kind and reassuring comments!

I have calmed down a lot.

I found out my insurance won't cover any cultures/labs that Dr. H sends in, regardless of what lab they're sent to. And I called Dr. H to confirm that yes, he will most likely want to do lab work. I just don't want to rack up medical bills over this, so I got an appointment at 3:30 at my GP on a cancellation (and with the NP I really like). I'll just give her the rundown on everything I've taken for the BV thus far, and let her know what Dr. H said about it. The best part is, hubs has an appointment with her at 3:00, and he's getting himself checked out to see if he might be contributing to my issues. So I can probably get her opinion on that too.

Whew! I feel a lot more comfortable with this plan. Even though I am a TINY bit worried about leaving the doctor that is more familiar with this case, if worse comes to worst I can always try going back to him later, right? Might as well go the cheaper route first.

I need to calm down!

I'm a blogaholic lately. And the worst part is I have nothing interesting to say! I apologize for that. I just need the release.

I got a call back from my doctor and he wants me to come in today. I got the last appt of the day, so I'm only missing 1 hour of work.

BUT, the damn doctor put a thought in my head last time I was there - that because the BV isn't responding so well to the normal antibiotics there's a chance that it could be an STD. WTF? He said something to the effect of, "I know you trust your husband, but we also see pregnant girls come in who swear they've never had sex before." I wasn't really worrying about it until right now! I started having a little anxiety attack earlier, and of course that though sprung into my head and made it 10 times worse! Luckily I took a Xanax in time and am feeling human again.

I have to remember that other than the doctor putting that seed of doubt in my head, that I've had no suspicions at all about hubs being unfaithful. And I know the doctor has to do what he can to narrow down the possibilities and make a diagnosis. This isn't the first time a doctor has freaked me out about possible STDs either, and of course, nothing ever came of it before. However I am starting to rethink my decision of going back to this doctor :P If I want to be insulted and abused I'd rather just pay my crappy co-pay and not full price out of pocket, thank you very much!

Anyway, I am so glad I'm seeing a shrink next week. And I'm starting to open up to the idea of getting back on meds for anxiety and depression, so we'll see about that. AND I can't wait for my vacation! Damn I need a break.



Well, my doctor isn't in today, and since I've never even met the other doctor in his practice they won't do anything over the phone for me, and he doesn't have any appts today anyway. Also, my doctor has no appointments tomorrow. The nurse is going to talk to him first thing in the morning and call me back. I am not going to hold my breath. AF is due Monday, so there isn't much I can do.

Oh - I just remembered, my GP has Saturday hours. Whew. I feel a tiny bit better now.

Too much

This day could get worse. But if it does, I might have to jump.

1. One of the changes at work that I mentioned the other day happened today. Layoffs - 10% reduction in staff company-wide. We lost one person from the larger department that my tiny department is a part of. Yes, I knew it was coming, but it's still stressful, especially for my two employees. Neither is in any immediate danger of losing her job, but they're both extremely wary in general. Throw in a layoff and they tend to assume the worst and stress themselves out like crazy. Not that I blame them, I've been on the receiving end of layoffs before, so I'm stressing too, just not as much as they are. Luckily it's a pretty busy day so they're not dwelling on it too much.

2. We're having a party on Saturday for hubs' birthday, and I haven't done one damn thing for it yet. I still have to clean the whole house (and it really needs it), buy all the food and supplies, and gather all the borrowed chairs and tables we'll need. But I can't do any of that today because we're going out to dinner with the in-laws to celebrate. So I'll have to do it all tomorrow after work. Ugh. And okay, my MIL kinda ticked me off with the whole dinner thing. She emailed my SIL (it's BIL's birthday celebration too) and I about it a couple days ago, asking what we thought about doing dinner, and after we both responded, she never did. Hubs called her yesterday to see what was up, and she was still up in the air about it. She finally sent an email at 10:30 last night with the plans and a request for us to RSVP. *Smacks forehead*

3. Last but not least, my infection is back, right on schedule! I finished the antibiotics almost a week ago, and that seems to be the cutoff for me. I am beyond pissed, frustrated, disgusted, hopeless... I'll be calling the doctor again as soon as they get back from lunch, and hubs is calling his, too. I keep wondering if it has to do with his relatively high (but within "normal" range) semen pH. It is 8. Then again, whenever I was using RepHresh, which is supposed to balance out vaginal pH, I still wound up with BV. So who the fuck knows. It could be worse though, right? Hubs is soooo incredibly understanding about it, I am really lucky in that respect. But my hopes for TTC again anytime soon are going down the drain, which is probably what bothers me the most.

