Ringing in the New Year

I would have created something lovely to share with you for the New Year, but I didn't think of it until today and sadly I don't have Photoshop at work! So here's something I pilfered off the interweb. :)

Now for some mush...

2009 was a particularly difficult year for many of us, but I can't count it as a complete loss. I am so happy and grateful to have met all of you wonderful women. You've helped me through one of the hardest times of my life (not that it's over yet!), and without your amazing support and encouragement, as cliche as it is to say, I would truly be lost today.

I hope that 2010 brings us all something wonderful, whatever it may be!

New leaf

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. I think that's because way back in elementary school I imagined what a year would look like if it was all drawn out on paper - a weird, wobbly kind of loop thing that not only didn't have the year starting in the correct place (it started in September), but, because in my head the year went in a circle (sort of) and not forward, it may have also really jacked up my way of thinking! And I never did get that image out of my head.

So yeah. I don't think of January as the beginning of the year, therefore I don't think about making resolutions. But this year I am.

2009 kind of sucked. And by "kind of sucked" I mean it was right up there with my first year of marriage which started with hubs getting laid off on my birthday and ended with us in marriage counseling. So, pretty sucky.

Obviously 2009 was the year I discovered I'm infertile, and of course that realization changed me. Truly it's very much like a loss, and I went (and am still going) through stages of grief. Denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression... It's only now that I'm barely starting to see a glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don't mean hope of getting pregnant necessarily, but hope that I can be happy. That one day all of this sadness and despair will be behind me and my life will be good.

I want 2010 to be the start of that good life. It's going to be a multi-step process:

-I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed all the time so I'm going to start taking better care of myself - starting with exercising regularly and eating better. (It's time to try out some new veggies!)

-I'm tired of being constantly sad and obsessing over my infertility, so I'm going to start focusing on happier things. Maybe start getting involved in more things that I enjoy.

-I'm going to remember that I am not a statistic! I'm an individual and my situation is different from anyone else's.

-I am going to go to church more often (even if I cry in the aisle in front of everyone).

I know, resolutions are supposed to be simple so that you have a chance of actually sticking to them, and I just listed 4 different things. But really it isn't so much - exercise, do stuff I like, go to church... Even if I only do one of those things it will be progress! So I'm not setting myself up for failure, I'm giving myself lots of room for success. :)

Now if I could just get my Wii already I could start on #1!

Jonesin'

For my birthday - in July - my mom got me a Wii Fit. I'd used my brother's and LOVED it, and had been casually saying to my mom that I wanted to get one. I honestly was not dropping hints, because I don't actually even have a Wii. So since I got the Wii Fit, hubs and I have been planning on getting a Wii for Christmas. We cashed in some points on a credit card and got a gift card to B.est Bu.y. I already had another gift card I'd been holding on to forever, and the rest we got for Christmas. We now have more than enough in free money to get ourselves the coveted Wii!

Unfortunately, of the 6 Be.st Bu.ys in a 60 mile radius, not one has a single Wii in stock! They say they'll get more in this week, but they don't know which day.

Can I tell you how much I've been itching to use my Wii Fit??? A LOT. For months! They better have them in before the weekend, I need something to do on Saturday while hubs is at work.

Speaking of 'doing' and 'hubs'... I can't believe that today is CD7 already and the BDing will pretty much begin tonight. AF is gone and my libido has taken her place - I just hope it sticks around for a couple weeks! I can't deny that my hopes are up this C. I'm trying to keep it in check, but I have to admit it feels good to be hopeful and excited for once. I'll worry about being disappointed after I ovulate. Until then I'll continue sipping my green tea and daydreaming about ways to make BD fun...

Christmas

Our Christmas was very nice. Busy of course, what with the trapsing all over town to attend every possible event, but it was EXTREMELY helpful that it was the weekend - we didn't feel nearly as rushed as usual. They should seriously consider making Christmas fall on a Friday every year!

I won't go into all the boring details, I've lamented the craziness of holidays with my in-laws to you enough already! But there are two things I'd like to share.

