My department is getting audited next week and this morning I was reminded that it's my ass on the line if it doesn't go well. I've been super stressed about this audit because it's a follow up to the last one - which we actually passed, just one section of it was really bad. (That didn't stop them from firing one of my employees over it though.) The past several months we've been doing clean up and now it's time to see if all that work has paid off. If not, my job could be at stake. So that's why I woke up with a lead ball in the pit of my stomach this morning.
But logically I shouldn't be worried. Isn't my goal to get out of this job at any cost? I should be praying we bomb this audit just so I can finally be free! I want to turn off the voice in my head telling me that people are going to think less of me if I "fail." The truth is, I've done everything I can. I've worked my ass off for a company that I don't respect and that has no respect for its employees, and if that's not enough then I'm done. So fire me. I'm BEGGING for it.
In other news, I got to fly with my dad in his plane on Monday. I had to go out to the desert to help our new department on their first day of processing with our systems, and rather than drive the three hours to get there I decided to ask my dad if he'd fly me out. He was really excited to take me, considering it was the first time I'd flown with him, and we had a great time. The work day sucked of course, but that won't be what I remember about that day. Instead I'll remember navigating the way home by landmarks 5,000 feet below us, seeing how gorgeous Southern California looks from up high, especially my neck of the woods, and spending some quality time alone with my dad. We don't do that nearly enough.
My women's group is going really well too. We had a little celebration last Friday to commemorate the end of the first quarter of 2011 and the beginngin of the second, and we had four new women join us! I'm pretty proud of how quickly we're gaining interest. The group is really helping me keep things in perspective and sort through the damage that infertility (and to be fair, other factors too) wreaked on my self-confidence over the past few years. It reminds me to keep looking forward and be grateful for what I have. It sounds cheesey, but if you're struggling I strongly recommend getting together regularly with your girlfriends to talk and encourage each other. For me it helps me feel sane knowing I'm not the only one who feels a certain way, and I hear so many insightful things that I never would have thought of on my own. I posted a link to our group's blog over on the left if you're interested in knowing more about us.
Okay back to work I go, gotta trudge through the end of this wretched week. I'm super excited to have two whole days off this weekend (at least, I haven't heard that I have to work on Saturday so I'm assuming I don't) and I fully intend to be as lazy as possible on Saturday. AF will have left town by then and it is sooo going to be ON with the Hubs this weekend! Rowr.