Why can't I quit you?

I have a confession:  I've been on blogger every day this week.  (What do you mean you could already tell??)  I've read some posts, I've commented on some posts, I've clicked some links within some posts that took me to some other posts...  Even when work is busy, I itch for my fix and make time when I can to visit blogland.  I suppose it's time to admit I have a problem. 

Hi!  (Waves)  I'm Kit, and I'm a blogoholic.

Y'all are my drug, and I'm hooked.

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Well, it's that time of year again:  Halloween is nigh!  The day when little monsters dress up as angels and go door to door begging for freebies.  Actually in my neighborhood the little monsters don't dress up, nor do they bother begging - they just stick their grubby little hands in my bowl and dig out fistfuls of candy before I can even get the door all the way open.  I desperately wish I was exaggerating.  Hoping for a "Trick or treat" is almost as pointless as expecting a "thank you" before they run off to the next house.  So once again this year I'll be leaving my porch light off and curtains drawn tight on Sunday night.  Maybe I'll get Hubs tipsy enough to curl up on the couch with me and some popcorn and watch a scary movie.  (He's a manly man, but he doesn't like scary movies.  They scare me too, but I like to be scared once in a while!)

We're invited to a couple of parties on Saturday night, but we're facing a few dilemmas:

1. We may be hosting house guests for the weekend, starting tonight.  Yep, I said "may."  And to answer your question, yep, I'm annoyed that we still don't know for sure if they're coming.

2. We don't have costumes.  Hubs doesn't want to dress up, and I'm not going to a costume party without a costume.  So I told him it's up to him: either we go and dress up (and he has to help me with the costumes), or we don't go.  I'm not sure if he's decided what he wants to do yet.

3. Halloween also happens to be the 30th birthday of one of our potential guests, and he is as indecisive as Hubs about what he wants to do this weekend.

Jeez I sound like a crotchety old lady!  I'm not as crotchety as I sound though, I promise.  Whatever happens this weekend, I'm not that worried about it.

So.  Are you dressing up this year?  What are you going to be?

Happy Halloween! :)

More on "Barren"

I know I said I wouldn't be posting about IF for a bit, but I couldn't not tell you that last night I received a personal email from Monica Wiesblott, the artist from the Barren exhibit!  I'd left my email address and blog URL in the guestbook, and to my surprise she recognized me from ICLW and has actually been by here before.  (I have to admit, I was as excited as if I'd been recognized by a movie star!)  I'm so pleased to be able to follow Monica on her infertility blog now!

I'm also very pleased to tell you that the exhibit is online!  (Prepare for major trigs if you decide to check it out.)  I don't know how I missed that before, but now that I have the link I'm going to be spreading it around wherever I can.  It's such a powerful depiction of what it means to be infertile and to have suffered loss, and like I said in her guestbook, Monica is a very brave woman for baring her soul to the world in this way.

Thanks again to Monica!
Happy Hump Day :)

It's not you, it's me

I need some space.

I'm not ready for a serious commitment.

I have so many other things going on in my life right now, I feel like I can't give you the attention you deserve.

No, I'm not breaking up with you, my bloggity friends, I just need a little distance from TTC and IF for a little while.  To get off the emotional roller coaster, if you will.  The start of a new cycle seems like a good time to try to adjust my focus and hopefully get back to some kind of balance.  Hubs and I will still try this C, since I can't seem to avoid it, but hopefully without so much obsession.

So, I may not be around here much, or I may be around but posting about stuff other than TTC and IF.  And I may not be commenting much (not that I've been a stellar commenter lately anyway, sorry), but please know it's nothing personal. 

Well I mean, it is personal, but yeah.  It's me.  Not you.

Couldn't wait

I stopped on the way home for some FRERs, and as I was waiting in line I could feel AF picking up.  OF COURSE!  But I bought them anyway because, hell, I'm a glutton for punishment I guess!  Of course it was negative.

Maybe next month.

The Barren exhibit, and other stuff

Hello my friends :)

First, an update on my weekend activities:

My friend B and I went to the Barren exhibit on Saturday and it was very moving.  Most of the pieces were photographs of things like empty cribs, strollers, and lonely toys.  There were also some wintry scenes with bare trees and frost-covered ground.  A few were mixed media and a technique I'm not really familiar with (and I forgot the name) that looked like multiple photo exposures layered together, but with a sketchy quality.  Some of the pieces were quite graphic; apparently the artist experienced multiple early miscarriages, if that gives you an idea.  She also had a few written pieces posted here and there, talking about visiting a friend who had just given birth, thoughts that seemed to have been written when she was in some of her darkest places, and so on.  Those were the pieces that touched me the most. I guess maybe I have more of an appreciation for literary art than visual art.  There were many points where I was choking back the tears.  I don't really know what else to say about it.  I'm very glad I went, but I'm not sure I can say I enjoyed it, you know?  It definitely touched me, as I'm sure it would touch anyone who has dealt with infertility.