1. On Christmas day, hubs and I went to mass for the first time since probably Easter. I was really looking forward to it, kind of hoping for some peace or wisdom, or some kind of something from God. Well, about halfway through, the priest invited all the children up to the altar while he prepared communion. At first I was totally fine, but eventually I started getting emotional. I held the tears back for a while, but then it was time for the Lord's Prayer, at which point everyone holds hands - even reaching across the aisle - and sings. Well, I was sitting on the aisle, and across from me was a little old lady who was very cognizant of the fact that I was having a hard time keeping it together. She looked at me sympathetically, and while we were holding hands she kept squeezing mine. After we started singing, I lost it. I was literally standing in the middle of church, right in the aisle, with tears running down my cheeks, and a little old lady squeezing my hand the whole time. (Yes, hubs was squeezing my other hand.) I don't really even know why I was crying, but she was trying to comfort me. I wish I would have said thank you, but I did squeeze her hand back, so hopefully she knows.

2. On Saturday, hubs and I went to see some friends at their new house. Well, when we got there we quickly realized it was all guys, no wives or girlfriends anywhere! Except me of course. We planned on having one beer each and then running off, but it turned out to be really fun and we stuck around for a little while. At one point some of the guys started asking about my lap, and saying how much they hoped we'd be able to have kids. Granted, they were getting drunk (they were in that semi-emotional state), but it was still nice to have the support! And they never would have brought it up if they didn't care a little, no matter how drunk they were :) So I thought it was cool. Hubs has some good friends!

So now it's back to the grind. I seriously didn't want to get up this morning, and it didn't help that it was overcast and darker than usual. If you're working I hope your day is going by fast, and if you're off I hope you're enjoying your day to the fullest!

I'll post about Christmas tomorrow!

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a dinner party with all your favorite IF bloggy friends? My house is so small that we can't fit more than 6 or 8 people inside at the same time comfortably, much less all seated at one table, and I longingly dream of having a real dinner party one day! I have a lovely table that expands to seat 10 and was owned by my grandparents in the 50's, and I often think about adding more place settings to my service-for-eight wedding china. I love to browse for serving platters, party china, wine glasses and table cloths. I imagine theme nights and menus of simple but delicious foods paired with wonderful wines.

Since I can't have a proper dinner party inside my home, I fantasize about setting it up in our backyard. Our backyard is quite large, at least it is for Southern California, and we've put a lot of work into making it conducive to outdoor entertaining. It still has a long way to go before it fits our vision, but it's definitely come a long way from when we bought the house. In my dream, I have the table set out in the middle of the grass. Gold twinkle lights, or something more dramatic like those vintage-looking bubble-shaped clear glass bulbs, are somehow suspended over the table (somehow, because in reality we have nothing that would support them), and white candles and elegant flowers are arranged along the middle of the table. The table itself is adorned with some kind of clever and attractive linen arrangement, not necessarily one solid cloth covering the whole thing, and my wedding china, silverware and wine glasses are set out. And don't forget the pretty place cards at each setting!

Dinner would start at sunset, with all the guests dressed to the nines - the women wearing formal but light summery dresses, the men in suits, but looking casual sans ties, and shoes are optional for everyone. The food is is a big hit, the wine flows, and sparkling conversation and laughter abound into the night...

That's my dinner party fantasy. Anyone want to come? :)

Survey says...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I like wrapping gifts in paper if I have time. I think it's always more fun to tear into wrapping paper!

2. Real tree or artificial? REAL. Even if I wanted an artificial tree hubs would never allow it!

3. When do you put up the tree? Whenever we get around to it! This year it was the day before my lap, so the 9th. Kind of early for us.

4. When do you take the tree down? A couple days after Christmas. This year we're planning on having a "Burn Your Tree" party, so it might get to stay up a little later than usual. (Don't worry, we're going to cut the trees up and burn them in the fire pit.)

5. Do you like eggnog? It's okay. I used to love it as a kid but I haven't had it in years.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Not sure about a favorite, but I remember getting a "premie" Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 5 that I loved.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad. He has SO MUCH STUFF already, I never know what to get him. This year I think I did pretty good though... I hope!!

