My last day there was last Tuesday, hence the reason this is "old news," and ever since then I've been processing it all. I expected to walk out of there for the last time with a thrilling sense of relief, which I did. Actually I was so relieved while I was still in the office with HR and my boss that I started to tear up just a little. (Don't worry, I didn't let any tears fall, that would have sent the wrong message!) But I didn't expect for that relief to almost instantly turn into restlessness and worry. Was I being irresponsible by not trying harder to stay employed there? Was Hubs disappointed in me? Was I causing him undue stress? Even though he and I had talked at length about this happening, and about how we would be okay if and when it happened, I still found it necessary to question everything, as is my way.
On the surface it might seem irresponsible not to do everything it takes to stay employed when I was making a solid income in this economy. However, I believe that job did what it was inteded to do for me. It helped Hubs and me make enough money to buy our house and pay off almost all of our debt. It gave me new experiences as well; experiences that will hopefully help me land another job. And at the same time, it fought mightily with infertility for top spot in "Which stressor can make Kitty's life more miserable?" I've been able to start putting IF behind me, I just had to wait a little longer before I could put the 7th Circle of Hell behind me as well.
As my friend A keeps telling me, the universe is in alignment for me right now.
For one, and this is a big one, I was very fortunate to have been able to prepare for this. Even before the shit hit the fan on my first day back from vacation I knew it was coming. And during my vacation, for the first time probably ever, I was able to see that my job wasn't that important in the grand scheme of things. That being happy was really all I needed to focus on. There have been some little things too: Our most recent women's group topic was on coping with change; Hubs had the day off the day after I was let go, and he also had an extra long Labor Day weekend (which just ended today, sigh); my friend K had recently been through a very similar situation at the 7th Circle and was able to help me through it with my sanity (mostly) intact; and things were about to go from bad to worse at work at any minute. If I'd stayed through that, I would certainly have lost what was left of my sanity.
I said back in January that 2011 would be dubbed "Awesome Kitty 2011." Now I think that's happening in two parts: The first part of the year I was able to focus on putting the pain of IF behind me and become more comfortable, happy and grateful for what I have. The second part started when I realized there's more to life than work or the Almighty Dollar. After three and a half years of being worn down by work and infertility, I've lost myself. But how amazingly fortunate is it that just at the moment I needed to find myself again, to find confidence and happiness and peace again, I was given the opportunity to do just that?? Even though it's not an ideal situation, I feel blessed for this opportunity, and I'm going to take full advantage of it.