Obsessing over LAP

(Similar to post on WMD.)

I found out today that my current crappy HMO is actually good for something - they'll pay 100% of the LAP for endo, as long as it's coded for pain of course. We're planning on switching to a PPO at the end of the year, but I doubt the PPO will pay 100% so might as well take advantage.

I guess it's time to call the GYN again, I haven't been there in MONTHS. I'm just worried that I'll get denied the surgery because I've already been in for IF. And because my doctor and I talked about endo, and I told him my cramps weren't TOO terrible. The consensus on WMD seems to be that I just call and say my cramps have gotten much worse since then, think that will work? :)

I know, I'm obsessing. I'm nervous about not being entirely truthful (although there have been months when the pain has been HORRIBLE). And yes, I'm also VERY nervous about having surgery!! You ladies that had it, how bad was it? How much time did you need to recover? Is there a particular time of the month they do it?

I'm a little verklempt!

Now, I love my mother. But as supportive and wonderful as she has been throughout our TTC journey, I know she can't relate. She is one of the lucky uber fertile who managed to get pregnant every time she thought, "I'd like to have a baby."

I know I've mentioned that I would like to be able to talk to my aunt about IF. (It took her 10 years to get pg. Oh, and she's also my godmother.) I don't see her very often and we don't have a close relationship. So imagine my reaction when I see that she has posted a comment on my FB status from last night. She didn't say anything sublime, but just the acknowledgement that she understood was enough to get me teary.

I needed that this morning :)


Took an HPT

Very unlike me, but I just wanted to get it over with since AF is taking her sweet time, and I happened to have an HPT lying around. Negative of course, if you hadn't guessed.

I was also curious because it's starting to feel like that really weird period I had a few months ago. Just wanted to make sure it wasn't, ya know, something bad.

Anyway, I sorta announced it on FB. And by "sorta" I mean, in so many words. I suppose that was a little impulsive, but what can it hurt, right? Just about everyone already knows we're trying and failing at babymaking anyway.

I'm feeling a little better (emotionally, at least) than I was earlier. Maybe the hormones are settling down. Now I can concentrate on which glasses go best with my new 'do :)

She'll be comin' 'round the mountain...

Okay, yes, now that I thought about what CD I'm on, I can't stop thinking about it.

Today is CD29. I'm crampier today than I have been the past few days, and my boobs hurt less than they did yesterday, so my guess is AF will be here any time now.

I spent the past 2 weeks expecting (but not obsessing over) AF and not getting sad about it. Today, however, I am sad. I hate AF. I hate it every single month. Sometimes I scream in my head, "If I can't get pregnant, what's the point of having a period?!" I bleed for 7 or 8 days every month, I have painful cramps for 3 days, and the icing on the cake: for the past 4 or 5 months I've broken out into a rash on my lady parts that doesn't heal until a week after AF is gone. All that insult added on to the proof that I am still not pregnant.

I went out and bought a Diva Cup last night. For those I confused yesterday - yes, it's like the Instead menstrual cup, it just happens to be the only brand my local store carries. Since tampons and pads have become equally irritating, I'm hoping that the cup will help alleviate that. I also picked up some brand of more "natural" pads, so hopefully they'll be less irritating than the standard kinds.

I spent $50 on feminine hygiene last night, and while I was at the store I walked right past two very pregnant women. Oh yeah, and all the feminine hygiene products were in the same aisle as the baby products. Thanks for that, Lassen's! That sure does NOT make me want to go out and slit my wrists! (Don't worry, that's just the hormones talking. I'm not really suicidal.)

Well, sorry for the downer post. I'll pick myself up off the ground in a day or two. Tonight I'm getting new glasses, so that will be nice. Then I'll probably enjoy some vodka. Yep. That should do it.



Why is it that Mondays can drag on for a lifetime, but Saturdays fly by at the speed of light? The weekends are just never long enough!

Hubs and I did have a very nice weekend. I got my adorable ruffly red shirt from my SIL, but decided not to wear it to Beer Fest. It was just too nice to wear there! It really needs to be dressed up with something fancier than capris and flip flops. Hubs promised to take me out on a date so I can wear it soon. I also got my hair cut on Saturday morning! It's the shortest it's been yet and super cute, kind of an updated bob with sideswept bangs. I'll try to get a picture up when it's looking particularly good.

The CA Beer Fest was great, although our town just can't seem to get it together when it comes to stuff like this. They sold 4,000 tickets but had only 5 port-a-potties! What were they thinking? Luckily my bladder of steel held out! Sunday hubs and I did very, very little. He watched football while I read, painted my toenails, did some laundry, etc. Later on we had dinner with the in-laws. It was a nice, relaxing day.

