Thank you, Dot, for this award! (*Cue blubbering and the "You like me, you really like me!" speech.*)
I would like to pass it on to these amazing ladies, in no particular order:
My Husband Grows Cotton - Although you've "graduated" from IF, you haven't forgotten about us here in the trenches. When I "graduate" too, I hope to emulate you.
Caitlin - You've been through so much, and are still so supportive of everyone else!
Kristin and Daisy83808 - I am in awe of your faith and strength.
Thank you all for being wonderful examples and inspirations to me :)
Today is kind of an off day. There was weird traffic on my way to work and I got here late. Then realized I left my work keys at home. Ugh. Luckily the front desk receptionist keeps duplicate desk keys, so at least I can get into my cabinets. I can't access certain online programs or open the vault, but what can ya do.
I managed to get into the doc's office today, and it turns out I have another bout of BV. I decided she and YI are wicked step-sisters. Probably along with AF too. Or maybe AF is the evil step-mother. Or aunt. Whatever. Anyway, I have another RX for antibiotics, with the caveat that it's possible whatever's infesting my vajay is resistant to these meds, so we shall see how I feel next week. Seriously - all this stuff, YI's for months, followed by BV for months, is total deja vu to what I went through a few years ago. Not pleasant and very frustrating. But, I will take BV over YI any day of the week.
In happier news, hubs and I are going camping this weekend at the beach with his family. They've been camping all week, so we'll just get the tail end of the trip, but it should be nice and relaxing. AND, we've had 2 offers on the Scion already! I'm waiting to find out now if one of them will accept our (modest) counter-offer. Fingers crossed!
It's almost Friday, whew!
(Oh yeah, and this is long.)
Up until recently I had a happy theory going that if I couldn't find a reason for something bad happening, it must be meant to teach me a lesson about life. I just needed to have some explanation to hold on to.
For example: I am infertile. I can find no explanation why anyone should be infertile, it goes against nature, and one could even argue that it goes against God's will ("be fruitful and multiply," and all that). Therefore, there must be a lesson in here for me to learn. Patience, maybe? Dealing with disappointment? Finding other ways to be happy? All of the above?
Lately, however, I find myself questioning my beliefs. And by that I mean pretty much anything that I've ever believed (okay, or theorized) to explain life's mysteries. Hubs says I'm having a crisis of faith. He apparently knows this because he had one years ago and got over it.
I always thought my faith was strong. I loved getting involved with the church, I sang in the choir for 15 years, prayed, went on retreats, read the Bible, etc. I suppose now my faith is being shaken, and I suppose I am doing the wrong thing by questioning it. And I know it's wrong that I've been angry at God for the past several months. Angry enough to stop going to church and to all but stop praying.
I'm probably oversimplifying things. I'm questioning my faith because I can't make sense of how a loving God would allow people to suffer so pointlessly. And further, why he would choose not to answer those people's prayers for relief.
(I know, my C.o.F is not even based on an original quandary!)
My frustration with this has caused me to think: 1. Prayer doesn't work, because 2. God doesn't actually get involved in our lives, and 3. because God isn't really involved in our lives he could care less about teaching us lessons. Therefore, seemingly pointless suffering is, in fact, pointless.
As a person who embraces logic, however, I have to go back to my logical self and the basics of what I believe to be true. I believe that God is all-powerful, which means His understanding must be FAR beyond mine. And I believe Him to be utterly good, which means at the very least He must not want us to suffer.
And yet we do. People have all kinds of theories about why that is - to help us create a better relationship with God, to better appreciate the times when we don't suffer, to learn compassion... I'm still not quite sure what I believe about that. But I think my anger towards God may be lessening some. And as long as I can remember those two fundamental things I think I can start building my faith up again.
Ugh... I guess I will have to wait and see if the itching gets worse and then call my doctor. I also hate having to leave work early for this crap all the damn time. SO FRUSTRATING!
I hate you, Yolanda Ingrid!
I will get around to reading everyone's posts from yesterday, promise. But unfortunately since I'm over here on the west coast, you probably won't know it until tomorrow anyway. I do care, though!