The rest of the day Saturday was much more lighthearted.  B and I tried to sell some clothes and accessories at Bu.ffa.lo E.xcha.nge, and discovered that we're not nearly cool enough for them.  Even my Be.tsey Jo.hnson dress was denied and that thing is CUTE (but a size 4, which I no longer am nor will I probably ever be again).  We each managed to unload a pair of shoes in exchange for store credit, so maybe I'll be able to pick up a new sweater or something.  After that we had lunch and made the rounds to all the local party stores to brainstorm decoration ideas for B's 1980's themed 30th birthday bash which is coming up in 2 weeks.  You know how I love throwing a party, so of course I offered to help her set everything up!

~Poss. triggs ahead~
As planned, Hubs and I spent Sunday afternoon/evening at my brother and SIL's to see baby J.  She is so damn cute and such a good baby.  I didn't want to put her down!

~TMI (and obsession) ahead~
I'm pretty sure either yesterday or today is CD1.  Although, what I'm experiencing right now reminds me of what I experienced right before I got my BFP.  Let me explain - last night (CD28) Hubs and I DTD since it was our last chance before AF's arrival.  Afterwards I had some pink bleeding, not a lot, but enough to figure AF was starting.  This morning there were just a few brown spots on my pad, and some beige-ish CM when I wiped.  Then nothing until noon when I went to the RR, and when I wiped had about the same amount of pink bleeding as I did last night, maybe a bit more, but only 1 little brown spot on my pad.  I do not normally spot before AF, and never have since I've been doing TCM. 

Sigh... I'm anxious, scared, and trying not to be hopeful... But I have to remember I have no control over this.  Chances are AF is just messing with me, maybe we knocked something loose DTD last night and that's why I'm all spotty.  If it doesn't pick up by tomorrow I will test in the morning.  Today I'm just going to try to keep breathing.

What a week!

I don't even know where to begin today, sorry if this post turns out disjointed.

This week has felt like torture, though in reality it wasn't all bad.  Mostly it's just felt ridiculously long, work has been incredibly busy, and I've been stressed to the max.  It seems like every time I turn around my boss is saying to me, "I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, but would you...?"  Uh, yeah - more like my plate is overflowing - I've been letting things go by the wayside, forgetting things, and generally being overwhelmed and dreading the workday, but sure!  Go right ahead and see how much more you can pile on me before my sanity gives out!  Ugh.  All I can say is, thank GOD for Xanax.


The worst part about this week was Wednesday night, when it became abundantly clear that I'm in need of professional therapy.  How I was feeling a couple weeks ago had nothing on the explosion of emotions going on inside me on Wednesday night.  It was not pretty, and I think I really scared Hubs.  He's pushing me to call a shrink.  I know he's right, but I'm having a hard time taking that step right now.

On Tuesday a series of thunderstorms passed our way, and in the morning knocked out power at work... Which in turn knocked out our servers, which caused a huge tizzy at the bank seeing as no one, not even locations that had power, could process transactions.  We thought we were going to have to go all disaster recovery mode, but luckily the power came back on after about half an hour.  What a relief!  The storms lasted all day, and on Tuesday evening Hubs and I watched the lightning from our backyard until it started raining... then POURING... and finally hailing.  The hail was crazy!  We rarely get such extreme weather, and when it does hail it's usually teeny tiny bits of ice.  This time it was chunks the size of quarters!

Anywho, I am more than ready for the weekend.  Shoot, I'm practically sobbing with relief knowing it's only a few hours away.  I finally have firm plans to go see the Barren photo exhibit tomorrow.  My friend B and I are going together and then having lunch afterwards since it's been way too flippin' long since the last time we saw each other.  I'm looking forward to it, and I can't wait to tell you all about it!  I'm also hoping to go with Hubs to check out this huge haunted house/maze thing nearby.  I haven't done that since I was a teenager and I'm feeling a little Halloween spirit this year I guess.  And Sunday we plan on visiting my new niecey-pie. Oh yeah, and my brothers and SIL and other niece too. ;)

I hope you've had a decent week! Do you have any fun plans for the weekend?

