Just a few things

There is nothing like going back to regular ol' morning sickness after enjoying a particularly brutal bout of food poisoning.  Mmm.  It was either the frozen chicken stir-fry I made on Monday for dinner, or the cheesy curly fries I had during bowling directly after dinner.  Well, that or eating said cheesy curly fries with grody house bowling ball fingers.  Whatever it was, it came out with a vengeance early Tuesday morning and didn't stop until that night.  I was so nauseous all day I couldn't even nap, and ingested nothing but sips of ginger ale and a few saltines later in the day.  Yesterday my stomach was back to about 90% normal, but I was so freaking tired I stayed in bed until 1:00 p.m.  Today I feel like me again.  Well, pregnant me anyway, what with the background of mild nausea and underlying tiredness. For which I am even more grateful than usual!

Other than the barfing, life is pretty boring these days.  I really enjoy working at my part time job, but I'm a little frustrated because I don't have a set schedule there, and I never know for sure when I'm working until the last minute.  The owners aren't in the office at regular hours either, plus they're night people and don't usually go in until sometime in the afternoon on the days they do go in, then they stay late.  So I'm thinking a general lack of schedule is normal for them.  But for me, it causes stress.  I like to be able to plan my week; as little as I have to do, I still need some structure!  Plus I like to be home around the time Hubs gets home (like 7:00 p.m.), which really limits my hours working in the office when I don't go in until around 2:00 or later.  I'm planning on asking them today if they'd mind me having a key so I can go in a little earlier and have more time to get stuff done.  Then hopefully we can work out a schedule that works for everyone.  Particularly me. 

As for the pregnancy, I'm still adjusting.  Even though I saw the heartbeat last week it still feels very abstract.  I have a hard time thinking of the little nugget as a baby, although I do have these occasional images flash through my mind - like the second bedroom as a functional nursery, or the feeling of a baby's cheek against mine.  Those are nice.  I don't know if I'm in denial about the whole thing or if I just got so used to imagining a childfree life that it's hard to switch gears.  I'm sure I will switch gears eventually though, as long as things keep going smoothly.  

Better

My anxiety has subsided in the past few days.  Every day that I don't spot I feel a tad more comfortable.  And I think it helps that I've been staying busy. 

I started working at my new part-time gig this week, which has been fun.  I'm doing office work for a DJ/Lighting/Photo Booth company, and I also host photo booths at events (usually weddings) when they need me.  Tonight is going to be my first time hosting one all by my lonesome and I'm a tad nervous!  I'm going to have to talk to people - like lots of people - in an entertaining type of fashion.  Not that I have to sing and dance or tell jokes of course, but I will have to be "on" and help ensure everyone has a great (and smooth) time using the booth.  This is not my forte.  But I'll figure it out and try to have fun with it.

I also took a job at a catering event the other day; my first time working for a caterer.  It was a good experience despite being utterly exhausted by the end of the evening.  And I didn't even actually serve food, I stood next to a cheese station for a few hours and mostly people-watched.  But I was there for 7 hours, on my feet the whole time, and I'm not used to such exertion!  The owner of the catering company liked me and said she'd love to work with me again, so that was nice.  Anything that helps pay the bills!

I figure this experience can only help me as I continue working to build my event coordinating business.  Now I have a much better idea what it's like on the catering and entertainment ends of events.  Plus I'm making connections with other vendors, and I actually enjoy working again!  The difference between working at a bank or other heartless corporation and working with small business owners is like night and day.  These people not only love what they do, have fun with it and are generally super friendly, but they appreciate the people who work for and with them, and treat each other nicely!  I could get used to this :)

Real live human baby

I was so nervous before the ultrasound appointment this morning.  And honestly, I am still nervous!!!  Spoiler alert, it was good.  And it feels very surreal!

So the u/s tech did the abdominal scan first, and could actually see the heartbeat flicker, but it wasn't very clear.  She said she didn't think I was eight weeks, but not to worry (I'm 8 weeks 3 days past my last period), so of course I immediately started worrying more.  We moved on to the dildo cam, and lo and behold she was wrong.  The little bugger is measuring right about 8 weeks 4 days, and the heartbeat is nice and strong at 171.  She said it looks nice and secure in there, and everything looks good.  I don't see the doctor again until Monday, so that's all I got for now.

Now I have this fear that I'm going to start spotting again, like the wand might have irritated some stuff down there or something.  But I'm trying to remind myself that ultrasounds do not cause miscarriages!

Whew.  I should probably feel/sound more excited, right?  I'm just still so nervous!

I'm finally starting my part time job this afternoon, so that should help me keep my mind off of being anxious, hopefully.  I'm doing some office work for a DJ and event lighting company.  Then tomorrow I have a catering gig, basically just hosting some buffet stations, nothing too strenuous.  At least I'll have a little extra money coming in this week, god knows we're gonna need it!

Countdown is on

I've got my first appointment with the shrink this afternoon.  I've been feeling better about things since the spotting stopped again on Friday, but I know I'm still just a TAD unstable so I'm looking forward to going this afternoon.  Two more days until the ultrasound...

Today I'm 8 weeks 1 day pregnant.  It feels like a milestone.  Not to get morbid, but last time my miscarriage was confirmed at 8 weeks exactly, and this time things seem to be going okay at this point.  I've been getting more and more nauseous, which is not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be.  Apparently throwing up/trying not to throw up always sucks.  But it does help me feel more secure so I'll take it. 