Thank you for the birthday wishes, both here and in We.bM.D land. I just love you ladies!
Disneyland was fun! We didn't get there until almost noon and left before 9, but that's about all we could handle anyway. As a testament to my age, I'm friggin' exhausted today and my feet are KILLING me. Plus, can I just say that there are way too many people out there with ZERO respect for personal space? I was touched, rubbed against, and breathed on more than I care to remember while standing in the lines. And if I tried to inch away, they'd scoot right up behind me again. **Shudder** I don't really like being touched by randoms. Call me crazy. Anyway, I'll post more on D-land later tonight when I can put up some photos.
Besides yesterday's adventure, I just haven't been sleeping well lately. Last night it was hot, and since it so rarely gets overly hot where we live, homes here just don't have A/C. Well, I kept waking up in a pool of my own sweat. Pleasant! As a bonus, I was also having nightmares and at one point hubs had to wake me up because I was screaming, but without my voice, KWIM? The night before last was girls night, and I may have had one too many glasses of pink champagne, and I never sleep well after drinking. Needless to say, I'll be going to bed early tonight!
In TTC news, I cheated on my summer vacation! After girls night I noticed EWCM, plus, ya know, I was a little excitable from the champagne, so there was a BD session that night. Our break has been really open-ended from the beginning, so maybe we'll just kind of ease back into TTC. I definitely don't see us going all out this C, and I'm still not too sure about next month either. It's kind of nice to just let things happen and play out however they will for a while. Who knew I'd actually enjoy TAB?
Today is CD17. I'm trying to be really vigilant on the lookout for Yolanda. Another round of RepHresh will take place this evening, and if nothing else, I'll apparently have really supple tissue! Gotta stock up on the AZO tablets too. Yolie's not taking me down without a fight!
My birthday is tomorrow and I am so excited. I swear, I'm just like a little kid. I never understood people who dread their birthdays because I love mine so much! Yep, when it comes to my birthday, I am a total attention whore.
Tonight the girls are getting together for wine to celebrate not only my birthday, but the engagement of our friend, S! It's bound to be quite a party! I have to try to take it easy though because hubs and I are taking the day off tomorrow to go to Disneyland. Then on Saturday we're going to a Dodger game! I love it!
I'm all about the embarrassing attention too, like at Disneyland I'm totally gonna rock the "it's my birthday" sticker all day. I may even get me some Mickey ears to top it off. And I love it when we go to a restaurant and they sing happy birthday! And hello, who doesn't want a free dessert? Now I just need to figure out something to do at Dodger Stadium that will get me on the Jumbo-Tron. That would really make my day!
Okay I have to try to get some work done before I have to leave to go to the DMV. (My dang license is expiring tomorrow, oops!)
Has anyone ever used this site?
Katherine (a.k.a. the Coupon Queen) turned me on to it a few months ago, and it is awesome. They offer deep discounts on "gift certificates" to various restaurants all over the country. I've bought several, although I've only gotten around to using a couple so far (I have a stack of them at home waiting for us to go out to eat!). Katherine uses them all the time. People always ask if they really work, and the answer is yes they do!
Here's how it works: Each restaurant puts up a certain number of "gift certificates" for sale each month, which you can buy for a discount - usually $10 for a $25 gift certificate. Most restaurants require you to spend a minimum of $35 on your meal if you're using a $25 certificate, so really it's more like a coupon in my opinion. All in all, you spend $20 (plus tip, which is automatically added on to your bill) for a $35 meal. Not bad.
What's better though, is the website has deals all the time where you can get 60%, 75%, or even 80% off the discounted price if you sign up to get email promos. Today I purchased two $25 gift certificates for only $2 each (using the promo code NAPKIN)! Yeah I have to rack up a $35 check when I use one, but that's only $12 I'll spend on a $35 meal. Plus I am noticing more and more restaurants participating. Hubs is thrilled because one of his favorites just showed up.
Give it a try! The NAPKIN promo is good until July 28.
I then proceeded to wake up at 3:30 a.m. from a dream that I swallowed a thermometer (no idea WTH that was all about, I don't even remember the last time I used a thermometer) and then couldn't get back to sleep. Hence my being tired today.