AF is due today, but so far no sign of her other than my mildly sore boobies. Of course, that doesn't mean anything though. She won't be "late" for about 3 more days, and I'm sure she'll show up when I'm least prepared. I didn't get my hopes up this C, just because I haven't really been thinking about it... although now that I'm acknowledging it I probably won't be able to stop thinking about it. Oh, the torture! I'm a little nervous about trying the Diva Cup this month, I actually had a really weird nightmare about it a couple weeks ago. Maybe I'll read up on it a little more before the time comes to actually use the thing.

Back to work I go. I hope everyone's Monday is being nice to them :)


All over the place

Sometimes I get in the mood to write, even if I don't have much to say. Do you get that way too? Ever since I was a kid I've loved writing. I haven't honed my skills the way I should, so I don't often get the satisfaction from it that I would like. But, when the mood strikes, I must write, regardless of how much my talent is lacking. This little quote from The Prophet fits me to a T:

Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.

You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.

(The rest of this post isn't nearly as deep as that quote, so feel free to lower your expecations now! :)

I'm all kinds of excited for the weekend, specifically for the California Beer Festival tomorrow! I don't know if I'm blessed or cursed with my fondness for beer. My grandmother on my mom's side LOVED beer before she found out she had celiac disease and couldn't drink it anymore, and my dad loves, and can guzzle, it like no other. I managed to not only inherit a strong taste for good beer (no joke, I'm practically craving it right now), but also the ability to drink a lot of it without feeling full. Luckily, I was blessed with severe hangovers when I turned 25, so I now avoid overdoing it at all costs. I'm sure that's the main thing that has saved me from gaining a LOT of weight! At any rate, tomorrow I get to sample from among 60 different kinds of beers, so I'll be in hog heaven!

I'm also excited because tonight we're having dinner with my BIL and SIL, and I'm finally getting this top my SIL made that I've been drooling over for two months. She took it off of her website since it's spoken for now, so sadly I cannot show it to you, but it's a really cute red tank with BIG ruffles lining the scoop neck. I'm planning to wear it tomrrow if the weather is still nice. This is a big step for me, fashion-wise. I'm very conservative (read: boring) in the way I dress, but I've been wanting to have more fun with my wardrobe for a long time. Might as well start now!

My mellowed-out mood from vacation is still lingering (well, except for the PMS), and I'm loving it. Last night hubs and I were lounging around after dinner and started talking about adoption. I think I mentioned a few posts back that we were leaning towards living child-free if we aren't able to conceive, but we might be changing our minds. We both actually got a little excited about the idea of adopting a baby. I guess we'll just have to see where our journey takes us.

Well, this morning went by quickly, but all of a sudden time seems to be standing still! I suppose I ought to get some more work done. I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing weekend!


Talking to myself

Does anyone else talk to themselves?

I do. All the time! No matter where I am or who can hear me.

Let me paint you a picture: At work I sit in a barren wasteland. It's a section of the floor that has a row of cubicles lined up against each wall, and out of 7 cubicles only 3 are being used. Even though the entire floor is surrounded by floor-to-ceiling windows, I can't see the light of day from where I sit. My desk is one of only about 3 on the floor that has no natural light visible anywhere near it. All I see are beige walls, beige desks, beige cubicles, and the beige top-of-the-head of the temp who now sits across from me. Oh, and if I turn around I can see the plant perched atop my cube wall. We're not allowed to put pins in our cubes, so I can't even dress up my space. It's like Communist Russia in here. Only newer and cleaner. Or so I imagine anyway - I always pictured Communist Russia as a cold, dark, dirty, sad place.

My two employees, who are the only two people here that keep me entertained, occupy the office next to me and have to keep their door closed for the security of their work. It gets very lonely out here. So, I do what I can to keep myself entertained, and sometimes (okay, often) that includes vocalizing my thoughts. Like at normal conversation level; most of the time I don't try to subdue my outbursts. I say stuff like, "Holy good gravy, can this computer go ANY SLOWER?" "Woohoo, I finally figured out this GD pivot table!" "Seriously, my phone never rings while I'm sitting here, but I get up for TWO MINUTES and I have two new voicemails??" And of course, the understated but always appropriate, "Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Used to be my cube-neighbor, who is now on maternity leave, would occasionally respond to or laugh at my remarks. Now that she's gone it's crickets. Sigh... my inanity is wasted on these humorless people. Either that or they have too much work to do. (But I'm betting it's the former.)

My mom used to tell me that only crazy people talk to themselves. I really hope that's not true, although I wouldn't be surprised to find out I am actually crazy. So do any of you talk to yourselves without restraint (or with restraint), like me?


5 Days

It never fails.

Five days before AF is due I start PMSing hard. Usually it's cramps and/or mood swings, but today it's pure, unadulterated bitchiness.

Therefore, for my release and your entertainment, I shall vent.

