Ringing in the New Year

I would have created something lovely to share with you for the New Year, but I didn't think of it until today and sadly I don't have Photoshop at work! So here's something I pilfered off the interweb. :)

Now for some mush...

2009 was a particularly difficult year for many of us, but I can't count it as a complete loss. I am so happy and grateful to have met all of you wonderful women. You've helped me through one of the hardest times of my life (not that it's over yet!), and without your amazing support and encouragement, as cliche as it is to say, I would truly be lost today.

I hope that 2010 brings us all something wonderful, whatever it may be!

New leaf

I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions. I think that's because way back in elementary school I imagined what a year would look like if it was all drawn out on paper - a weird, wobbly kind of loop thing that not only didn't have the year starting in the correct place (it started in September), but, because in my head the year went in a circle (sort of) and not forward, it may have also really jacked up my way of thinking! And I never did get that image out of my head.

So yeah. I don't think of January as the beginning of the year, therefore I don't think about making resolutions. But this year I am.

2009 kind of sucked. And by "kind of sucked" I mean it was right up there with my first year of marriage which started with hubs getting laid off on my birthday and ended with us in marriage counseling. So, pretty sucky.

Obviously 2009 was the year I discovered I'm infertile, and of course that realization changed me. Truly it's very much like a loss, and I went (and am still going) through stages of grief. Denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression... It's only now that I'm barely starting to see a glimmer of hope on the horizon. I don't mean hope of getting pregnant necessarily, but hope that I can be happy. That one day all of this sadness and despair will be behind me and my life will be good.

I want 2010 to be the start of that good life. It's going to be a multi-step process:

-I'm tired of feeling anxious and stressed all the time so I'm going to start taking better care of myself - starting with exercising regularly and eating better. (It's time to try out some new veggies!)

-I'm tired of being constantly sad and obsessing over my infertility, so I'm going to start focusing on happier things. Maybe start getting involved in more things that I enjoy.

-I'm going to remember that I am not a statistic! I'm an individual and my situation is different from anyone else's.

-I am going to go to church more often (even if I cry in the aisle in front of everyone).

I know, resolutions are supposed to be simple so that you have a chance of actually sticking to them, and I just listed 4 different things. But really it isn't so much - exercise, do stuff I like, go to church... Even if I only do one of those things it will be progress! So I'm not setting myself up for failure, I'm giving myself lots of room for success. :)

Now if I could just get my Wii already I could start on #1!

Jonesin'

For my birthday - in July - my mom got me a Wii Fit. I'd used my brother's and LOVED it, and had been casually saying to my mom that I wanted to get one. I honestly was not dropping hints, because I don't actually even have a Wii. So since I got the Wii Fit, hubs and I have been planning on getting a Wii for Christmas. We cashed in some points on a credit card and got a gift card to B.est Bu.y. I already had another gift card I'd been holding on to forever, and the rest we got for Christmas. We now have more than enough in free money to get ourselves the coveted Wii!

Unfortunately, of the 6 Be.st Bu.ys in a 60 mile radius, not one has a single Wii in stock! They say they'll get more in this week, but they don't know which day.

Can I tell you how much I've been itching to use my Wii Fit??? A LOT. For months! They better have them in before the weekend, I need something to do on Saturday while hubs is at work.

Speaking of 'doing' and 'hubs'... I can't believe that today is CD7 already and the BDing will pretty much begin tonight. AF is gone and my libido has taken her place - I just hope it sticks around for a couple weeks! I can't deny that my hopes are up this C. I'm trying to keep it in check, but I have to admit it feels good to be hopeful and excited for once. I'll worry about being disappointed after I ovulate. Until then I'll continue sipping my green tea and daydreaming about ways to make BD fun...

Christmas

Our Christmas was very nice. Busy of course, what with the trapsing all over town to attend every possible event, but it was EXTREMELY helpful that it was the weekend - we didn't feel nearly as rushed as usual. They should seriously consider making Christmas fall on a Friday every year!

I won't go into all the boring details, I've lamented the craziness of holidays with my in-laws to you enough already! But there are two things I'd like to share.

1. On Christmas day, hubs and I went to mass for the first time since probably Easter. I was really looking forward to it, kind of hoping for some peace or wisdom, or some kind of something from God. Well, about halfway through, the priest invited all the children up to the altar while he prepared communion. At first I was totally fine, but eventually I started getting emotional. I held the tears back for a while, but then it was time for the Lord's Prayer, at which point everyone holds hands - even reaching across the aisle - and sings. Well, I was sitting on the aisle, and across from me was a little old lady who was very cognizant of the fact that I was having a hard time keeping it together. She looked at me sympathetically, and while we were holding hands she kept squeezing mine. After we started singing, I lost it. I was literally standing in the middle of church, right in the aisle, with tears running down my cheeks, and a little old lady squeezing my hand the whole time. (Yes, hubs was squeezing my other hand.) I don't really even know why I was crying, but she was trying to comfort me. I wish I would have said thank you, but I did squeeze her hand back, so hopefully she knows.

2. On Saturday, hubs and I went to see some friends at their new house. Well, when we got there we quickly realized it was all guys, no wives or girlfriends anywhere! Except me of course. We planned on having one beer each and then running off, but it turned out to be really fun and we stuck around for a little while. At one point some of the guys started asking about my lap, and saying how much they hoped we'd be able to have kids. Granted, they were getting drunk (they were in that semi-emotional state), but it was still nice to have the support! And they never would have brought it up if they didn't care a little, no matter how drunk they were :) So I thought it was cool. Hubs has some good friends!

So now it's back to the grind. I seriously didn't want to get up this morning, and it didn't help that it was overcast and darker than usual. If you're working I hope your day is going by fast, and if you're off I hope you're enjoying your day to the fullest!

I'll post about Christmas tomorrow!

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a dinner party with all your favorite IF bloggy friends? My house is so small that we can't fit more than 6 or 8 people inside at the same time comfortably, much less all seated at one table, and I longingly dream of having a real dinner party one day! I have a lovely table that expands to seat 10 and was owned by my grandparents in the 50's, and I often think about adding more place settings to my service-for-eight wedding china. I love to browse for serving platters, party china, wine glasses and table cloths. I imagine theme nights and menus of simple but delicious foods paired with wonderful wines.

Since I can't have a proper dinner party inside my home, I fantasize about setting it up in our backyard. Our backyard is quite large, at least it is for Southern California, and we've put a lot of work into making it conducive to outdoor entertaining. It still has a long way to go before it fits our vision, but it's definitely come a long way from when we bought the house. In my dream, I have the table set out in the middle of the grass. Gold twinkle lights, or something more dramatic like those vintage-looking bubble-shaped clear glass bulbs, are somehow suspended over the table (somehow, because in reality we have nothing that would support them), and white candles and elegant flowers are arranged along the middle of the table. The table itself is adorned with some kind of clever and attractive linen arrangement, not necessarily one solid cloth covering the whole thing, and my wedding china, silverware and wine glasses are set out. And don't forget the pretty place cards at each setting!

Dinner would start at sunset, with all the guests dressed to the nines - the women wearing formal but light summery dresses, the men in suits, but looking casual sans ties, and shoes are optional for everyone. The food is is a big hit, the wine flows, and sparkling conversation and laughter abound into the night...

That's my dinner party fantasy. Anyone want to come? :)

Survey says...

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I like wrapping gifts in paper if I have time. I think it's always more fun to tear into wrapping paper!

2. Real tree or artificial? REAL. Even if I wanted an artificial tree hubs would never allow it!

3. When do you put up the tree? Whenever we get around to it! This year it was the day before my lap, so the 9th. Kind of early for us.

4. When do you take the tree down? A couple days after Christmas. This year we're planning on having a "Burn Your Tree" party, so it might get to stay up a little later than usual. (Don't worry, we're going to cut the trees up and burn them in the fire pit.)

5. Do you like eggnog? It's okay. I used to love it as a kid but I haven't had it in years.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Not sure about a favorite, but I remember getting a "premie" Cabbage Patch Kid when I was 5 that I loved.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My dad. He has SO MUCH STUFF already, I never know what to get him. This year I think I did pretty good though... I hope!!

8. Easiest person to buy for? I must be a terrible Christmas shopper because I don't think ANYONE is easy!

9. Do you have a nativity scene? No.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail is way more fun. I try to make and mail ours every year.

11. Worst Christmas ever? The only thing that comes to mind is having the flu with my brother one year when we were little kids.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? White Christmas. My friend, her mom and I watch it together every year.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Haha, as if I'm that organized! Cute. Ummm this year I did almost all my shopping last Saturday. Granted, it's going to be a "light" year!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Of course! It's good for the environment ;)

15 .Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Green bean casserole. I think I said the same thing for Thanksgiving. I just LOVE it! Mmm...

16. Lights on the tree? Yep, white ones.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Santa Baby.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? We stay in town, but don't let that fool you. We definitely won't be home for most of the day!

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Nope.

20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Morning, when we have gifts! Hubs already started playing his (a video game of course), but he says he has something for me. So at least I will have something to open. :)

21. Name one annoying thing about this time of the year. Just one??? Sorry, that was my inner grinch coming out! Umm... too many people on the roads making my commute hellacious.

22. Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't know about "favorite," but our tree always has the same theme because that's all the ornaments we have! It's red, white and sparkly.

23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Repeat of Thanksgiving! Mmm...

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? Nothing really. I mean, I did want a BFP but since that's not going to happen, I'm just wishing for one in 2010!

Come on!!!

Bah! Why must AF toy with my emotions so? I'm still just barely spotting and it is so GD annoying. Why can't she get her ass in gear already?!

Whew. Sorry, this PMS is brutal! I will now attempt to compose myself... Ahem.

