12.14.2009

Soul-searching on a Monday

A thought occurred to me today. I thought, "What if my lap and removal of the endo actually does the trick and I get pregnant?" As soon as the notion entered my mind I tried to stifle it with my usual pessimism, but not before a wave of nervous/excited butterflies went over me. It was the first time in a long time that I had a moment, albeit only half a second, of pure hope. It felt good.

Sitting at home the past several days hasn't been easy. Although I've been off meds for almost three years now, the battle against depression rages on, and spending long stretches of time indoors doesn't help matters one bit. Today I watched Ju.lie & Jul.ia and teared up about 4 times, and not just at the parts that illustrated Julia Child's infertility. But it got me thinking; I've been spending the past two years of my life with tunnel vision - focused on the singular goal of getting pregnant. What's going to happen when I finally reach my goal? Being a mom will be amazing, but I know that motherhood alone won't make me feel satisfied in my existence. And please don't think I mean to belittle anyone for whom motherhood is/will be the culmination of all their hopes and dreams. Believe me, it's a major part of who I want to be. It's just that, like my own mother, being a mom isn't the only thing I want out of life, and it never has been.

But what will satisfy me? Certainly not working at the bank and living my small life in our tiny house in the town I've lived in for 29 years. All I know about Julia Child I learned from watching the movie today, but it seems to me she lived an exciting life full of passion and love. I want that too. But I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Isn't it funny how most fertiles probably don't think about these things to the extent that we IFers do? They think, "I want to have children." And then they do. And then they worry about what else they want to do with their lives, if anything. But they don't have to put these thoughts on hold until they find out if their next test or treatment works. For them, the wait to decide in what direction they want their lives to go isn't indefinite.

I suppose I'm just feeling down in the dumps after spending an entire day by myself, bored out of my head. But what a perfect time for the thoughts that have been hovering just below the surface of my consciousness for some time to make their appearance. I'm almost 30 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. How the hell am I going to figure it out?

10 comments:

elephantscanremember said...

I am going to watch that movie tomorrow. I can't wait!

Everything you just posted, I have thought too. (Hugs) It's sad that we have to question ourselves so much.

I am almost 32 and still don't know what I want to do. I've been waiting four years to become a mother, and that hasn't happened. I guess a part of me feels that I will fail at anything else I may try too.

Steph O. said...

I've often pondered that myself. I think that I'll get my greatest happiness in life by passing on what I am passionate about to my children. If I can't... I dunno.

I'm beginning to feel hopeful about this next year. I hope it'll happen for both of us!

E said...

I often thought the same thing. But, it was soooooooo hard to "not think about it." It was so hard to "put it our your mind and focus on other things." Although, I did just that a few times only lasting for a month or so, but it was so nice to have a reprieve.

Misty Dawn said...

It can happen, keep your head high. I know a couple of girls that got PG after their laps and removal of Endo. I cried during Julia and Julie too, esp when she was crying about IF. (((HUGS)))

Emily said...

I think we have all been there - thinking what you are thinking? What is my purpose, how will I feel if/when I have children, etc? I think you are on the right track - you know what you are looking for, now you just have to sort through your feelings and figure out what you really want in life!!! (((HUGS)))

Kate said...

Hey Kitty - sorry to hear that you're struggling to find your passion... I wish I had the answer for you, but I think it's a path you have to travel. A very good friend used to tell that when you first wake up in the morning and you're still a little foggy be aware of what you'd like to do that day (as in if you didn't have any other responsibilities/obligations) and that should lead you to your passion. Kind of cliche` but worth a shot maybe??

Kristin said...

If you figure it out, let me know. I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life. Its irritating

Sweet Pea said...

I guess we all struggle with that thought. I always thought I would be a mother and everything else would fall into place after that. It gets harder when your plans do not work our like you intended and you have to search your soul for answers. Sometimes they are right there in front of you ...

(((HUGS)))

Lookingforaplussign said...

I'm right with you. Actually, I kinda freaked out a bit this past weekend.

E said...

Lol, my passion when I first wake up is wanting to go back to bed. What does that tell me?

hehe.