Ugh okay. Calling the doctor and going to lunch now. Let's hope the afternoon looks better than the morning.



Okay. I did it.

It took me 4 phone calls, but I finally got an appointment with a therapist. The only one who's female and covered by my insurance in the area I work in, AND she has appointments available after work. It must be fate.

She seemed very nice on the phone, too. The other one I played phone tag with sounded so cold and impersonal. I know it was just a voicemail, but I'm sorry, it turned me off. I like friendly, mom-type therapists. This one seems kinda like that. We even laughed a little.

I hope it works out and that I like her in person. We'll see next Wednesday!


Change is in the air

My head is spinning!

Don't you hate it when your boss calls you into her office with no explanation as to what she wants to see you about? My boss does this all. the. time. She could be asking me what I had for lunch or she could be reaming me about something I did wrong, and I never know which it's gonna be.

Well, today it was something entirely different. Without revealing too much (just in case), there are big changes ahead. They're by no means all good, but I'm ready for a change. And I'm hopeful that one change in particular will end up being good.

Was that cryptic enough?

Keep your fingers crossed for me, please!


The always exciting weekend update

It wasn't the best weekend ever, but it wasn't the worst. At least I stayed busy!

Friday night my oldest and goldest friend, J, and I went to the Dodger game. It was a little slow but we had fun together. There was a lady sitting in front of us with a haircut eerily similar to Kate Gos.se.lin's, so we kept trying to get a good picture of her to post to Fa.ceb.ook and calling her "Kat.e Pl.us Eig.ht." It was pretty funny, until I said it too loud and she turned around, looked right at me and grinned. Weeeiiiirrrd... and oops! I guess I need hubs with me at all times to tell me when I'm being inappropriate!

I still haven't called any of the shrinks on my list yet, and on Saturday I was reminded why I need to. I lost it at my niece's 1st birthday party. My sister was the only one who noticed, and I was so grateful that she wanted to comfort me, seeing as she hasn't always said the most supportive things about me TTC. I spent the later part of the afternoon on the couch with Atticus curled up next to me, and it actually helped. Sometimes that little shitbrick really comes through.

Girls night that evening at my friend B's was fun, there were just three of us, and I got to introduce B to Sixteen Candles. Can you believe she's 28 years old and has never seen it? Of course, as predicted, she loved it. It was supposed to be a sleepover deal, but I couldn't hang with her two dogs walking all over me, trying to sleep on my pillow, and laying next to me with their entire bodies against mine. So I ended up going home at 2 a.m., much to Atticus's joy (he's a social boy, and doesn't like being left alone. You should see the look of death I get whenever I leave the house!).

Hubs got home earlier than expected on Sunday, so we got to hang out all afternoon. And we FINALLY got to DTD!! Hubs' birthday is this Wednesday and he wants a special wake-up call, if you catch my drift. He reads this blog, so I'm not going to tell you whether or not his wish will come true.

For now I appear to be infection-free, let's just hope it lasts. Of course, it's only been about 3 days since I finished the latest round of antibiotics, so we'll see. I'm hoping, praying, wishing that this is the end of my infectious streak and we can get back on the TTC train already!! I am having withdrawals...

ETA: I called the shrink! Healthy mental state, here I come...

To you, from me!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3-They say I have a year to get it to you. But I promise it will NOT take that long.

4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

So the first five people who post, and are willing to pass it along,will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!


Shameless plug

I just have to share this with you ladies.

I am super excited about my SIL's new Etsy collection! I mentioned the other day that we did the photo shoot with my friend Amber over the weekend. Well SIL put the photos up last night, so the new collection is officially available. I honestly think she'll be famous (or at least make a real name for herself) one day, and it's exciting to be around for the "early years". Plus it's cool to see her designs evolve!