(UPDATE: Woohoo!! AF finally got it together, and it's officially CD1!)

Yesterday I got some very exciting news - my friend A, who was the MOH in my wedding, and who's been with her boyfriend for ten years, got engaged on Monday!! We've been friends since HS and she's the only person I've ever considered my best friend (except hubs of course), but for the past couple of years we haven't been keeping in touch very well until recently. I'm so glad we're back in touch because I would have HATED to miss their engagement! They always knew they'd get married, but obviously it's been a long time coming and much-anticipated for both their families and friends. I joined her and a couple of her other friends last night for a champagne toast and a long look through her 4 year old wedding ideas binder, and it was a blast. They're going to get married for sure in 2010, possibly within the next several months! I am SO EXCITED for them!!!

Well, just one more day until Christmas. And yes, I have to work. Everyone else in the bank is leaving early tomorrow, but both of the departments I supervise will be here until after 3:30 (there's a good, semi-complicated reason, though). It's not too horrible, it'll most likely be DEAD, so we're going to be watching movies in the wire room! ("Elf" I think, and I freakin' love that movie!) We'll definitely have snacks and maybe a delish McD's breakfast too. Also, I work in a particularly professional environment, but they're letting us wear jeans! Amazing. All in all, it's not going to suck TOO much. (Knock on wood!)

Happy Christmas Eve-Eve!

I do believe...

...that AF might be showing her face a couple days early! Woohoo! I started spotting this afternoon, so hopefully she doesn't try anything tricky and just gets to flowing! I haven't been this excited to get my period in YEARS.

Question: Does anyone else get into this weird emotional state right before/at the beginning of AF? I'll have regular old mood swings for days before AF shows up, but very often I'll feel absolutely horrible about myself for a little while on CD1 or the day before, and it has nothing to do with TTC. I remember as a teenager I'd get the same feeling. Just like REALLY down, super low self-esteem, almost to the point of feeling guilty, over just anything. Or nothing at all. Is that weird or just normal PMS?

Wind and wishful thinking

Is anyone else having a really hard time focusing at work this week? I don't know if I'm delirious from lack of sleep, or just in a really good mood all of a sudden. But either way, I just have no interest in working on anything other that what immediately needs to be done.

Last night we had raging winds in our town, and HOLY CRAP was it loud! Our house isn't insulated and we have this giant star pine in our front yard that's old and tangled as all hell, so we had seed pods and gigantic needles (they're not like regular pine needles, they're like 18 inches long and 1/2 inch in diameter) pelting our roof, windows and walls all through the wee hours of the morning. This of course woke hubs and me up, as well as Atticus, who then decided since we were all awake it must be play time! Even as the wind died down, Atticus's playfulness didn't. His cuteness only works on me during waking hours, so I finally took his favorite toy (a stack of twistie-ties all smushed together) and put it in the living room for him to play with. Blessedly, that worked and I got a WHOLE HOUR to sleep before my alarm went off. I was probably awake for only an hour or so total, but I didn't sleep very well the night before either, so I can't wait until this weekend - 3 glorious days to sleep in!

I've been in a strangely optimistic mood since my lap. I keep having these visions of positive HPTs that I literally have to shake out of my head! I've decided to try really hard to stay calm and positive for the next 6 months (don't want to get overly excited, now). My new insurance will go into effect Jan 1, so that kind of helps my optimistic attitude too. If the lap didn't do the trick, at least I'll be able to get some more testing done. This is the best chance we've had yet to get pg, and just in case attitude really does make a difference (haha) I don't want to screw anything up!

Well, lucky for me it's really busy here today, so even though I don't want to jump into any big projects, I have enough that has to get done RIGHT NOW. The good thing is that my day is going by pretty fast so far.

Only 3 days 'til Christmas... Is everyone ready?

Post-Op

I just got back from my post op appointment and let me first say, I get that doctor's offices are busy at the end of the year, but I'm PMSed okay? And waiting for 35 minutes in the waiting room, followed by 25 minutes in the exam room for less than 5 minutes with the doctor is LAME.

Okay, rant over :)

So my doc says I had stage 2 endo (which to me sounds slightly more serious than "superficial" endo, but whatever). It was on my left ovary, pelvic wall and the side of my uterus. He said he "flushed" my tubes and they were perfectly clear, and everything else looked great. My best window of opportunity is the first 6-8 months, so as of the end of AF (the end of next week sometime), let the wild rumpus start!

Nooooo!!! (And the weekend)

I had a horrible night's sleep last night. That often happens on Sunday nights though, I'm sure it's usually anxiety-related. Well last night I woke up early with the chills. I could not get comfortable - I was either too cold or too hot. Then I had (TMI) what can only be described as "mud-butt" when I finally got up. YUCK. And I still can't get comfortable, I'm a little sweaty, too hot and too cold. The worst part is, one of my underlings called in sick today because she and both her kids have the stomach flu! So now I'm all paranoid that I'm getting sick. I brought my Emergen-C to work with me, but I doubt it will help if it is the stomach flu. I'm hoping it's just a coincidence because usually the flu hits fast and hard, and except for the hot flashes I'm not really feeling too bad. So maybe it's just PMS. Let's hope!! Send me some wellness vibes please!

This weekend was another quickie, wasn't it? Saturday hubs took me to see Ne.w Mo.on. He is so funny - I was whining to him the other day about how we never go to the movies anymore (and I LOVE going to the movies). On his days off during the week he'll go see the guy flicks that I don't want to see, but we don't go see anything together. So on Friday he said, "Do you want me to take you to see Ne.w Mo.on tomorrow?" Aww, what a guy!! Granted, he did make several hilariously snarky comments throughout the movie, but I think there was enough "action" to hold his attention a little bit. Afterwards we went out and finished our Christmas shopping and finally got our cards printed, so those are going in the mail today. Then we capped the day off by going to a friend's Christmas party.

I decided I'm giving my underlings cookies and brownies and whatnot instead of gifts, now that there are 4 of them, so on Sunday I spent almost the whole day at my parents' house baking with my mom (and also drinking wine, hehe). We made quite the variety - there are 3 kinds of cookies, brownies with mint chocolate candy topping, these super yummy pumpkin squares, cupcakes, triple chocolate cherry cake/squares, and fudge. And we were worried we wouldn't have enough!

I have my post-op appointment today, so I get to leave work at 3:00. My incisions are still sore, especially my belly button, but other than that I'm feeling pretty good. I'm not too swollen anymore so that's nice, I can almost wear my regular jeans again!

Okay I'm going to go take my Emergen-C because I just noticed that it says it has electrolytes, and that's always good when your intestines are working overtime. So it can't hurt, right? I hope it helps...

Happy Monday, for those of you working this week - I hope it goes by fast!!

Surprise

Today is a pretty fun day. We had a "secret santa" gift exchange within our department, and the person I bought for really liked the gift I gave her (who wouldn't? It was a Tar.get gift card!). I was a little worried because there were only 2 other gift cards given and all the other gifts were pretty personal! I didn't know my person very well, so I'm really glad she was happy with what I gave her. I haven't gotten my gift yet, because my secret santa left it at home! LOL. I hear it's good though :)

But that wasn't the surprise.

Last week as I was leaving work the day before my lap, I took the elevator with a few women in my extended department that I don't normally talk to. They have been known to be a bit gossipy, so I tend not to share ANY personal info with them (especially since I am technically "management"). But they knew I was having surgery, and of course they asked me about it. I was kind of vague at first, but one of them knew exactly what I was talking about and said she had it done too, so I ended up saying it was for infertility stuff. She then said that she tried to conceive for 3 years, had endo and was never able to get pregnant. I had actually heard that she'd dealt with IF, but I wasn't about to ask her about it, ya know?

Today the same lady came by my desk and asked how I was feeling and whatnot, so I told her the doc found some endo. She wished me the luck that she didn't have, and we talked a little more and laughed about how horrible IF testing can be, the HSG in particular. She then said she knows what a lonely road infertility is, how people don't get it unless they've been through it, and if I ever need to talk I know where to find her.

I almost started tearing up! I didn't expect that from her at all, how nice was that! I don't know how often I'd go cry on her shoulder or anything, but it's nice to know someone around here gets it.

So it's shaping up to be a decent day for me (knock on wood). The bank is having lunch catered for everyone in the corporate office, so that will be nice. We had breakfast along with our gift exchange too, so it's like "get fat day" at work. That's the holidays though!

I hope you are all having a nice Friday and are looking forward to a great weekend, now that your day is drawing to a close. I still have a few more hours here, and can't wait until 4:30!

I'm a whiny-pants

Since I have nothing useful or interesting to share at the moment, I will whine about how my guts still hurt from the lap. I had to LOL a little (gently!) at CJ's post about wanting to have sex already after her lap (which was on the same day as mine). Seriously, I can't even think about sex yet! I can barely WALK! You go, girl :)

So here is a list of things that make my still-swollen belly hurt:

-Sneezing. This is the WORST! My poor peepers are really sensitive to sunlight and I always sneeze when it's bright outside. Owieeee!

-Laughing. Last night hubs said something that made me laugh, and when he realized I thought it was funny, he kept going with it, even though I told him to knock it off because it friggin' HURT! No comedy in my life for a few more days please!

-Lying on my side. I am a side-sleeper, big time, so this majorly sucks balls. Even if I take a pain pill, I can just imagine all my organs sliding around, and the connective tissue stretching out to their limits, and - nope! Can't do it. Gotta sleep on my back.

-Atticus. My cat is SUCH a doofus. How many times do I have to push him away before he gets that he CANNOT climb on my tummy? Yesterday he stepped directly on my belly button. Which currently sports a lovely yellow halo of a bruise. Hot stuff!!

