Awesome Kitty 2011

When I told my friend K about Hubs's and my decision to stop TTC, she was, as she always has been, super supportive and encouraging.  Excited even.  She told me she sees me as being very hard on myself, and that she has a feeling this is going to be my year for happiness.  Her phrase was "AWESOME KITTY 2011!"  (Yes, in all caps.)

K's phrase (hey, that rhymes!) has stuck with me, and Hubs has taken to using it when I need a little pep talk as well.  Just this morning he told me, "Super Awesome Kitty 2011 doesn't take crap from anyone!"  He took the liberty of adding the "Super" part, but I like it.  Somehow, as silly as it sounds, it actually helps to hear it.  In a way it reminds me that even though I can't control everything, my happiness is in my hands.  I can make this an awesome year even when things don't go my way.  Because if I've learned anything in my 30 years on this planet, it's that more often than not life doesn't turn out the way you planned.  But that doesn't mean I can't be happy.

So I guess this year is my happiness project!  I'm working on changing my outlook, and surprisingly I've already noticed a difference in my attitude.  Even Hubs has commented on it.  I have to admit I've slowly but surely been regaining some confidence, been more open to people in general, and felt moments of peace more frequently than I have in a long time.  Granted, I definitely still have my bad days - way more of them than I would like!  But I feel like I have a bit more strength to help me get past those moments.  And best of all, I am starting to think there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

So much to say so much to say

Dudes, the title is a lie.  I just don't have a lot to say right now.

Work is crazy and the job hunt is slow-going.  I'm in a bit of a depression but I'm working on it.  There's not a whole lot going on in my life other than work, and work is kinda like the seventh circle of hell lately.  No wonder I'm depressed. 

This morning I started thinking about setting some goals for myself, I think that might help boost my spirits.  There are plenty of things I'd like to accomplish and now that I don't have to worry about that pesky little thing called TTC, I should have plenty of time to accomplish them.  I think I'll create a new tab up top to keep track. (Update: see "To Do List.")

It's time to start taking back my life.  Back from IF and back from work.  It was mine to begin with, after all.

So here's what happened

Thanks so much for all of the comments and good thoughts.  I think they helped!

The reader's digest version of what happened is this:  Right in the middle of this HUGE project both my departments are spending hours upon hours of overtime working on, one of them got fired yesterday.  I honestly can't blame the company for doing it, although it's extremely unfortunate for the girl who got fired.  As well as for myself since I'm shortstaffed until they can find a replacement, which will probably be a few weeks, and my other two employees since their jobs are being turned upside-down to provide coverage.  My departments were understaffed as it was, and this just pushes us over the edge.  Now nobody can get sick or take a day off because the Hag (remember her?) refuses to "share" any of her employees, a handful of which are trained to cover us.

It's just a big fat mess.  Oh yeah, and I found out today that starting the 31st they're changing who I'm reporting to.  Again.  This would be boss number 3 in as many years.  Neat.

But like I said, your thoughts and prayers must have helped because I'm in a surprisingly good mood now. Even though I'm exhausted, and even though the Hag was being a hag to me all day, and even though another annoying coworker tried (quite unsuccessfully) to throw me under the bus this afternoon, I'm feeling good.  Like, confident even.  It's been a long time since I felt confident at work.  That's not enough to make me want to stay for any longer than I have to, but hopefully it will last long enough to get me through the worst.

And now - it's a three day weekend!  And it's supposed to be sunny and 80 degrees all weekend!  And I'm going to enjoy every last minute of it while pretending my job doesn't exist!

Oh God

I thought things couldn't get much worse at work, but once again work has proven me wrong, wrong, WRONG. 

More when I can say more.  Until then, please send encouraging thoughts and prayers my way.  I could definitely use them.

Hanging in there

Well hello there folks!

Sorry my presence in blogland has greatly diminished.  To be honest, it's been nice not thinking about TTC and when I'm here I think about it.  And that makes me sad.  And I can't always come up with brilliant and hilarious posts that make everyone's day, so there you have it.  But I still love you, and I'm still alive!

By the way, I picked a terrible time to stop TTC.  Seriously, is everyone pregnant right now?  Because it sure seems like it!  Don't get me wrong, I'm genuinely happy for each one of my pregnant buddies, especially the Infertiles, but man, I just feel like I'm surrounded.  On the other hand, if I was still trying I think I'd feel a lot of pressure because of that.  So yes, I still think stopping/taking a hiatus is a very good thing for me.  All the more because my job is pure shit right now and it's taking everything I have not to throw down my work, march in to my boss's office and scream, "You're a lazy asshole, do this shit yourself because I QUIT!"  The only thing stopping me is I'm a lady and ladies don't call their bosses "asshole."  ...Ahahahaha! Yeah right, you got me.  The real reason I don't do that is because I can't afford to quit without having another job lined up.  Which I'm working on!  I can't wait to get the hell out of here.

Whew.  You can tell I'm stressed when I swear profusely.  Even Hubs is growing weary of my gutter mouth.  Sorry, I'll try to rein it in.

So yeah.  Not TTC = Good.  I've come to realize I'm in a terrible place to be trying to get pregnant.  Even if it were to happen I'd probably worry so much that I'd end up miscarrying again.  And if I didn't miscarry, I'd certainly have a hell of a time trying to juggle taking care of an infant and continuing to work here without going ballistic.  If Hubs and I decide to start trying again it will be after I get my act together and can go more than a few days without having a breakdown at my desk.  And if we decide to try IVF, which we've talked about, it will be after all that and after we pay off our debt.  (Which will hopefully be next year! We're getting close!)

Other than that, things are fine.  I've been spending more time with my girlfriends, Hubs and I have gone out with friends a couple of times.  We're getting back into circulation after being hermits for the past few months.  I still don't have the nerve to hang out with the pregnant chicks, but hey, baby steps right?  I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and working on not taking things to heart so much.  It's slow-going and I'll probably end up needing professional help anyway, but I can see a little improvement already.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll be a happy, well-rounded individual!  Wouldn't that be nice?

Happy Thursday my friends!  Only one more day until the weekend and I CAN'T WAIT.  Here's hoping it gets here fast!