8. Easiest person to buy for? I must be a terrible Christmas shopper because I don't think ANYONE is easy!

9. Do you have a nativity scene? No.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail is way more fun. I try to make and mail ours every year.

11. Worst Christmas ever? The only thing that comes to mind is having the flu with my brother one year when we were little kids.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? White Christmas. My friend, her mom and I watch it together every year.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Haha, as if I'm that organized! Cute. Ummm this year I did almost all my shopping last Saturday. Granted, it's going to be a "light" year!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Of course! It's good for the environment ;)

15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Green bean casserole. I think I said the same thing for Thanksgiving. I just LOVE it! Mmm...

16. Lights on the tree? Yep, white ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Santa Baby.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We stay in town, but don't let that fool you. We definitely won't be home for most of the day!

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning, when we have gifts! Hubs already started playing his (a video game of course), but he says he has something for me. So at least I will have something to open. :)

21. Name one annoying thing about this time of the year. Just one??? Sorry, that was my inner grinch coming out! Umm... too many people on the roads making my commute hellacious.

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't know about "favorite," but our tree always has the same theme because that's all the ornaments we have! It's red, white and sparkly.

23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Repeat of Thanksgiving! Mmm...

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Nothing really. I mean, I did want a BFP but since that's not going to happen, I'm just wishing for one in 2010!

Come on!!!

Bah! Why must AF toy with my emotions so? I'm still just barely spotting and it is so GD annoying. Why can't she get her ass in gear already?!

Whew. Sorry, this PMS is brutal! I will now attempt to compose myself... Ahem.

(UPDATE: Woohoo!! AF finally got it together, and it's officially CD1!)

Yesterday I got some very exciting news - my friend A, who was the MOH in my wedding, and who's been with her boyfriend for ten years, got engaged on Monday!! We've been friends since HS and she's the only person I've ever considered my best friend (except hubs of course), but for the past couple of years we haven't been keeping in touch very well until recently. I'm so glad we're back in touch because I would have HATED to miss their engagement! They always knew they'd get married, but obviously it's been a long time coming and much-anticipated for both their families and friends. I joined her and a couple of her other friends last night for a champagne toast and a long look through her 4 year old wedding ideas binder, and it was a blast. They're going to get married for sure in 2010, possibly within the next several months! I am SO EXCITED for them!!!

Well, just one more day until Christmas. And yes, I have to work. Everyone else in the bank is leaving early tomorrow, but both of the departments I supervise will be here until after 3:30 (there's a good, semi-complicated reason, though). It's not too horrible, it'll most likely be DEAD, so we're going to be watching movies in the wire room! ("Elf" I think, and I freakin' love that movie!) We'll definitely have snacks and maybe a delish McD's breakfast too. Also, I work in a particularly professional environment, but they're letting us wear jeans! Amazing. All in all, it's not going to suck TOO much. (Knock on wood!)

Happy Christmas Eve-Eve!

I do believe...

...that AF might be showing her face a couple days early! Woohoo! I started spotting this afternoon, so hopefully she doesn't try anything tricky and just gets to flowing! I haven't been this excited to get my period in YEARS.

Question: Does anyone else get into this weird emotional state right before/at the beginning of AF? I'll have regular old mood swings for days before AF shows up, but very often I'll feel absolutely horrible about myself for a little while on CD1 or the day before, and it has nothing to do with TTC. I remember as a teenager I'd get the same feeling. Just like REALLY down, super low self-esteem, almost to the point of feeling guilty, over just anything. Or nothing at all. Is that weird or just normal PMS?

Wind and wishful thinking

Is anyone else having a really hard time focusing at work this week? I don't know if I'm delirious from lack of sleep, or just in a really good mood all of a sudden. But either way, I just have no interest in working on anything other that what immediately needs to be done.