-Driving. Seriously! It's not so much the freeway ride, it's going through sharp turns, or anything else that requires the use of my abs. Okay, yeah, it would probably help if I slowed down a little. I do like to go fast!

I know, I'm a major crybaby. But this is my blog and I can whine if I want to!

On a less self-centered note, my friend J had her lap today at 1:00 and I'm hoping all went well! She's had other surgeries before so she'll probably be less of a baby than me about it :)

Hey, it's almost time to go home, and that means it's almost officially FRIDAY! Woot.

Back to work

Yesterday was my first day back at work, and what a day it was. I got in at 10 a.m. and was promptly told by several people that I looked terrible. I thanked them for their kindness and plopped down at my desk for about 3.5 hours before my ex-boss sent me home (my new boss is on vacation). That was actually a godsend because I FELT terrible. On hubs's orders I laid down as soon as I got home and stayed away from the computer all night. I even took a nap, and I am not a good napper. When hubs got home he insisted I stay put until bed time, at which point I popped 2 benadryl to make sure I slept like the dead, and I did!

Today I'm tired, a little sore and a lot swollen, but feeling MUCH better than I was yesterday (I even had to take a percocet last night which I hadn't done since Sunday). I came in at 10 again today, but maybe this time I'll make it to the end of the day!

There's not really much to talk about right now... I am SUPER behind on Christmas shopping, but I think that's par for the course. I'll probably try to head out to Tar.get tonight so I can get something for the gift exchange we're doing at work on Friday, and the book exchange some friends and I are doing tomorrow night. Then I can finish all the other shopping this weekend. Ugh... whose idea was it to schedule my lap a few weeks before Christmas again? Oh right... mine. A friend of mine is getting hers done tomorrow, I feel really sorry for her.

Oh question - I got my lap done on CD 15 and bled a little lighter than a period for about 6 days. Do you think I'll still bleed heavily when AF arrives next week? Just curious how wretched I'm going to feel on Christmas :P At least maybe my cramps might not be as bad as usual, huh?

Back to work I go. Happy Hump Day!

Soul-searching on a Monday

A thought occurred to me today. I thought, "What if my lap and removal of the endo actually does the trick and I get pregnant?" As soon as the notion entered my mind I tried to stifle it with my usual pessimism, but not before a wave of nervous/excited butterflies went over me. It was the first time in a long time that I had a moment, albeit only half a second, of pure hope. It felt good.

Sitting at home the past several days hasn't been easy. Although I've been off meds for almost three years now, the battle against depression rages on, and spending long stretches of time indoors doesn't help matters one bit. Today I watched Ju.lie & Jul.ia and teared up about 4 times, and not just at the parts that illustrated Julia Child's infertility. But it got me thinking; I've been spending the past two years of my life with tunnel vision - focused on the singular goal of getting pregnant. What's going to happen when I finally reach my goal? Being a mom will be amazing, but I know that motherhood alone won't make me feel satisfied in my existence. And please don't think I mean to belittle anyone for whom motherhood is/will be the culmination of all their hopes and dreams. Believe me, it's a major part of who I want to be. It's just that, like my own mother, being a mom isn't the only thing I want out of life, and it never has been.

But what will satisfy me? Certainly not working at the bank and living my small life in our tiny house in the town I've lived in for 29 years. All I know about Julia Child I learned from watching the movie today, but it seems to me she lived an exciting life full of passion and love. I want that too. But I don't even know what I'm passionate about. Isn't it funny how most fertiles probably don't think about these things to the extent that we IFers do? They think, "I want to have children." And then they do. And then they worry about what else they want to do with their lives, if anything. But they don't have to put these thoughts on hold until they find out if their next test or treatment works. For them, the wait to decide in what direction they want their lives to go isn't indefinite.

I suppose I'm just feeling down in the dumps after spending an entire day by myself, bored out of my head. But what a perfect time for the thoughts that have been hovering just below the surface of my consciousness for some time to make their appearance. I'm almost 30 and I don't know what I want to do with my life. How the hell am I going to figure it out?

On the slow train

Well today is looking like it's going to be my last day on the couch. Possibly. Maybe. Here's the skinny: My abdomen is still extremely swollen and uncomfortable. It's a bit better than it was the first few days - where the skin was stretched SO tightly over my gut that I couldn't lie down flat on my back - but it's still really uncomfortable. My goal was to be able to get completely dressed today, but there's no way I'll be able to get my jeans buttoned over this belly! Also, I'm flippin' exhausted. I got up slowly at 10:30, took a shower and got dressed, and by the time I was done I had to sit down immediately. My hair is still wet and it's 11:30. I'm still a bit sore too, but I haven't taken any pain pills today. The doctor gave me percocet for the pain and some insane amount of ibuprofen for the swelling; I think I'll take the ibuprofen today and see how I do without the percocet. Lord knows I won't be able to take it at work, I'd be so looped out and completely useless!

So I need to decide today whether I'm going to work tomorrow because they won't let me come back without a doctor's note, and I'll have to call the doc today to get it. I think I'll try to move around as much as possible today and see how I feel towards the end of the day. I feel like such a sissy! I really thought I'd be back to normal by now. Ugh.

Quickie

Lap is all done, hooray! We got home around 1:00 or 2:00 I think, I was pretty loopy so who knows! I remember waking up and being in pain, the nurse came in like 3 times to up my meds. But today I don't feel too bad. Just lying in bed watching movies and letting hubs wait on me :)

So the doctor told hubs and my mom that I had superficial endo, which he zapped out. Hmm... I hope that's what's causing my IF, but it doesn't seem likely, does it? I have my post-op in 2 weeks so I'll as the doc then.

Okay I'm heading back to bed. Today is movie day, I'm just finishing up Two Weeks Notice, not sure what's next yet, maybe something Christmassy.

Thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers everyone, you ladies are the best!

Our tree

Ta-daah! Here is our Christmas tree. We decided to put it up today since we've had it since Sunday, and I didn't want to wait until after the lap. Plus now I'll have something pretty to look at while I'm stuck on the couch! Sadly our new curtains make a horrible backdrop, especially since I have yet to re-hang the rod and they're too high off the floor. But what can you do? I promise they look better in person.

I've had all the ornaments since before hubs and I moved in together, and we are slowly accumulating more personal ornaments. But even after all these years I still really like my red, white and sparkly decorations. We don't have a topper yet, but we're planning on buying one this year.

Okay I need to head off to bed! I'll post in a day or two with a lap update. I hope they give me (or hubs) some info right afterwards. Good night!

Things 'n stuff

Don't you hate it when you really want to post something but you don't have much to say? Me too. Prepare for a hodgepodge!

My lap is in 2 days. 48 hours from now it will be over with and I'll be at home resting. Yes, I am nervous. Not that something bad will happen or anything, mostly about the pain and recovery. And okay, also to get the results. I have a bad feeling it's going to be "normal" just like everything else, but all I can do is wait.

Question - I am switching insurance at the first of the year to a plan that covers 50% IF diagnosis (still zip for treatment though). What does that mean as far as doctors are concerned? It's still an HMO, so I wonder if I can see an RE or if I just have to keep bugging my GYN for more tests. I suppose it depends on the doctor, huh? Guess I'll be doing more research soon!

It's almost time to go home, but today was a decent day. My two new underlings went shopping for department Christmas decorations. We are now the proud owners of the cutest little 4 foot fake tree you ever saw, a lighted wreath and garland, and various other chotchkies which are now displayed on all of our work stations. It's a varitable winter wonderland over here! Last year I made a holiday e-mailer to send out to the branches and a few customers with our faces photoshopped onto cartoon elf bodies, and I'm planning on doing something similar this year too. I'll post it here so you can all see my lovely ladies when it's done. :)

See, I AM trying to get into the holiday spirit! Haha ;)

It must be my lucky day

So far, today is going pretty great! (I feel like I'm jinxing myself just by saying that, how sad am I?) Here's why:

1. Did disaster recovery testing this morning for work and for the first time in 3 years we actually passed!!! AND it only took about an hour. This was my first year doing it myself, and I was the first one done. Oh yeah, and I got a chocolate Kr.ispy Kr.eme donut to boot. I haven't had one of those in years!

2. Came home and talked on the phone with my mom for an hour or so, and while we were chatting the mailman delivered my blinds and curtains!!! I put up the curtains but am going to have to lower the rod (when we moved in I didn't measure too well, so it's about 3 inches too high). They need to be de-wrinkled too, but I love them! They really are "black-out" curtains, but at the same time they're fairly lightweight. I can't wait until hubs gets home from work and we can hang the blinds. (He told me I have to wait for him, sigh.) So hopefully we can get a Christmas tree this week before I go in for the lap!

3. I also got my blood test results in the mail today. I tested negative for Celiac disease, which I already knew because I called the doctor's office yesterday, but it's nice to see it on paper. Yay!

4. I'm getting my hair cut at 1:30, can't wait!

5. My friend Tracy sent me a link to a gorgeous bridesmaid dress, and it's a really good price, too. I hope she decides that's the one she wants because I really, really like it! (See it here.)

6. A friend contacted me on FB letting me know she knew someone in my town who struggled with IF, learned the Creighton Model and was treated in the Omaha clinic, and eventually got pregnant, and that she'd be happy to hook me up with her for some info. That's cool because I am having a hell of a time finding an instructor in my area. I was actually thinking of getting certified myself (it takes a year) and making some extra cash on the side! Who knows, maybe I still will. :)

Okay, here's hoping my luck doesn't run out! Have a great weekend everyone!

Exploring my options

It's Friday, hooray! I have to come back to work tomorrow morning for testing. Boo! At least I don't have to be here until 9:00 though, hooray!