So please keep your fingers crossed for me that the RepHresh does the trick and keeps Yolanda at bay this month. I read some reviews, and only found a few regarding its effects on preventing YIs, most were about BV. But there was one review by a woman who was getting monthly YIs and it helped her, so I have a little hope anyway. Theoretically it should/could help, but time will tell.
We had a nice, busy weekend. Saturday we test drove an Acura TLS, which both hubs and I really liked. It's not as pretty as the BMW, but can you say "bang for your buck"? Hopefully we'll be able to put my car up for sale this weekend, and we'll see how it does. Depending on what's available after the Scion sells, I think the TLS might be our new first choice. :)
Saturday night we went to my employee's wedding reception. She and her hubby got married last month in Florida, but the groom's family wanted to throw another party for their local friends and family. It was nice, very casual. And yesterday we went to a party for my cousin's graduation from the Marines Officer Candidate School. Man I remember when he was a little kid! It's crazy to think of him with a career in the military now. We topped off the weekend by going to see Harry Potter, and it was a total SNOOZE! I was literally falling asleep at the end.
Oh! We also found out some friends of ours just got engaged! She called me up and said she wants me to help her plan the wedding, which has got me thinking maybe I should try to do professional wedding planning after all. I really do love it, and I think I could do a good job. I'm a little scared because I don't know how to get started, but hubs says he'll file for our DBA/sole proprietorship this week, just so we have it, and I can kind of ease into it. It'll have to be a side thing for sure, which is another reason I'm hesitant to get started (I love my free time!!), but I keep going back to thinking I'd get a lot more enjoyment out of life if I was doing something I loved. So I guess I'll be doing a lot of researching and thinking on that now...
Oh! Someone just noticed :)
Okay I'm over it now.
I'm starting to get super excited about our road trip! It's less than 2 months away, so I've been spending a lot of time on this site, looking for fun and funky attractions to check out on the road. We'll be spending 6-10 hours each day driving (I think about 7-8 days driving total), and hubs is far more interested in the baseball games and visiting his cousin in Cedar Rapids than the adventure of the drive, so I'm trying to make it as interesting as possible for both of us.
Here are some of the gems I've found:
-A huge meteor crater
-Billy the Kid's grave
-Cadillac Ranch of course (also VW Slug Bug Ranch and Combine City)
-A giant pair of legs
-A vampire's grave
-Some holy dirt (it's supposed to have "healing powers." I'll take all the help I can get!)
Okay let's face it, there are a LOT of weird attractions in the U.S., and most of them probably aren't all that interesting! But hey, maybe they'll make for a fun scrapbook! I am going to try to blog from the road, too, depending on how many hotels/motels we stay at have internet access.
I try to fly under the radar at work. I stay on top of things, I'm prompt with answering requests from customers and other departments... So why am I the target for every snarky bitch in the bank lately?
Today was the second time this week someone got their panties in a bunch and decided to blame me for stuff that wasn't my fault AND try to make me look bad in front of my boss. Luckily my boss, as much as she tends to jump to conclusions, usually backs up her employees.
I just hate dealing with people like that, and it seems like there's a high concentration of them at this company. Oddly enough, almost all of them are women. Hmm, go figure.
I need a good idea for a business so I can go off on my own and not have to deal with this BS anymore! Sigh...
But, I just didn't feel quite comfortable in it. As big as it was, it felt a little claustrophobic inside. I think that was because the frame/bar things on either side of the windshield contain airbags, which means they're really big. Having those things constantly in my periphery was really disconcerting whether I was driving or in the passenger seat. So the hunt continues!
Oh, but they did lower the price on the BMW hubs brought by my work last week. I may have played "bad cop" a little too well though, because they haven't called to tell us! Hehe, oops. Guess I need more practice.
-I'm afraid depression is sneaking its way back into my life, and it's getting harder and harder to fight. This time at least I feel like there's a source, whereas before I felt like I was going crazy because I had no "reason" to be depressed. That doesn't make me any happier, but it makes me feel stable enough that I know I don't want to go back on antidepressants at this point. There are a few different OTC/herbal antidepressants out there, so I think I may do some research.