Last night we had raging winds in our town, and HOLY CRAP was it loud! Our house isn't insulated and we have this giant star pine in our front yard that's old and tangled as all hell, so we had seed pods and gigantic needles (they're not like regular pine needles, they're like 18 inches long and 1/2 inch in diameter) pelting our roof, windows and walls all through the wee hours of the morning. This of course woke hubs and me up, as well as Atticus, who then decided since we were all awake it must be play time! Even as the wind died down, Atticus's playfulness didn't. His cuteness only works on me during waking hours, so I finally took his favorite toy (a stack of twistie-ties all smushed together) and put it in the living room for him to play with. Blessedly, that worked and I got a WHOLE HOUR to sleep before my alarm went off. I was probably awake for only an hour or so total, but I didn't sleep very well the night before either, so I can't wait until this weekend - 3 glorious days to sleep in!

I've been in a strangely optimistic mood since my lap. I keep having these visions of positive HPTs that I literally have to shake out of my head! I've decided to try really hard to stay calm and positive for the next 6 months (don't want to get overly excited, now). My new insurance will go into effect Jan 1, so that kind of helps my optimistic attitude too. If the lap didn't do the trick, at least I'll be able to get some more testing done. This is the best chance we've had yet to get pg, and just in case attitude really does make a difference (haha) I don't want to screw anything up!

Well, lucky for me it's really busy here today, so even though I don't want to jump into any big projects, I have enough that has to get done RIGHT NOW. The good thing is that my day is going by pretty fast so far.

Only 3 days 'til Christmas... Is everyone ready?

Post-Op

I just got back from my post op appointment and let me first say, I get that doctor's offices are busy at the end of the year, but I'm PMSed okay? And waiting for 35 minutes in the waiting room, followed by 25 minutes in the exam room for less than 5 minutes with the doctor is LAME.

Okay, rant over :)

So my doc says I had stage 2 endo (which to me sounds slightly more serious than "superficial" endo, but whatever). It was on my left ovary, pelvic wall and the side of my uterus. He said he "flushed" my tubes and they were perfectly clear, and everything else looked great. My best window of opportunity is the first 6-8 months, so as of the end of AF (the end of next week sometime), let the wild rumpus start!

Nooooo!!! (And the weekend)

I had a horrible night's sleep last night. That often happens on Sunday nights though, I'm sure it's usually anxiety-related. Well last night I woke up early with the chills. I could not get comfortable - I was either too cold or too hot. Then I had (TMI) what can only be described as "mud-butt" when I finally got up. YUCK. And I still can't get comfortable, I'm a little sweaty, too hot and too cold. The worst part is, one of my underlings called in sick today because she and both her kids have the stomach flu! So now I'm all paranoid that I'm getting sick. I brought my Emergen-C to work with me, but I doubt it will help if it is the stomach flu. I'm hoping it's just a coincidence because usually the flu hits fast and hard, and except for the hot flashes I'm not really feeling too bad. So maybe it's just PMS. Let's hope!! Send me some wellness vibes please!

This weekend was another quickie, wasn't it? Saturday hubs took me to see Ne.w Mo.on. He is so funny - I was whining to him the other day about how we never go to the movies anymore (and I LOVE going to the movies). On his days off during the week he'll go see the guy flicks that I don't want to see, but we don't go see anything together. So on Friday he said, "Do you want me to take you to see Ne.w Mo.on tomorrow?" Aww, what a guy!! Granted, he did make several hilariously snarky comments throughout the movie, but I think there was enough "action" to hold his attention a little bit. Afterwards we went out and finished our Christmas shopping and finally got our cards printed, so those are going in the mail today. Then we capped the day off by going to a friend's Christmas party.

I decided I'm giving my underlings cookies and brownies and whatnot instead of gifts, now that there are 4 of them, so on Sunday I spent almost the whole day at my parents' house baking with my mom (and also drinking wine, hehe). We made quite the variety - there are 3 kinds of cookies, brownies with mint chocolate candy topping, these super yummy pumpkin squares, cupcakes, triple chocolate cherry cake/squares, and fudge. And we were worried we wouldn't have enough!

I have my post-op appointment today, so I get to leave work at 3:00. My incisions are still sore, especially my belly button, but other than that I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not too swollen anymore so that's nice, I can almost wear my regular jeans again!

Okay I'm going to go take my Emergen-C because I just noticed that it says it has electrolytes, and that's always good when your intestines are working overtime. So it can't hurt, right? I hope it helps...

