Knowing what I want

I wonder how many people really think about whether and why they want to have children. And by "people" I mean fertiles, since we infertiles have plenty of time to ponder these questions. Most of the mothers I know simply couldn't have put that much thought into it because their first pregnancies weren't planned, and many of them were still teenagers at the time. What 18 year old thinks, "I do believe I'd enjoy the challenges and rewards of raising a child"? None that I know, they just want to bone.

While hubs and I were on our road trip last September, for the first time I thought long and hard about why I wanted to have a child. I was starting to feel afraid that maybe what I really only wanted was to be pregnant. Pregnant ladies get all kinds of attention, they get to personally experience some amazing things, not to mention it's a great excuse to send their husbands out for pickles and ice cream at 2:00 a.m. (For the life of me I can't get hubs to do that! And he swears when I'm pregnant he still won't. What a meanie!) I really worried that I was in this whole TTC thing for purely selfish reasons.

So on our trip I just let my mind wander. And you know what? I discovered that I have lots of reasons for wanting to have children: I want to be remembered after I die; I want the challenge of raising a teenager as difficult as I was (and hubs was); I want to teach a kindergartner how to tie their shoes; I want to sing sweet songs to put my baby to sleep, and funny songs to make him laugh; I want to learn how to effectively discipline a child; I want to watch him or her graduate from high school and college, fall in love, get married, start a family of their own; I want to be a grandmother; and when hubs and I are old and decrepit, I want to be surrounded by our family.

I don't think these reasons are particularly noble, and in fact most of them are purely selfish. But does anyone really have noble reasons for wanting kids? Unless you're God, begetting a Son to save the world from our own sin, I doubt it. I do feel better having realized for certain that this is what I want, though. Sometimes I get so caught up in the drama of TTC that I forget the end result isn't going to be seeing two lines, it's going to be raising a human being.

I'd love to hear your reasons for wanting kids, if you'd like to share :)


elephantscanremember said...

I've thought about this too. At first I wanted it because I wanted to be pregnant, and as the process agonizingly rolled along, I figured out that I wanted to be a mother. I think it's only natural to evolve with this horrid disease, but it does make one more introspective. At this point, I may end up becoming a mother by adoptive means. Who knows. As everyone says, "There are so many kids out there that need homes." I know that you know what I mean by that. ;)

(My dh wouldn't go out on a craving run for me either. He's already told me so!)

AJ48 said...

awwwh. Your post made me tear. It reminded me of all those feelings I had. And those feelings never truly go away, even when you do get pregnant and have a child - in my eyes I will always be infertile and have to deal with it for many more years to come.

And you are so right about the 'fertiles' not really taking the time to decide weather or not they actually WANT to have a baby the way us infertiles agonize over the subject!!

It sounds like you have many great reasons to want to have a baby and when it happens (because it will) you will be a great mom! Praying for you!!

E said...

I can't wait for you to be a mom. You are gonna be such an awesome mom!!

I don't know what teenagers want with being a parent just yet. Along with all the cutsie moments are the hard ones as well. It is tough parenting.

Allison said...

Ah, yes...

When I first started blogging, I said that I hadn't stopped to imagine my home with a child in it. I've wanted a baby for so long, but didn't think about what it would actually BE like to have one.

Since then, I've had a lot of time to ponder. Mostly, I want to have children because I have a place in my heart for them. I want to go through everything that women before me have experienced for eons (though with today's technology - holla!).

And as much as I want it, I'm scared of it, too. Just this morning, I thought "what if my kid is an asshole? Or a serial killer?" I mean, I'd do my absolute best, but it's not all 'nuture.'

But it's still worth the gamble. Because I have all this love, see, and an intense longing to give it to a little being that is part me and part him.

Steph O. said...

IF gives is WAAAAY too much tme to think about this! Most people can argue that anyone's reasons for wanting a child are selfish & maybe they're right. I've thought about those things that you've mentioned.

I've just always dreamed though, of all the things I will enjoy teaching my child. I also can't wait for what they'll teach me.

I've always known that I could & would do the adoption route if it comes to that. Ironically, they'd fit right in with the other grandkids on DH's side. His bro's with is Korean, so our neices look Asian. The baby that his sis is due to have soon has an African-American father, so will probably have dark skin. DH jokes that if we get pg, our kids will stand out in the fam photos as the only white grandkids.

My MIL said that we'd be better parents for the wait & struggles we've been through, so I'll pass that compliment on to all my IF bloggy friends!