Still stuck

First of all, if you know Christina, or even if you don't, be sure to head over to her blog and offer your condolences on the loss of her mom, as well as the issues she is dealing with her dad right now.  I feel just awful for her, no one should have to go through all of that at once.

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I can't seem to get on top of my emotions lately.  I would have been more than happy to stay at home on Sunday instead of going to the housewarming party we'd planned to drop by, but Hubs forced me to go.  Even though I whined and pouted about it the whole time we were getting ready.  In the end, I'm glad he made me.  I spend an inordinate amount of time planted on the couch watching TV or mindlessly lurking on FB (or playing An.gry B.irds of course), and that is not good.  Hubs and I were a pretty social couple once upon a time, but now... well, suffice it to say there was more than one person at the party who noted that it had been a few months since they last saw us.  What am I supposed to say to that?  "I know, so sorry, ever since my embryo died a little piece of me died too.  And it was probably the piece that liked to party."

Anyway, the housewarming party was a good time in the end.  Even though there were kids and babies around (I even held my friend's 1 month old for the first time), I had fun.  I really need to do more of that.  It's just hard to drag myself out of my depression and go.  Luckily I have a "mean" husband to push me when I don't have the strength to do the pulling.

~Trigs Ahead~

After the party I got a photo text from my brother of my new niece, J!  I was so shocked, I had no idea my SIL had even gone into labor.  They were surprised too.  As it turns out, she was only in labor for 5 hours before the baby was born.  So we cruised over to the hospital to check her out.  Baby J is adorable with a little round face and dark hair, and weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz.

Which brings me to today.  Now, I stand by my declaration that I'm not jealous of my brother and SIL about the baby.  I am very happy for them.  But the combination of rainy-day Monday and just knowing this C is another bust made me really sad for myself.  My mood followed me around until an hour or so after my acupuncture appointment, and thankfully it's pretty much dissipated now.  (Really, it's amazing what acu does for my mood, it's a good thing my appointments are usually on Mondays.)  Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm feeling very STUCK right now.  I know, it's nothing new.  And I keep going back and forth between wanting to move on and wanting to hide in my cave.  It is very frustrating.

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And finally, I completely forgot until I read Busted Kate's blogiversary post that it was my blogiversary this month too!  October 8th marked two years since I started this here blog.  I apologize that my posts aren't nearly as entertaining as BK's, but I do want to say a huge thank you to all the amazing, wonderful people I've met since that fateful day.  Thanks for reading me, thanks for being there for me through the good times and the bad, and thanks for helping make this awful journey a little more bearable. You (yes you!) are the best!

Just a quick update

I don't wanna work.

I just want to bang on my drum all day.

Actually, I don't really have much rhythm or coordination, so it's probably better if I stick with what I know and avoid the drums.

There's not much going on with me this week.  Today is CD 19 and I'm not particularly hopeful/delusional about this C.  We only DTD like 3 times around O, and guess what?  I don't care!!

This weekend is art walk weekend.  They do it twice a year downtown and I've never gone.  So Hubs and I decided to make it a date tomorrow night after he gets home from work.  Who knows, maybe we'll end the evening with some drinks and fun at home...  ;)  ;)

Speaking of art, I still haven't made it over to that Barren exhibit.  I'm going to try to see it tomorrow with a friend, but if that doesn't work out - next weekend for sure!  The exhibit's over on the 23rd and I'll kick myself if I miss it!

~Poss Trigs Ahead~

My SIL is due to deliver daughter #2 on Monday.  Believe it or not, I am not (at this point anyway) sad in the least about it.  On the contrary, I'm excited to meet my SIXTH niece!  She and I are going to share the same middle name, which is also my paternal grandmother's name. :)

Well my friends, I wrote my post.  That means I can go home now, right?  Pretty please...??  No?  Shoot.  Guess I'll be here for another 4 hours... Happy Friday!

The Infertile's guide to surviving a kids' birthday party

I found a way to help me get through children's birthday parties - bring along a tyke!  There are many benefits to borrowing a toddler for child-centered festivities:

1. You have someone to entertain and focus your attention on the whole time you're there.  (You know, besides the other 10,000 kids swarming around you reminding you of your barrenness.)

2. Although you may not be able to jump into parenting discussions, you at least appear at first glace to be a parent, so no one asks if you have kids.  And if anyone does start asking questions, you can pretend to be that overly-cautious mom and run off after your charge like she's getting into mischief.

3. Eventually the kid's parents will want her back, so you can leave whenever you want as long as you say, "I really hate to leave early, but her parents are expecting her home at __ o'clock."