As optimistic as I'm feeling today, I'm still dreading the ultrasound on Wednesday.  I really, really, really don't want to get bad news, or unclear news, or anything other than positively good news.  Even with great news I know I'll still find some reason to feel anxious.  Well, at least I know what I'll be talking to the shrink about today.  I would love to get to a point where I can start feeling excited and thinking beyond the next few days, or at least beyond the next trip to the bathroom.  Hopefully she will help me out with some of that today.

Eh, can't think of an appropriate title

I am really bad at this whole "Calming the F down" business.  I mean, as long as everything goes smoothly and there are no surprises, I'm golden.  But as soon as I hit a bump in the road I lose my shit.  I told my NP this at my appointment yesterday and she was soooo understanding.  That's one nice thing about my OB's office, they seem to actually care about my mental health.  Well, except for the one midwife who scared the shit out of me last week.  (Oh PS, they said they were happy with my 2nd beta, so not to worry.  Haha.  Okay I'll get right on that.)  But moving forward...

So I don't have an infection anymore, score!  But I started spotting again.  DRAT.  I went five days with no sight of blood and then yesterday there was some pinkness.  KNOCK ON WOOD it seems to be lighter today, so hopefully it's just doing some kind of annoying coming and going thing that doesn't mean imminent disaster.  Doc says take it easy and keep them posted if it gets heavy.  Gagginess continues, as does tiredness, although I've managed not to take a nap for a few days in a row.  I have just 6 more days to wait until my ultrasound, and hopefully I'll feel marginally better when I hear a heartbeat.  Did you see that?  I said WHEN.  I'm practicing being more positive.

Meantime, I am going to call a therapist.  I'd been on antidepressants for several months before finding out I was pregnant, at which point I immediately stopped, and I'm obviously feeling the effects now.  It's funny, Wellbutrin is such a mellow drug that I hardly even knew I was taking it, but now that I'm off it I remember what a basket case I am when I'm unmedicated.  Though I'm sure the hormones aren't helping matters.  I also miss my Xanax.  So I figure the next best thing is to talk to a shrink.  I will be calling the therapist my OB referred me to tomorrow, before my appointment for a relaxing facial, courtesy of my awesome SIL L.

Okay that's it for now.  Please keep your fingers crossed for 1. A live baby in my ute that stays alive for many, many years to come (though not in my ute that whole time), and 2. That regardless of the outcome I find a way to hold myself together for the foreseeable future.

This post brought to you by the letter F

You know what's hard?  Calming the F down when your doctor's office is F-ing with you!! 

So I was having a late lunch with my friend T on Friday, happily chatting away when my phone rings at about 3:30.  A different midwife from the one I spoke with on Wednesday is on the line and tells me she was looking at my beta.  She says, "It's not terrible, but it's more indicative of someone who is at 5 weeks.  You should be somewhere in the hundreds of thousands now.  I'd feel better if I saw them double, and I'm a little concerned that you're still spotting."  And sent me for another blood draw.

AHEM!!!!!!!  Excuse me, but 1. Why am I getting conflicting info from 2 midwives?  2. Why, when I asked the first midwife if the numbers should be doubling did she tell me no, and this one is telling me they should be?  and 3. WHY THE F is she calling me on FRIDAY at 3:30, before a 3 day weekend, telling me to get another draw when I specifically asked the other midwife two days before if I should do another draw and she told me no???  Oh yeah, and 4. HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS at 6.5 weeks???  REALLY???  Doesn't that seem a tad unreasonably high???

Okay so it gets worse.  I BOOKED IT over to the hospital immediately, freaking out of course, hoping the lab could get my results to the doc on time for me to get the numbers before they closed at 5:00.  My mom met me there, spoke to the lab folks, and got them to agree to have the results ready in 45 minutes, 20 minutes before the Dr's office closed.  Right after the draw I called and spoke to the same midwife and asked if someone would be there until 5:00 to call me because the lab said they'd have the results ready before then.  She sort of hemmed and hawed but eventually said she would call me if the results came in on time.

I'll give you two guesses as to what happened next.  Yeah.  NO CALL by 5:00.  My phone was dying and after doing a little "get my mind off it" shopping with my mom, I got home right at 5, plugged in my phone and called the doc's office.  Naturally, they'd already switched the phones over to the operator, and when she called the back office line to see if anyone was still there, there was no answer.  Grrr...  Hubs wanted to call and yell at the on-call doctor, but luckily my mom has friends in high places.  She got a doctor friend of hers to get the results for me.  (Apparently the system was down until around 6:30 which is probably why my Dr's office never called, but DAMN!  They knew I was freaking out!  They couldn't at least call and say the system was down?)

So the numbers didn't double, the second result was 24,176 (the first was 3 days before and was 13,754).  According to this website and everywhere else I've looked online, this is still within normal range, and at this point the numbers usually double within 96 hours, not necessarily 2-3 days.  Who the F knows?  Knock on wood the spotting seems to have stopped as of yesterday.  But I'm still having a hard time thinking positive.  Ugh why does this have to suck so much???

I've been telling myself whether this works out or not, it's all good.  It's fine.  We weren't trying for this, we were happy before this happened and we'll be happy again.  And god dammit I'm going to Hawaii if no baby comes out of this, and I really want to go to Hawaii.  I already figured out what islands we'll go to (the big island to see waterfalls and volcanoes, then Oahu for Pearl Harbor and general relaxing) and to be honest I kind of have my hopes up for a second honeymoon.  Of course I am hoping for the other result more, but either way I figure I win.  (Remind me I said that if this whole pregnancy goes south, okay?  Actually on second thought, for your own safety you might not want to remind me.)

Back to the waiting game.  But I'm going to demand to talk to an actual DOCTOR on Tuesday, not one of these asshat midwives.