I don't wanna do any work today. Sadly, I have to! But I can take a break :)
So you already know I'm a pessimist. But I'm going to put this out there - I am SUCH a pessimist that I'm actually afraid to think positively. In my warped mind, I think if I dare to hope then I'm automatically destined to fail. That the hope/optimism causes the failure. And I'm really afraid of how I'll feel if I spend 3 weeks building up hope for a C only to have AF show up. Let's face it, I'm depressed and have been for 5 years now. It's a chemical imbalance, it's hereditary, and I doubt it will ever go away entirely. In my mind, it's safer for me to maintain a steady level of pessimism than to get my hopes up and risk a major meltdown. I can't really explain why that is. I know I would never harm myself or anyone else, but I guess maybe I'm afraid of going back into that deep, dark depression, and not being able to get out on my own.
Obviously there's a problem with that way of thinking. I just can't go on being unhappy all the time. It sucks for me, it sucks for hubs, and it probably sucks for everyone else that loves me too. So my goal for this C is to try to think positively (emphasis on try). I'm not going to go out and buy baby clothes or anything, I just want to start thinking, "this could happen" instead of "this won't happen." If AF shows up I'm going to be depressed regardless. Isn't it better to try not to be depressed all month until then, than to constantly be pessimistic and down? It simply has to be better for my mental state than what I've been doing...right?
Since I refuse to go back on antidepressants unless it's absolutely necessary (the sexual side effects were awful for me, and really not conducive to TTC), my doc says I have to exercise to give my happy chemicals a boost. I've never been very active, so this is a real challenge for me, but I'm going to start tonight. This dang time change prevents me from doing anything outdoors after work, so I'll be doing yoga and other exercises that are indoor-friendly during the week. Then on the weekends I'll try to get hubs to go on bike rides with me or something. Hopefully this will help me keep a more optimistic outlook. If I succeed (or should I say when? haha), even if AF shows up I hope to feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I don't always have to be sad and hopeless. Fingers crossed.
In other news, my annual went well yesterday. My doc is ordering the blood test for Celiac disease, so hopefully I'll be able to rule that out soon. No big plans this weekend - just working around the house, and taking poor Catticus to the vet. He has another ear infection :( I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend before the 2 weeks of craziness starts up at work on Monday. Hope everyone is having a fab Friday :)