4. Oh yeah, and the kid has fun too!

In case you hadn't guessed, Hubs and I brought our niece H (my brother's 2 year old) to our nieces V and J's (Hubs's brother's kids) birthday party on Saturday.  And truly, it made things so much easier!  I didn't have time to be sad, there were a ton of kids for H to play with and she had a great time, and an hour was the perfect amount of time to stick around - for both of us!  Why didn't I think of this sooner?

It was a pretty decent weekend all around.  And I topped it off by getting my highest score yet bowling last night!  (145, my average starting off in this league was 105.)  Now if today would get with the program and start easing up I'd have it made.  Nothing like coming back to work after a three-day weekend and getting slammed!

Better now

I can't thank you enough for your wonderful comments on Wednesday.  This week has been really rough on me, and even though I know I can always count on you all for emotional support, I'm still amazed by your compassion.  Thank you.

I started feeling better yesterday and today I'm in a pretty decent mood.  On Tuesday night I had a big meltdown.  It was ugly and awful and it carried into Wednesday, which was lots of fun to deal with at work.  But I think it was necessary, like I was overflowing and these feelings just had to come out.  And now my emotions are thankfully back to a more manageable level.

I've been wanting to share something with you - I decided to have a ring made to remember my lost little peanut.  My good friend T makes amazing jewelry so we're working together on a design.  I know many people use angels or butterflies or forget-me-nots, but those symbols didn't really appeal to me for a ring, and I couldn't think of any other symbols for loss or remembrance.  So I googled.  One image that kept coming up in my searches was the poppy, for Armistice Day.  A red poppy traditionally symbolizes the bloodshed of WWI, but poppies in general have been used as a symbol of eternal repose as far back as ancient Greece and Egypt.

So I came up with a simple, vaguely abstract design for a semi-closed poppy as a copper embellishment on a silver band.  I also want to incorporate a pear or teardrop-shaped ruby for two reasons: 1. I lost my baby in July and that's the birthstone for July (also my birthstone), and 2. It's similar in color and shape to a pomegranate seed, for infertility.  I know it's probably hard to imagine how it's going to look, but it's pretty, I promise.  T is excited to get started on it, so hopefully it won't be too long before I have it and can show you.  I can't wait to have a tangible reminder of my peanut.

The bank is closed on Monday for Columbus Day, so I have a three-day weekend ahead of me.  Tonight we're making pizza with my brother and SIL, tomorrow is T's birthday party, as well as a party for our two nieces on Hubs's side of the family.  And at some point I would really like to go to that "Barren" photo exhibit I was talking about the other day too.  So, busy, but not too crazy.  Oh yeah, and I'm getting ready to O, so there's also that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. :)

Observing myself...as I spiral downward

People often tell me, and I often comment on it myself, that I'm not very observant.  It's true.  For example: I've worked in this city for over two years and until last week I had no idea there was a Ba.skin Ro.bins in the shopping center where I buy lunch almost every day.  This from the girl who lives for ice cream.  You might say I'm a little stuck in my own world, but I like to think of it as "introspective."  It sounds nicer.

The problem with being introspective, at least in my case, is that I sometimes analyze my thoughts and feelings to death, or to the point that I break them down so far they no longer mean anything to me.  Does that make any sense?  Well, my point is, I haven't been very observant of my feelings since the miscarriage.  I've been analyzing them, trying to figure out how to get past them and get back to "normal".  How to still be a good wife, a good sister, aunt, daughter, friend.  Because certainly I can't be much good at anything if I'm in the depths of depression.

But feelings have a way of catching up with you no matter how analytical you are, don't they? This week my feelings are catching up to me.  And I feel thoroughly helpless, and I hate it.

I don't just hate feeling helpless and miserable, I hate all of this - TTC, infertility, loss, the unfairness of it, the sadness, the jealousy.  I don't want to keep trying, and as monstrous as it sounds I want to forget all about the fact that I was ever pregnant.  I don't want to hope every month that I could be pregnant, and then feel that all-too-familiar despair when I discover, for the umpteenth time, I'm not.  And I don't want to see two lines again and then make myself sick worrying for weeks whether history will repeat itself. 

I want this part of my life to be over, and then I want to forget the last few years ever happened.  How else is the pain going to end?  If I get pregnant and carry to term and give birth to a healthy baby - possibly. In the meantime, it hurts so damn much to hope for that.

I don't know what to do anymore.  Saying this fucking sucks is the biggest understatement I can think of.

I know just how he feels.