This is my life

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...

Someone please make the bleeding stop!

The weekend was a nice break, which I appreciated very much (thank you, Mother Nature!), but since yesterday morning it's been worse than it was all last week. Almost like a regular period - cramps, heavier bleeding, feeling light-headed, etc. I did call the doctor this morning and they say this is "normal."

It doesn't seem "normal" to me.

Granted, I'm not going through pads at an alarming rate, and I haven't needed to take anything for the cramps, but SERIOUSLY? How can there even be this much blood in there??

Oy.

In other news... eh, there isn't any. I should probably eat lunch. Maybe that would help with the light-headedness, huh? (And maybe the moodiness too!)

Bullet-point weekend recap

Monday again??? Didn't we have one of these last week?

I'm tired today. So I apologize for not providing the luscious details of my friend A's wedding that I just know you're all craving. I also know I owe you some pics of T's wedding two weeks ago. I'll get around to that one day...

So a quick rundown of my very busy three day weekend:

Thursday night: Hubs's birthday, sushi with friends, good times had by all!

Friday: Wedding prep, I did the bride's hair (fabulous!), small ceremony on the beach followed by an intimate dinner at the groom's mother's house, gorgeous!

Saturday: The big reception! Held at a park, super casual but still beautiful, everyone was invited, games, water balloons, jolly jump, yummy food, fun stuff.

Sunday: French toast fit for the gods (or just me and hubs), trips to Be.st B.uy and Tar.get, attended BBQ for BIL's birthday.

Notable stuff:

I'm opening up about the miscarriage IRL. Most of our friends now know. It doesn't make it any less painful, but it's easier not to have to hide it. Everyone has been very supportive and kind about it. P.S. I stopped bleeding... for a couple of days. It started again this morning.

Our new fancy-schmancy phones might be in sooner than we thought! Be.st B.uy gets a handful of them a few times a month; I'd LOOOVE to have them by the time we go on our weekend getaway.

Hubs also wants to buy a new TV. Or rather, two new TVs, because "if we're getting a flat-screen for the living room we might as well get one for the bedroom too!" I told him let's see where we're at after we pay for the new phones. Good gravy, he's taking this retail therapy thing a bit far!

Back to work!

Spendin' that money

Did I mention retail therapy is doing me good?

Hubs and I never spend money on ourselves. Once we bought our house and got down to business on TTC, we focused on paying off debt so that when we had our baby we'd be in a more comfortable financial position. Well, he and I must be on the same page lately because we both sort of figure, screw it - We need new clothes! Our cell phones are old as dirt! Vacation sucked and we need a getaway!

So we bought a few new clothes for each of us, hubs is getting us on the list for the next shipment (whenever that may be) of H.TC E.VO 4G's on his lunch break today, and we're taking a couple days off work for a long weekend away next month.

And you know what? I don't feel guilty about it. Not that we're going overboard or anything. All of the clothes we've bought have been on sale, hubs researched smart phones to figure out which (of the cool ones) would cause the least impact to our pocketbook, and we opted to go back up north to wine country for our getaway instead of blowing money gambling in Las Vegas. See? Even when we splurge we're pretty practical.

It feels really good to splurge. :)

Going to need a transfusion

Seriously, how is it possible to bleed for three and a half weeks and not die?

I was so excited that I only had some light spotting on Friday and Saturday after my D&C. I thought, surely the god of all reproductive organs has taken pity on me and decided to relieve me of my suffering.

Hahaha!!! Right! Turns out the god of all reproductive organs is a huge tease because the blood is a-flowin' once more. No, I don't really need a transfusion, it's not that heavy, but it does suck! I used to have a sex life! I didn't used to need to buy stock in non-chlorine-bleached pads! I used to be able to go to bed sans undies!

Lord love a duck. :P

Following up

The D&C went off without a hitch. I felt pretty woozy all day yesterday, but no real pain, thankfully. Amazingly I haven't seen much blood today. Maybe 3 weeks of bleeding was enough? I hope so. Other than that I feel pretty much fine. A little tired, but no pain at all.

Today is my niece H's 2nd birthday party. Last year, at her 1st bday, I had a little meltdown. Hubs wasn't there with me, and today he's at work again, so as you can imagine I'm not really all that excited about going. Plus my SIL is going on 8 months pg which may be a bit tough to take today. The party started an hour and a half ago and I'm still not completely dressed, nor have I yet purchased a gift. You see how this is going already.

My brother told me today he thinks I'm strong. Hubs has said that too. I don't feel strong at all, I pretty much feel like a wreck most of the time; I'm just going through the motions, doing what I have to do. I am definitely depressed. Still not sure what comes next, not that I have to be right now, I just have this feeling lately like I want to run far away from everything. Wish I could.