Today is pre-op day and I get to leave work at 2:30. I can't forget to have the doctor give me a note to give to work! HR made me do a leave of absence in case I'm gone longer than 3 days, since the doctor's office said recovery may be up to a week. I know, fascinating, right? Why am I telling you all this boring stuf? I don't know.

What I really want to talk about is the Creighton Model. Have you heard of it? It's basically a standardized and very detailed way to chart your CM & bleeding to try to achieve or avoid pregnancy, but it can also help determine problems getting pregnant. A few months ago I heard about this clinic in Omaha where they diagnose and treat causes of infertility (rather than utilizing ART - they use meds and surgery, but not IUI, IVF, etc.). The doctor there is a leader in the field and if you use the Creighton Model you can send him your charts to analyze. Then he suggests tests based on your charts, which many women get done at the Omaha clinic, but there are other doctors around the country that are familiar with the methodology as well.

So why am I interested in this? I read this peer-review study about the clinic and its practices and the thing that struck me the most was that during the study, 47% of women came to the clinic with a prior diagnosis of unexplained IF. After being evaluated there, only 0.5% were still unexplained. That's huge! So I emailed a semi-local woman who teaches the Creighton Model (apparently you have to be instructed how to do it) and I heard back from her today. She gave me some info and said she won't be doing any introductory sessions until at least January because she is busy with work (she's a nurse), which actually might be fine since December is such a crazy month anyway. I don't know how much she charges; from what I've read the instructors just charge whatever they want, anywhere from $20 for each session to $500 for the whole "course," so we'll see about that. Until then I think I might ask Dr. Google for more info!

I'm trying not to get myself overwhelmed, that happens pretty easily and I was all anxious about it yesterday. I still have to take things one step at a time, and right now I'm on the "get the lap" step. I just hope it gives me some answers! But, I guess it's good to know there are still other options to explore if it doesn't. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste any more time if I can help it.

As previously mentioned, it's FRIDAY!! I hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Humbug

I'm trying my best to get into the holiday spirit, but I gotta tell you, it's not easy. We're obviously TAB this month what with the lap next week, so I'm 99.9% sure AF will be visiting on Christmas day. On top of that, Christmas is just a stressful time in general. My in-laws have sooo many things going on Christmas Eve and day that I don't get any time to just enjoy myself. I am not looking forward to it one bit. And every time I bring it up to hubs, no matter how hard I try not to get upset about it, we get into a fight. I just wish we could skip right past December and move on to January.

There's one thing I am REALLY excited about though - our living room! We ordered new curtains and blinds yesterday. BLINDS!!! I am so excited I might pee my pants. We've had these accordian-fold temporary paper "blinds" in our windows for the past 6 months, and in just 3 to 6 business days my new wood blinds will be here! The curtains are awesome too. I've had these thin, cheap curtains up in our big window since we moved in. They're not quite wide enough to cover the whole window, and at one point Atticus tore a big hole in one, so that's fancy. But the new curtains are heavy and wide and are supposed to be energy-saving too, which is great because that window is 60 years old and really drafty. The best part is, we got all this stuff on sale for over 50% off! And now my living room is going to look like a REAL, grown-up living room! I can't wait!

I will try to focus on that instead of the stress of the holidays. Seeing everyone's Christmas tree and decoration photos actually helps too, so thank you! I'm getting kind of excited about going out and getting a tree, putting up the lights, etc. AND! This year I'll have new fancy curtains to frame my tree!!! Ahh... It's going to be heavenly.

Weekend and workin'

This weekend seemed simultaneously long and short. Friday was such a mellow day at work that I hardly count it as a week day. I spent it in the wire room with my employee, E, and once we got all our work done we turned on The Goonies. She had never seen it before, can you believe that? Hubs said I should have made her do the Truffle Shuffle, haha. Hmm... I don't even remember what hubs and I did on Friday night! But Saturday and Sunday we were busy. We started seriously working on the window frames that have needed to be spackled and painted ever since we bought the house. I managed to completely finish our front window, which is 6' x 6' with a wooden grid. It took me almost 2 hours just to tape it off, then over an hour for each layer of primer and paint, but it looks great now! And now I get to order new curtains to replace the chintzy ones I've had up for a year and a half. The rest of the windows will get finished this week. We're finally ordering blinds for the other set of living room windows, and I'm making curtains for the kitchen and office. I can't wait! Hopefully that will make our house feel a little more "finished." Although, who am I kidding? We still have a LOT more work to do before it can even begin to be considered "finished!"

Saturday night we went to hubs' grandma's for Thanksgiving Dinner Part II. It was nice, we played with our little nieces and cousins, had some yummy Mexican food, and chatted with BIL and SIL. Afterwards we had a birthday party to go to - for my friend who was MOH in my wedding. We've let our friendship slack a lot over the past few years and hanging out with her reminded me how much I miss her. The party was great, it was a James Bond theme and she had each room in her apartment set up beautifully. The living room was for mingling of course, and the kitchen was the martini bar. She and her roommate moved their beds out of the bedrooms and set one room up with some armchairs and a loveseat with a movie projected on one wall (James Bond, of course). The other bedroom was the casino, with two card tables and chairs. Everything sparkled with candle light and looked so amazing. It was really fun! I got to talk with my friend a little, and am hopeful that we can rejuvenate our friendship once again.

So now, it's back to work we go, huh? I have been kind of wary of this week for a couple of reasons. Starting tomorrow, I have another two employees reporting to me. They work in a different department that works pretty closely with mine. I don't think it's going to be too difficult or anything, but it's a big change and that's a little scary! Also, one of the ladies who will be reporting to me is my cube neighbor who just returned from her maternity leave today. I'm thankful they didn't put me in charge while she was still pregnant; I have to admit I'm a little afraid of how the dynamic between us will be now. When we were both TTC (she tried for about 6 months) we talked all the time. I actually gave her tips on how to properly time BDing and then she promptly got her BFP. When she got pregnant it got awkward (for me) and we weren't quite as chatty anymore. Now I'm going to be her "boss." Although, honestly, I am not much of a manager! I take more the, "I'm here to support you" role than the, "I'm here to tell you what to do" role. So hopefully it won't be too weird.

That's my life right now. I'm also counting down the days until my LAP next Thursday. I can't believe it's actually going to happen. It's funny, most people say, "I hope they don't find anything!" But I'm hoping they DO find something - and that they can fix it. The unknown really sucks, and I think I'll be really bummed if it turns out "normal." I am so tired of hearing that. Obviously I'm NOT normal, just tell me what's wrong already! Of course, I also don't want to hear, "You have severe endo and it's unlikely you'll ever get pg." Ugh. I guess I will find out one way or another next week right? Oh - those of you who had the LAP, did your doctor tell you right away what the findings were or did you have to wait a few days for an official report?

Okay, hopefully these three lovely ladies will stop sharing their birth stories soon and I can get some work done. I hope you're all having a great Monday! It will go by quick!!

Goose eggs and turkeys

Well, I didn't even need to test. Last night spot showed up, and AF found me this morning. My neck is killing me and I'm just not really looking forward to this day (it's only 10:45 here at the moment). Hubs ran to the store just now to pick up a bottle of champagne for some mimosas to go along with the waffles I'm making for breakfast. Or brunch now I suppose.

If anyone else is having a downer of a day so far, just know you're not alone! I'm right there with ya, and there are a ton of wonderful women who have your back.

I'm going to try to make the most of today. The weather is beautiful here, hubs and I are going to see a lot of people we love, and hell, we have each other!

Today I'm thankful for YOU (yes, you reading this right now), and I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Cornucopia

Okay, NOW I'm really starting to feel like AF is making her way over to me. I have all kinds of gas today, and cramps too (although, it's sometimes hard for me to differentiate between gas and cramps, but I get gas whenever I'm PMSed anyway). For my own good, hubs usually doesn't allow me to buy HPTs but he said I could if I needed to today. I haven't decided if I'd rather see a BFN today or wait for AF to ruin Thanksgiving tomorrow.

So, getting my mind off of that...

We have a bunch lined up for good ol' Turkey Day, and I was thinking about it yesterday - we're really going to be "celebrating diversity!" I don't usually give much thought to other people's religions, but it occurred to me yesterday that Thanksgiving is going to be quite the mash-up. It's interesting how religions will affect the dynamic (in subtle ways) of our day. Here's the plan:

Dinner isn't until 5, so we're thinking of taking some friends up on their offer to join them for drinks and a bbq in the afternoon. They're Jehova's Witnesses and don't technically celebrate Thanksgiving, but they get together every year to hang out while all the other friends are with their respective families. This will be the first time we'll be able to join them, so it should be a fun way to get the festivities started!

Next we're having dinner at my sister's house. She and her family are Jewish, and every year she and BIL take their tykes up to the mountains to play in the snow for two weeks around Christmas time (where do I sign up for that?? I want to go snowboarding so bad!). So Thanksgiving is the only time during the holidays that all of my siblings get together at once. My sister LOVES hosting TG dinner, and there will probably be between 20 and 25 people there. I hate to admit it, but it's not quite as fun as hubs' family's holiday get-togethers. It's a little quieter, and we aren't as familiar with all of BIL's extended family, his grown daughters and their significant others. BUT, since my in-laws have a TON of gatherings in December, I insist that my family gets priority on TG.

After dinner, we'll head over to hubs' parents' house for dessert with his family. They're Irish Catholic. My family is Catholic too, but hubs' family is the epitome of Irish Catholic - and they just like to have a good time. So holidays with them involve EVERYONE - including aunts, uncles and cousins (like 40+ people), and plenty of booze. It really is fun. (But MIL is a lot more fun after dinner is served and she's had enough wine to de-stress, so showing up after dinner works really well for us!)

So that'll be my day tomorrow. Hopefully AF doesn't decide to crash the party, but I'm thinking it's pretty much inevitable, so I'll just have to make the best of it. Unfortunately I have to work on Friday, so "making the best of it" can't include too much wine.

