8.12.2010

Forgetful, sad and angry (In other words, I'm a barrel of monkeys!)

My poor little melon is having a rough go of it lately. I simply can't seem to remember anything, and on top of that my thoughts are even more of a jumbled mess than usual. It's really irritating and I have a feeling it's going to get me into trouble.

It almost did today, actually. I completely forgot, even though I reminded myself several times, to bring T's bow bouquet to work with me so she'd have it for her rehearsal this afternoon! Luckily hubs got my voicemail and is bringing it to work with him (we work near each other, but far from home, and the wedding venue is even farther from home) so I won't look like a total idiot at the rehearsal. Thank God! For a minute there I thought I'd have to run to the drugstore for bows and paper plates to try to re-create the thing.

Since most of my time lately is spent doing and thinking about wedding stuff, I haven't been talking very much about my feelings about my miscarriage. And I definitely still have feelings; don't think I'm trying to be "strong." I could probably talk about it forever, but people don't want to hear about sad things. But I'm going through it. I cry almost every day. I get choked up thinking about it and whenever someone who knows asks me how I'm doing I have to blink away the tears. I can't concentrate. It really fucking sucks. Speaking of which, the anger is starting to make its appearance now too. Seriously, what the hell??? A miscarriage after infertility is one of the sickest jokes Mother Nature can play.

Ugh... I don't know what to say. There's not enough room in my brain to hold all the thoughts and fears and emotions that are in there. I can't give them all equal attention. No wonder I can't remember a damn thing!

Oh P.S., I am still bleeding freely after 2 weeks. I hope these herbs start working and I'm not one of those women who bleeds for 6 weeks straight. I am OVER wearing pads!

10 comments:

Sweet Pea said...

I understand completely how you are feeling. I still have feelings, every.f&c*king.day about my mc. It does suck. I know that you are hurting and I wish I could help you get through it.

I hope you try and enjoy your wedding extravaganza !

((((((((((SUPER BIG HUGS)))))))))))

Allison said...

Oh honey. (((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You talk about it all you need to. Or, at least, blog about it all you need to. Because we get it.

E said...

Hugs

Alex said...

I agree - miscarriage after infertility is truly one of the worst things ever. I'm so sorry.

Tanya said...

(((((HUGS))))))

I'm with the rest, its not something that just goes away and we are hear to listen to everything you have to say.

Miss Ruby said...

Hmmm I wish I could say that the feelings re your miscarriage will go away but every single one of mine have stuck with me and still continue to rear their ugly heads at times I really wish they wouldn't.

Infertility is bad enough but then to add miscarriage to the mix, it's like the universe saying "hey I haven't screwed with you enough - here deal with this" it's truly life altering.

My only advice, don't pretend your "fine" - because if you do, people will stop asking, they will just assume you are fine and then won't be there for you - speaking from experience there, cept my friends did that WITHOUT asking if I was fine, they just assumed or couldn't be arsed caring.

If you need to talk about it, do it hear, you're gonna be sounding off to people who totally [unfortunately] get what you're saying and who are more than willing to wrap you in a thousand hugs.

One of which I'm happy to give right now [[[[[hugs]]]]]

xxxx

Lookingforaplussign said...

You are strong, Kitty, and you know we are all here for you!!

(hugs)

Have a good time this weekend!

elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I wish I had more to offer.

Megan said...

I agree with everyone else. You'll never, ever forget it. As time goes on though, it will gradually move to the back of your mind as other things happen in your life. But it will always be there. At least that's how it is with me. And I would actually prefer to keep that memory rather than forget it, as awful as that experience was.

I hope you have a good weekend! Hang in there--we're all here for you when you need us :)

Emily said...

(((big hugs)))