I finally decided that I would post a (tasteful) Facebook announcement once we had confirmation that this little alien is still alive. Thank you to everyone for your input :) Well today I went in for a doctor's appointment and we got to hear the heartbeat on the little doppler thingy. (Sidenote - whenever I told family members that the doctor said we'd get to do the doppler at our next appointment, someone invariably said something like, "Oh, they're going to check the weather in there? Haha!" *Wink, wink!* Very clever...) I'd been told that the first time they do it, it can take a while to find the heartbeat, but I lucked out and the doc found it right away. It was very cute, all fast and loud and swooshy. She went to show me the comparison between the baby's and mine, and it took her like three times as long to find my pulse! Guess maybe I'm not as alive as I thought.
Anyway, I was all set to post my announcement sometime today and then... I remembered it's October 15th and Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. D'oh! Thank goodness I saw a couple of posts about it before I came across as a seriously inconsiderate asshole. So my announcement will wait until tomorrow, and today I will support my fellow sisters who have experienced losses instead.
In other news, I'm still figuring out how to get excited about this baby. I know that sounds terrible and I don't want you to think this pregnancy isn't an incredibly welcome event, because it is. My MIL keeps asking when we can get excited and telling me she wants me to be HAPPY (I had to emphasize the word the way she does). I don't even know how to explain the way I'm feeling. I strongly suspect it has something to do with my depression, because, like I said, this baby is more than welcome in my life, and it's not at all that I'm disappointed or bummed about being pregnant, it's just that I don't feel particularly overjoyed. And I really thought I would feel that way, so it is a bit strange to feel so stoic.
But I am not going to beat myself up about it. There's nothing worse for depression than berating yourself for falling short of your own expectations, especially when it's outside of your control. I love that my friends and family are so excited, and honestly when I'm around them their excitement is infectious. Maybe I just need to be around them more often! It certainly doesn't help that I'm alone most of the time, and exhausted most of the time too. I guess anyone would have a hard time mustering up a constant level of enthusiasm under the circumstances. Still, I hope I get that burst of excitement soon, maybe it will once I allow myself to start shopping for baby stuff :)
10 comments:
I read your blog all the time and I love your writing style!!
I think maybe the reason you are not very excited yet, is because it still doesn't feel real, and 6 months away is still a long time. I know with my first, until I actually had the bump and felt the kicks, it didn't seem real. I bet you will feel more excited the closer it gets!
Congratulations!! I understand completely how you feel. We tried to get pregnant for so many years, and I always had visions of how I would feel, the fun things I would do, decorating, shopping, talking to the baby in my belly etc. But when I actually got pregnant (with twins!) it was almost as if it wasn't real. I didn't really feel anything. It was like although I could see my belly growing, and feel them, the reality of it all and real emotions never really sunk in until close to their birth when I packed the hospital bag! I think it's just a side effect of IF!
I was not overjoyed like I thought I would be either. Hormones will fuck with you :). Don't worry about it AT ALL!!!!
So glad all is well with the bambino !!!
We were happy at the very beginning because we finally had a cycle that worked, then we went through a long lag period being scared to death that something bad would happen. The happy started again after the 20 week anatomy scan when we found out they were boys. It will come, but you'll always be worried.
Is it because you are worried or is because you are one of few that realize "bad things" do happen to everyday people like ourselves? I felt very cautious when I was pregnant, almost scared to be happy.
I'll be looking for your announcement ;)
So glad everything is going well with the baby! Yay! I think how you are feeling is... guarded?? I think this is why I had such a huge adjustment period once I brought the baby home. It's like my mind never saw past actually getting/being pregnant. That was the goal after all, I wouldn't allow myself to fantasize about an ACTUAL baby! It wasn't until a day or two before my induction that I actually wondered what this little person might look like. Things will progress and you will feel different emotions along the way, all perfectly normal!
Dude, okay. I actually went out of my way to sign in to blogger on the computer (rather than just reading on the sidelines from my Reeder app like I normally do) because this one is important to me. Yes, me. It's all about me, right?
Moving on...
So, try to remember who you are and how YOU normally respond to exciting, new changes in your life. Meditate on what your expectation is for this "excitement" that you're trying to feel. Does it actually FEEL like something or is it a mindset or adrenaline or racing thoughts or run-on sentences? Try to channel how you felt when you had other life-changing, stereotypically "exciting" things happen in your life - may I suggest your wedding day or buying your first home or car, or moving away from home? Okay, so take those thoughts and feelings that naturally come to you and add your history with this particular topic.
I'm not telling you how to feel, I'm just asking you to be as kind and patient with yourself and your emotions as you are with your dear friends. Be real - you're you, you're okay.
Love you, Friend :)
I'm sure you have reservations about how you finally came to this point. I hope that subconciously you aren't enjoying your PG out of grief for the others that haven't been as fortunate. We are here and very happy for you!!! I have no personal experience but I'm sure I would be living day by day in fear of another loss. (((HUGS))) Kitty and I hope you can soon find your much needed excitement about your PG!!!
Kitty, don't beat yourself up about how you feel. After all this time, it's hard to not guard your heart. I felt the same way myself. As time goes on and you reach certain milestones, you will start to feel differently. For me, it was when Ellie moving around and kicking me. It's all totally normal :)
I agree with all the above. It is totally normal. After so much loss it is really hard to feel excited because you are almost programmed to prepare for another heartbreak. At the same time, after all the years of waiting, hoping, praying, agonizing, I think the build-up is just way too much and we are bound to feel less excitement than we expected. Give yourself time. This WILL sink in and you will feel the amazing feelings you longed to feel for so many years. It may not be as soon as you think, but it will happen. Hang in there Mama!!! xoxo Jen
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