I am really bad at this whole "Calming the F down" business. I mean, as long as everything goes smoothly and there are no surprises, I'm golden. But as soon as I hit a bump in the road I lose my shit. I told my NP this at my appointment yesterday and she was soooo understanding. That's one nice thing about my OB's office, they seem to actually care about my mental health. Well, except for the one midwife who scared the shit out of me last week. (Oh PS, they said they were happy with my 2nd beta, so not to worry. Haha. Okay I'll get right on that.) But moving forward...
So I don't have an infection anymore, score! But I started spotting again. DRAT. I went five days with no sight of blood and then yesterday there was some pinkness. KNOCK ON WOOD it seems to be lighter today, so hopefully it's just doing some kind of annoying coming and going thing that doesn't mean imminent disaster. Doc says take it easy and keep them posted if it gets heavy. Gagginess continues, as does tiredness, although I've managed not to take a nap for a few days in a row. I have just 6 more days to wait until my ultrasound, and hopefully I'll feel marginally better when I hear a heartbeat. Did you see that? I said WHEN. I'm practicing being more positive.
Meantime, I am going to call a therapist. I'd been on antidepressants for several months before finding out I was pregnant, at which point I immediately stopped, and I'm obviously feeling the effects now. It's funny, Wellbutrin is such a mellow drug that I hardly even knew I was taking it, but now that I'm off it I remember what a basket case I am when I'm unmedicated. Though I'm sure the hormones aren't helping matters. I also miss my Xanax. So I figure the next best thing is to talk to a shrink. I will be calling the therapist my OB referred me to tomorrow, before my appointment for a relaxing facial, courtesy of my awesome SIL L.
Okay that's it for now. Please keep your fingers crossed for 1. A live baby in my ute that stays alive for many, many years to come (though not in my ute that whole time), and 2. That regardless of the outcome I find a way to hold myself together for the foreseeable future.