9.29.2010

Text from last night

Warning: Triggs ahead...

I have a friend who works for an organization that's trying to end abortion. They go out and counsel pregnant girls/women who are thinking about aborting, talk to them about other options, etc. From what she's told me it sounds pretty mellow - hand-holding, kumbayah kind of stuff. I mean as opposed to groups that plant pipe bombs at the Planned Parenthood or something.

Anyway, I'm supportive of my friend and proud of her dedication. I'm not 100% anti-abortion, but I do wish more girls/women who find themselves in an unwanted pregnancy would choose the very difficult option of adoption over abortion. That's not really what this post is about though, so put away your soap boxes. ;)

Yesterday my friend sent me a text asking me to pray for a girl who is 13 weeks along and scheduled for an abortion today.

I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. My first reaction was shock that she would send that to someone who just had a miscarriage. Yes, I've expressed some support for what she does, and I'm sure that's why she included me in what was most likely a mass text. But it hit a little too close to home and I doubt I would have done that had I been in her shoes.

Then I felt bad for being so selfish, and thought maybe I should pray for this girl. Regardless of where you stand on the abortion debate it's a big deal and she could probably use some prayers. So I sent one up.

I still don't really know how to feel about this. I'm not angry, not spurred into action for the cause, not really even sad. Emotional, yes, but which emotion?? Mostly I just don't want to continue to be on the receiving end of messages like that, especially two months post-miscarriage when I'm bleeding like a sieve and doubled over with cramps after one of the worst days I've had at work in a while. I didn't respond, and I'm hoping my friend takes that as a hint not to keep sending them to me. If not, I guess I'll have to tell her the old-fashioned way (i.e. I'll text her).

Thoughts? I'm also interested to know how you'd feel, in light of dealing with infertility and loss, in this situation.

8 comments:

Alex said...

Oh man, this is a tough one. I don’t really know what to think on this one. I’ve always been pro-choice, but against abortion. I would never ever have one – I made this decision even before having sex the first time – and I’ve told every sexual partner this fact usually before we became sexual partners, right along with the “do you have any STDs” conversation. But I’ve always been pro-choice, because I understand that there are people out there that need one, or want one, or whatever. And a government should not be allowed to direct what can be done with a woman’s body. I know you said no soapbox, but I felt compelled to share…

Regarding your friend, she probably did send it out on a mass text, not really thinking. But she should have thought. She should have reviewed the list of people she was sending this to, and acknowledged that perhaps you shouldn’t have received this text. If I were to receive this now, after going through a miscarriage, after mourning the loss of my babies that were not anywhere near 13 weeks, after seeing the heartbeat of my baby and then losing it, this email would upset me. Your post upsets me. I have a really hard time empathizing with someone who is choosing to terminate her pregnancy at 13 weeks, when I would have given anything to have my baby. And I have a really hard time praying for her. Yes, she probably needs love and the prayers, but I just can’t be that person to give that right now.

I think you should say something to your friend. If it was a mass text, she wouldn’t expect to receive any response, and therefore she wouldn’t just get it by not receiving a response. If it was a direct text, then I really don’t understand why she sent it to you – of all people. Both situations warrant a gentle but firm conversation. Perhaps simply asking her to not send you any more texts like that as you’re grieving the loss of your baby and can’t understand abortion right now will suffice.

Hugs to you – this is tough!

Alex said...

Oh man, this is a tough one. I don’t really know what to think on this one. Regarding your friend, she probably did send it out on a mass text, not really thinking. But she should have thought. She should have reviewed the list of people she was sending this to, and acknowledged that perhaps you shouldn’t have received this text. If I were to receive this now, after going through a miscarriage, after mourning the loss of my babies that were not anywhere near 13 weeks, after seeing the heartbeat of my baby and then losing it, this email would upset me. Your post upsets me. I have a really hard time empathizing with someone who is choosing to terminate her pregnancy at 13 weeks, when I would have given anything to have my baby. And I have a really hard time praying for her. Yes, she probably needs love and the prayers, but I just can’t be that person to give that right now.

I think you should say something to your friend. If it was a mass text, she wouldn’t expect to receive any response, and therefore she wouldn’t just get it by not receiving a response. If it was a direct text, then I really don’t understand why she sent it to you – of all people. Both situations warrant a gentle but firm conversation. Perhaps simply asking her to not send you any more texts like that as you’re grieving the loss of your baby and can’t understand abortion right now will suffice.

Hugs to you – this is tough!

Tanya said...

((HUGS))
You had a crappy day yesterday, for that I'm sorry. I understand how you are feeling and I think it would be incredibly hard enough to receive those message without going through the m/c as a fellow TTC'er, and double that going through the m/c. I feel when having a tough day, that may be just enough to send someone into a downward spiral depression that would be extremely difficult to get out of...

Allison said...

I describe the emotion as utter-disbelief-at-the-unfuckingfairness-of-the-world.

Because that's what it comes down to. All logic and rational reasoning about "what must the other woman be going through" aside, it's completely unfair that miscarriages happen to people who want a baby so badly, while other women's unwanted pregnancies stick.

I'm still having a hard time facing the friend who confided in me about her abortion minutes after holding my hand as I cried about my infertility. I still have a hard time with the anti-abortion billboard I pass every day on my commute.

Because there's no way around it - it just sucks.

(((Hugs)))

Lookingforaplussign said...

First, let me say how much I hate mass texting, and anyone who has ever sent me anything via mass text has received a not so nice phone call from me about etiquette, etc. Grrrr...

And this is why.

This might offend someone, but what did the author of this email intend to get out of alerting everyone to someone else's business? Really? Mass prayer? You sure as hell didn't appreciate the text and we here all know why. But she clearly didn't give a rats ass about your feelings but rather intended to use text messaging as spam. That's all.

I sure as hell would NEVER send mass emails to my phone list asking to pray for every bad thing that is about to happen. Abortion is bad or its not, that's not the point of this post. Spam texting is BAD, and that's the point.

Miss Ruby said...

I'd text her back and politely ask her not to include you in any mass texts in the future and especially about issues such as this one.

As for how I'd feel...despite all my miscarriages, I'm still a believer in "its your body, your choice" it's not my place to dictate to other people about what they should do, it's their life, not mine.

Big hugs

xxx

Steph O. said...

I am anti-abortion. I can understand why some women may choose it (i would never add to the grief of a woman who's found out that a baby has a terminal problem & has come to the hard decision af terminating), but under no circumstances (even risk to my own life) would I end the life of my unborn child. I'm especially angry at the women who choose abortion because the baby wouldnt be convenient to their life, I think they should think of that BEFORE having sex. But I don't want to turn your blog into a debate.

I think what your friend did is totally tacky. Why is it her business to share the personal info/circumstances of this woman? Who would even send that in a mass-text? Really? Do you know how all those people are going to feel about it? And if it was only sent to you, is she a total clod? Or does she not understand the whole concept of m/c? In short- I'd be PISSED about getting that! Tell her, quite bluntly, that future mssgs of that kind are NOT welcome!

(((((HUGS)))))

-my husband grows cotton- said...

Wow.

After your day yesterday, I would have looked up to heaven and asked God "What next?" Seriously. I think you handled your emotions better than I would have.

I would definitely email or call her about the mass texting. My parents do it all the time and it drives me insane.

(((((HUGS)))))))