(This may be trigger-y to some. Please know that I am expressing my personal feelings only and am in no way trying to make any arguments about anyone else's beliefs.)
(Oh yeah, and this is long.)
Up until recently I had a happy theory going that if I couldn't find a reason for something bad happening, it must be meant to teach me a lesson about life. I just needed to have some explanation to hold on to.
For example: I am infertile. I can find no explanation why anyone should be infertile, it goes against nature, and one could even argue that it goes against God's will ("be fruitful and multiply," and all that). Therefore, there must be a lesson in here for me to learn. Patience, maybe? Dealing with disappointment? Finding other ways to be happy? All of the above?
Lately, however, I find myself questioning my beliefs. And by that I mean pretty much anything that I've ever believed (okay, or theorized) to explain life's mysteries. Hubs says I'm having a crisis of faith. He apparently knows this because he had one years ago and got over it.
I always thought my faith was strong. I loved getting involved with the church, I sang in the choir for 15 years, prayed, went on retreats, read the Bible, etc. I suppose now my faith is being shaken, and I suppose I am doing the wrong thing by questioning it. And I know it's wrong that I've been angry at God for the past several months. Angry enough to stop going to church and to all but stop praying.
I'm probably oversimplifying things. I'm questioning my faith because I can't make sense of how a loving God would allow people to suffer so pointlessly. And further, why he would choose not to answer those people's prayers for relief.
(I know, my C.o.F is not even based on an original quandary!)
My frustration with this has caused me to think: 1. Prayer doesn't work, because 2. God doesn't actually get involved in our lives, and 3. because God isn't really involved in our lives he could care less about teaching us lessons. Therefore, seemingly pointless suffering is, in fact, pointless.
As a person who embraces logic, however, I have to go back to my logical self and the basics of what I believe to be true. I believe that God is all-powerful, which means His understanding must be FAR beyond mine. And I believe Him to be utterly good, which means at the very least He must not want us to suffer.
And yet we do. People have all kinds of theories about why that is - to help us create a better relationship with God, to better appreciate the times when we don't suffer, to learn compassion... I'm still not quite sure what I believe about that. But I think my anger towards God may be lessening some. And as long as I can remember those two fundamental things I think I can start building my faith up again.