Closing the book

I will be getting the D&C tomorrow morning at 11:00. The same amount of tissue that showed up on the u/s last week was still there this week, so it's time to get it out.

On the one hand I am relieved. Very relieved. My body can finally start going back to normal and I won't have this reminder anymore. I can hopefully start moving forward. I've never wanted a regular C ending with a regular visit from AF so much in my life. On the other hand, and this is going to sound really stupid, but - I know my pregnancy has been over for weeks now, but this is so official. I'm just a little emotional I guess.

Anyway, that's it. Wish me luck.

Remnants

Okay, I'm calm now. Sorry about that little breakdown on Friday, and thanks for understanding.

I had my gyn appointment this morning, and apparently the tissue that's left is in my cervix. I was a little proud of myself because when I was watching the u/s screen last week I thought it looked pretty low, but the tech didn't say anything about where it was. So yeah, it's in my cervix. The doc was actually able to get a little bit out this morning. He said it does look like it's coming out on its own, albeit slowly, and he doesn't think it will take much longer, but seeing as it's been almost three weeks already, that I have the option of a D&C. So I'm going for yet another u/s on Wednesday and if it's not a lot closer to "done" at that point, then D&C on Friday.

I'm okay with this plan. I don't particularly want to get a D&C if it's not necessary, and who knows, a few more days might be enough time for this thing to pass on its own. The work schedule is going to be crazy enough with one employee out all day Wednesday, and another whose grandfather isn't doing well, so the fewer days I'm gone the better.

The TTC part of my brain is pretty much turned off right now. Yes, I want this miscarriage to be over with and I want my body to be back to normal - but just for my own peace of mind. Not because I'm in any hurry to move on to the next cycle and get back to trying. In fact, I don't even want to think about trying. It's just too much work. Maybe subconsciously I don't mind waiting until Friday for the D&C because it means I'll have that much more time to not think about TTC and what comes next.

FML

So I just had my follow up u/s, and for fuck's sake there's still a sac in my uterus. Really???? After hours (days?) of the most torturous pain I've ever experienced, none of the freakishly huge clots I passed was even the sac??? For the love of God, can't this PLEASE just be over yet??? PLEASE???

The u/s tech sent the images to my doctor's office right away so I could call, and guess what? No physicians in the office this afternoon!! So I have to wait until Monday morning to find out what comes next. I am assuming a D&C is in my near future. Wonderful.

Ugh. I feel a little sick.

I repeat: FML.

Now I have to go get my nails done so I can be a pretty bridesmaid (with a zit the size of my ass on my chin) tomorrow.

(Sorry for the gratuitous swearing.)

Friday fun: The answer to the ultimate IF question

I had a super fun post detailing the week that led up to my miscarriage, but after I wrote most of it I broke down in tears at my desk and decided to finish it another time. Lucky for you. :)

I'm trying to get back into commenting more regularly on everyone's blogs, and was reading Lookingforaplussign's most recent post about her bummer of an IVF consult this morning. (Go over and give her some encouragement and hugs if you would, please.) Something she said reminded me of something my acupuncturist told me this week, which I shared with CJ and which I am going to share with you right now in even more detail. Prepare to be blown away.

So. The ultimate IF question: Why is it that people who can't handle/support children can have them at will, while so many who can support them are infertile? (A la "Idiocracy.")

The comment from my acupuncturist that led me to the answer to the ultimate IF question: Human beings are not very good breeders. This is because we're predators and at the top of the food chain. Most predators are the same way - consider, for example, bears as opposed to mice. Bears only have a couple of cubs every few years or whatever, compared to mice, who might have 10 in a litter, and several litters per year. But bears eat a lot more than mice do, and if they were as prolific as mice they would soon outnumber their prey and die out.

Humans are even farther up the food chain so it follows that we're even poorer breeders than other predators (regardless of whether you eat other animals, you're still one of us). Why are we so far up the food chain? Technically we could be eaten by other animals (and sometimes are), but we have the intellectual capacity to better protect ourselves, not to mention to create and use tools that help us eat other less fortunate species.

If less intelligent species are lower on the food chain than smarter ones, it would follow that those humans on the lower end of the intelligence scale would also be lower on the food chain, and therefore more prolific than more intelligent humans, right? I mean, you wouldn't expect a 15 year old crack addict to be able to protect herself from a bear attack, would you? She needs to be able to procreate in order to protect her "sub-species," because let's face it, she isn't going to last too long in the wild. So she'll probably end up having 6-8 children to protect her lineage. Whereas someone with more intelligence would be more likely to figure out a way to survive a bear attack (or even defeat the bear), hence ensuring a longer lifespan, and reducing the need for multiple offspring to perpetuate their sub-species.

