It's over

Still no heartbeat, the sac is breaking down and moving down in the uterus. I'm miscarrying as I type this. The doc gave me a prescription for something (can't remember the name) to speed up the process and it should be over by tomorrow.

This sucks in ways I can't even describe.

Losing hope

I'm back at home for a few minutes today because I have another u/s and doctor's appt today. Oy... Okay let me back up.

Hubs and I made the hour drive back home on Monday for my u/s appointment. I was still spotting, but it was still relatively light in flow and color so I wasn't too concerned. Until they couldn't find a heartbeat. The u/s guy (not in my doc's office) offered to send the images to my doc right away so I could talk to him that evening about it, and both he and the doc said it may have just been too early to see a hb. Everything else looked fine - sac and yolk sac in the right places. Doc told me to monitor the spotting and call if it picked up, and scheduled another u/s for next Monday. After the u/s I was a hot mess, the bleeding actually picked up right away and so did the cramps. Hubs and I went to my parents house and my mom tried to comfort me with stories of how my grandma bled and bled with all 10 of her pregnancies. It helped a little, and I've been religiously following my mom's advice to keep my feet up. This has made vacation at the beach extremely boring in addition to extremely nerve-wracking.

So over the past few days the bleeding has increased, as have the cramps. I'm on day 8 of bleeding today, and today also marks 8 weeks of pregnancy. Mostly the blood looks old and brown, sometimes blackish. Today it looks more red. I've been having to take Tylenol for the cramps. So I called the doc's office again this morning to let them know it's picking up, and they scheduled another u/s for today, followed by an appt with the doc. Hubs and I made the drive back home again and at least I got to take a HOT shower instead of the crappy somewhat warm ones I've been getting at the campgrounds. But I'm not really looking forward to this appointment. I don't have much hope of hearing a heartbeat, seeing as it's only been three days, but maybe the doc will have some answers or advice... I don't know. I am running out of hope. I've been crying for days and I'm completely on-edge.

I'm not sure I'll be able to post an update before Sunday, but I wanted to let you all know how things were going. Or not going. Anyway, gotta run to my appt now.

Still spotting

Well, the spotting is actually picking up now. There's enough to where I need a liner, and it's still brown, but darker than it was. Freaking out a bit here, and I have people coming over for a birthday shindig in about an hour and a half. Ugh. Prayers please?

Appointment update

Sorry this is so late in coming! After my appt, hubs and I ran some errands then came home and vegged out. I never was very good at completing my assignments on time!

Anyway, everything appears to be fine. First off, although I did pee in a cup, the doc - or rather, nurse midwife - didn't do a pee test. Apparently the four I've already taken (the most recent one being last week) sufficed. She did order a bunch of bloodwork, which I had taken this afternoon. I told her about the spotting/dark discharge from the other day and she wasn't concerned about it at all. She said it could very well have been irritation from DTD, and started talking about how some women bleed even more, like their bodies "forget" they're not suppose to have periods or something. But anyway, sounds like it was nothing to worry about.

She also did a pap, and now I have slightly more spotting; only when I wipe and it's still light brown in color, but enough to freak a person out. And of course I didn't notice the spotting until their office was already closed, so I'm planning on calling in the morning just to make sure there's nothing to worry about. I talked to my mom and she was ticked they even did a pap, and was convinced that's why I'm spotting now. She also doesn't think I should get an internal ultrasound for the same reason, but I scheduled one for Monday anyway. I guess I'll ask tomorrow whether that can cause more spotting, just so I'm prepared.

So that's about it. I think I might shop around for another doctor. I like all of the doctors at this office well enough, but it's a tad impersonal and rushed. My SIL loves her OB and said they have an ultrasound machine in the office, so I'm going to see if they take my insurance there and maybe switch. We'll see.

And now I'm going to continue vegging out. I hope you all had a wonderful Thursday! Today's my last day of my twenties!!! OMG! Someone have a drink for me! ;)

Nervous (TMI ALERT!)

Here's some more useless information to take up space in the preview panel: Sputnik was launched the same day Leave it to Beaver debuted. Taft was the last US President with facial hair. A group of owls is called a "parliament." The abbreviation for pound (lb.) comes from the Latin "libra pondo," meaning weight or balance, which is also where the constellation Libra gets its name. "Beelzebub" is Hebrew for "Lord of the Flies;" I knew that book was from the devil!