Happy Monday, for those of you working this week - I hope it goes by fast!!

Surprise

Today is a pretty fun day. We had a "secret santa" gift exchange within our department, and the person I bought for really liked the gift I gave her (who wouldn't? It was a Tar.get gift card!). I was a little worried because there were only 2 other gift cards given and all the other gifts were pretty personal! I didn't know my person very well, so I'm really glad she was happy with what I gave her. I haven't gotten my gift yet, because my secret santa left it at home! LOL. I hear it's good though :)

But that wasn't the surprise.

Last week as I was leaving work the day before my lap, I took the elevator with a few women in my extended department that I don't normally talk to. They have been known to be a bit gossipy, so I tend not to share ANY personal info with them (especially since I am technically "management"). But they knew I was having surgery, and of course they asked me about it. I was kind of vague at first, but one of them knew exactly what I was talking about and said she had it done too, so I ended up saying it was for infertility stuff. She then said that she tried to conceive for 3 years, had endo and was never able to get pregnant. I had actually heard that she'd dealt with IF, but I wasn't about to ask her about it, ya know?

Today the same lady came by my desk and asked how I was feeling and whatnot, so I told her the doc found some endo. She wished me the luck that she didn't have, and we talked a little more and laughed about how horrible IF testing can be, the HSG in particular. She then said she knows what a lonely road infertility is, how people don't get it unless they've been through it, and if I ever need to talk I know where to find her.

I almost started tearing up! I didn't expect that from her at all, how nice was that! I don't know how often I'd go cry on her shoulder or anything, but it's nice to know someone around here gets it.

So it's shaping up to be a decent day for me (knock on wood). The bank is having lunch catered for everyone in the corporate office, so that will be nice. We had breakfast along with our gift exchange too, so it's like "get fat day" at work. That's the holidays though!

I hope you are all having a nice Friday and are looking forward to a great weekend, now that your day is drawing to a close. I still have a few more hours here, and can't wait until 4:30!

I'm a whiny-pants

Since I have nothing useful or interesting to share at the moment, I will whine about how my guts still hurt from the lap. I had to LOL a little (gently!) at CJ's post about wanting to have sex already after her lap (which was on the same day as mine). Seriously, I can't even think about sex yet! I can barely WALK! You go, girl :)

So here is a list of things that make my still-swollen belly hurt:

-Sneezing. This is the WORST! My poor peepers are really sensitive to sunlight and I always sneeze when it's bright outside. Owieeee!

-Laughing. Last night hubs said something that made me laugh, and when he realized I thought it was funny, he kept going with it, even though I told him to knock it off because it friggin' HURT! No comedy in my life for a few more days please!

-Lying on my side. I am a side-sleeper, big time, so this majorly sucks balls. Even if I take a pain pill, I can just imagine all my organs sliding around, and the connective tissue stretching out to their limits, and - nope! Can't do it. Gotta sleep on my back.

-Atticus. My cat is SUCH a doofus. How many times do I have to push him away before he gets that he CANNOT climb on my tummy? Yesterday he stepped directly on my belly button. Which currently sports a lovely yellow halo of a bruise. Hot stuff!!

-Driving. Seriously! It's not so much the freeway ride, it's going through sharp turns, or anything else that requires the use of my abs. Okay, yeah, it would probably help if I slowed down a little. I do like to go fast!

I know, I'm a major crybaby. But this is my blog and I can whine if I want to!

On a less self-centered note, my friend J had her lap today at 1:00 and I'm hoping all went well! She's had other surgeries before so she'll probably be less of a baby than me about it :)

Hey, it's almost time to go home, and that means it's almost officially FRIDAY! Woot.

Back to work

Yesterday was my first day back at work, and what a day it was. I got in at 10 a.m. and was promptly told by several people that I looked terrible. I thanked them for their kindness and plopped down at my desk for about 3.5 hours before my ex-boss sent me home (my new boss is on vacation). That was actually a godsend because I FELT terrible. On hubs's orders I laid down as soon as I got home and stayed away from the computer all night. I even took a nap, and I am not a good napper. When hubs got home he insisted I stay put until bed time, at which point I popped 2 benadryl to make sure I slept like the dead, and I did!