You see where I'm going with this. Clearly, since Infertiles are the least likely to be able to procreate with ease, it follows that there must be less need for us to procreate, meaning we are at the very, very top of the food chain and therefore (as we already knew) on the highest end of the intelligence scale.

So there you go. While it totally sucks that we have a harder time procreating, at least we know we're more likely to survive a bear attack.

And to any Fertile readers out there, I mean no disrespect to you! Since you are obviously as high on the intelligence scale as us Infertiles (you hang out with the likes of me, after all), I can only conclude that you're some kind of freak of nature for being able to procreate, when the laws of nature clearly dictate that you should be infertile too! ;)

Disclaimer: This post was in no way meant to be serious, so please don't take offense and start arguing with my indisputable facts. Let us poor barren bitches have our fun where we can get it.

Forgetful, sad and angry (In other words, I'm a barrel of monkeys!)

My poor little melon is having a rough go of it lately. I simply can't seem to remember anything, and on top of that my thoughts are even more of a jumbled mess than usual. It's really irritating and I have a feeling it's going to get me into trouble.

It almost did today, actually. I completely forgot, even though I reminded myself several times, to bring T's bow bouquet to work with me so she'd have it for her rehearsal this afternoon! Luckily hubs got my voicemail and is bringing it to work with him (we work near each other, but far from home, and the wedding venue is even farther from home) so I won't look like a total idiot at the rehearsal. Thank God! For a minute there I thought I'd have to run to the drugstore for bows and paper plates to try to re-create the thing.

Since most of my time lately is spent doing and thinking about wedding stuff, I haven't been talking very much about my feelings about my miscarriage. And I definitely still have feelings; don't think I'm trying to be "strong." I could probably talk about it forever, but people don't want to hear about sad things. But I'm going through it. I cry almost every day. I get choked up thinking about it and whenever someone who knows asks me how I'm doing I have to blink away the tears. I can't concentrate. It really fucking sucks. Speaking of which, the anger is starting to make its appearance now too. Seriously, what the hell??? A miscarriage after infertility is one of the sickest jokes Mother Nature can play.

Ugh... I don't know what to say. There's not enough room in my brain to hold all the thoughts and fears and emotions that are in there. I can't give them all equal attention. No wonder I can't remember a damn thing!

Oh P.S., I am still bleeding freely after 2 weeks. I hope these herbs start working and I'm not one of those women who bleeds for 6 weeks straight. I am OVER wearing pads!

Hope award

Thank you so much to Miss Ruby for this beautiful award. I love it, and I absolutely love the message, it's so fitting right now.

During difficult times it can be hard to even think about the things that bring happiness, let alone find the energy to take joy in them. It's even harder to hold out hope that the future will bring better, happier times, and that one day your dreams may actually come true. I know that's the case for me; I have a tendency to wallow in the mire. But I'm learning to change that, I guess it takes practice, huh?

The rules for this award are to write a post about one thing that makes you happy right now, as well as something you have hope for. Strangely enough, it's harder to think of something that makes me really happy than something I'm hopeful for. I won't lie, I am having a hard time staying 'present' right now, so this is a particularly useful challenge!

I guess outside of the standard "husband and home" response, the one thing that makes me happy right now is feeling really close to my girlfriends. As you know I'm a bridesmaid in two different (and quickly-approaching) weddings this month, and I'm very excited about that. Particularly because my friend A and I were the best of friends for years, but for a couple of years up until November 2009, we didn't see very much of each other at all. We didn't have a falling out or anything, we just kind of drifted our own separate ways for a while. But I'm so happy that we're rebuilding our friendship and that she asked me to be a bridesmaid. I'm also really excited to be in my friend T's wedding. She is overflowing with excitement herself and it's infectious! It's hard to be sad when there are all these happy events going on in the lives of the people I love, and when they've invited me to take part. In the end, I'm grateful that if I had to miscarry, that it happened when I had time to deal with it, but not too much time to dwell on it.

As for hope, well I have a lot of hope right now. I'm hopeful about getting pregnant again and carrying to term, but I'm not ready to think about that too much just yet. I have big hopes that hubs and I will be able to sell our house within the next couple of years and buy something bigger, and that doesn't require as much TLC. That's something we've recently been talking about more and more. I'd love to have a second bathroom! And a kitchen where ALL the cabinet doors close snugly; and floorboards that don't squeak so much. I love our little house and I'm proud of all the work we've put into it, but I'm ready to be done!