There, that should be good.

Thanks for the well-wishes and helping to calm my worries yesterday, ladies! I spoke with my mom last night and her pregnancy signs (four times) were very similar to mine, so I am feeling better about that :)

Now here's where the TMI begins...

Unfortunately, I really freaked right after my last post, when I went to the RR and saw some light brown discharge. Ughhh... There was a glob of it when I wiped, which was the most there's been up to this point; since then it's been normal CM volume. The light in the work bathroom is really dim though, so while it appeared light brown in there (and may well have been since that was the most I saw at once), when I checked at home it looked like a weird sort of light-yellowish-khaki. So I can't tell if it's just a weird color and a bit darker than usual, or if there's actually blood in there. No funky smell or itching or anything like that (and if anyone is an expert on vag infections it's me!), and what's on my undies looks more pale yellow than anything else. Hubs and I DTD on Sunday night, so if it is blood, I'm wondering if/hoping that just irritated my cervix a little or something.

When I called my mom, her best friend who is a labor and delivery nurse happened to be there so I talked to her too (talk about having no shame! I figure I might as well get used to it, huh?). She didn't seem to think it was nothing, but said to take it easy and no sex until I know everything's okay. My doctor's appointment tomorrow can't come soon enough!! Dr. Google is only freaking me out more, so I am going to try to just monitor the situation and wait it out today. Who knows, maybe this will be cause for them to do an u/s after all? I will definitely let you know how it goes!

Staying sane... for the most part

Well hello there my fair friends in blogland! I am attempting to fill up space with nonsense so if you're having one of those days you don't have to read any of my post. Did you know that your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself? Also, did you know that Twinkie inventor Jimmy Dewey ate 40,177 Twinkies during his lifetime? I have no idea if these are true statements, but I think both are pretty gross.

Here's a picture just for kicks:


Okay I think I'm safe now. On with the post.

It's really hard not to be paranoid when you're pregnant but you don't feel pregnant! Yes, I'm still feeling good, too good. I keep telling myself, "It's still early," but I can't help but worry a little. Okay sometimes a lot. But mostly just a little, I'm trying to keep the anxiety under control.

I went to acupuncture today and told the doc I was trying not to stress about the fact that I don't have many symptoms (I hate using that word, it's not like I'm sick!). He told me it's okay, some women just don't have a lot of signs. What I do have: 1) An almost unquenchable thirst. I wake up with a dry mouth and have to drink water all day long or I feel dehydrated. 2) I get really tired in the early afternoon almost every day. I'm fine at night, but right around 1:30 I could fall asleep on my desk. Or in the car. Or while walking to the bathroom. 3) Crazy mood swings. I am a total bitch. And then I tear up when I hear "Proud to be an American" on the radio. 4) Boobie soreness that comes and goes, bigger/firmer bbs, and I think my nips are starting to get darker. The veins are slightly more noticeable, but not too bad. 5) Occasional mild cramps. They've mellowed out quite a bit since the first week after my BFP, but they still make an appearance here and there. Over the weekend I felt very slightly nauseated a couple of times when I got hungry, which was exciting, and I'm also starting to have trouble eating nuts, my easy protein snack of choice. (Am I the only one who thinks that sounds dirty? Heheheh... I'm so mature.)

Hopefully my OB appt on Thursday will ease my mind a little. I'm starting to think they won't do an ultrasound for the heartbeat at this one though, damned HMO! I asked a lady who goes to the same doc and has the same insurance as I do, and she doesn't think she had an u/s until 12 or 13 weeks (I put an inquiry in with the ins co too to be sure). So if they don't I'm just going to ask if they can order me one and I'll pay out of pocket. It's a small price to pay for peace of mind!

That's about it for me. Tomorrow's my last day of work before VACATION!!! I'm so excited I could pee my pants! Either that or it's time to relieve myself of the most recent three glasses of water I downed. Probably a combo of both.

I made it!

Well I made it through A's bachelorette extravaganza! It actually wasn't too bad, I mean as far as being tired. It seemed to all hit me yesterday and I took a two hour nap shortly after getting home. Mmm... I could go for a nap right now too!

