My brain

I still haven't called any of the therapists on my list. I keep thinking, "I'll do it on my way to work," or, "on my way home," but then it slips my mind. Oops. Even though the past few days have been relatively smooth sailing for me, I know I still need to get on it. I have so many thoughts going through my head today about TTC. Here's a random sampling:

I keep wanting to "come out of the closet," so to speak. I mean, most everyone knows we've been TTC for as long as we have, but I guess I'm just a little riled up that it doesn't seem to register on anyone's radar. My family's in particular. Mostly I'm still annoyed that no one bothers to ask how we are. But also, I read somewhere that infertility becomes part of the family's history, and now I'm realizing how true that is. What if my problem really is something hereditary, like endo? I think about my 3 nieces and wonder if infertility will touch any of them. And I wonder, if it was my sister going through this and not me, wouldn't I at least be interested to know whether it could affect my progeny? Maybe not, maybe I'd just rather not think about it. I wish I could talk to my aunt (or my cousin, her daughter, who's a couple years older than me and child free after 4 years of marriage) about it, but I'm not close to her at all, and I don't even know what I'd say.

I am so sick of my pregnant cube-neighbor. She's stopped blaming her bitchiness on her hormones, which is nice, but she's due in just a few weeks so now I get to listen to every single conversation of every single person that walks between us wanting to know how she's feeling, when's the due date, does she know if it's a boy or girl, how great she looks, how was her shower, bla bla bla bla bla. Oh, and can someone please tell me, is there some kind of pregnancy hormone that causes you voice to increase in volume when you're talking on the phone? I swear she's gotten twice as loud in the past two months. I've decided that I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe my desk was placed directly across from hers as a special punishment for something I must have done! Thank God she's going on maternity leave at the end of the week.

Alright, I better find a therapist before I go ballistic...


M said...

I've thought the same thing about the family history thing. Sometimes I wonder that if I do become successful and achieve a pregnancy, that any daughter I might have will have to struggle with fertility the same way I am.

Good luck with the therapist hunt, huge (((HUGS)))

Caitlin said...

I "came out" this weekend to my grandma and my cousin - who is like a brother to me. It actually made me feel really good to talk to them about it. My cousin even said not to give up on our dream - that doctors don't know everything and miracles happen everday. At least someone's in our corner. :)

Good luck finding someone, hun.

E said...

Is there a female close in your family that you could bluntly ask if anyone has had infertile problems? I talked with my grandmoter after my second miscarriage and she told me about every single IF family member in our family. Some she knew why, some she didn't.

She also had 2 m/c's.

Sometimes it does help to talk with female members of the family. I talk to my mom, grandma, stepmom about it.

Have you inquired about a lap yet?

Good luck on finding a counselor. I am thinking of calling it quits with mine to save some money.

Tanya said...

Kitty, if nothing else, you always make me smile because you always tend to say things that I'm thinking buy just don't say! Good Luck with your "coming out"

Steph O. said...

You know, for the longest time I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. But "coming out" does seem to help. I'm still not one to tell just anyone & everyone, but there are times that I'm asked & I tell it like it is.

CALL A THERAPIST!!! Do I need to call & make the appointment for you? You deserve to feel better.


Emily said...

((((HUGS KITTY))))

I hope the week goes fast so your co-worked can get out of your hair for a while!

-my husband grows cotton- said...

Lordy, your PG cubby person sounds annoying. I think work is for work. Save it for a break people! I try to!

Good luck with your coming out! I found out that is affects more people around you than you think.