12.17.2010

The turning of a page

There is a chance that Hubs and I will some day have a biological child.  Right now, though, I am coming to realize that those chances are not increased by our efforts.  Infertility has left me exhausted and heartbroken to the point that giving up TTC sounds like sweet relief, and infinitely more appealing than one more month of valiant effort and crushing disappointment.

It hasn't been easy or clear-cut coming to this decision.  Hubs and I are becoming more and more comfortable with the idea that one day, a few years from now, our family will grow through adoption, and I've already started putting a lot less emphasis on TTC.  But still I've been miserable for weeks.  Until today I thought it was about my miscarriage and how much I hate my job; now I believe it's the end of the dream of little baby A+K I'm grieving.

I don't know if this is a permanent decision, but I think it should at the very least be open-ended so I can try to move on.  I also don't yet know what new direction my blog may take.  I guess I'll just wait and see, and I hope you do too.

18 comments:

elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I have been where you are and while it is scary, it is freeing.

Daisy83808 (Lex) said...

I'm here for you, Kitty. You and your DH are in my prayers.

M said...

The break we took after my failed IVF was SO refreshing. Sometimes we just need time where we aren't putting any pressure on ourselves. (((hugs)))

Megan said...

I know exactly what you mean. It's a pretty shitty realization to arrive at, but in a lot of ways, giving in to that 'sweet relief' is so much better than the endless months of failure.

I'm glad you're leaving your options open right now. The struggles of TTC limit us so much, no sense further limiting ourselves.

My Vegas said...

For whatever it's worth, I love your blog and will continue to read it as long as you write it.

You are in my thoughts! (((hugs)))

E said...

I am sorry it has come to this but you know in your heart what you need. I will be here for you anytime.

Tanya said...

I'm here thick and thin.... (((HUGS)))

Rain Child said...

TTC/IF is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. It's taxing on so many levels. There's so much grief to deal with. However you decide to build your family, you will make a wonderful mother to some little person!!! I have faith that you and Hubs will make the right decision for you.


(((HUGS))))

the Barreness said...

I am here too...It is one of the hardest transitions and one I too struggle with monthly.
(hugs)

Kate said...

A huge decision, but sounds like a necessary one. I'll be here... for whatever!

Allison said...

(((((Hugs)))))) You are a special lady. I feel ya, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Angie said...

I'm here for the long haul...best wishes for peace and comfort, dear friend. ((Hugs))

Alex said...

Will be here, no matter what you decide!

^J^ said...

Been there before. Heck, I think I'm still there most days. I guess that's why my blog has taken a back seat lately. Don't really know what to talk about anymore. :{ But don't you worry, I'll be sticking around no matter where the road takes us!

Jay said...

I've been thinking about this two. I've had 2 back-to-back miscarriages and though things still look hopeful for me on the bio-child front, I'm trying to mentally adjust to the now real possibility that my children might not be genetically mine.

Its NOT an easy concept to adjust to, and unfortunately the journey to acceptance and peace is a very solitary one- I wish you the best of luck with this, as well as the painful process of TTC.

Robin said...

You don't know me, but I can relate to you and the miserable emotions of infertility. My bout ended with a hysterectomy, and suprisingly, once I faced the facts, the agonizing hope of get pregnant seemed to disappear. I don't mean to make light of this, as that was a pretty drastic change, but it is true that once you don't press the issue, the moods and depression will subside.
Hang in there!

tracy said...

I will always wish the best for you, and be here to support you, no matter what path you chose to follow. And I know you will be a wonderful mom, whether biologically, through adoption, through Atticus, all of those, none or some.

Misty Dawn said...

Yes the realization is hard, the grieving is harder. It was so hard for me that I ate uncontrollably and gained a massive amount of weight and everything made me cry. Thank god for Lexapro! If only DH was open to the idea of adoption, it wouldn't make the biological child grieving as hard, but for me its the end. I hope you are able to persue your adoption dreams. I'm here and understand everything you are going through.