Sitting at home the past several days hasn't been easy. Although I've been off meds for almost three years now, the battle against depression rages on, and spending long stretches of time indoors doesn't help matters one bit. Today I watched Ju.lie & Jul.ia and teared up about 4 times, and not just at the parts that illustrated Julia Child's infertility. But it got me thinking; I've been spending the past two years of my life with tunnel vision - focused on the singular goal of getting pregnant. What's going to happen when I finally reach my goal? Being a mom will be amazing, but I know that motherhood alone won't make me feel satisfied in my existence. And please don't think I mean to belittle anyone for whom motherhood is/will be the culmination of all their hopes and dreams. Believe me, it's a major part of who I want to be. It's just that, like my own mother, being a mom isn't the only thing I want out of life, and it never has been.
But what will satisfy me? Certainly not working at the bank and living my small life in our tiny house in the town I've lived in for 29 years. All I know about Julia Child I learned from watching the movie today, but it seems to me she lived an exciting life full of passion and love. I want that too. But I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Isn't it funny how most fertiles probably don't think about these things to the extent that we IFers do? They think, "I want to have children." And then they do. And then they worry about what else they want to do with their lives, if anything. But they don't have to put these thoughts on hold until they find out if their next test or treatment works. For them, the wait to decide in what direction they want their lives to go isn't indefinite.
I suppose I'm just feeling down in the dumps after spending an entire day by myself, bored out of my head. But what a perfect time for the thoughts that have been hovering just below the surface of my consciousness for some time to make their appearance. I'm almost 30 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. How the hell am I going to figure it out?