Last week was another gnarly week of torrential rain and sickness here. Cadence has been bringing home every virus that makes the rounds at preschool, and try as I might I have yet to prevent Max from catching everything she gets (with the blessed exception of the stomach bug she had a couple weeks ago). Bonus: he tends to stay sicker longer than she does, and although he's much better the past couple days than he was last week, we're currently on day 12 or 13 of this cold and cough and green mucusy gross-fest resulting in a fussy tired baby who somehow doesn't want to sleep. Oh and did I mention he's teething again too?
Now that the rain is on hiatus I've been making an effort to get out more though. Today we went to the library to check out some books and probably some new germs too. But at least I got to see the inside of a building other than my house.
I seriously need to figure out how to be a better SAHM. Who knows when I'll land a job. I for sure thought I'd be gainfully employed by now, but since it hasn't happened I'm realizing it could still be a while and it's getting real hard to stay optimistic. Meanwhile I'm stuck inside most of the time with two sick kids and no money to spend on fun stuff even when they're well. And let's be honest, even at the best of times I'd prefer working at a nice desk job surrounded by adults and being intellectually stimulated than wiping butts and coloring and watching cartoons and arguing with a very dramatic 3 year old about why Girl Scout cookies aren't an acceptable breakfast item.
See, I'm good at being employed. I'm smart, I'm great with computers, and I'm a fantastic coworker. I even look for actual work to do when I have down time (usually). And when I'm employed I'm a better mom too. But man, I suck at being a SAHM. I just can't seem to get it together, to be organized enough so my kids are on a stimulating schedule that keeps them (and me) happy. I lose my patience a lot, like when my preschooler asks me over and over for something after I've told her no, and I absolutely lose my shit when that line of questioning eventually dissolves into (her) tears and cries for DADDY! As if he would be on her side, seriously. I'm exhausted by having to be "on" 24 hours a day. Max is on the move big time and of course puts everything in his mouth. He has blowouts like I never thought possible and barfs on the floor and then crawls through it on a daily basis. Did I mention he weighs over 25 pounds? It's a lot to pick him up and clean him off and he freaks whenever I change his clothes.
I am tired. I miss having coworkers and sitting at a desk and meeting deadlines and writing policies and business emails and taking the time to get the details right in training materials. And mostly I miss feeling like I was doing something I was good at and actually enjoyed.
I'm gonna put some serious thought into how I can be a happier and better SAHM. I need to get better at it.