...But it can include just enough wine!

I'm bored

And boring. Therefore, this post will most likely be boring too. Sorry about that.

It's CD27. Although I don't have my usual pre-AF cramps and moodiness (yet), I do feel pretty pre-menstrual. I have that heavy uterus feeling, like AF is comin' 'round the mountain. Boo. I must admit that I was secretly (okay, more like overtly) hoping that this C would be THE C, and that I wouldn't have to get my LAP done in 2 weeks. I still have a glimmer of hope, but I'm not holding my breath by any means. And surprisingly, I'm not that down about it. Probably because it's Thanksgiving and I have other things on my mind. Of course, ask me how I'm feeling once AF makes her appearance and I'll be singing a whole different tune.

My neck is still bugging me, although it's a lot better than it has been. I think I'll be making another trip to the chiro soon. He did say he would be there all this week except Thursday, so that's nice. And I FINALLY made an appointment to get my blood drawn for my dang Celiac test! I only got the orders for it like 2 weeks ago... but well, it has been a little crazy at work with everything that's happened, so don't get on my case, okay?? :)

Oh good gravy, it's after 2:00 and I haven't gone to lunch yet. See, I told you it's been crazy around work! I hope everyone is having a lovely Tuesday!

The weekend & The adoption discussion

The goal was to have a nice relaxing weekend and we succeeded. I got a call from my mom on Saturday morning just to say hi. I normally talk to her every week or two for at least an hour, but I admit that for the past several months I've been slacking on some of my personal relationships. So lately she's been calling me. Which is nice actually, I usually don't get a whole lot of calls. Anyway, she and my dad asked us to come by for a bit that afternoon, which we did. We just hung out and chatted for a couple of hours. It was quite nice. Afterwards hubs and I went downtown for a beer for a friend's birthday. Sunday we did some house cleaning, watched some football and generally didn't do much. Good times :)

Friday night the hubs and I had a fun night in, just the two of us. We left the TV off and just chatted and had dinner (and maybe a couple sake bombs too). The conversation turned, as it so often does, to TTC, and I brought up the subject of adoption for the nth time. Hubs has never given me a straight answer when it comes to adoption. Me - I'm all for it. Down the road if we aren't able to conceive after whatever ART we decide to pursue, I would like to adopt. Hubs, on the other hand, would be perfectly content if it was just he and I for the rest of our lives, so it's understandable that he wouldn't think too much about adoption. So I explained to him how it is for me (and, I imagine, for many women). I said I've gone my entire life wanting and expecting to have kids one day. On top of that I'm pretty sure women are hormonally programmed with the desire to reproduce. So the thought that I might never have a child is pretty terrifying.

I must have explained it better this time, either that or the sake had sufficiently softened hubs to the topic, because he was very receptive. He said that if him being open to adoption makes it easier for me to deal with TTC and IF, then he would be open to it. And it's such a relief to me to know that one way or another, we WILL have a child some day. It might be 5 or 6 years from now, but it will happen.

So, now I am patiently awaiting the arrival of my dear old Aunt Flow. Today is CD26 and 10DPO and pretty much I just feel like I'm about to start bleeding at any moment. I kind of hope she shows up on Wednesday so I can get over the disappointment by the time Thanksgiving dinner rolls around. Even if I test negative before she shows up I'll still have that glimmer of hope, KWIM? Ugh, the torture...

Monday's over! Hope everyone's work week goes by quickly and painlessly :)

Little Miss Moody

I was really feeling sorry for myself most of the day today. I went to bed grumpy and woke up grumpier.

This IF crap is the shits. (Pardon the redundancy.) Maybe I 'should' hold out hope for this C, I am only 7dpo after all, but seeing as my bbs are noticeably less sore than they were a few days ago, I haven't been crampy the past two days, and I have no other 'signs' at all, I'm pretty sure we're looking at yet another bust.

Honestly, hubs and I have been TTC naturally for two years. I don't know why I keep hoping that some miracle is going to happen for us. Maybe one day when we have money to spare we'll be able to afford some treatments and an RE. It just really sucks going through this blindly and not being able to get the help we need.

Anyway, after being down in the dumps (wow, I'm really stuck on this whole fecal matter theme) until 2:00 today, I went to lunch intending to pick up a salad from McD's. Halfway there, though, I thought, "SCREW IT. I'm getting a Big Mac." So I did. I feel better now. I am a big believer in the power of comfort food.

Now I can look forward to a most uneventful weekend. We have no plans at all and after last weekend, I'm very happy about that. I also fully intend on slacking off for the next 20 minutes and leaving work 10 minutes early. Yep. That's how I roll.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Pain in the neck

Thanks for everyone's comments yesterday (and today)! It's funny, I always think that So Cal is different, weather-wise (we all know it's "different" in many other ways), from the rest of the country. I imagine it's rainy or snowy everywhere else this time of year, but it seems like the weather is actually pretty similar. Except in Australia of course! 104 degrees, Mrs. Bee! I feel for you!

I finally got a good night's sleep last night for the first time this week, and I woke up with a kink in my neck. Ouch! By the time I finished drying my hair it hurt all over, and by the time I got to work it hurt just to move my head. Sigh. I am so sick of my neck acting up!

I was able to make an appt with the chiro for after work today, thank goodness. Having one adjustment really does help quite a bit, but I think I may have to go in for a few visits this time, because I seem to keep jacking my neck up a lot lately.

I know my problem is exacerbated by stress and lack of exercise. I am just too lazy to get my butt in gear, and too poor to get a gym membership with a trainer to keep me in line! How do you get motivated? Unfortunately hubs and I feed off each other's laziness, so I'm on my own I guess.

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Okay, about this whole "positive thinking" thing - I'm over it!! I have been obsessing over every bodily change this C and I'm driving myself crazy. My bbs are still sore, but maybe not as sore as before. Other than that, I've had a little cramping, but nothing really of note. Ugh... I'm sure it all means nothing, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's starting to depress me. I just know it's going to end badly. AF is due on Thanksgiving and although I normally don't, I'm thinking of testing on Wednesday just to get the BFN out of the way.

At least it's Thursday, although I gotta tell you, I feel like this week should have ended twice already!

How's the weather?

Let's talk about the weather. Why not? :)

The thing I like about late fall and winter is that it finally cools off. Living in southern California, we don't get much variation between the seasons. The coldest I think I've ever seen it around here is in the 30's, and I'm talking overnight lows. There was one morning last winter when the dew on everything froze and that was a serious anomoly! I had no idea how to get the ice off of my windshield, and when I got to work I almost fell in the parking lot slipping across the ice. Weird!

The past few days it's been incredibly dry here. My poor hands are so sore! And today seems even drier than it has been. I've shocked myself multiple times on my car, and it hurt every time! I can't wait for the dry, clear sky to be replaced by clouds and rain, but that probably won't happen for several more weeks. Here's hopin'... Dry weather is never good here, this is fire season.

I am honestly curious: How's the weather where you live?

All the thoughts in my head

I am so out of the loop. To be honest, I do most of my blogging at work because I pretty much make my own schedule. But since C has been out on bereavement I've been covering her desk, which is ruled by the clock. So for those inquiring minds, here's what I've been up to this past week:

- First things first: The BD fest is over. I believe I Oed on CD16 and today is CD20, so now I'm just waiting. I got myself all excited over my super sore bbs the other day (if you hadn't noticed) and since then it's gone downhill. My current status is: not holding my breath/trying not to think about it.

- Friday was the viewing for C's husband, and Saturday was the funeral. Both were very sad, but nice ceremonies. It's strange that his passing has affected me so much, I suppose, considering I didn't know him very well. I still get teary thinking about it. I think for the most part I am just so sad for C's loss. But it has put things into perspective for me, too - I obsess over TTC and constantly worry that I'll never get pregnant. I guess I just feel like I should try to live in the moment a little more, and be grateful for what I do have, ya know? That's probably pretty common after an unexpected death, especially of someone so young.

- The weekend was really busy, but Saturday was an absolutely insane day. Here's how it went: Got up at 5:15 to go to work dressed in funeral attire, and did testing from 7:00 - 8:00 a.m. Went straight from work to the funeral where I met up with hubs. Went to breakfast afterwards, then to Lo.we's to attempt to buy a new front door (no dice - and I'm still SO SAD about that!). Headed home and hung out with hubs and a friend until it was time for girl's night at Katherine's, where we drank wine and played Wii. Also where Katherine whacked me in the back of the head (hard!) with her Wii controller (by accident of course). Left Katherine's and headed to another friend's house to meet up with the hubs again. We didn't get home until after midnight, and of course had to squeeze in one more BD session too! What can I say? We are determined.

- Sunday was much more mellow. We slept in then made breakfast out of whatever was left in the fridge. We had 2 eggs, a few pieces of bacon, some cheese and hamburger buns, so we decided to make breakfast sandwiches. To make the eggs fit on the bun we fried them inside a cookie cutter - which was the shape of a teddy bear. So we coined our breakfast creation the "Von Ruxpin" (y'know, like this guy). I took pictures but then the battery died on my camera and I haven't been able to upload them. Anyway, it was delicious and really cute. After that we did some wine and food tasting at a local wine shop with some friends.

- This week I am in training mode. I've got 3 more branches to train on this system, all 6 to go live starting next week, and one more disaster recovery test to get through in two weeks, and then (hopefully) I'll have a nice calm December at work. I seriously can't wait for November to be over already!! I'm almost looking forward to my LAP just so I can have a few days to rest. Oh yeah, and did I mention I found out I'm getting 2 more direct reports starting December 1st? I'm happy about that though, :) it's job security! And I like the girls who will be reporting to me.