Normally her style is a little too... okay, I'll just say it - weird for my taste. (It's okay, we're tight and my SIL knows I think her stuff is weird!) I dress very simply, even boringly (is that a word?). But there are 3 or 4 pieces that I really want for myself out of this line, so I thought I'd post a shameless plug for her, and simultaneously give you guys the opportunity to check out some super cute, original (and inexpensive) styles.

...And if you want to look at the photos just to laugh at how funny I look, that's cool too :)

Check it out!

Fake it 'til you make it

It's M-Day - the last day my cube neighbor works before she goes on maternity leave. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough day! There are already balloons and decorations up in her cube, and I suspect there are going to be a LOT of well-wishers popping by to congratulate her and say good-bye. I was fully gearing up to throw myself a little private pity party across the aisle from her, but I just read Dot's blog and decided to change my attitude.

It's okay if I can't be 100% thrilled to pieces for my co-worker, but she doesn't have to know that. This is a happy time for her and I should at least act supportive. So I'll fake it! And then I can relax for the next couple months until she comes back to work, or until someone else around here gets KU.

Besides, they're going to have cake today! CAKE!! What's not to like about that?

Plus, this evening I'm going to the Dodger game with my oldest friend in the world, J, who's also one of the biggest Dodger fans I know. We used to go to games together as little girls and we're continuing the tradition! Hubs is heading out of town this morning for a bachelor party weekend in Laughlin, NV so I'm surrounding myself with my girls until he gets back on Sunday. I miss him already! But I'm gonna make the best of it.

Hope everyone's Friday zooms by so we can all get started on enjoying the weekend!


The Prophet - Pain

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

I read The Prophet as a teenager and have wanted to get a copy of it ever since. I finally just googled it, and since it is so short it's pretty easy to find in its entirety online. I'm not sure how accepted it is by Christianity, but I find it really comforting sometimes.

Has anyone else read it?



I hate when stupid things ruin my good mood.

Long story, but suffice it to say that I just found out that a very self-righteous, mean, know-it-all I'm acquainted with is pregnant.

Must be nice to be so naive and lucky.


My brain

I still haven't called any of the therapists on my list. I keep thinking, "I'll do it on my way to work," or, "on my way home," but then it slips my mind. Oops. Even though the past few days have been relatively smooth sailing for me, I know I still need to get on it. I have so many thoughts going through my head today about TTC. Here's a random sampling:

I keep wanting to "come out of the closet," so to speak. I mean, most everyone knows we've been TTC for as long as we have, but I guess I'm just a little riled up that it doesn't seem to register on anyone's radar. My family's in particular. Mostly I'm still annoyed that no one bothers to ask how we are. But also, I read somewhere that infertility becomes part of the family's history, and now I'm realizing how true that is. What if my problem really is something hereditary, like endo? I think about my 3 nieces and wonder if infertility will touch any of them. And I wonder, if it was my sister going through this and not me, wouldn't I at least be interested to know whether it could affect my progeny? Maybe not, maybe I'd just rather not think about it. I wish I could talk to my aunt (or my cousin, her daughter, who's a couple years older than me and child free after 4 years of marriage) about it, but I'm not close to her at all, and I don't even know what I'd say.

I am so sick of my pregnant cube-neighbor. She's stopped blaming her bitchiness on her hormones, which is nice, but she's due in just a few weeks so now I get to listen to every single conversation of every single person that walks between us wanting to know how she's feeling, when's the due date, does she know if it's a boy or girl, how great she looks, how was her shower, bla bla bla bla bla. Oh, and can someone please tell me, is there some kind of pregnancy hormone that causes you voice to increase in volume when you're talking on the phone? I swear she's gotten twice as loud in the past two months. I've decided that I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe my desk was placed directly across from hers as a special punishment for something I must have done! Thank God she's going on maternity leave at the end of the week.

Alright, I better find a therapist before I go ballistic...


Stuff, and the weekend, and stuff

I think my new outlook is helping. The weekend was quite nice actually!

