11.03.2009

I need a brain-cation

My brain is all over the place lately. I'm up, I'm down, I'm thinking about work, family, friends, the holidays, my doctor's appointments, my lap... And over all of it is the dark IF cloud. I go back and forth between feeling hopeful that I may get pg some day, that maybe the lap will help, and then thinking, "who am I kidding?" - it's never going to happen, the lap is going to be a waste of time, and I'll be stuck in "unexplained" limbo land until we have the money to pay for ART. There isn't much time every day that I'm not thinking about IF in some way or other. It's consuming me and it's not getting better with time.

I'm pretty good at "faking it" when I'm not immediately faced with it - like at grown-up parties where there are no kids around and girls' night out after the moms have gone home to their families. But when the topic of babies and children comes up, the cloud settles right back over me. And of course it's worse when the kids are actually there.

If only my desire to procreate was like a light switch. I could just shut it off whenever it became too much for me. That would really be a load off. When people talk about their children I could just think about messy diapers, spit-up and drool, and not feel like I'm missing out on something huge. Or like I'm this inferior model of "human woman" - I look just like everyone else, but no matter how hard I try to make them, my parts just don't quite work the way they should.

I know the only thing I can do is try to keep my mind off it, stay busy. When I have something fun to look forward to it's a lot easier not to dwell on my bum reproductive system. But right now all I have to look forward to is a busy month at work, followed by the dreaded Holiday Season. (Clarification - IF is not the main reason I'm dreading the holidays, but that's for another post.) I know life isn't always full of fun, exciting things. I'm just feeling stuck, and I guess what I really want is something fulfilling in my life.

...And back to work I go.

6 comments:

Rain Child said...

Kit,
I am so sorry you are having a hard day and feeling stuck. Those are hard thoughts to be having! It's so frustrating when our bodies betray us. (((HUG))) I am right there with you!

elephantscanremember said...

I could have written most of that myself. It's awful. Infertility sux balls.

I hope you can get out from under this cloud very soon.

Let's both find some sort of fulfillment. We owe it to ourselves.

Allison said...

Is it weird to long for poopy diapers?....

sigh

((((Hugs))))

Emily said...

I agree - keeping busy is a must for me during IF. I find myself inventing projects and making lists of things that really, no one should ever want or desire to do. I hope you are able to move forward soon and get some answers. In the meantime, lean on us!!!

Caitlin said...

((hugs))

I'm in that up-and-down feeling as well. Have you found a new hobby yet? I know you were in the market for one a couple of months back.

I've kind of given up - or rather not been in the right frame of mind for painting lately, so I'm sure I'm not much help. Do you like scrapbooking? Maybe throw yourself into that and scrapbook the trip you and your DH took in September? That might help keep your mind occupied.

E said...

It is impossible to fill that void, and if you can it will only be short term. My therapist said that not being able to have a child leads people to feeling very unfilled and that we have to find a way to fill that void.

But, it it impossible until you have that baby.

((hugs))

IF is really painful and dark and emotional. It is so much all at one time.