Today I'm tired, a little sore and a lot swollen, but feeling MUCH better than I was yesterday (I even had to take a percocet last night which I hadn't done since Sunday). I came in at 10 again today, but maybe this time I'll make it to the end of the day!

There's not really much to talk about right now... I am SUPER behind on Christmas shopping, but I think that's par for the course. I'll probably try to head out to Tar.get tonight so I can get something for the gift exchange we're doing at work on Friday, and the book exchange some friends and I are doing tomorrow night. Then I can finish all the other shopping this weekend. Ugh... whose idea was it to schedule my lap a few weeks before Christmas again? Oh right... mine. A friend of mine is getting hers done tomorrow, I feel really sorry for her.

Oh question - I got my lap done on CD 15 and bled a little lighter than a period for about 6 days. Do you think I'll still bleed heavily when AF arrives next week? Just curious how wretched I'm going to feel on Christmas :P At least maybe my cramps might not be as bad as usual, huh?

Back to work I go. Happy Hump Day!

Soul-searching on a Monday

A thought occurred to me today. I thought, "What if my lap and removal of the endo actually does the trick and I get pregnant?" As soon as the notion entered my mind I tried to stifle it with my usual pessimism, but not before a wave of nervous/excited butterflies went over me. It was the first time in a long time that I had a moment, albeit only half a second, of pure hope. It felt good.

Sitting at home the past several days hasn't been easy. Although I've been off meds for almost three years now, the battle against depression rages on, and spending long stretches of time indoors doesn't help matters one bit. Today I watched Ju.lie & Jul.ia and teared up about 4 times, and not just at the parts that illustrated Julia Child's infertility. But it got me thinking; I've been spending the past two years of my life with tunnel vision - focused on the singular goal of getting pregnant. What's going to happen when I finally reach my goal? Being a mom will be amazing, but I know that motherhood alone won't make me feel satisfied in my existence. And please don't think I mean to belittle anyone for whom motherhood is/will be the culmination of all their hopes and dreams. Believe me, it's a major part of who I want to be. It's just that, like my own mother, being a mom isn't the only thing I want out of life, and it never has been.

But what will satisfy me? Certainly not working at the bank and living my small life in our tiny house in the town I've lived in for 29 years. All I know about Julia Child I learned from watching the movie today, but it seems to me she lived an exciting life full of passion and love. I want that too. But I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Isn't it funny how most fertiles probably don't think about these things to the extent that we IFers do? They think, "I want to have children." And then they do. And then they worry about what else they want to do with their lives, if anything. But they don't have to put these thoughts on hold until they find out if their next test or treatment works. For them, the wait to decide in what direction they want their lives to go isn't indefinite.

I suppose I'm just feeling down in the dumps after spending an entire day by myself, bored out of my head. But what a perfect time for the thoughts that have been hovering just below the surface of my consciousness for some time to make their appearance. I'm almost 30 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. How the hell am I going to figure it out?

On the slow train

Well today is looking like it's going to be my last day on the couch. Possibly. Maybe. Here's the skinny: My abdomen is still extremely swollen and uncomfortable. It's a bit better than it was the first few days - where the skin was stretched SO tightly over my gut that I couldn't lie down flat on my back - but it's still really uncomfortable. My goal was to be able to get completely dressed today, but there's no way I'll be able to get my jeans buttoned over this belly! Also, I'm flippin' exhausted. I got up slowly at 10:30, took a shower and got dressed, and by the time I was done I had to sit down immediately. My hair is still wet and it's 11:30. I'm still a bit sore too, but I haven't taken any pain pills today. The doctor gave me percocet for the pain and some insane amount of ibuprofen for the swelling; I think I'll take the ibuprofen today and see how I do without the percocet. Lord knows I won't be able to take it at work, I'd be so looped out and completely useless!

So I need to decide today whether I'm going to work tomorrow because they won't let me come back without a doctor's note, and I'll have to call the doc today to get it. I think I'll try to move around as much as possible today and see how I feel towards the end of the day. I feel like such a sissy! I really thought I'd be back to normal by now. Ugh.

