Settling in

What is the date today??  Seriously, I'm starting to have trouble keeping up with the days of the week, much less the date now that one day is pretty much exactly the same as the next. 

Not that I'm complaining.  I'm very much enjoying my temporary life of leisure, but it can get boring being home alone most of the time.  And you know what they say about idle hands being the devil's playground?  Well, an idle mind isn't any better.  I try to keep myself busy with housework and that keeps my hands from doing the devil's dirty work, but it's not much for intellectual stimulation.  Plus I have altogether too much time to THINK. 

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about is, of course, infertility.  I'm getting a little bitter again, people, and I don't like it.  Several of my girlfriends have new babies or are pregnant or wanting to get pregnant right now too, which isn't helping matters.  I find myself comparing my life to theirs and I don't measure up.  I'm feeling "behind" when it comes to almost everything - money, home, career, education; but especially family.  I talk a big game about how being child-free is perfect for Hubs and I right now, how having children now would be terrible timing, and how much I enjoy my quiet home... But if I'm being 100% honest with myself I have to admit that I do want a child.  Just one. 

I'm not about to start TTC naturally again and we clearly can't afford any medical intervention while I'm FUNemployed.  They're just thoughts going through my head.  Dreams.  Wishes.  Whatever.  It's clear I need more to do.

So I started writing again.  I have a start on what might become my book that I like more than the three other starts I had months ago, and that's been a fun creative outlet.  I've been working on some things for my women's group too, and looking for volunteer opportunities during weekdays.  I'd like to say I've been using my free time to finally tackle some projects around the house like papering the kitchen shelves and painting the door trim... but I haven't.  At least the dishes and laundry are getting done regularly though, right? 

I'll need to start doing more stuff just so I have more to write about.  I think I'm getting less interesting by the day!  Well, I did do one interesting thing this week.  On Thursday night I went out with some ladies from my group to see Steel Magnolias at the local playhouse.  My goodness, if you think the movie is a tear-jerker you should see it performed live.  Not a dry eye in the house!  Oh!  And it was finally cool enough out that I could wear the new cute sweater dress I got for my birthday.  Mmm... I just love fall fashion.  Too bad I won't be able to afford it this year.

Well, maybe I'll paper the kitchen shelves next week so I'll have an exciting story for you all. ;)  Happy weekend!  (It is the weekend, right?)



It's old news now, but my job at the Seventh Circle of Hell is officially behind me. 

~Queue Cheering~

My last day there was last Tuesday, hence the reason this is "old news," and ever since then I've been processing it all.  I expected to walk out of there for the last time with a thrilling sense of relief, which I did.  Actually I was so relieved while I was still in the office with HR and my boss that I started to tear up just a little.  (Don't worry, I didn't let any tears fall, that would have sent the wrong message!)  But I didn't expect for that relief to almost instantly turn into restlessness and worry.  Was I being irresponsible by not trying harder to stay employed there?  Was Hubs disappointed in me?  Was I causing him undue stress?  Even though he and I had talked at length about this happening, and about how we would be okay if and when it happened, I still found it necessary to question everything, as is my way.

On the surface it might seem irresponsible not to do everything it takes to stay employed when I was making a solid income in this economy.  However, I believe that job did what it was inteded to do for me.  It helped Hubs and me make enough money to buy our house and pay off almost all of our debt.  It gave me new experiences as well; experiences that will hopefully help me land another job.  And at the same time, it fought mightily with infertility for top spot in "Which stressor can make Kitty's life more miserable?"  I've been able to start putting IF behind me, I just had to wait a little longer before I could put the 7th Circle of Hell behind me as well. 

As my friend A keeps telling me, the universe is in alignment for me right now.

For one, and this is a big one, I was very fortunate to have been able to prepare for this.  Even before the shit hit the fan on my first day back from vacation I knew it was coming.  And during my vacation, for the first time probably ever, I was able to see that my job wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things.  That being happy was really all I needed to focus on.  There have been some little things too:  Our most recent women's group topic was on coping with change; Hubs had the day off the day after I was let go, and he also had an extra long Labor Day weekend (which just ended today, sigh); my friend K had recently been through a very similar situation at the 7th Circle and was able to help me through it with my sanity (mostly) intact; and things were about to go from bad to worse at work at any minute.  If I'd stayed through that, I would certainly have lost what was left of my sanity.

I said back in January that 2011 would be dubbed "Awesome Kitty 2011."  Now I think that's happening in two parts: The first part of the year I was able to focus on putting the pain of IF behind me and become more comfortable, happy and grateful for what I have.  The second part started when I realized there's more to life than work or the Almighty Dollar.  After three and a half years of being worn down by work and infertility, I've lost myself.  But how amazingly fortunate is it that just at the moment I needed to find myself again, to find confidence and happiness and peace again, I was given the opportunity to do just that??  Even though it's not an ideal situation, I feel blessed for this opportunity, and I'm going to take full advantage of it.