We stayed out late both nights, and yeah I was tired, but not falling over from exhaustion or anything. It was actually sort of interesting to be sober at the clubs and bars, and it was fun to people-watch. There was plenty of creeper-dodging going on too! A guy even approached me and tried to get me to dance with him, but luckily I am a master at deterring men. He was a bit creepy himself - it had to be close to 100 degrees inside the club and he was wearing a scarf, which was the first red flag. I sort of accidentally brushed him off me and onto another girl in our group, and I guess he was saying all kinds of crazy things to her like, "I love to love, do you like to love? Who do you like to love?" Freakin' weirdo. The second night we went to a more mellow bar (the first night was a too-cool-for-school type of club) with a lot more normal people, and that was more our style!

I did end up telling A my news over the weekend, and I'm glad I did. She was so happy and excited that she started crying, and every time we had a moment alone she'd ask questions and tell me how excited she was for me. It was nice. :) I think I'll tell my three other close friends sometime after my appointment on Thursday, but before my little birthday shindig on Saturday. I purposely only invited family and my four closest friends so that we wouldn't have to worry about keeping it a secret.

So all in all it was a good weekend. Except on Sunday I managed to throw out my back by hugging someone. Seriously?? How does that even happen?? Luckily I was able to get into my chiro on a walk-in this morning so hopefully I will be pain-free by the weekend. I start my vacation this Thursday and I absolutely cannot wait! Hubs has Thursday off so he can come along to my OB appt and then hopefully spend the day celebrating with me. And Friday I turn 30. Well, whatever! Nerdy Thirty, here I come!

Ear cancer and bar naps

I prefer not to be subjected to the vocal stylings of one Ms. Tina Turner. I know she's the Queen of Rock or whatever and most everyone loves her. But her voice sounds like sandpaper to me. Not pretty!

Every Friday morning the Hag blasts music from one of her more obscure albums (okay, I don't know if it's actually obscure, but I'd never heard any of these songs until I started working here) in an effort to spread her pre-weekend cheer. Well, almost every Friday. When her office is silent you know she's in a mood, and when she's in a mood she usually finds something to hassle me about. So as much as I can't stand Tina Turner, life is always better around the office on those Fridays when she's spewing her raspy lyrics than not!

So today I'm grateful for the ear cancer I've just been given, and giving an extra high-five to the corporate gods that the Hag is in jeans, which means she will likely be spending much of the day at another location! Fingers crossed! All in all, today's shaping up to be a decent day.

Bonus! I'm leaving work early to meet the girls and carpool down to L.A. for A's bachelorette weekend extravaganza! I am very nearly finished packing and I only have to pick up a couple things on my way home (procrastination is my middle name). I'm looking forward to spending most of the day tomorrow relaxing on the beach and soaking up some sun, and will somehow get through tonight's and tomorrow night's debauchery without falling asleep on the bar. I hope.

Maybe I'll luck out and one of the girls will be a lightweight and have to be taken back to the hotel early :)

On my name

Having an unusual name hasn't always been a blessing. In fact, I'm sure you can imagine the kinds of taunts I was on the losing end of as a kid - "Here, kitty kitty kitty," "Kitty Litter," (oh, and it didn't help that my last name began with an L, that one was practically presented on a silver platter) and most imaginative, "Meow Mix," for a start.

As if it wasn't enough to have a name so easily made fun of, my name's pretty complicated to explain, too. It probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that my first name isn't Kitty. But to learn that it's actually Mary might catch you off guard. Question: How do you get Kitty from Mary? Answer: you don't. You get it from my middle name, Katherine. But I was always "Kitty" from birth, never Mary, so explanation was (and is) often necessary.

Nowadays I don't give too much thought to my moniker. It doesn't strike me as unusual, it's a part of me, sort of like my hair or my hands, as I imagine most people's names are to them. Of course, it does still give me a certain amount of grief. For example: Trying to get my doctors to call me Kitty instead of Mary; or having the girl at the coffee shop write down KATIE, no matter how clearly I enunciate; or better yet, mail coming to KATTY, what is up with that one?

Every now and then, though, I hear my name with fresh ears, and I think, "Hey, that's a pretty cool name!" If you didn't guess, I just had one of thost moments today. So I'd like to send props out to my parents for having the chutzpah to call me something out of the ordinary. It hasn't always been fun, but it's always made me feel like an original.