I hate Excel, I don't know how to make it do what I want it to do, and the stupid help function is totally useless. Furthermore, I want to send this report I've been working on all week straight to the depths of Hades. It is sucking the soul right out of me.

I need lunch but I have zero appetite. It doesn't help that the break room smells like a hospital cafeteria right now. What in hell's half acre are they eating in there??

My neck is sore, and my feet keep falling asleep. Both are probably signs that I've been sitting here for waaaaay too long.

Okay then. I am getting up now. I hope everyone else's hormones are leaving them in peace on this otherwise-agreeable hump day.



As usual I'm on the late train, but here are my 25 firsts:

1. Who was your first prom date? Mark - he was a friend from my drama class, about a foot shorter than me, and we had a great time!

2. Do you still talk to your first love? Absolutely not. But since I've been working in this town I'm pretty sure I've seen him twice (after not seeing him at all for 8 years). That a-hole owes me $400 and if I see him again I may just ask him for it!

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? I had a sip of white wine when I was about 11 I think. For my first actual drink, it was probably Mike's Hard Lemonade or something similar when I was about 18.

4. What was your first job? Slave for the family business - a party store. I blew up balloons and did wedding decorations.

5. What was your first car? 1985 baby blue Lincoln Continental. That was a fun grandpa car!

6. Who was the first person to text you today? I haven't had a single one. I'm not a big texter.

7. Who was the first person you thought of this morning? Atticus, he was crying at me to be fed before I even woke up. But if we are talking about actual people, then it would be the hubs.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Danforth. I don't remember liking her very much.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? I think it was to Phoenix, AZ when I was 7.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? I guess it would be Ginny, and nope. We were really close from 6th - 9th grade, and then she switched schools and we just kinda went our separate ways.

11. Where was your first sleepover? Probably at my friend Joanna's house. We grew up across the street from each other and are still friends.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today? Atticus or Hubs, depending on whether cats count as people.

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? My sister's.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Went pee. :) Then I fed the whiny animal!

15. What was the first concert you went to? I actually don't know. The first shows I remember going to were ska shows in the 90's.

16. First tattoo? A cute little black cat on the lower right side of my back (you never would have guessed, right? ;). My one and only.

17. First piercing? Ears and only ears.

18. First foreign country you went to? Mexico. My family went to Tijuana for an afternoon when we were visiting my grandma near San Diego once when I was a little kid.

19. First movie you remember seeing? Probably some Disney cartoon. I do have a vivid memory of going to see Snow White in the theater with my grandma once when I was really little. Shoot... maybe it was Bambi? Okay I guess it wasn't that vivid. But I think that was my first time going to the movies.

20. What state did you first live in? California. The only state I've lived in.

21. Who was your first room mate? My friend Joanna. We went to college together for one year.

22. When was your first detention? 4th grade, and I had detention MANY times that year. My teacher gave detention for missing homework assignments. I was not a fan of homework.

23. When was your first kiss? I was a late bloomer. 17 with Ryan, my first boyfriend. I didn't like him very much, but he was nice and I wanted to like him! He's since passed away, and I've always felt guilty about dumping him... twice.

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? To speak another language fluently. Any language!

25. Who will be the next person to post this? I don't know, I'm probably the last!


Back x2

Back from vacation and back from Summer Vacation!

I've been infection-free for about a month now, knock on wood, so if all stays well this month (AF is due next week) looks like I'll be back in the TTC saddle next month. Hubs and I did manage to get some FD action in around O time, so who knows? I'm not holding my breath though, I'll just be happy if my parts stay healthy for a little while. I really believe that whole mess was stress-related, and I'm determined to keep my stress levels lower from now on. Vacation helped a lot; coming back to work however, has definitely not! I do believe I'll be browsing for a new job very soon, I'm pretty much over this place. Waking up and absolutely DREADING the day doesn't do much for a healthy mental state.

I did a lot of thinking on vacation. No hardcore, soul-searching stuff, I just kind of let myself think, if that makes any sense. I wasn't trying to figure anything out or analyze anything, I just thought...

One thing I thought about was all the reasons I want to be a mom. There have been many times that I've wondered whether I really want a child, or if I just want the excitement of getting pregnant. Now I'm sure that I actually want children, not just a baby in the belly, and it's a strange relief to finally, and honestly, come to that realization.

I also thought about this whole TTC thing... and I think it's time to just let go; to realize I don't have any control over getting pregnant, and to just have fun with my husband. We'll still change our insurance at the end of the year, but I don't know yet when we'll pursue any fertility treatments. At least for now I'd like to just enjoy trying - for the first time since we started trying! It's just another facet of my high stress level that I need to mellow out on before I can add any more pressure to the situation.

