On my way home from work yesterday I suddenly remembered a summer day from years and years ago. I was driving around with a couple of friends, going nowhere in particular. We ended up cruising down this road on the outskirts of town that wound for a few miles between two hills. I remember taking in the sun and grass and flowers and trees, and enjoying the simple beauty of the moment.
And you know what? I can't remember a time in the past two years when I felt the same way.
Between my job and infertility, I've been feeling some level of anxiety almost constantly for two whole years. I get those yucky butterflies in my stomach on a daily basis. I have more headaches now than I ever used to. My "core" muscles and shoulders are perpetually tense. And I'm starting to get wrinkles in my forehead from the look of worry that's permanently plastered to my face.
The wrinkles are really the last straw.
I know I've said it before, but I'm trying to manage my stress better. It's a tad overwhelming when the stress is so pervasive, though, and I still haven't quite figured out how to get it under control. But I'm learning some things that work for me. For one, it helps that hubs and I have been busier during the week. I internalize everything, so the more I stay out of my own head the better. I've also been keeping up pretty well with my 100 Pushups, 200 Situps and 200 Squats regimens, and that helps too, probably because I'm so exhausted by the time I finish a workout that I don't have the energy to worry. (I see a really nice difference in my arms, waist and thighs, too! That definitely helps!)
One reason I'm looking forward to acupuncture is that I keep reading it produces a sense of well-being. Even if it doesn't help my fertility, I'll count it as a success if I feel more at ease afterwards. I also decided that for Valentine's Day hubs and I are going to hire his aunt, who's a professional masseuse, to come over and give us each an hour massage. We don't normally do much to celebrate VDay, but this year I think we've both earned it! And maybe I can talk him into letting me (or both of us) get regular massages every month or two. :)
For me, persistence is definitely key. I need to remember that staying active and busy actually helps me feel less stressed. Sitting on the couch watching the boob tube for hours on end does NOT. It's hard for a lazy person like me to get disciplined! But hopefully it'll pay off in the end and I'll be able to enjoy life a little bit more. Even if I don't have everything I want.