Look who else is turning 30!

That's right, every girl's favorite strawberry-scented friend is turning 30 this year!! I had no idea until today. Some of my earliest memories include my Strawberry Shortcake doll, and I still remember how she smelled.

So I've decided that in her honor, my Nerdy Thirty will be Strawberry Shortcake-themed. Whether that includes S.S. paper plates and napkins remains to be determined, but at the very least I am totally going to be serving strawberry shortcake.

Happy Birthday, my fellow tricenarian!!

Weekend and weather and such

Ah, Monday. You certainly know how to swoop in and kill off a weekend, don't you? Oh well. This is the last full week I'm working before my vacation, so I shouldn't complain. Starting next Thursday I will be away from work for two whole weeks! One week of that will be camping at the beach, and then I have 5 additional days where I have no idea what I'll be doing. I really should figure something out because otherwise I'll be bored out of my mind.

We're still fighting the clouds here in "sunny" southern CA. The sun peaked out a little yesterday afternoon, but it was already 3:00 by then. I tell you this weather is KILLING ME. It's the most dreary, chilly, awful July I can remember and it doesn't look like it'll get much better anytime soon. The sun's supposed to come out later this week, but the temperatures aren't going to be rising a whole lot. I like it in the upper 70's, but we'll be lucky to break 70 degrees more than once in the next 10 days. What the hell kind of summer is this??? I need warmth and vitamin D to survive! I need shorts and flip flops! I'm tired of sweaters and jeans!

Whew. So anyway, other than the mood swings (haha) I'm still feeling pretty peachy. No nausea, no peeing every 10 minutes, and the fatigue isn't even that bad. Boobs are still sore though. I keep asking hubs, "Are you sure I'm pregnant??" whenever he cracks open a beer - or worse, drinks our good wine! - and I can't have any. But it is still really early. I seem to always forget just how early it is, I'm so impatient and the days seem to go by sooo slowly. I just want to feel like it's for real, and I don't yet.

On with the day! My boss is on vacation this week and next, which, as much as I like the guy, always lightens the atmosphere a little bit. Hopefully that will make for an easy transition into vacation time for me, too. :)

Weekend-eve

Ahh, Friday! How I love you! And how I'd love you even more if I could fast-forward to 4:30, but I'll take what I can get.

This weekend is going to be my last lazy weekend at home for a while, and I am going to revel in it. Tomorrow morning I'm getting my hair cut, and if the sun finally decides to come out I want to lay out for a while in the afternoon. Hubs and I may be going to the movies on Sunday, we are overdue for a date! He offered to take me to see E.clip.se if there's a matinee; I think he secretly likes those Twi.light movies. I'm by no means a "Twi-hard" but I read the books and they were entertaining enough. Feel free to make fun of me!

So here's a preview of what I'll be doing until the end of August:

-Next weekend: Spending the weekend at an L.A. beach for my friend A's bachelorette. No, I am not ready to make any announcements, so tell me this excuse isn't brilliant: I'm not drinking because my acupuncturist forbade it with the herbs I'm currently taking. Good one, right? I just hope I don't blow my cover by puking and/or falling asleep at 8:00 every night! (Or by blabbing. Not only am I terrible at keeping secrets, I am a horrible liar.)

-The following weekend: My 30th birthday!! We're just having family and a few close friends over for pizza and cake in the backyard. I'll tell my close buds by then, assuming all goes well at my OB appt that week. The next day we're leaving for our week-long camping trip to the beach!

-The week after we get back from camping is my friend T's bachelorette party. They will be going go-kart racing. I will most likely be on photography duty and chowing down on pizza. And probably being someone's DD.

-The next week is T's wedding.

-Two weeks after that is A's wedding.

The only thing I'm concerned about is the bachelorette party next weekend, since I'll be away from hubs for 2 nights. Not that I think anything will happen... I don't know. I guess I would just rather be at home until I feel more comfortable and secure about things.

For now, I'm just going to look forward to vegging out for the next two days! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend :)

Cruisin'

I've been really lazy this week, and it's not just because I'm "in a family way." Well, it is, but I'm totally milking it. What?? This could be the only time I ever have being pregnant! Hubs has been really nice, even though he knows I'm taking advantage. But it does get boring sitting on my butt all evening after I get home. Last night I did a little Wii Fit (don't worry, I took it easy) before becoming a couch potato, which was a nice change. I haven't been cooking either, so while my diet isn't nearly as bad as it used to be there's definitely room for improvement. It's taking a toll on my intestines too, which is only fun if hubs is laying on my side of the bed and I want him to move. Heh heh. I'm so gross.