Anyway, vacation was great, I'm feeling somewhat refreshed, and hopefully I can move forward with a new outlook now. :)


Road Trip!

Hubs and I are gone on our road trip until September 19th!

Follow along at my other blog: Being VonD

Vacation, all I ever wanted!

(First I have to apologize - I haven't been a good commenter lately, but I have been reading everyone's posts. I'm sending all our new BFPs extra sticky vibes, everyone in the 2ww extra positive vibes, ((((Hugs)))) to you ladies going through tough and tumultuous times, and wishing everyone a wonderful three day weekend.)

Okay, it's officially hit me - the vacation excitement!

I've been stressing about getting everything done for our trip all week, but today I'm just excited. It's my last day of work for two whole weeks! Hopefully it goes by smoothly and I get everything done that I need to. I should, there's not a whole lot on my list.

We took the car in to get the stereo installed and tinting done last night, and it will be ready after work today. I can't wait to see it - and drive it! It'll almost be like having a new car again.

There are still TONS of things to do for the trip, but I'm confident we'll get everything done tonight and tomorrow.

Also - an update on my delicate parts (since I'm sure you were all impatiently awaiting an update) - Still irritated, but much better since I switched from pads to 'pons. I guess my body doesn't like those pads at all! My skin is so dry it has actually cracked and bled. I'm thinking of trying some kind of "natural" or alternative form of feminine hygiene product. Tampons are irritating and make my cramps worse the first 3 days, and pads irritate the hell out of my skin... What's a girl to do?? I'm taking suggestions!

Okay, gonna get some work done. I will post again shortly with a link to my other blog for those of you who want to follow along on our road trip. I decided to just keep it on my family-friendly one rather than creating another. You ladies are pretty trustworthy I think! ;)

Happy three-day-weekend Friday!!!


Shrink wrap-up

(My sincerest apologies for the awful, wretched title!)

Well, I'm not too sure what I think of my therapist. Our meeting didn't really "flow" very naturally, it felt a little forced. But it was only the first session, so maybe it will get better? I'm of the opinion that if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of your shrink after the first 3 visits, then find another one. So I'll see how it goes next time (after we get back from vacation) and go from there.

We talked about a lot of things, but a couple things that stand out:

-Because I'm such a worrier, she suggested I put some time aside each day for worrying. That way if I start stressing about something during the day, I can tell myself that I'll worry about it later. Not sure how much that will work for me, but I guess it's worth a try.

-She told me she has 2 kids and that it took her over a year to conceive each of them. Then she started talking in a way that sounded like she thinks I'm just stressing too much and that's what's keeping me from getting pg. Ugh. Yes, I know. That's probably the last thing I wanted to hear out of her. For now though, and since I do need help with managing stress anyway, I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's just ignorant.

Overall, I wasn't really impressed. She did give me that one suggestion that I would never have thought of myself, and I will try it out over the next couple weeks. I'll also think of some more specific things I want to talk about, and maybe that will help kind of guide the next session a little better. I'm expecting I might have to find someone else though. We'll see, I'm not going to worry about it right now!


So much to do, so little time!

Today is CD3. AF showed up with a vengeance right on time on Monday. She didn't mess around with any spotting nonsense either, just moved right in and made herself comfortable. That's fine by me, I don't need to drag it out!

Okay, TMI question - does anyone else get like, sore/raw/irritated skin near the opening and perineum around AF time? It drives me crazy! Seems like it mostly happens when it's hot out, and I try to switch off between pads and tampons, but even the string can irritate my skin. And it stays sore for days after AF is gone :( Geez, I am so sensitive! If anyone else experiences this, can you please tell me how to make it stop??

Back to not-gross stuff...

I have my first appointment with my shrink tonight right after work. I'm a little nervous. I know it will be fine, maybe even good, but I guess I'm just a little stressed lately with everything I need to get done at work and at home before going on vacation. It's not that I'm worried about the time it will take up; actually I don't really know what it is. I guess I just worry about everything!

We have lots to do before we leave on Sunday! Oh my gosh, we have procrastinated way too much this past month. We still have to book about half of our hotel rooms, print up (or go to AAA and pick up) maps for each area we'll be in, get directions to any of the attractions we might want to stop at along the way, not to mention we still have to get the car windows tinted, get the new stereo installed, try to find seat cushions, and pack! Hubs is taking care of the car stuff, I'll be working on the maps and attractions (we did buy a GPS though so that's a plus), and we're both packing and booking hotel rooms. We'll get it done, I'm just freaking out that our trip is only 4 days away!!

Speaking of which, I think I'm going to create YET ANOTHER blog for the road trip updates. I thought it would be easier for keeping this blog and my family-friendly blog separate (honestly I'm more worried about the family finding their way to this one than vice-versa). I'll post a link as soon as I get it set up. I hope you ladies will follow along :)