- Tonight we're making the final insurance decision, I think I'll be switching to the plan offered by my work that pays 50% of IF diagnosis. Plus, I think it's cheaper than what we're paying now to cover me under hubs' plan through his work, so that will be nice.

Okay now I'm just babbling. If you made it all the way through this meandering post, then pat yourself on the back and give yourself a cookie. It's been a long day and I'm exhausted. I think I might just mess around online for a while until it's time to go home. Have a great evening!

Gonna be a long two weeks

I have to post this so I can keep track. :)

So, Wednesday I got my first + OPK, then another on Thursday. I am assuming I Oed on what, Friday then? We have been BDing every day since Tuesday. I'm pretty proud of us for being such troopers!

With everything that's happened this week, I haven't thought too much about TTC - until today that is. For one, my bbs have been killing me since last night. They hurt SO much. About as much as they normally do right before AF shows up. Yesterday I had a friend over and I could smell her house and pets on her. It was really strong to me for about an hour, almost to the point of being offensive, but hubs said he didn't smell anything. I am reading WAY too much into this, I know. Nothing to do but wait.

I'm trying to stay positive without getting my hopes up too high, but it's hard. I keep telling myself, "It could happen, but if it doesn't, maybe the Lap next month will help."

I know I've been a bad blogger lately. I have lots to write about, I just need to find the time. I've been trying to keep up with everyone, but honestly I have a lot to catch up on! I will try to do that later tonight. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!

Finally

I finally saw a VERY positive OPK last night. Thank goodness. I was starting to think my internet cheapies were actually worth as much as I paid. We DTD last night, but had skipped the night before, I hope that doesn't hurt our chances. We'll be back in the saddle tonight too if I have anything to say about it (and we know I do).

ETA: Oh! Got another strong positive tonight :) Go eggies, go!

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Things are, understandably, pretty sad around work right now. My two employees are best friends, so the one that is here (E) is feeling bad that she can't be with her friend (C) right now. She's been taking care of her and most of the arrangements the past couple of days. I went to see C on Tuesday after work and I don't think she even realized I was there. I have never in my life witnessed such grief. My heart is absolutely broken for her and her family. She has a lot of people around her doing their best to comfort her and her children though, and that is an amazing gift.

As if to punctuate the mournful feeling here, the weather is turning very gloomy. It was bright and sunny when I went to lunch just a couple hours ago, and now it looks like it's about to rain. I hope it decides to hold off.

In happier news, it's almost officially Friday :) I hope everyone has fun plans for the weekend.

Prayers

I was out of town this morning on business when I received a call to head back to corporate. One of my employees lost her husband in a car accident last night. They have three children and just bought their first home this year. Yesterday was his birthday, he turned 31.

If you don't mind, please remember their family in your prayers.

I will post more soon. Lots of love to you all.

More plans for this C

I don't wanna do any work today. Sadly, I have to! But I can take a break :)

So you already know I'm a pessimist. But I'm going to put this out there - I am SUCH a pessimist that I'm actually afraid to think positively. In my warped mind, I think if I dare to hope then I'm automatically destined to fail. That the hope/optimism causes the failure. And I'm really afraid of how I'll feel if I spend 3 weeks building up hope for a C only to have AF show up. Let's face it, I'm depressed and have been for 5 years now. It's a chemical imbalance, it's hereditary, and I doubt it will ever go away entirely. In my mind, it's safer for me to maintain a steady level of pessimism than to get my hopes up and risk a major meltdown. I can't really explain why that is. I know I would never harm myself or anyone else, but I guess maybe I'm afraid of going back into that deep, dark depression, and not being able to get out on my own.

Obviously there's a problem with that way of thinking. I just can't go on being unhappy all the time. It sucks for me, it sucks for hubs, and it probably sucks for everyone else that loves me too. So my goal for this C is to try to think positively (emphasis on try). I'm not going to go out and buy baby clothes or anything, I just want to start thinking, "this could happen" instead of "this won't happen." If AF shows up I'm going to be depressed regardless. Isn't it better to try not to be depressed all month until then, than to constantly be pessimistic and down? It simply has to be better for my mental state than what I've been doing...right?

Since I refuse to go back on antidepressants unless it's absolutely necessary (the sexual side effects were awful for me, and really not conducive to TTC), my doc says I have to exercise to give my happy chemicals a boost. I've never been very active, so this is a real challenge for me, but I'm going to start tonight. This dang time change prevents me from doing anything outdoors after work, so I'll be doing yoga and other exercises that are indoor-friendly during the week. Then on the weekends I'll try to get hubs to go on bike rides with me or something. Hopefully this will help me keep a more optimistic outlook. If I succeed (or should I say when? haha), even if AF shows up I hope to feel a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I don't always have to be sad and hopeless. Fingers crossed.

In other news, my annual went well yesterday. My doc is ordering the blood test for Celiac disease, so hopefully I'll be able to rule that out soon. No big plans this weekend - just working around the house, and taking poor Catticus to the vet. He has another ear infection :( I'm looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend before the 2 weeks of craziness starts up at work on Monday. Hope everyone is having a fab Friday :)

Snug as a bug

Okay people, enough with the Snu.ggies already!

The Snu.ggie is possibly the most hideous invention ever. And it's not even a truly original idea - it's a glorified housecoat for goodness sake! It's a bathrobe on backwards! But everyone is crazy about the $30 (okay, 19.99 + 7.95 s&h) blanket with sleeves.

And now my beloved Wee.zer is in on the action!! For shame!

Okay, okay, I admit it does look cozy and handy, and I would probably use it if I had one in the house. However, that will never happen unless someone gives us one, because I refuse to spend good money on something so heinously ugly!

Triple threat

Last night I went to hubs's softball game. He plays every season (read: year-round) with his friends in a men's league and I used to go to his games all the time, but lately I've been over it. Usually some of the other wives are there, but you never know which ones will show up, and I'm just not always in the mood for making small talk.

Anyway, I had in fact decided NOT to go to the game when I got a phone call from one of the wives, S. She's one of my favorites and attends about as often as I do. She called to let me know that she was going and I wouldn't be alone if I decided to go too. So I changed my mind. I made myself a thermos of hot chocolate, bundled up in my coat and scarf, grabbed my giant blanket and headed out with the hubs.

The two of us and one other wife (along with her two small children) showed up within 5 minutes of each other. We chatted and got settled and I opened my thermos to take a sip of my hot chocolate - and immediately spilled it down my lower lip - burning it and my chin in the process - and down the front of my long white coat which I JUST got back from the cleaners. (It's not a fancy coat, just nice and cozy and I've missed it!) To make matters worse, this happened the exact moment S announced that she's pregnant.

So I spent the whole game with a painfully burned lip, stains on my favorite coat, and trying not to appear as completely bummed out as I felt. S's pregnancy was an "oops" - not that I for one second begrudge her and her husband of their blessing, they've been through some hard times for the past few years. They definitely deserve every happiness, and I am happy and excited for them. It's just that initial shock, you know? Well, I know you know. I still feel horrible that I couldn't bring myself to act as happy as I should have, but I can't change that now.

It was a rough night after we got back home. The floodgates opened and then hubs and I started sort of arguing, which then actually turned into a very productive conversation and ended in a good BD/FD session. :) So, all's well that ends well. Except for my poor coat of course.

Always be prepared

Today is the first day of the rest of this month. That's right, it's CD7 and therefore the beginning of the BD extravaganza. This is the last chance we'll have to TTC before the end of the year and we've gotta go all out! Let's see if I have all my provisions:

1. OPKs - check
2. Massage oil candle - check
3. Horny husband - check check
4. Positive attitude - ...working on it

I have my annual tomorrow - wee! That's always a fun time. I went to get my blood drawn today and discovered that when your form says, "Call your doctor to find out if you must fast," it actually means you should call your doctor to find out if you need to fast. Oopsies! Oh well, guess I'll just have to do it another day.

Other than that, nothing to report. Just trying to make it through the last 45 minutes of the workday. Hump day is almost over! (Oh! But not quite, bow-chicka-bow-wow!)

I need a brain-cation

My brain is all over the place lately. I'm up, I'm down, I'm thinking about work, family, friends, the holidays, my doctor's appointments, my lap... And over all of it is the dark IF cloud. I go back and forth between feeling hopeful that I may get pg some day, that maybe the lap will help, and then thinking, "who am I kidding?" - it's never going to happen, the lap is going to be a waste of time, and I'll be stuck in "unexplained" limbo land until we have the money to pay for ART. There isn't much time every day that I'm not thinking about IF in some way or other. It's consuming me and it's not getting better with time.

I'm pretty good at "faking it" when I'm not immediately faced with it - like at grown-up parties where there are no kids around and girls' night out after the moms have gone home to their families. But when the topic of babies and children comes up, the cloud settles right back over me. And of course it's worse when the kids are actually there.

If only my desire to procreate was like a light switch. I could just shut it off whenever it became too much for me. That would really be a load off. When people talk about their children I could just think about messy diapers, spit-up and drool, and not feel like I'm missing out on something huge. Or like I'm this inferior model of "human woman" - I look just like everyone else, but no matter how hard I try to make them, my parts just don't quite work the way they should.

I know the only thing I can do is try to keep my mind off it, stay busy. When I have something fun to look forward to it's a lot easier not to dwell on my bum reproductive system. But right now all I have to look forward to is a busy month at work, followed by the dreaded Holiday Season. (Clarification - IF is not the main reason I'm dreading the holidays, but that's for another post.) I know life isn't always full of fun, exciting things. I'm just feeling stuck, and I guess what I really want is something fulfilling in my life.

...And back to work I go.