So today marks the beginning of week 6; I've officially logged 5 full weeks of pregnancy. Apparently our little offspring is the size of a sesame seed and will soon have eyes and some other stuff. I forget what, but luckily there are tons of websites around to remind me. I feel pretty much fine, except for my ridiculously sore boobs. And I wouldn't say I'm exhausted, but I am more tired than usual, especially when I get up in the morning (today I slept through two snoozes, which I never do). So yep, I'm just cruising along so far.

I'm still trying not to worry about every little change that goes on with my body, or fret over what might happen, or what the chances are that something might happen. That said though, yes, I have asked Dr. Google about everything. At least I'm training myself to stop searching once I find an answer that puts my mind at ease! The manual (What to Expect) helps too. I thought about asking the gyno for a beta, but I doubt they'd even do it. It's not exactly a hold-your-hand-every-step-of-the-way kind of practice. So I think I'll just wait it out. My acupuncturist made me feel better on Tuesday though, he said the spotting I had before testing was probably the corpus luteum and wasn't worried about it. And he has me on some herbs that are supposed to help the little sucker stick and grow appropriately. I'll keep seeing him through the first trimester, and I get to go once more before my gyno visit, so that should help keep me calm in the meantime.

Back to work I go! It's almost Friday, ladies!! I hope you're having a great week :)

I could go on and on

Sorry I was MIA for the rest of the weekend, I felt bad posting when I haven't been commenting on your blogs much! I think/hope I'll have some down time at work so I can read through them today.

The news hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I am feeling cautiously optimistic, and trying hard not to worry about everything that could happen. The spotting/whatever stopped completely by Saturday night, and now I just have the very sore boobs, fatigue, mild occasional cramping, and let's not forget the gas. I took two more HPTs yesterday - another FRER so I could compare (yesterday's was noticeably darker than Saturday's), and an internet cheapie for kicks (it was definitely positive, but not nearly as dark as the control line, which I am trying very hard not to read into). I also took an OPK just because I'd heard they turn positive too, and boy did it, it was SUPER dark!

I just got off the phone with they gyno, and according to the receptionist they like to see patients between 6 and 8 weeks, so my appt is the 22nd - at exactly 7 weeks (the day before my birthday). Sigh, the perils of not seeing a specialist... I hope I can last that long! It's going to be a loooong 2.5 weeks.

Hubs and I decided to tell our immediate families, since they already know about everything we've been through up until now anyway, and also since I have a big mouth (told ya). I figure if anything were to go wrong I don't want to have to keep it a secret, and I know we will have their support in that case as well. Our parents were all very excited, cautiously so of course, and our siblings were really happy for us too. My SIL D gave me a bag full of baby books when she stopped crying, and my brothers and SIL L had us over for lunch and cake yesterday to celebrate.

Other than that little bombshell, it was a pretty mellow weekend. As planned we went to two barbecues for the 4th, and then watched a professional fireworks display for free from my BIL and SIL's very conveniently located backyard. I spent most of the rest of the weekend with my butt on the couch, reading or watching TV. Oh, we also watched Hot Tub Time Machine, which was incredibly silly but pretty funny.

I'll stop here before I write an entire novel and bore you to sleep. Thank you all so much for your good wishes!! You're all wonderful and I very, very much appreciate your support. And I will continue to return the favor to the best of my ability :)

It's 6 a.m.

I can't think of a good, interesting way to tell you all so I guess I will just say it: It was positive.

The damn cat woke me up early so I tested at like 5:45 and bolted back to bed before I could see anything, good or bad. Hubs was awake too, so we chatted nervously for a few minutes, then I grew a pair and marched myself back into the bathroom and looked right at the test. And screamed. (Sorry neighbors!) Hubs came running and I dissolved into tears and held out the test for him to see the very clear test line, almost as dark as the control line. We hugged and I cried and shook uncontrollably until he got all protective and told me I needed to calm down. His eyes and smile were both so big.

