4.07.2011

Emotional blabbering

I'm feeling a little emotional today, thanks to the impending arrival of my least favorite aunt.

Last night my family all got together for my mom's birthday and it was a really nice time.  Towards the end of the evening my sister, who is 41 and has 4 children and who I strongly suspect laments the fact that she won't be having any more, starts getting starry-eyed looking at my brother's 6 month old daughter.  Then, as she sometimes does, she began waxing nostalgic about her pregnancies and deliveries and how much weight she gained (a lot).  Sigh.  I'm not proud to tell you that at that point I turned to Hubs, smiled and said so everyone could hear, "I didn't gain any weight during my pregnancy."  Blessedly, my mom and dad laughed and no one seemed offended, but really?  Did I need to say that?  Sure my sister didn't say a single word to me about my miscarriage when it happened or ever after, but that was months ago and I've let it go (uhhh, mostly).  The point is, this is my family and I very much feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of being a happy family because I can't have kids, and no one understands that feeling but me and Hubs.

I know, I know: every family has their issues, and probably a good 50% of society feels like the black sheep of the family.  In fact, I'm 99.9% sure that my three siblings all feel like the black sheep of our family too.  So what the hell am I bitching about?

I guess I'm just trying to muddle through this reality of mine.  A few months ago I wondered when I would accept the fact that I probably won't ever get pregnant and have a baby the old-fashioned way, if at all.  Now I'm almost there.  Or maybe I am there, but it still hurts.  (And it hurts extra when my hormones are a-raging somewhere around day 28 of my cycle.) 

Back in August, in the midst of the shit-storm aftermath of my miscarriage, I had an opportunity to sit down and talk with the mother of my oldest friend in the world - we've literally known each other since we were babies.  My friend had told her mom about my miscarriage, so while I was at her home having her alter one of my bridesmaid dresses, she asked if I had a minute to talk.  As a new bride, 30-something years ago, she'd also discovered she was infertile.  In fact, she had endometriosis so bad that she had to have a hysterectomy at age 25, having never been pregnant.  Eight years after marrying, she and her husband adopted my friend and enjoyed a very happy life.  Then about five years ago her husband got sick.  It took several months to discover he had ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and a couple years later this once healthy, vibrant man passed away.  After talking about all this, my friend's mom asked me very evenly, "Did you ever think life was going to turn out like this?"

Nope, I never for a single minute expected my life to turn out the way it has, in almost every way.  I suspect that's the case for many, many people.  But I'm learning to accept the disappointments and be extra grateful for the lucky surprises.  Sometimes I guess I just need to remind myself of that.

10 comments:

Misty Dawn said...

Wow! You are so brave! I've gained 60lbs from TTC and I'm not afraid to drop that in convos. Your friends mom is awesome. Its hard to be grateful, when all you can think about is what you want and can't have it. Truly something we need to strive for.

Sarah said...

Speaking out is the BEST therapy. It's a good things that you made that comment, even thought your sister may not say anything, I bet it made her think.

My Vegas said...

I love your friends mom already!

Hope AF decides to take a hike this month.

Alex said...

I'm glad you said what you did. So many of us (myself included) are afraid to bring up our past pregnancies and miscarriages because we don't want to make people uncomfortable, but it's not right! I hope that speaking up makes your family think!

I'm glad you have your friend's mom to talk to about this stuff - she sounds wonderful.

Heather said...

Your friends mom sounds wonderful. And I'm glad you said what you did. Many a time I have said "something" about my struggles to get pregnant. And sometimes I sit in quiet, maddening frustration. Like the two women at bookclub who refuse to think that having fertility help is "gods will". and they don't believe it's a legitimate reason. Idiots.

Kelly said...

Thank you for talking about it.

Your mom's friend sounds like a wonderful woman.

E said...

It sucks that your sister isn't supportive of you. I can totally relate as most of my relatives treated me with a sort of reserved silence after my second loss. I think it hurts more when they don't talk about it. Of course, when they do, they say all the WRONG things. The one thing that hurt most was "At least what happened to so and so didn't happen to you." THat was so painful to hear, as if I should be happy?? I was so depressed that I would start crying anywhere or over anything.

Hugs.

Allison said...

(((Hugs)))

stink-bomb said...

your friends mum absolutely rocks! and i LOVE what you said at your family get together - comments like you dropped need to be said, so they remember that you can't join in on the "happy family" conversations!

my life hasn't turned out as i'd hoped or we planned either - we're slowly taking steps to turn the life we DO have into a fabulous one.

~x~

Kristy said...

I very much know how you feel and/or are feeling. I feel like this most days....it really sucks sometimes..but don't ever give up because sometimes miracles really do happen when you are least expecting it!!!