-I lied yesterday about AF. Well, not "lied," I thought I stopped spotting on Sunday, but turns out I still am. It's still weird, Sunday it was sooooooo light and then it seemed to stop Monday morning but started again in the afternoon, and I still have it today. Today is CD7 which would normally be my spotty day, so hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. I have to say, darn you ladies for suggesting I test! Now I keep thinking, "Maybe..." I will wait until my hopes are back down so when I see that negative I won't fall apart. But I do agree that testing is the smart thing to do. I have absolutely no pg symptoms though, so don't get excited. It is for confirmation purposes only!
Okay off to do some work, some research, and maybe some road trip planning if I have time.
This is a new one for me - after 16 years of the most predictable periods, this visit from AF was lighter and shorter than ever, and just generally wacky. It has me a little weirded out, but hey, if she wants to cut our visit short, who am I to stand in her way?
Usually (and when I say usually, I mean like every month of my life since I first started getting periods) it's like this: 7 days long, CD1=light, CD2-3=heavy with painful cramps both days, CD4-6=gradual tapering off, CD7=spotting.
This is how it was this month: 5 days long, CD1=medium, CD2-3=lighter medium with brief painful cramps, CD4-5=spotting.
Today I feel just like the ladies in the tampon commercials, footloose and fancy free!
Also, I have to say this has got to be the weirdest period I've ever had. It's not nearly as heavy as usual, especially for the amount of pain I was in last night, but it seems like there's stuff in there that needs to get out! I'm not too worried about it, it's just weird.
Alrighty then, on to happier thoughts!
I don't think I have any solid plans for this weekend, and I am THOROUGHLY excited about that. The only thing I really want to do is light the fire pit tonight and make s'mores! (Yeah, pretty much once Yolanda returned I figured to hell with the low-sugar-low-starch diet.) We haven't used the pit since beer festivus and I do miss it so. It reminds me of camping, and that reminds me of being all relaxed on vacation. Ahhh...
Hubs has to work until 2:00 tomorrow, so I get to sleep in and then do housework. Joy! And on Sunday he wants to go to the park to bbq and play over-the-line with some friends. That could be fun actually.
Oh, we're expanding our car search, by the way. We're realizing that the BMWs we want are a bit more money than we'd like to spend, so we're looking at Acuras, Infinitis (which I think I actually like), and possibly a new Pontiac G8 (those things are fast!). We looked at an Acura last night, but it was just okay. I was totally unimpressed with the dealership and the sales guy - we couldn't even take it on a test drive - so that kinda left a sour taste in my mouth! Maybe I'll get to drive an Infiniti this weekend. There's one I kind of have my eye on...
Happy friggin' Friday, everyone!!!
I'd been enjoying a fairly mild visit from AF, which was a little odd, usually my cramps are worse. But I only took advil once yesterday, CD2 - normally my most crampy day. And I foolishly assumed I was home free this month.
Then last night I woke up at 2:00 a.m. with excruciating cramps that kept me up for almost two hours before they started fading, even after taking ad.vil and tyl.enol. Poor hubs tried to stay awake with me, but he's an insomniac and the sleeping pills are hard to fight. This morning I feel almost fine. My abdomen feels tender and I'm exhausted of course, but thankfully no cramps at this point.
The feeling that endo is involved is nagging at me more and more. Seems like I get horrendous cramps every two to three months now, whereas for the first couple years after I came off the pill I'd only get a really bad period a couple times a year. Before that it was excruciating more often than not. Last night I noticed the pain wasn't solely in my uterus either, it almost felt like it was vaginal/rectal as well. And it wasn't just achey, dull pain, it felt like stabbing and burning.
So, I think I have decided to wait another month or so, until we're finished TAB, to bring it up to my doctor. I will try to get him to order a lap based on the pain, once I find out whether my insurance will even cover it of course.
I know endo is a tricky beast and no one is the same, but I have to ask you ladies that have it, would you think that's what this sounds like? Or does it sound like "normal" AF behavior?