Amber (my IRL friend who reads this blog) and I met up and walked almost 3 miles on Friday evening. To say the least, neither of us is a power-walker, but I did get my heart going a little! --Poss. trigs ahead-- Afterwards, hubs and I went to their place for bbq and ended up playing Wii with she, her DH and their two older boys (7 and 11). Their kids are so funny, and really friendly and outgoing. Both of them LOVED hubs and even asked if we'd come back again. So cute! :)

Saturday morning I slept. I was really paranoid the night before because I had to start using my new BV cream (Clindamycin). I don't do well with creams up there - BAD reactions to the YI creams. So I took a Xanax and one of hubs' sleeping pills and I was out like a light until 11 a.m. Thank goodness I had no bad reaction to the cream, whew! Just 4 more days of it to go now. Sat. evening, SIL, Amber (also a budding photographer) and I had a little photo shoot for SIL's new line of clothes for her Etsy shop. I hear the photos came out really well, so I can't wait to see them! SIL says it's helped her sales using me as a model (and I use that term VERY loosely). She usually uses her sisters, but I guess I'm more willing to do what SIL wants, plus I let her make me up however she wants (if you check out her shop you'll see what I mean, it gets a little crazy). It's fun for me, and I am happy to help her out.

Sunday was an interesting day! Between breakfast with a friend, shopping for Dodgers baseball caps (gotta represent when we see the game in Phoenix next month!), and hitting some balls - poorly - at the driving range, we had a little bidding war going on with the Scion! I had parked it out on this street that's lined with other cars for sale by owner on Saturday, and we started getting calls on Sunday (should have done this weeks ago!). We ended up agreeing on a price $1000 below what we're asking, but if it all works out it will be gone today! Hubs found the nicest TLS online we've seen yet, so the car shopping could be over with in just a few days. I know, it seems like we've been doing this forever, but we just haven't been in a hurry and wanted to get ourselves the best deal we could.

All in all, a really nice weekend. Then this morning I went and tweaked my neck! OWIE! But on the bright side, I managed to get an appointment with the chiro right after work today.

Hope the week flies by for everyone :)


A new outlook, hopefully

I'm trying really hard not to let this get me down, but I'm 99% sure the BV is back. It's been 2 weeks since I was last at the doctor's office. He's calling me in a new RX (the disgusting, messy, gel stuff. YUCK), but at least I don't have to go in and pay another $70 for a stirrup ride. Normally, I would go in, just so I could have that extra 1% of certainty. But, I'm trying to trust my judgment that it's probably not YI, and the doc's judgment for being sure enough of the symptoms I described to just call in the RX.

So because I am starting to believe that stress is causing, or at least perpetuating, these problems, I'm trying to remain calm. It's not the end of the world, and it could be worse.

Hubs and I haven't DTD in weeks, and let me tell you, it sucks for both of us. He's been so understanding and kind about it, but it's still very frustrating. A) I feel like I'm a bad wife and B) There's obviously no way I can get pg now, so time's a-wastin'. Plus C) I am addicted to blogging and the boards, but I have nothing TTC-related to post, so I feel a little out of place. KWIM?

I'm trying to put it in perspective though. Everyone has problems that they have to deal with, and this is what I've been handed. Stressing about it isn't going to help matters, and it might even be making it worse, so I better just get a grip already.

Steph - I think I will pick up those stress vitamins tonight, thanks for mentioning it! :) I have a list of three shrinks that my insurance covers (the only three that were women), so I'll be calling them up today too. And I'm going to start getting more active TONIGHT. I was even a good girl and brought a banana for my breakfast this morning. It's time to get whatever I can under control and healthy, and hopefully the "healthy" will extend to the parts I can't seem to control. It is worth a shot.


Bundle of nerves

That's me!

I've always been a worrier, a pessimist, an over-stresser. Heck, one of my employees actually gave me this for Christmas! It is quite fitting, and I love it. :)

But it seems my stress is catching up with me. My doctor (well, NP) thinks my headache is actually a tension headache, because I didn't have all the classic migraine signs (no nausea and only mild sensitivity to light). She then asked if I've been under a lot of stress lately and I started crying. I think that answers that question.