Honest Award

Thank you, Tanya, for nominating me for this prestigious award :) I really like it! It reminds me of the "Rosie the Riveter" posters. We're a bunch of tough broads who can handle anything!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award. List their blog and link to it.
2. Share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.
3. Present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
4. Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

On to #2 - 10 Honest Things about yours truly.

1. I think I'm hilarious. I have a weird sense of humor that hubs doesn't always get, but I crack myself up all the time.
2. I try to stay out of political discussions but more and more things are starting to rile me up enough to start talking. I don't argue over anything I'm not educated about.
3. I not only love watching Metalocalypse, but I want to get some of their music too.
4. I HATE the thought of cleaning and doing yard work, but once I get into it I don't mind it.
5. I discovered that I'm a good cook - that was a surprise!
6. I'm a big believer in, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."
7. I'm learning how to listen to my intuition.
8. I'm an introvert, but I'm getting to be more outgoing. It's a conscious effort.
9. I talk to hubs about you ladies like I see you all the time.
10. I have a bad habit of comparing myself to everyone else.

Now I would like to nominate...

Dot
Steph
Sherry
^J^
Allison
Kristin
M

Concerned-er

And... now I'm bleeding again? Not beavily, but it's a good thing I put a liner in!!

Oy. I hope my GP can help me figure this thing out.

Concerned

Today is CD5 and the witch is already dead. My normal periods last a solid 7 days. This one started Thursday fairly heavily, then gradually tapered off until Saturday night when it apparently stopped altogether. Only 3 days. I had some pinkish CM yesterday and this morning and that's it - not even enough to be considered spotting.

Given the wacky periods this month and back in July, and the weird OPKs this C (hubs says he saw a + on the one I forgot to check, but I don't know for sure) I'm worried that I'm not ovulating regularly. Not to beat a dead horse or anything, it's just freaking me out! I have my annual with my GP on Thursday, so I guess I'll add this to my list of stuff to talk to her about. Ugh. I just don't need anything else to worry about.

Ow

I'm using the Diva Cup today, and all I can say is, UGH. First off, I had a helluva time getting it in straight. Okay, it's actually STILL not in straight but if there's a way to fix that I can't figure it out. So I decided to just leave it and see what happens.

What has happened so far is I'm in mild pain. I can't actually feel the cup, but I feel pressure that's almost like cramps and a lower back ache. It's a little unnerving and I'm seriously considering chucking this thing and exploring my other options. Two reasons I haven't done that yet: 1. I like the idea of using something that doesn't absorb, since that stuff tends to dry me out and irritate my skin, and 2. I spent over $30 on this thing! Plus $10 for special soap to clean it with. But every time I use it I get so frustrated I end up in tears, and it just adds to the devastation of another C down the drain. So... I'm not so sure it's worth the hassle.

I'm starting to wonder/worry that I might occasionally have anov C's. AF has been pretty light and mild this month. I haven't had much in the way of cramps and I didn't really have PMS either. I'm going to have to start using OPKs religiously, I want to find out what the heck is going on.

Lap

...is SCHEDULED.

December 10th. I know it's kind of far away but I'm going to be SUPER busy with work all of November. I'm going to miss TTC the month of December too because of that date, but oh well. I would have had to miss November if I'd scheduled it then anyway. At least I'll be able to have alcohol at Christmas. Lord knows I'll need it!

It's funny, I called up a friend the other day that I hadn't talked to in a few weeks, and turns out she's going in for a lap soon too (probably sooner than me). She's single and not TTC, but she has cysts that are causing problems. I told her we should get it done on the same day, then she can come to my house to recover and hubs will take care of both of us. :)

So when I told hubs that AF showed up (literally 10 minutes after I got to work, woopee) and that I scheduled the lap, he was so cute. He said he wants to give it our best shot this C so that hopefully I won't even have to get the lap. Well, that's pretty much setting ourselves up for failure, but I'm happy he's so gung-ho. He also asked what he should take to give him super swimmers. I told him he already has super swimmers, I'm the broken one! But seriously, we're going to try really hard to eat healthy and as organic as possible this month. I've been slacking on my vitamins too so I started taking them again. Any tips for fertile foods for either of us? I've heard pineapple for me, vitamin C for him... I don't know what else. Dr. Google, what do you think...?

CD1

And that's all I have to say about that.

WTFT?

That would be, "What the FRENCH, Toast?" for the laymen.

I feel horrible, not to mention very embarrassed, for whining last night about AF because it now appears she STILL hasn't arrived. Thank you everyone for your sympathy, and I'm sorry I'm a big fat gun-jumping baby! Feel free to ignore me when I whine again later today, tomorrow, or whenever it is that she actually decides to show up. At that point I'll just go back and read your very nice comments again to console myself.

So here's what happened:

Yesterday I got home, went to the RR and when I wiped saw a bunch of darker-than-usual CM. That's what I took to mean AF was imminent, because I figured it must be dark due to spotting. A logical assumption, and given the cramps I've had for the past three days, normally I would be right on the money. Later, my CM looked distinctly yellowish and AF-free, but it's not strange for me to spot for a bit, then nothing, then BAM - AF.

So I used the Diva Cup. It only took me half an hour to get it in, during which time I managed to poke and scratch myself several times with my fingernails. I took it out once (to make sure I could) and it was streaked with a little bright red blood. At that point I had no idea if the blood was from scratching myself so many times or from AF. I had hubs check me out, but he couldn't see anything. So I assumed the latter, stuck the thing back in and went to bed.

This morning I clipped my nails (KEY for anyone thinking of trying the DC, and my nails aren't even that long! They really should put that in the instructions.) and then removed the cup. A big ol' blob of normal-colored CM and not a trace of blood. *Slaps hand to forehead.* WTH???

So now my hopes are all up to high heaven, which of course is a VERY BAD THING. It's CD30 and I have no idea when I Oed, best guess is CD16. I still have cramps coming and going and feel like AF is right around the corner. That witch better just hurry the FT up!

Boo hoo

It appears that AF is imminent. Guess the Diva Cup will be getting another chance very soon.

Sigh...

Infertility friggin' sucks.

Diva drama and PMS

Sigh. So I tried to use the Diva Cup last night, anticipating that AF might show up overnight. OMG is that thing a pain in the ass. I felt like such an idiot trying to figure out how to get a proper "seal" because it says to put it in, and then turn it. Well, I don't know how that's even possible. Once it's in there's not much to hold on to, and what you can feel is allllll slippery - hence impossible to turn! And of course the directions tell you about 100 times, "If ___, then it's inserted wrong," so I'm feeling like a TOTAL MORON for apparently doing everything WRONG. Luckily AF didn't show up last night because I'm all out of pads and that sucker is still sitting in my bathroom.

Ugh. Can you tell I'm PMSed?? I actually cried about 3 times last night I was so frustrated, so hormonal and so depressed. I googled to see if anyone else had as much trouble as I did, and thankfully, I found a LOT. Seems like it takes some practice and finagling. I feel like slightly less of a dolt now and I'll try again tonight if AF has shown up by then. Jeez, how would I even survive without the internet? I'd be hysterical.

Monday, Monday

Still waiting on AF. We FDed last night and it gave me cramps (that ever happen to you?), so I'm assuming she'll be on her merry way any time now. I am determined not to be a sissy and to try my Diva cup this month, I still have to go buy some cleanser for it though. See what a procrastinator I am? :)

The Halloween party was great, and my 'zombie pinup' costume came out pretty well! I tore up an old dress and some fishnet stockings, learned an easy way to do my zombie makeup, and curled my hair then messed it all up. I was a hot piece of undead, let me tell ya. Hubs was impossible, I kept telling him all week to think of what he wanted to dress up as and he never did come up with anything. So after I was done with my costume I put his together too. He was also a zombie - I just tore up one of his work shirts, wiped fake blood all over him, and did his makeup. I think we looked pretty good. I forgot to steal a photo from our friend's FB, so I'll have to add it later.

ETA: I forgot about this little tidbit - at the party, the same woman was there who last year hounded hubs and me about why we didn't have children yet. We'd tried being polite but she was drunk and VERY persistent, so we finally told her we didn't want kids and that we just wanted to party. LOL She got pissed but it shut her up. Well, she started in on us again on Saturday night saying, "You guys are so cute, why don't you have a baby?" So I told her, "We're not ready for sex yet. We're saving ourselves for our 5th anniversary." This time she actually laughed and dropped it! I think I better start thinking up some comebacks for next year...

Other than the party we had a very mellow weekend. We had a TTC/money discussion at one point and basically came to the conclusion that we probably won't be doing any treatments for about two years. We're working on paying off debt and by then we should be debt-free if we keep up with it the way we have been. (Yeah, we have a lot of debt.) At that point I'll be 31, which isn't too bad. Until then, hopefully we can choose an insurance plan that covers IF diagnosis so at least we won't just be spinning our wheels. It's frustrating to have to wait that long, but on the other hand, at least it's a plan.

Is it time to go home now? I am ready to go back to bed!! Hope your Monday doesn't suck :)

Wasn't counting on the melancholia

Three more days until AF is due.

I'm not really hopeful about this C. I'm not being pessimistic or negative about it, I just don't expect it to be the one. Like, at all. Of course, I pretty much never expect any given cycle to be the one. I don't know why that doesn't stop me from scrutinizing every twinge, ache, and swollen body part though.

Okay, maybe I am being a little pessimistic...

Confession: For the past few months during the 2WW I catch myself staring at my reflection in the mirror right before I get in the shower, looking for some kind of sign. Then I get disgusted with myself and think, "That's ridiculous. Kitty doesn't get pregnant." (Don't ask why I refer to myself in the third person when I think that.) I'm a pessimist by nature. I learned at a young age that if I don't get my hopes up too high I can't be too let down. And on the flip side, I can be pleasantly surprised if things do happen to go my way. For some reason, though, it's much harder when it comes to TTC to convince myself that each cycle is another flop. Maybe that's a good thing; it might suck worse to be a total pessimist than to have a little hope from time to time.