We'd love to post your stories about poor etiquette, bad manners, or general rudeness, so if you haven't checked it out, head over to Don't Call Us Kate. We just posted our first "feature," written by our own Allison, and it is nothing short of fantabulous!
On a totally unrelated note, hubs is so funny, he keeps going back and forth on whether we should get a BMW this summer or wait until next year. I've decided to leave it entirely up to him. If he can find one for a good deal with my modest requirements (I just want it to be black!) then I'm all for it. Well, he has the day off today and decided to go test drive another one at a dealership near my work. He brought it by to show me, and told me that I got to be the "bad cop." So I said stuff like, "I don't mind the paint," (it was metallic instead of the flat black that I prefer) and "the interior isn't bad." (Brown leather instead of black.) Kinda fun! I'm not getting my hopes up too high, though it would be nice to drive something comfier than my Scion on our road trip... Hmmm... We shall see!
When I was having these same issues a few years ago (persistent YIs every month) I tried what seems like everything to get rid of them - diflucan, vinegar douches, tea tree oil, herbal suppositories and douches, every OTC and prescription treatment, not to mention the supplements and changes in diet... I finally somehow discovered that combining Monistat 1 day and 3 day treatments knocked the yeast out and have been using it ever since. Well, I treated last week's Yolanda infestation in the usual manner. This time though, two days after my last application (which would be yesterday) I still had a lot of yucky discharge and some itching.
And then I had a breakdown. I am so incredibly frustrated. I feel like I'm all alone trying to figure this out, and I just don't know what else I can do. Neither my GP nor my GYN gives a crap, and they seem to know less about YIs than I do. They just hustle me in, hand over a useless prescription, and rush me out the door. Maybe I just have a hard time asserting myself, but I decided I'm fed up with it.
On the hubs' suggestion, I'm going back to my old GP. He doesn't take my insurance, but as hubs said, "We'll join the rest of the country and rack up some medical bills if we have to." This doctor was the only one who took the time to listen, research, and help me when I was having similar issues a few years ago. I just hope I can get in soon. Of course, AF showed up full force this morning, so I'm not sure what they will say about that. I guess if nothing else I could at least make an appointment to talk about some long-term options, such as taking diflucan regularly for several months or something.
I know there are other things I can try, like the candida diet, which hubs was kind enought to say he'd do with me. I also did a search to see if there was any correlation between celiac disease (since it runs in my family) and YI. There is a "loose" link, and maybe I can request they test for that to rule it out as well. I have a vague theory that hpv might be contributing as well, so I wonder if I can get a pap to see if there is currently dysplasia present. I'm just so scared that they're going to find that nothing is wrong, YIs are popping up for no apparent reason, nothing will cure them, and I'm wasting my childbearing years away not even able to TRY to get pregnant anymore. (Have you ever had sex when you had a YI?? One word: Sandpaper.)
I'll be calling the old doctor up as soon as they open. Please keep your fingers crossed that his staff is as nice as they used to be, and that someone takes pity on me! Otherwise, I may just be jumping off the balcony today... ;)
That's one of the big things - I wouldn't say I hate my job, but I definitely dread it. Remember that monster.com commercial that showed people getting out of bed before dawn, running outside with their shields and weapons to "fight Monday"? Yeah. That's how I feel. Only I feel like that every morning, not just on Mondays. It's just that: 1.My job is a terrible fit for me and 2. It's boring as hell. Sigh... I really should start looking for a new job. Either that or go back to school. I just don't know. I can't wait until my vacation!!
Then, naturally, there's the whole IF thing. Even though we're on a break, I've been really pessimistic about TTC lately. I just feel like it's never going to happen. Yes, I am impatient, I know. I mean, we haven't even seen an RE yet. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself that it ever had to come to this point. At any rate, it sucks.
And to top it all off, my vajay issues are making me insane. I used my last dose of meds last night so I SHOULD be feeling fine today, but I'm itchy. I am hoping it's just the meds causing irritation, but I can't tell. My YI trick has worked every time I've used it before (which has been LOTS of times), but I'm always paranoid that something has changed, the yeast have grown immune, and that this time it won't work. Then I'll be really screwed because nothing else has ever worked either.
