I'm feeling a little emotional today, thanks to the impending arrival of my least favorite aunt.
Last night my family all got together for my mom's birthday and it was a really nice time. Towards the end of the evening my sister, who is 41 and has 4 children and who I strongly suspect laments the fact that she won't be having any more, starts getting starry-eyed looking at my brother's 6 month old daughter. Then, as she sometimes does, she began waxing nostalgic about her pregnancies and deliveries and how much weight she gained (a lot). Sigh. I'm not proud to tell you that at that point I turned to Hubs, smiled and said so everyone could hear, "I didn't gain any weight during my pregnancy." Blessedly, my mom and dad laughed and no one seemed offended, but really? Did I need to say that? Sure my sister didn't say a single word to me about my miscarriage when it happened or ever after, but that was months ago and I've let it go (uhhh, mostly). The point is, this is my family and I very much feel like I'm missing out on a huge part of being a happy family because I can't have kids, and no one understands that feeling but me and Hubs.
I know, I know: every family has their issues, and probably a good 50% of society feels like the black sheep of the family. In fact, I'm 99.9% sure that my three siblings all feel like the black sheep of our family too. So what the hell am I bitching about?
I guess I'm just trying to muddle through this reality of mine. A few months ago I wondered when I would accept the fact that I probably won't ever get pregnant and have a baby the old-fashioned way, if at all. Now I'm almost there. Or maybe I am there, but it still hurts. (And it hurts extra when my hormones are a-raging somewhere around day 28 of my cycle.)
Back in August, in the midst of the shit-storm aftermath of my miscarriage, I had an opportunity to sit down and talk with the mother of my oldest friend in the world - we've literally known each other since we were babies. My friend had told her mom about my miscarriage, so while I was at her home having her alter one of my bridesmaid dresses, she asked if I had a minute to talk. As a new bride, 30-something years ago, she'd also discovered she was infertile. In fact, she had endometriosis so bad that she had to have a hysterectomy at age 25, having never been pregnant. Eight years after marrying, she and her husband adopted my friend and enjoyed a very happy life. Then about five years ago her husband got sick. It took several months to discover he had ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and a couple years later this once healthy, vibrant man passed away. After talking about all this, my friend's mom asked me very evenly, "Did you ever think life was going to turn out like this?"
Nope, I never for a single minute expected my life to turn out the way it has, in almost every way. I suspect that's the case for many, many people. But I'm learning to accept the disappointments and be extra grateful for the lucky surprises. Sometimes I guess I just need to remind myself of that.