Quickie

Lap is all done, hooray! We got home around 1:00 or 2:00 I think, I was pretty loopy so who knows! I remember waking up and being in pain, the nurse came in like 3 times to up my meds. But today I don't feel too bad. Just lying in bed watching movies and letting hubs wait on me :)

So the doctor told hubs and my mom that I had superficial endo, which he zapped out. Hmm... I hope that's what's causing my IF, but it doesn't seem likely, does it? I have my post-op in 2 weeks so I'll as the doc then.

Okay I'm heading back to bed. Today is movie day, I'm just finishing up Two Weeks Notice, not sure what's next yet, maybe something Christmassy.

Thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers everyone, you ladies are the best!

Our tree

Ta-daah! Here is our Christmas tree. We decided to put it up today since we've had it since Sunday, and I didn't want to wait until after the lap. Plus now I'll have something pretty to look at while I'm stuck on the couch! Sadly our new curtains make a horrible backdrop, especially since I have yet to re-hang the rod and they're too high off the floor. But what can you do? I promise they look better in person.

I've had all the ornaments since before hubs and I moved in together, and we are slowly accumulating more personal ornaments. But even after all these years I still really like my red, white and sparkly decorations. We don't have a topper yet, but we're planning on buying one this year.

Okay I need to head off to bed! I'll post in a day or two with a lap update. I hope they give me (or hubs) some info right afterwards. Good night!

Things 'n stuff

Don't you hate it when you really want to post something but you don't have much to say? Me too. Prepare for a hodgepodge!

My lap is in 2 days. 48 hours from now it will be over with and I'll be at home resting. Yes, I am nervous. Not that something bad will happen or anything, mostly about the pain and recovery. And okay, also to get the results. I have a bad feeling it's going to be "normal" just like everything else, but all I can do is wait.

Question - I am switching insurance at the first of the year to a plan that covers 50% IF diagnosis (still zip for treatment though). What does that mean as far as doctors are concerned? It's still an HMO, so I wonder if I can see an RE or if I just have to keep bugging my GYN for more tests. I suppose it depends on the doctor, huh? Guess I'll be doing more research soon!

It's almost time to go home, but today was a decent day. My two new underlings went shopping for department Christmas decorations. We are now the proud owners of the cutest little 4 foot fake tree you ever saw, a lighted wreath and garland, and various other chotchkies which are now displayed on all of our work stations. It's a varitable winter wonderland over here! Last year I made a holiday e-mailer to send out to the branches and a few customers with our faces photoshopped onto cartoon elf bodies, and I'm planning on doing something similar this year too. I'll post it here so you can all see my lovely ladies when it's done. :)

See, I AM trying to get into the holiday spirit! Haha ;)

It must be my lucky day

So far, today is going pretty great! (I feel like I'm jinxing myself just by saying that, how sad am I?) Here's why:

1. Did disaster recovery testing this morning for work and for the first time in 3 years we actually passed!!! AND it only took about an hour. This was my first year doing it myself, and I was the first one done. Oh yeah, and I got a chocolate Kr.ispy Kr.eme donut to boot. I haven't had one of those in years!

2. Came home and talked on the phone with my mom for an hour or so, and while we were chatting the mailman delivered my blinds and curtains!!! I put up the curtains but am going to have to lower the rod (when we moved in I didn't measure too well, so it's about 3 inches too high). They need to be de-wrinkled too, but I love them! They really are "black-out" curtains, but at the same time they're fairly lightweight. I can't wait until hubs gets home from work and we can hang the blinds. (He told me I have to wait for him, sigh.) So hopefully we can get a Christmas tree this week before I go in for the lap!

3. I also got my blood test results in the mail today. I tested negative for Celiac disease, which I already knew because I called the doctor's office yesterday, but it's nice to see it on paper. Yay!

4. I'm getting my hair cut at 1:30, can't wait!

5. My friend Tracy sent me a link to a gorgeous bridesmaid dress, and it's a really good price, too. I hope she decides that's the one she wants because I really, really like it! (See it here.)