Maybe I'll be better off admitting (and, God help me, accepting) that I can't always have control over things. Sometimes not even a sliver of control. Then I could just do what I can to take care of myself and the hubs, and trust that everything else will somehow be taken care of too. Is anyone able to do that? If so, can someone please show me how?
Ugh. My brain just needs to quiet down for a while.
I actually don't have very many memories of my chilhood before I was about twelve. I'm not really sure why that is or if it's normal.
But I do remember a few things about 4th of July as a child.
I used to love playing with sparklers at night, and how they seemed to leave streaks of light behind wherever you waved them. I thought it was so cool to be able to write my name in the air.
One year my family all got up before dawn and went to the beach to watch a fireworks display from the sand. I remember that it was a little foggy, but the fireworks were still impressive to me! The fog made them look like fuzzy bursts of color in the sky. And when the show was over and the sun started coming up my parents took my two brothers and me to McDonald's for breakfast. It's funny, the details that stick, huh?
We used to go camping at the beach for a week or two every summer, and sometimes it would be over the 4th of July. Fireworks were (well, still are) illegal, but we were rebels and my dad would always rustle some up and hope we didn't get caught. There was one year though, that we did get caught! Everyone was down on the beach lighting them off when the rangers showed up. I think the adults must have had a few drinks because my mom and her best friend started singing the theme to Jaws when they saw them approaching us. They thought they were hilarious! Maybe the rangers did too, because they ended up letting them off with a warning. That probably wouldn't happen nowadays!
This 4th of July is going to be a BUSY one. Hubs and I are starting the day off at the annual street fair downtown, then heading over to his family's beach house for what could be the last 4th of July bbq we'll ever have there, since they're planning on selling it. A couple friends of ours live in the same neighborhood so we'll probably cruise around on our bikes for a while. Then we'll head to hubs's youngest brother's housewarming party before going to another beach and ending the evening with a big (illegal) bang! Just carrying on the family tradition :)
Oh and the boss just popped by and said if everything's done we may get out of here around 3:30! Fingers crossed...
Happy Independence Day!
So, FYI: taking AZO Yeast tablets every day (which is "scientifically proven" to prevent YI), acidophilus capsules with 5 billion live cultures every day, tons of water, cutting way back on sugar, alcohol, bread, pasta, etc. while eating more fresh fruits and veggies, and changing undies twice a day DOES NOT HELP. Yolanda Ingrid showed up again last night. (So I'm having a friggin' donut today. Screw it.)
She seems to always show up between O and AF, so next month after I O I'm going to try using RepHresh. It's supposed to balance out vaginal pH, so I figure it's worth a shot. If that doesn't work, I'm going back to my doctor and demand they try SOMETHING. I've heard of taking Diflucan as a preventative, and although it never works for me to cure a YI, maybe it will help prevent one. Seriously. This is what, my 4th YI in the past 4 months??? Ridiculous.
Sigh... Happy 4th of July to me.
I mentioned last night that hubs wanted to check out another 2006 A4. So we go to the dealership, and the car is silver. I personally don't care for silver cars, and I discovered that I also don't care for the last generation body style of the A4. To me, it looks like a Hyundai Elantra. And my brother happens to drive a silver Elantra, so that's what this car reminded me of.
After walking around the A4 for a bit, we looked over and lo and behold, there's a 2008 BMW 3 series sitting two cars away, looking fab-u-lous. As Kramer would say, "Woooooooo mama!" It was black with tinted windows, and black leather interior with brushed metal trim instead of the usual woodgrain. And just like that I forgot all about my Audi obsession and fell head over heels for the BMW. We took it on a test drive and let me tell you, it really is the ultimate driving machine. Plus it was comfier than the A4. And it's an in-line 6 cylinder engine, so it has a lot of power even without being supercharged. I think it's true love.
I told hubs that I had a psychic premonition about this car. I can just see me in it! And let me tell you, I look goooood. We aren't in any rush though, so hubs is researching to find the best deal possible. And we may opt not to even get one, but for now, this is a lot of fun!!