She suggested I see a therapist and start exercising again. I've been very lethargic lately, not wanting to do anything and not wanting to do nothing. I'm pretty sure I'm on the brink of depression again, which sucks. I'll be looking for a therapist this week, hopefully insurance will cover something, lord knows it doesn't do much else for me.

Now to get motivated... We canceled our gym memberships a few months ago and our neighborhood isn't the best for walking/biking (no sidewalks and a lot of traffic). I have a yoga DVD but I feel like I should get outside. I suppose I could go to the beach or the park. Any suggestions? What do you ladies like to do for exercise?



Today is day 3 of the killer headache from hell.

I finally called the doctor since Excedrin Migraine, Excedrine Tension Headache, and Tylenol can't seem to knock it out. They all help, but there is always some lingering pain until they wear off, and then I'm dying again. So I have an appointment first thing tomorrow.

Now that I called the doc, it will probably miraculously stop hurting!

Not that I care, as long as it's GONE.

Can I please just be well for a few months now? I think I am overdue.

Another stupid question on the boards


WTH kind of question is this?

I really want to reply with something like, "Maybe your boyfriend is pregnant."


My day

I woke up (at 4:00 a.m. no less) with something weird going on with my esophagus. It felt like a lump in my chest and hurt to swallow. At first I thought it was heartburn but 3 different remedies did absolutely nothing to help. I'm still not sure what is going on but I did some googling and found a message board with dozens of posts from people with the same symptoms. One person suggested Mylanta so I tried it and it has actually helped. I can still feel the lump but at least it doesn't hurt so much now. Ugh. Have I mentioned I am sick of stupid crap going wrong with my body already??

The work day has pretty much FLOWN by, surprisingly, and thankfully! We're headed off to another Dodger game tonight with a couple of friends, and the best part is - it's fireworks Friday! We are sitting on field level so we'll have quick access to get out on the field for the display, which is always fun. The grass at Dodgers Stadium is so soft and spongy, and we have a big blanket to sprawl out on. Sadly I will be unable to partake in any beer with the current state of my gullet :( but I will just have to make due.

What else is going on this weekend? Oh yeah, we're going down to the San Diego area tomorrow to check out some cars! I may just get a new one this weekend, who knows? Then we're meeting hubs' cousin for sushi, and on Sunday we have dinner with the hubs' fam for his dad's birthday. Another busy weekend ahead, but I like it that way :) Hopefully we'll get to sleep in Sunday morning, read the paper, and play with my baby-kitty. He has been neglected lately and needs some attention in a bad way before he starts attacking my ankles again!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!



Ouch. I have cramps.

But luckily they are not as bad as I was expecting. Yes, AF decided to work double time on me to make up for last month's weirdly light flow, talk about YUCK, but at least she isn't wringing my uterus out like a ShamWOW.

I'm going to call the doctor about my suspected endo. I'm just a little confused about how to go about it. I only had two or three visits to the gyno before he referred, or attempted to refer, me to the RE, and at one point he did ask me if I get bad cramps. I told him, "Not too terrible." Now I'm eating my words. Plus I did specifically ask him about endo before he sent me packing.

Honestly, my cramps aren't bad every month, maybe only once every two to three months. I'm just wondering how to broach the subject because A. I don't want to lie or exaggerate, but I want the doctor to order the lap, and B. I don't want to raise suspicions with my insurance that it's actually for IF and have them end up denying me. Yeah, I know, it all seems very shady. But give me a break - my HMO covers hardly anything. But if it covers the lap it'll probably pay a lot more than our PPO will when we switch, so I want to take advantage.

Why does it have to be so complicated?

Okay, on an almost completely unrelated note - I was thinking recently how rarely anyone IRL who knows about my IF asks me and hubs how we are doing. I get it, people don't want to bring it up and risk making us sad. But on the other hand, it would be really nice to know someone cares and is thinking about us. How about you - Do the people who know about your IF ask how you are doing once in a while or do they keep their lips zipped? And how would you prefer it?