6. A friend contacted me on FB letting me know she knew someone in my town who struggled with IF, learned the Creighton Model and was treated in the Omaha clinic, and eventually got pregnant, and that she'd be happy to hook me up with her for some info. That's cool because I am having a hell of a time finding an instructor in my area. I was actually thinking of getting certified myself (it takes a year) and making some extra cash on the side! Who knows, maybe I still will. :)

Okay, here's hoping my luck doesn't run out! Have a great weekend everyone!

Exploring my options

It's Friday, hooray! I have to come back to work tomorrow morning for testing. Boo! At least I don't have to be here until 9:00 though, hooray!

Today is pre-op day and I get to leave work at 2:30. I can't forget to have the doctor give me a note to give to work! HR made me do a leave of absence in case I'm gone longer than 3 days, since the doctor's office said recovery may be up to a week. I know, fascinating, right? Why am I telling you all this boring stuf? I don't know.

What I really want to talk about is the Creighton Model. Have you heard of it? It's basically a standardized and very detailed way to chart your CM & bleeding to try to achieve or avoid pregnancy, but it can also help determine problems getting pregnant. A few months ago I heard about this clinic in Omaha where they diagnose and treat causes of infertility (rather than utilizing ART - they use meds and surgery, but not IUI, IVF, etc.). The doctor there is a leader in the field and if you use the Creighton Model you can send him your charts to analyze. Then he suggests tests based on your charts, which many women get done at the Omaha clinic, but there are other doctors around the country that are familiar with the methodology as well.

So why am I interested in this? I read this peer-review study about the clinic and its practices and the thing that struck me the most was that during the study, 47% of women came to the clinic with a prior diagnosis of unexplained IF. After being evaluated there, only 0.5% were still unexplained. That's huge! So I emailed a semi-local woman who teaches the Creighton Model (apparently you have to be instructed how to do it) and I heard back from her today. She gave me some info and said she won't be doing any introductory sessions until at least January because she is busy with work (she's a nurse), which actually might be fine since December is such a crazy month anyway. I don't know how much she charges; from what I've read the instructors just charge whatever they want, anywhere from $20 for each session to $500 for the whole "course," so we'll see about that. Until then I think I might ask Dr. Google for more info!

I'm trying not to get myself overwhelmed, that happens pretty easily and I was all anxious about it yesterday. I still have to take things one step at a time, and right now I'm on the "get the lap" step. I just hope it gives me some answers! But, I guess it's good to know there are still other options to explore if it doesn't. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste any more time if I can help it.

As previously mentioned, it's FRIDAY!! I hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Humbug

I'm trying my best to get into the holiday spirit, but I gotta tell you, it's not easy. We're obviously TAB this month what with the lap next week, so I'm 99.9% sure AF will be visiting on Christmas day. On top of that, Christmas is just a stressful time in general. My in-laws have sooo many things going on Christmas Eve and day that I don't get any time to just enjoy myself. I am not looking forward to it one bit. And every time I bring it up to hubs, no matter how hard I try not to get upset about it, we get into a fight. I just wish we could skip right past December and move on to January.

There's one thing I am REALLY excited about though - our living room! We ordered new curtains and blinds yesterday. BLINDS!!! I am so excited I might pee my pants. We've had these accordian-fold temporary paper "blinds" in our windows for the past 6 months, and in just 3 to 6 business days my new wood blinds will be here! The curtains are awesome too. I've had these thin, cheap curtains up in our big window since we moved in. They're not quite wide enough to cover the whole window, and at one point Atticus tore a big hole in one, so that's fancy. But the new curtains are heavy and wide and are supposed to be energy-saving too, which is great because that window is 60 years old and really drafty. The best part is, we got all this stuff on sale for over 50% off! And now my living room is going to look like a REAL, grown-up living room! I can't wait!

I will try to focus on that instead of the stress of the holidays. Seeing everyone's Christmas tree and decoration photos actually helps too, so thank you! I'm getting kind of excited about going out and getting a tree, putting up the lights, etc. AND! This year I'll have new fancy curtains to frame my tree!!! Ahh... It's going to be heavenly.