It doesn't feel real at all and I am still shaking. I honestly thought I'd never get to see two lines. And I want to tell you that if it wasn't for you wonderful ladies I probably would have lost hope a long time ago. I love you all :)

(Note to my wonderful friends and family members who read this blog, I'm sure it goes without saying, but please keep this news under wraps until Aaron and I are ready to announce. Thanks!)

Teeny tiny update

No real news yet, but since I can't stop thinking about it I'll share with you that the spotting is definitely much lighter in both color and volume today than yesterday. (I wore a pad all day today and didn't need one at all.) Got a sweet deal on a 2 pack of FRERs, so we'll see if I can hold out until morning. Sorry to those voting I test NOW, but if it turned out negative I'd kick myself for not using FMU! I am the anti-tester, you know!

And let's hope I can test tomorrow, something crazy is going on with my toilet!! It's making some weird and frankly kind of scary noises whenever I flush. As if that would stop me though, I'd go pee in the bushes to test if I had to!

Fingers (and legs and toes and eyes and whatever else possible) crossed that the witch stays away... That's all I'm daring to hope for right now.

Now what??

My sincerest apologies for the sheer volume of TMI and visuals that are coming up. If you're feeling squeamish, it might be best to turn back now.

AF is toying with me and I don't know what's going on. Yesterday I started, or I think I did. The blood all looked old (kinda sticky dark brown/black in the pad, light brown when I wiped), and there wasn't much at all (enough to use only one pad for the whole day, and I probably could have gotten away with a liner). I thought for sure it would hit full force overnight, as CD2 is always heavy, but when I got up, to my surprise my pad was pure white as the driven snow. Today I have what I'd describe as somewhat/considerably more CM than usual, and it's brownish pink (very light when I wipe, and yeah, I reached on up in there and it's slightly darker when I "scoop" it out).

So of course I'm thinking two things: 1. Maybe I'm knocked up! :) and 2. Maybe the herbs my acu gave me this month jacked me up! :(

Other stuff going on: I'm somewhat crampy and my boobs hurt pretty bad. Oh and I have a little headache. If AF hasn't "officially" started, today would be CD30, 15DPO.

I'll test with FMU in the morning if my flow hasn't picked up considerably by then. I'll let you know how it goes. And I'm sure if anything changes today I'll be back here going on and on about it.

If AF is only messing with me I just might spend my three day weekend crying! Or shunning my diet and drinking heavily. Or both.

CD1 (Yes, there will be swearing)

This is why I don't test. Testing costs money, and why spend money when AF is never more than a few days behind schedule? I'll take my heartache for free, thanks. What's even more fucking special is this means I'll probably be on my period the entire week we're camping at the beach at the end of the month. THANKS. Thanks a lot for adding insult to injury, AF, you horrible bitch.

Okay. No more swearing now, I just had to get that out of my system.

I had a visit to the gyno this morning for my referral to the RE. He went over all my IF test and lap results, and from what he said (and I'll confirm more with the RE when I go), it sounds like my endo was somehwat more serious than how the first doctor (the one who performed my surgery) made it sound. I was under the impression there were only a few little spots, but actually there were several.

I'm still undecided about treatments. IUI isn't really known to be real effective particularly for women with endo. Not to mention some drugs can aggravate it. I'm starting to feel more open to IVF, but I am still very torn. I don't like the idea of freezing embryos because I believe life begins at conception. I've decided to hold off on talking to my parents until after my consultation with the RE. That way I'll have as much information as possible to share with them, including (hopefully) the doctor's recommendations. My gyno has promised to submit the referral request ASAP, so hopefully I'll be able to get in fairly quickly.

In other news, we lost a member of our department today to some layoffs. She actually took it really well as she has a baby and wanted to find work closer to home anyway. I hope it works out for her, but of course it still sucks big time. No one is safe, and with this being the third round of layoffs we've had here in the two years I've been around, people are even more on edge. It's a good thing this weekend is a three-dayer, we're all going to need it.

I haven't weighed in for the w/l challenge, sorry! My only scale is the Wii Fit and frankly I was too tired and lazy last night to turn it on. Tonight though, as soon as I get home. I can make that promise because dinner is already in the crock pot - veggie chili, yummy - so I have no excuse.

Let's hope this day starts getting better. Judging by the cramps though, I'm not holding out much hope.