4.15.2010

Bitter, party of one

This C has got me back on the bitter train. If you're having a bad day also, you probably won't want to read this.

I'm jealous of all the pregnant ladies I know IRL, and I dread seeing or talking to them. I am angry at everyone who gets pregnant without trying.

I'm pissed at my mom for not telling me sooner that she started menopause at 38. I'm pissed that she and my sister each had 4 kids with no effort and I can't even have one. And I'm angry and hurt that neither of them ever asks me how I'm doing with all this.

I am angry that it's been over 2 years, three humiliating, uncomfortable and painful procedures, several useless tests, and I have absolutely NOTHING to show for it. Oh, except for the dark scars on my abdomen that will shine like beacons during bikini season. I'm angry at my doctor for not cutting a few inches lower.

I am furious that my surgery did nothing to ease my menstrual pain, much less improve my fertility. I'm angry that I still have no answers. I'm pissed that it costs SO MUCH MONEY just to try to improve my chances of getting pregnant. In all this talk of health care reform, do you think any of it will benefit women in our situation??

I'm even bitter about fellow IFers who get their BFP after TTC for less time than I have.

And I hate myself for being so angry and bitter and jealous. I hate that it takes so much effort for me to be optimistic, and even sometimes to just be nice.

I'm sick and tired of the IF ride. It's scary, painful, and depressing, and I want OFF.

9 comments:

Rain Child said...

There are many of us, including me, who are bitter right along side of you! IF sucks ass. I am sorry that you have to go through this.

Sweet Pea said...

I am a bitter woman myself. I guess I just never had the balls to say it to anyone.

(((HUGS))

Steph O. said...

Your feelings are totally justified. I feel downright insane some days due to the same feelings. It's not right, so go ahead & let it out!

(((((HUGS)))))

Allison said...

Oh dear heart, you are NOT alone.

I'm at that table with you. Granted, I'm drunk as a skunk, but I'm there.

Wish I could ease your pain. ((hugs))

Kate said...

You're not alone in your feelings - I think everyone that's struggled with IF has dealt with these feelings. I think it's a normal part of working through things - just like the stages of grief, I think there are stages of IF.

I hope you can work through them relatively quickly.

elephantscanremember said...

(Hugs) I've been through all that too and still deal with it. (I thought I was the only one jealous of other IF'ers who get pregnant after trying less than I have.)

Let it out! We are here for you.

E said...

Sorry Kitty. Your feelings are definitely understandable.

((hugs)) I wish I could wave a wand for all of you.

Laura said it right when she said IF sucks monkey balls.

Lookingforaplussign said...

I'm bitter, too. Thanks for vocalizing what many of us feel and think.

^J^ said...

You are so not alone. I am bitter Betty, and you took the words right out of my mouth.

I wish I could heal your hurt & your heart. Many (((hugs)))!