Last night was rough, and I had a bit of a breakdown. It was one of those moments where I was tired of the whole TTC game and just wanted to throw in the towel already. And, okay, that moment is still going. Honestly ladies, I'm not sure I'm cut out for this anymore.
By today, I'm usually gearing myself up for the BD marathon, mustering as much enthusiasm and hope as I possibly can. Pulling it out of my pockets if I can't find it anywhere else. But instead all I can think about is what Dr. K said on the phone last week about our odds of conceiving naturally: One in a thousand each month. Most IFers take that as their cue to up their odds with treatments, but I'm scared. IUI would be it for us, as I don't want to do IVF, and from what I've read, each medicated IUI cycle would boost our monthly odds to about one in ten for the first three cycles. That's our best shot: a total of a 30% chance, if we can manage to pay for three IUIs.
I'm scared because I know how I feel throughout a natural cycle - the buildup of hope, the driving myself crazy wondering for two weeks, and the inevitable let down when AF arrives quite punctually despite our impeccable timing. How much worse will I feel if medical intervention doesn't work? I imagine a lot worse, and I don't know if I can take that.
But I also don't know if I can keep going the way we are. I feel like I've been in the exact same place for two years. When am I going to move on with my life? Can I move on with my life if we're still TTC?
Moving on to treatments feels like the last step in our TTC journey, regardless of the outcome. In a sense, that's a relief. If IUI doesn't work I don't think I can go back to trying naturally indefinitely; I don't like this feeling that it's never going to end. As cliche as it sounds, IF has taken a lot out of me and a lot from me, and I'm starting to feel very empty.
Anyway, I guess I know what I have to do - see about taking my dad up on his offer to help out financially. Hopefully going through a few cycles of treatments will bring some closure, if nothing else.