12.30.2009

New leaf

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. I think that's because way back in elementary school I imagined what a year would look like if it was all drawn out on paper - a weird, wobbly kind of loop thing that not only didn't have the year starting in the correct place (it started in September), but, because in my head the year went in a circle (sort of) and not forward, it may have also really jacked up my way of thinking! And I never did get that image out of my head.

So yeah. I don't think of January as the beginning of the year, therefore I don't think about making resolutions. But this year I am.

2009 kind of sucked. And by "kind of sucked" I mean it was right up there with my first year of marriage which started with hubs getting laid off on my birthday and ended with us in marriage counseling. So, pretty sucky.

Obviously 2009 was the year I discovered I'm infertile, and of course that realization changed me. Truly it's very much like a loss, and I went (and am still going) through stages of grief. Denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression... It's only now that I'm barely starting to see a glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don't mean hope of getting pregnant necessarily, but hope that I can be happy. That one day all of this sadness and despair will be behind me and my life will be good.

I want 2010 to be the start of that good life. It's going to be a multi-step process:

-I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed all the time so I'm going to start taking better care of myself - starting with exercising regularly and eating better. (It's time to try out some new veggies!)

-I'm tired of being constantly sad and obsessing over my infertility, so I'm going to start focusing on happier things. Maybe start getting involved in more things that I enjoy.

-I'm going to remember that I am not a statistic! I'm an individual and my situation is different from anyone else's.

-I am going to go to church more often (even if I cry in the aisle in front of everyone).

I know, resolutions are supposed to be simple so that you have a chance of actually sticking to them, and I just listed 4 different things. But really it isn't so much - exercise, do stuff I like, go to church... Even if I only do one of those things it will be progress! So I'm not setting myself up for failure, I'm giving myself lots of room for success. :)

Now if I could just get my Wii already I could start on #1!

6 comments:

-my husband grows cotton- said...

I like your attitude! I love the Wii fit! I don't have one, but my MIL does and I play it all the time!

MotherHen said...

Those sound like good resolutions. I can help with the going to church part. Ok so maybe not so much. Maybe the excersise part?
~a

elephantscanremember said...

I love your attitude too! I will be doing all those things right along with you.

E said...

I highly recommend getting the Wii and Super Mario Bros. It is fun as hell!!

Emily said...

Love your ideas! Don't feel badly about crying in church... I think I cry EVERY week in church... the congregation gets used to it!! :-) Good Luck!

Steph O. said...

I like those. I agree w/Emily- the cong will get used to seeing you cry. Might even make a few people back off.

I esp like the thought of veiwing yourself as an individual, not a statistic.