At this point, I'm just awaiting the lap. I feel like I've put all my eggs into the endo basket, and if it turns out I don't have it I'll probably be disappointed to continue floundering around in the "unexplained" category. I just want to find out what's wrong, and get it fixed. Why is that so difficult? Oh yeah, because I'm pretty much trying to figure it out all on my own. My doctors are nice when I see them, but since I can't afford to see an RE I don't have anyone leading me through my options. Hubs and I still have some time to figure out what to do insurance-wise though, so maybe that will change. We definitely can't afford the plan that covers IUI, but there are one or two that cover diagnosis, which is better than nothing, as long as the price is right.

Well, this was a pretty depressing post for a Friday, sorry about that! I didn't intend it to be so dismal; I didn't even realize this was weighing on me until I started typing.

So quick change of subject: Plans for the weekend! I've got to make my Halloween costume - some kind of zombie pinup/short-dress-wearing slut (not too slutty though). We're going to a party tomorrow night and we decided to go cheap and make our costumes this year. No idea yet what hubs is going to be, so if you have any suggestions, by all means share! Here's to a great weekend, everyone :)

Falling apart

Not emotionally, just physically.

My neck's still a little sore so I'm going back to the chiro tonight. I'm so, so happy I started seeing him. I was tweaking my neck pretty badly every few months for a couple years, worse and worse each time. It finally occurred to me that the problem may have stemmed from a fall I took snowboarding a few years ago. I ended up cartwheeling down the hill and jacking my neck up pretty badly. I always thought that chiropractors messed you up even more by somehow perpetuating the problem, since everyone I know that saw one kept having to go back all the time. So I never went until the pain became unbearable. I now realize that my neck will probably always give me trouble, but at least now I can go to the chiro and feel better within a few days, rather than spend weeks in pain.

Another thing - I think I'm suddenly lactose intolerant! I'd been taking acidophilus pills for months because of all those infections I was getting, and since the infections went away I stopped taking it about a month ago. Now I'm starting to notice stomach problems whenever I have cereal or ice cream. Lame!! Hubs is the lactose intolerant one, not me! Ugh. I'm thinking this problem didn't just now pop up, it's probably been building for several months, but the acidophilus was helping digest all the dairy. Hubs has been taking it for his lactose intolerance for a couple months now and it's worked wonders. Guess I'll be going back on it!

I read that a deficiency of lactase (the enzyme the small intestine produces to break down lactose) can be caused by celiac disease. Double lame! I think when I see my GP in a couple weeks I'll ask her to send me for a blood test since celiac disease runs in the family and can cause infertility. I just hope it turns out to be negative because I REALLY don't want to give a certain mean person the satisfaction of being right about that. Plus, cutting gluten out of my diet would seriously suck!

I know, I know - I need to stop googling these things. I'm probably just like the rest of the adult population and simply can't handle milk anymore.

Sorry this is such a dull and disjointed post, there's not much going on right now. I'm in the countdown to AF, still waiting on insurance to approve the lap (I'll probably call the doctor next week and see where it's at), and plugging away at work. It's a thrill a minute! But at least the weekend is just around the corner. :)

My First ICLW

Hello, ICLWers!

This is my first time participating, and all of a sudden I have stage fright! What the heck am I supposed to say? I guess an introduction is in order, and since I am now at a loss for words, I'm going to steal some other bloggers' idea and introduce myself through the awesome power of a survey.

Me: Kitty, Kit, Mrs. Von D, and a slew of other alter-egos.

DH: Hubs, a.k.a. Aaron

How we met: We went to the same schools from kindergarten through high school, and our younger brothers were friends... but we never spoke to each other until I was 22 and he was 23. Turns out you really can find true love in a bar!

Furry child: Atticus Archimedes Aloysius the cat

Where we call home: Sunny southern CA

Time TTC: On the record - 19 months. (Off the record - 2.5 years - since we got married.)

Reason for IF: Unexplained. Possibly endo, we'll know by the end of the year. I can't decide if I'm hoping they find endo or not...

Hobbies: Blogging, sometimes knitting, sometimes snowboarding, sometimes taking photos and sometimes Photoshopping. I'm trying to find one that will stick. I need an outlet!

Biggest pet peeve: People who drive too slow in the left lane. Or bad customer service. Or general rudeness. ...People who have too many pet peeves?

Favorite book: Pride and Prejudice. I LOVE that book. I try to read it every year.

Currently dreading: Leading a conference call in half an hour.

When I'm sad: I cry, make myself a drink, and veg out.

The best thing about life right now: I'm not on that conference call YET! (Of course, life will be better when the call is over.)

Favorite dessert: Chocolate lava souffle a la mode. How obvious is it that I'm PMSing?

All-time favorite band: Queen. Hands down.

Dram vacation destination: Greece. My family is Greek and I've always wanted to go.

Fears: Spiders, the dark, public speaking, the mall on Black Friday.

My favorite of DH's physical traits: His hair. It's so thick!!

His favorite of mine: My booty. I've got some junk in my trunk.

I hope this helps you get to know me a little, thanks for popping in; I'll see you on the interweb!

So tired...need...a nap...

It was an absolutely CRAZY day today. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that TWO sets of auditors + one wire system on the fritz does not = a fun day for the Kitster.

I should take some work home with me... But who am I kidding? I fully intend to crash out on the couch as soon as I walk in the door.

*YAWN*

Good night!

Step 1: Complete

Alrighty. Done with the doctor, and he actually was very nice (remember the receptionist told me he was "exceptional"). He didn't rush me, and he figured out pretty easily that I really want the lap for infertility but told me he'd code it for pain no problem. He said he doesn't necessarily think my pain is due to endo (mostly because it hasn't been getting progressively worse), but that it's worth looking into anyway, and that he hopes it works for me. :)

The receptionist said it may take a couple weeks to get approval from the insurance company, and when they get it we can schedule the surgery. I think I there should be enough time to get it done by the end of the year, don't you? There better be!

I'm not gonna beat around the bush here, I'm totally nervous. The idea of cutting into the body, sticking stuff inside, zapping away at tissue, etc. totally grosses me out. I can't even watch the lame fake surgery scenes they show on House, so thinking about that happening to me makes me VERY uncomfortable. There's a great reason I never went into the medical field! But I've just gotta to suck it up and go for it. No being a sissy!!

Not a whole lotta

Gosh this weekend went by fast!! And is it just me, or is anyone else having a hard time believing October is more than halfway over already?

My weekend was pretty good. My neck was killing me on Saturday, even after going to the chiropractor Friday evening, and I was pretty miserable for half the day. So we mostly sat around and did minimal amounts of housework. Hubs played XBox and I played on the computer. Yep, so productive! By about 5:00 I started feeling better and a friend of mine came over for dinner and some catching up. It had been too long! Then yesterday we had brunch and watched football with some more friends. We closed out the weekend by watching an episode of PBS's "National Parks" series. Let me tell you, that's the perfect show to watch before bed. The images are gorgeous and it's very educational, but well, it's pretty dull. I almost wish there were commercials just to break it up a little.

So we're back to Monday again! Although today is a short day for me because, as you know, I'm heading to the gyno this afternoon. Wish me luck!

Hope everyone is having a nice, mellow Monday :)

Not so good

Well, no dice. They gave him the crappy lower position. We don't know yet how much the pay is going to be, but he did say the position caps out at close to what he is making. So hopefully they won't cut his pay too much.

He also said that they gave him a letter saying he'll continue to do his current job until April, so I'm guessing that means he'll also continue earning the same pay until then.

Whew. It could be worse. At least he has a decent amount of time to try to find a new job.

Thanks for the well-wishes everyone.

Butterflies

I'm a tad nervous. Hubs works for a big bank that was taken over by another big bank last year. The actual changeover is finally about to take place after the first of the year. The positions in the "new" bank don't align very well with those in the "old" one, so hubs's job title is going to change. He'll either be placed in a position that's kind of like half a step above his current position (most likely with the same pay), or a BIG step down (with a huge pay cut), and he finds out today which it'll be. He's pretty confident he'll end up in the higher ranking position, but I'm preparing myself for the worst. I can't help it, I figure if I don't expect too much I won't be too let down. And I can get ready for trying to figure out how the heck we'll pay our bills if we're bringing home a lot less money. He goes in to find out at 11:00 so I guess I'll know soon enough.

My appt with the gyn is Monday afternoon. I can't believe how fast those few weeks went by, seems like I just made the appointment a few days ago! I'm excited that we're at least TRYING to take a step closer to that BFP, but I'm nervous too. I have all these "what ifs" floating around in my head. What if the doctor won't order the lap? What if the insurance company denies me? What if they don't find endo? What if they do? What if the surgery doesn't 'work'? Sigh. I know, I just have to take it one step at a time. Step one: Go to the gyn. I think I'd drive myself a lot less crazy if I could just make my brain shut up once in a while! :)

In happier news, the game last night was really fun!! Too bad the Dodgers lost :( But at least they kept it interesting. We had really good seats right behind home plate so I got to ogle my boyfriend Russell Martin's booty the whole time! (Just kidding, hubs! ...Kind of.) And I gotta say, playoff games are FUN! Everyone in our section would high-five each other whenever the Dodgers got a hit, we were all chatting together, there was so much more comeraderie than at a regular game. I loved it!

We don't really have big plans for this weekend. Hubs has been working every Saturday for the past several weeks but he's off tomorrow, so I'm super happy about that. We'll probably just be working on the house, hanging out with some friends, and watching football on Sunday. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous after all the rain this week, I think I'll have to plan on being outside for a while!

Hope everyone is having a great Friday :)