I'm going to cop-out on nominating any particular people for this award. I'll just say, I nominate ALL of you, and if you feel inspired to write about something in your life that makes you happy right now, and something that gives you hope for the future, I would love to read about it.

*********************************

I went and visited my grandma in the hospital on my lunch break today (I actually took two hours, good thing I warned my boss I'd be out for a while). She looked pretty good, but was tired. I don't blame her, she said she'd been awake since 5:00 a.m., and had family coming and going nonstop since 8 or 9. About 8 other family members were there the whole time I was, that's enough to wear anyone out. They say she might be going home tomorrow; I very much hope so.

I think that's about enough out of me today. Thanks again to Miss Ruby!! Enjoy the rest of your Tuesday, everyone.

Some updates and stuff

Ahhh... it's been three weeks since my last acupuncture appointment and I got to go today. I needed it. I was feeling so... Eeyore this morning, and anxious on top of that, but I feel a lot more mellow now. I actually fell asleep for a few minutes during my treatment, so I guess I was pretty relaxed. My doc gave me a round of moxabustion and some herbs to help wrap up this whole miscarriage business, since I've been bleeding for about 10 days now with no sign of stopping. I hope it works, my lady business is sensitive and needs a break.

I went to the gyn for my follow-up on Friday and things are apparently going as expected. I have to get my blood drawn again this week to make sure my HCG levels are going back to normal and I also have another date with the love wand this Friday. The gyn said not to TTC for at least 2-3 months, and I sort of shrugged at him. He got it and just said well, when I get pregnant again (that's right, when) to just call and they'll get me in for an u/s right away. I do like my doctor, even if I hate going to his office. My acu said to take this month off for sure, but since I've been doing Chinese medicine for a while now my body will recover quicker than it would otherwise, so we can start TTC again after my next period. So I guess we'll mostly try to 'avoid' this month (or 6-8 weeks as the case may be), if I ever stop bleeding that is.

I had a pretty nice weekend. Saturday was my friend T's bachelorette party, we went go-kart racing and then had drinks afterwards. I also finally bought shoes for both weddings; I've been so out of it lately I completely forgot I needed to get those! Sunday hubs and I went to the air show with a couple friends and that was fun. Afterwards we indulged in a little more retail therapy. Both of our wardrobes are in serious need of updating, so now we each have a few more things to work with. I don't know about you but sometimes I literally get depressed over how sad my clothing options are!

This week is going to be a crazy one between follow-up tests, wedding preparations, my FIL's birthday tomorrow, and on top of it all my grandmother is in the hospital with heart problems. Please keep her in your prayers, she's getting up there in age so I really hope this is not "it." :(

I don't think I ever fully expressed how grateful I am to everyone not only for your wonderful comments over the past couple weeks, but for those of you who posted about me on your blogs (I know there were several of you and I'm sorry I didn't thank each of you individually) to rally even more support, sharing my blog on LFCA, and to those of you who came to show support for someone you didn't even know. I am truly touched, and just wanted to make sure you know how appreciative I am to all of you. Thank you :)

Checking in

Here I am, back at work. It's hard answering questions like, "How was your vacation?" People get confused when you try to smile and say, "It was okay," while willing the tears not to well up in your eyes. The tears really throw them off. But short answers keep most people from asking anything more probing, so there's that.

I will say it's definitely better to be at work surrounded by people than at home alone. Luckily Monday was the only day that happened. Hubs had Tuesday off and we got out of the house for some shopping, and my friend B was off yesterday so the two of us did some more shopping. Retail therapy is a wonderful thing. Of course I don't actually feel any better, but at least I can be miserable in a brand-new sweater today (yes, it is still sweater weather here. Endless Bummer, we're calling it). And heck, today may be my Monday, but the weekend is right around the corner. Check me out, all looking at the bright side and stuff.

So yep. I'm doing okay. I'm here. I've been trying to keep from torturing myself by thinking back on sad things, and am not ready to figure out what comes next yet. So for now I'm just here. And I guess that's okay.

Hi

I'm still alive, and am so thankful for all of you. Thank you all for your comments, no one understands like you ladies do.

I am doing okay. I'm still on vacation until Thursday, so that helps. Hubs had to go back to work today, but he's off tomorrow, so I'm just trying to push through this first day on my own. He has been amazing the past week. There's no way I could have made it through this without him.

I'll probably start easing back into blogging over the next several days. Thank you again for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

This lyrics in this song aren't completely appropriate, but it's been in my head for days as I've been saying good-bye.