11.06.2009

More plans for this C

I don't wanna do any work today. Sadly, I have to! But I can take a break :)

So you already know I'm a pessimist. But I'm going to put this out there - I am SUCH a pessimist that I'm actually afraid to think positively. In my warped mind, I think if I dare to hope then I'm automatically destined to fail. That the hope/optimism causes the failure. And I'm really afraid of how I'll feel if I spend 3 weeks building up hope for a C only to have AF show up. Let's face it, I'm depressed and have been for 5 years now. It's a chemical imbalance, it's hereditary, and I doubt it will ever go away entirely. In my mind, it's safer for me to maintain a steady level of pessimism than to get my hopes up and risk a major meltdown. I can't really explain why that is. I know I would never harm myself or anyone else, but I guess maybe I'm afraid of going back into that deep, dark depression, and not being able to get out on my own.

Obviously there's a problem with that way of thinking. I just can't go on being unhappy all the time. It sucks for me, it sucks for hubs, and it probably sucks for everyone else that loves me too. So my goal for this C is to try to think positively (emphasis on try). I'm not going to go out and buy baby clothes or anything, I just want to start thinking, "this could happen" instead of "this won't happen." If AF shows up I'm going to be depressed regardless. Isn't it better to try not to be depressed all month until then, than to constantly be pessimistic and down? It simply has to be better for my mental state than what I've been doing...right?

Since I refuse to go back on antidepressants unless it's absolutely necessary (the sexual side effects were awful for me, and really not conducive to TTC), my doc says I have to exercise to give my happy chemicals a boost. I've never been very active, so this is a real challenge for me, but I'm going to start tonight. This dang time change prevents me from doing anything outdoors after work, so I'll be doing yoga and other exercises that are indoor-friendly during the week. Then on the weekends I'll try to get hubs to go on bike rides with me or something. Hopefully this will help me keep a more optimistic outlook. If I succeed (or should I say when? haha), even if AF shows up I hope to feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I don't always have to be sad and hopeless. Fingers crossed.

In other news, my annual went well yesterday. My doc is ordering the blood test for Celiac disease, so hopefully I'll be able to rule that out soon. No big plans this weekend - just working around the house, and taking poor Catticus to the vet. He has another ear infection :( I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend before the 2 weeks of craziness starts up at work on Monday. Hope everyone is having a fab Friday :)

5 comments:

Caitlin said...

Poor Atticus!

I know how you feel. Can you tell from my recent posts, that I am falling deeper and deeper? I feel like Alice and the rabbit hole.

I agree that it just takes the right attitude...and thinking more optimistically is probably the first step! I'm glad you want to take strides to get mentally healthy. Let me know how the exercise works hun. :)

((hugs))

E said...

I completely understand. My attitude is very similiar. If I don't get my hopes up, well then there isn't much to let down is there?

As far as being happy "by choice" well, I don't think it works that way. Certainly we can control how positive we want to think or we may *want* to think more positively but the depression won't allow that. The brain is rewired to think differently.

I don't know. That is what I have been doing. Merely protecting myself by not allowing myself to hope too much. This way if it doesn't work out, I wont' hurt nearly as bad as if I had been fooled into thinking it was going to work out. KWIM?

My counsilor kept trying to "rewire" my way of thinking. The only thing that helped me was Zoloft. It has affected my sexual desire somewhat but not enough for me to say this isn't worth it.

Hang in there Kit. You know what is best for you.

elephantscanremember said...

Self preservation. It sounds like you have perfected it like I have. It's much easier to not expect something to work out. It doesn't hurt as much.

(I was cautiously optimistic about this crapping cycle and look what happened! It had the courtesy to crap all over me. So much for having hope...)

Yes, I am in a funk and will be for some time. :(

^J^ said...

Good luck, girl! I've been there, heck somedays I'm still there ;) But, its good that you are aware of it and want to try and get it under control.

((hugs))

Emily said...

I think we all have felt times when we just decide not to hope b/c it's just easier to cope. But I'm glad that you are focusing on yourself and trying to make a change. Hang in there!