Cheaters never prosper

Yeah, so, I should have known not to get my hopes up about all the FDing and the one (cheat) BD session we did this C. And yeah, I know we're still TAB. But that doesn't mean I can't be disappointed about AF showing up today, right? Sigh... At least she didn't tease me with spotting first this time.

We've officially been "off" TTC for 2 months now. I was hoping to start back up again this month, but until I get these infections under control the break goes on. It's just way too much pressure to have to worry about trying when there's a good chance we won't be able to BD. Not that it makes a difference - the first year of our marriage we didn't try (and we didn't NOT try, you KWIM), and that didn't work. Now we've been trying for a year and a half and that doesn't work either. I honestly don't think hubs and I can get pregnant on our own, and that we'll just be going through the motions until we can change insurance and see an RE.

And yet I still get my hopes up every month whether we're trying or not. Go figure!



Does anyone else have funky PMS symptoms?

It doesn't happen every month, but sometimes I have a day right before AF shows up where I'm a raging bitch while simultaneously a little depressed. This happened yesterday. I started feeling restless towards the end of the day at work. I was so bored, but I also REALLY didn't want to do anything, and I was irritable to boot. I'd been exhausted all day and just wanted to crash - until I got home and was wide awake.

The cat was whining non-stop even after I fed him, and I kept yelling at him to shut up (of course he just looked at me like, "Yeah right. Now gimme what I want!"). Then hubs came home and wanted me to help with some housework which I absolutely refused. Both lounging on the couch and getting up to clean sounded equally horrendous. Hubs finally convinced me to take a Xan.ax and I felt (and acted) human again after that. But man! I really hate feeling like that!

I feel much better today, it probably helped that I finally got a full night's sleep for the first time in days. No nightmares, no waking up in a pool of my own sweat; it was heavenly! AF is due today, so we'll see when she actually decides to show. I'm curious to know how bad she'll be this month, since it was soooooo light last month. I always think if I have a milder cycle than usual one month that the next will be extra awful. If that's the case I'm going to be totally screwed!

Alright. I'm off to do some SUPER FUN reports. Try not to be jealous, okay?


My weekend in Purgatory

I say Purgatory rather than Hell because, well, I'm Catholic, and the weekend could've been worse. Plus if you look at it from a certain point of view, maybe it was meant as a soul-cleansing experience or something.

Purgatory started off on Friday after work. I got home and checked the mail - two pieces and neither was junk OR a bill! Woohoo! The first was a thank-you note from a friend's engagement party. I didn't recognize the return address on the second so I started tearing into it. In mid-tear I saw the words, "A & K are having a baby!" and I immediately threw it across the room like it had bitten me. Of course I already knew A & K were pg, but why oh why do the shower invitations have to show up at the worst possible times?? (You know, after my pity party last week.)

I (mostly) got over my horror by the time we left to go camping. (And once I got my chicken fajita pita from Ja.ck in the B.ox I was even in a good mood!) About this camping trip - hubs's family does it every year, and the whole family kinda comes and goes throughout the week. So I was totally expecting the handful of little kids, the baby, the cooing and talking nonstop about said children, etc. And I was prepared - I brought a bottle of tequila, a bottle of margarita mix, and some of my favorite snacks to console me. Things were going to be peachy, and they were.

We spent all day Saturday on the beach and had a great time. I may have had a few pretty strong margaritas throughout the day, so by the time we headed back to camp I was sauced. Hubs and I headed off to the showers where we waited behind the most adorable young family ever. They had three very small children and all of them had the most beautiful red hair. As soon as hubs and I got into our shower room thingy, I lost it. You know why.

To top it off, we had our monthly dinner at my parents' house last night, and all my nieces and nephews were over. My youngest niece has started walking, she's getting so big! And my brother and SIL had taken her to visit some family recently and were showing photos of my niece and my cousin's 6 month old baby playing together. I tried really hard not to let it get to me, and I don't think anyone noticed that it did. It was just bad timing for me I guess.

So I'm ready to be back at work today! Is it wrong that I can't wait until my pg cube neighbor is gone on her maternity leave? She'll be here for 2 more weeks and I am counting down the days. And I'm looking forward to the road trip more and more. I really need to get my mind off of this stuff for a while.