6.08.2010

Winding up, winding down

Last night was rough, and I had a bit of a breakdown. It was one of those moments where I was tired of the whole TTC game and just wanted to throw in the towel already. And, okay, that moment is still going. Honestly ladies, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this anymore.

By today, I'm usually gearing myself up for the BD marathon, mustering as much enthusiasm and hope as I possibly can. Pulling it out of my pockets if I can't find it anywhere else. But instead all I can think about is what Dr. K said on the phone last week about our odds of conceiving naturally: One in a thousand each month. Most IFers take that as their cue to up their odds with treatments, but I'm scared. IUI would be it for us, as I don't want to do IVF, and from what I've read, each medicated IUI cycle would boost our monthly odds to about one in ten for the first three cycles. That's our best shot: a total of a 30% chance, if we can manage to pay for three IUIs.

I'm scared because I know how I feel throughout a natural cycle - the buildup of hope, the driving myself crazy wondering for two weeks, and the inevitable let down when AF arrives quite punctually despite our impeccable timing. How much worse will I feel if medical intervention doesn't work? I imagine a lot worse, and I don't know if I can take that.

But I also don't know if I can keep going the way we are. I feel like I've been in the exact same place for two years. When am I going to move on with my life? Can I move on with my life if we're still TTC?

Moving on to treatments feels like the last step in our TTC journey, regardless of the outcome. In a sense, that's a relief. If IUI doesn't work I don't think I can go back to trying naturally indefinitely; I don't like this feeling that it's never going to end. As cliche as it sounds, IF has taken a lot out of me and a lot from me, and I'm starting to feel very empty.

Anyway, I guess I know what I have to do - see about taking my dad up on his offer to help out financially. Hopefully going through a few cycles of treatments will bring some closure, if nothing else.

8 comments:

Emily said...

(((HUGS))) It's a big step and a big decision, and one that only you and your DH can make together. Many prayers...

elephantscanremember said...

I couldn't even tell you how many times I've written a post like this. (Hugs) It is exasperating! All those emotions, which are oftentimes conflicting, are enough to wear a person out. If you're anything like I am, you will trudge through, and move on to the next step naturally. I had to accept certain things more and more often before I got to where I am now.

You're right about treatment being the last step and when it fails, it does hurt. It hurt me badly, but you know what? I am that much stronger for having made it through it. I have faith in you that you will make it too. ;)

MotherHen said...

(((hugs))) I'm praying for you.

Christina said...

Good luck with whatever you decide! {{HUGS}}

^J^ said...

It's a crap-ass decision, I know! I hope you and hubby can decide what works best for your situation. Don't let anyone rush you...take the time you need to think about it and pray about it. I will be praying for clarity for you! {{{hugs}}}

Allison said...

(((((Kitty))))) You most definitely are cut out for this, and you will be strong and perservere through this b.s., too.

I hate IF extra-much today. I really do.

Daisy83808 said...

(((HUGS))) That decision is so hard to make. Negatives on an IUI cycle are really hard, but actually 30% sounds pretty good. They told us 20%. I know that for us, if we didn't try the IUIs, I know we would have regreted it. Looking back, having done 2 with both negatives, I am glad we did it. I would have been sad if we didn't try everything that we were willing to try (we also decided IVF was not for us at this time). But 2 was all I could handle. I couldn't emotionally do another. You have to do what you and DH feel is best for your family!

Sweet Pea said...

It is a very hard decision to make. I think you will know in your heart what is the best choice for you & the hubs. (((HUGS))