Round 2

Well hello there strangers.  I started a post a couple days ago to update my chronicle of TTC and non-TTC adventures, but never published it.  And now some things have changed that would have required another update anyway, so here I am, updating.  This is more for my sake than yours because I've often found it helpful to go back and read the things I've gone through for comparison purposes.

I would say, "the good news is," but I'm not sure I'd even call it good news at this point.  So I'll just say it - I'm pregnant.  Six weeks tomorrow, technically.  I started spotting yesterday though, which is the reason I'm here posting today.  It feels like a bad dream, but it all started so hopefully.  Hubs and I were on vacation when my period was late, late, late.  When we got home last Friday I tested and got a strong positive.  We were shocked, well, sort of.  Both of us had suspicions by that point, but by shocked I mean we haven't TTCed in over a year and a half and never thought we'd end up with a surprise pregnancy.  Unlike last time I had no spotting, and it seemed that my symptoms were stronger - more moodiness, tiredness, changes in eating habits, and some stomach issues.  Things seemed good.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and that was fine.  She took a culture but I didn't let her give me a pap as last time it increased the spotting I'd started and I didn't want to do anything that might cause me to freak out later.  The next day the nurse called and told me I have a bacterial infection and to start using Metro Gel to treat it that night.  Then yesterday, after the first night using it, I noticed that I started spotting in the afternoon.  Very lightly, but definitely a little bit of dark pink blood.  I freaked.  Called the doctor and she said it could be the Metro Gel, not to use it that night and to see if I stopped spotting today.  Unfortunately, no such luck.  This morning when I checked the spotting had definitely picked up a bit.  So now I'm really freaking out. 

It feels like deja vu.  Or a recurrent nightmare.  Last time I tried so hard to keep my hopes up, tried to stay calm and positive, and it all ended horribly anyway.  This time I'm having a lot, LOT harder time keeping positive or having any hope at all.  We wanted to wait to announce anything until after we heard a heartbeat, but I ended up spilling to my parents last night.  Why wait when I need the support now?  I hate that I have basically already thrown in the towel; I worry that my negative attitude will somehow make things worse, if there is any hope to be had.  Stupid.  But I don't know how to be positive at this point.  I know that lots of women have had spotting early in pregnancy and then went on to have healthy babies, but I haven't.  Everything about me is different from "normal" women.  Is there really any reason to think this time will be any different?